Emotional Intelligence

5 Comments Posted on People, Spirituality, Storytelling, Uncategorized

PLEASE OFFEND ME! My Identity Protective Cognition Makes It Impossible (A Lesson on Emotional Intelligence)

I am inviting the entire world to attempt to offend me or hurt my feelings. You can attack my appearance, my personal beliefs (like religion, politics, or my crazy vegan lifestyle), or you can even question my motives for doing this in the first place.

You can accuse me of being conceited, as some might say it would take an arrogant person to claim no other person has the power of his emotions to offend him.

But I would actually submit the opposite…

I propose that pride is the root of being offended. I have learned that most people, by default, think this about themselves:

“I’m a good person.”

Therefore, a “good person” deserves (that’s a dangerous word!) to be treated better; to be treated with more respect.

So when another person comes along and implies that “good person” is not as good as they think they are in their own mind, it is an attack against their identity.

Let’s talk about Identity Protective Cognition for a moment.

It’s the concept that when a person has an idea or belief that is so well-rooted in their identity, any information that someone hurls against them will only reinforce that person’s preexisting beliefs.

So whereas the default for most people is, “I’m a good person, therefore, my identity as a good person can constantly be under attack; from anyone to strangers on the highway to my spouse…”, my identity is different:

“I’m not a good person. I’m a flawed person who is aware I’ll ultimately never please everybody on a daily basis. But I’m confident in my identity in knowing that I will always disappoint someone no matter how hard I try.”

Imagine if that were your identity.

Not to mention, I have Identity Protective Cognition on the belief that I fundamentally can not be offended and that no one can hurt my feelings.

Therefore, anyone who even tries to offend me will only reinforce what I already believe:

No one controls my own emotions but me.

But please, try. I beg you.

It will only prove my theory to everyone else reading this today.

I believe Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: ”

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

1 Comment Posted on book review, fatherhood, parenting, People, Uncategorized

New Children’s Book: “Words” by Elle Grey (An Introduction to Emotional Intelligence, Of Sorts)

This week my son and I got to read a new children’s book about how it’s always our choice to use words that either help or hurt other people. It’s called “Words” by Elle Grey. The book explains that ultimately, when we use words to hurt others, we then attract negativity back to ourselves.

I truly believe this to be true. It’s part of the process of developing emotional intelligence. I have even mentioned before here on Family Friendly Daddy Blog how much better of a person I became (just a few years ago) when I stopped allowing other people to emotionally control me.

In other words, I took away anyone else’s right to “offend” or “insult” me. I did this by taking control of my own emotions instead of letting anyone else control them for me. But before ever getting to that point in life, a person must first learn to choose how to choose their own words and begin to understand how they positively or negatively effect others.

So yes, this book fundamentally teaches a concept I live by.

Congrats to Matt Wright, who was the first reader to comment, and therefore win a copy of Words!

About Author Elle Grey

Daughter of a US Air Force family stationed overseas, Julie was born in Ely, England about an hour outside of London. Her family moved to the United States when she was 6 years old. Following a successful career in financial services, where she co-authored the book “Live Rich, Stay Wealthy” which sold twenty-five thousand copies in the first 90-days, Elle decided to devote her time to her young daughter. The Elle Grey Stories were created to teach her daughter values, principles and morals, all the things that are important for our children to help guide, shape and protect them as they grow.

Julie is a wife and a mother of two adult sons and a 3-year old daughter. In addition to spending as much time as possible with her family, she enjoys going to the gym, writing, doing pilates, running, painting, ceramics, crocheting, knitting, cooking and reading.

1 Comment Posted on Spirituality, Storytelling, Uncategorized, Writing

I Will Die as the Most Open-Minded, Teachable Old Man You Know

Nearly 20 years ago, in May 1997, The Wallflowers released the final single from their most famous album, Bringing Down the Horse. That song, “The Difference”, has always intrigued and confused me.

The chorus is simply this:

“The only difference that I see is you are exactly the same as you used to be.”

How can the difference be that nothing has changed?

After two decades of attempting to unpack this riddle, I now believe it to mean this:

The narrator is saying that the other person was known for always evolving as a person. But now after seeing them again, the narrator has observed that person has finally reached a point of being… settled.

And that surprised the narrator. So the only difference he saw after all these years in between was that, finally, the other person remained the same since the last time he saw him.

Perhaps, there is some assumed irony in a possible role reversal: Now, the narrator has evolved as time had passed, yet the other person had not.

I feel this way about the high school version of myself. I went to school with the same 183 people for 13 years, yet I’ve been out of school for nearly 18 years.

The people I grew up with have a memory of what I was like back in the 1990s, yet there is a good chance the 2017 version of me is much different; for better or worse.

While it is very important to reach a point of stability in life, I feel it’s just as important to find ways to positively evolve despite that comfort zone.

The day I stop evolving as a human being is the day I stop being relevant. So always expect me to be in some kind of new transition that I am sorting out. Always expect a constant character arc with me. If you don’t see me going through some kind of new phase of change and growth and maturity, that’s when you should be worried about me.

It’s fundamentally important to me to be relevant, because I interpret being relevant as being alive. I feel connected to the world when I can share my current personal evolution with anyone in my society who will listen.

I suppose I will always need, and find, an audience. It’s not that I crave attention- it’s that I crave intellectual exchange and the personal growth that comes from it.

A trait of emotional intelligence is that a person embraces change instead of fears it- and is always learning, instead of thinking they already know everything.

Granted, I am not the epitome of the adage, “Don’t be so open-minded that your brains fall out.” Obviously I do not personally adopt any new ideas that are inconsistent with my moral code. Yet at the same time, I have no desire to judge other people when their personal beliefs don’t match mine. (That’s another sign of emotional intelligence.)

There’s a stereotype about men in particular, that as we get old, we get set in our ways; close-minded to new ideas. But I want the entire world to know now, that will never be me.

No, it’s not my destiny. No, I won’t ultimately became the very person I fear.

Here’s what sets me apart from me for that stubborn old man:

I find my identity in exploring new ideas. I find strength in seeing life in ways I hadn’t before. This is what has always worked for me.

So for me to become set in my ways, it’s heresy against my values.

If there’s going to be any irony with this concept, it’s that I am close-minded to being close-minded.

I will die as the most open-minded, teachable old man you know.

 

2 Comments Posted on fatherhood, Nostalgia, parenting, People, Storytelling, Uncategorized

35 Year-Old Husband and Father Learns to Skateboard, Embraces Metallica

I know it sounds like a concept for an article for a satirical website like The Babylon Bee or The Onion, but no, this is my real life story.

Yes, there’s something instantly ironic about a conservative 35 year-old husband and father of 2 who lives in a cul-de-sac who decides to teach himself to skateboard and finally fully embraces his hidden fascination with the legendary metal band Metallica.

One might even suppose I could be going through some sort of mid-life crisis, though I’m not sure if I’m quite old enough to qualify for that yet.

Maybe it’s my way of subconsciously proving to myself that I am not content with being a predictable suburban dad.

I wouldn’t deny that theory. I am aware that it’s fundamentally important to me to remain young in spirit, even as I mature as an adult. So that theory totally makes sense.

What officially started it all was back in November for my son’s 6 year-old birthday, when my wife and I decided to buy him a skateboard, on account of several of the other kids in our neighborhood having them. But how could I teach him to skate if I didn’t know how to myself?

So my wife ordered a skateboard online for me as well. After watching just 2 or 3 YouTube videos, and dedicating many of lunch breaks at work to practicing over the past several months, I have been effectively skateboarding.

It has served as a liberating yet legitimate work-out. It has not only exercised my body, but also my mind, as I have constantly had to balance in order to keep from awkwardly falling off.

Fate would have it that back in January, just 2 months after his birthday, my son had to be rushed to Vanderbilt’s Children’s Hospital after a random case of strep throat turned into a parapharyngeal abscess on his neck. As I stayed overnight with him a couple of nights, I spent some time watching videos on YouTube on my phone after he fell asleep.

It was then that I stumbled upon some Metallica music videos, and for the first time, I really connected with their music.

I realized that their complicated sound, vulnerably honest lyrics, and dark themes which are focused on human nature as well as injustice in the world, are in accordance with the emotional maturity I have gained over the past few years as I’ve evolved from Luke Skywalker into Han Solo.

In particular, I most relate to songs like “Sad But True” which explores the selfish side of human nature that we tend to forget or deny is there:

“I’m your hate when you want love… I’m your life, I’m the one who took who there…

I’m your truth, telling lies

I’m your reason, alibis

I’m inside, open your eyes

I’m you

Sad but true”

And from Metallica’s latest album is a song called “Am I Savage?” in which the video portrays a man around my age (who happens to look a bit like me) as he journeys through his average day with his loving wife and two lovely children; as well as time in the office.

The dichotomy of his actual presentation to the world is contrasted to the inner impulses he successfully manages on a daily basis, as the idea is expressed, “beauty and the beast are colliding.”

I also appreciate the Libertarian concepts found in songs like “Nothing Else Matters”.

So what may appear as a random phase in my life is actually a crucial chapter to the character arc of Nick Shell, the 35 year-old daddy blogger.

For now, my son is taking a slower pace on the skateboard, as he is starting out by just sitting on it and he scoots down the sidewalk. Plus, he enjoys chasing me around with a Nerf gun while I skate past him.

He and I are both growing up; despite the 29 and a half year difference and despite being in much different stages in life.

There’s a paradox in there somewhere… how we need to remain forever young inside yet we also have to embrace the responsibilities of adulthood in an imperfect world.

I’m right there in the midst of sorting that out.

As for my son, he’s perfectly happy with Power Rangers and Pokemon. Lucky place to be.

Leave a comment Posted on Health, People, Storytelling, Uncategorized

Nick Shell’s Self-Help Therapy Guide to 2017 New Year’s Resolutions: 7 Traits of Choosing to Be Victorious Versus Allowing the Default of Being a Victim

For most of my life, I’ve looked back on the previous year thinking, “Man, I was immature back then. I’ve learned a lot in the past year. If only I could go back and live it again knowing what I know now…”

With that being said, I feel that now at age 35, I have created a plan to keep from feeling that way. During the past year, I have formulated and applied my own self-help therapy guide consisting of 7 comparisons of someone who chooses to be victorious, as opposed to allowed the default of the victim mentality.

I believe these have everything to do with whether a person finds success living by their New Year’s Resolutions.

By consciously living by these principles on minute-by-minute basis, I feel like I am really in control of my life. I am simply more independent in my thinking; serving as my own therapist.

These 7 principles are the epitome of the concept: Focus on what you can control, not on what you cannot.

Victors versus Victims

1.       Victor: compliments others vs. Victim: criticizes others

2.       Victor: embraces change vs. Victim: fears change

3.       Victor: forgives other vs. Victim: holds grudges

4.       Victor: always learning vs. Victim: thinks they know everything

5.       Victor: accepts responsibility for their failures vs. Victim: blames others for their failures

6.       Victor: has a sense of gratitude vs. Victim: has a sense of entitlement

7.       Victor: sets goals and develops plans vs. Victim: never sets goals

After applying my “choose your mindset” theory for the past year, I felt a sense of graduation of my program when I was able to successfully upload a video on my YouTube channel entitled (can’t offend me).

In other words, I made a public social experiment out of myself by proving that if I simply made the decision that for the rest of my life, I would no longer grant anyone the authority to offend me (or “hurt my feelings”)… for any reason, by any person.

Through personal application of these concept, I fully realized that if I choose it, only I truly have the authority to grant others to offend me. But without my permission being granted, other people have no power of my emotions.

I alone control my emotions; my emotions do not control me.

What it all comes down to is something called emotional intelligence.

It only makes sense that a person who is constantly offended is allowing themselves to be the victim by default. Therefore, it only makes sense that a person who never seems to be offended is therefore making a conscious decision to be victorious.

I am so grateful for the benefits of living my life this way. I have never before felt so in control over my own life, despite the things I truly have no control over.

Feel free to ask me any questions about my “7 Traits” if you are interested in trying it out for yourself.

Nick Shell’s Self-Help Therapy Guide to 2017 New Year’s Resolutions: 7 Traits of Choosing to Be Victorious Versus Allowing the Default of Being a Victim