Emotional Intelligence

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Exactly 10 Years Ago Today, I Met the Girl I Would Marry

I Married the Right One

Exactly 10 years ago today, on October 5, 2006, I met the girl who I would start dating 4 months later, and marry within 2 years. In a crowded building called The Factory in Franklin, Tennessee, I saw who I thought was a beautiful Puerto Rican or maybe even half-Korean girl.

I was wrong in both my assumptions on her ethnicity, but as I introduced myself to her in a line of hundreds waiting to get into the main room where an episode of CMT’s Crossroads was soon to be filmed, I knew right away that this fellow “extra” for the audience of that episode was A) out of my league and B) someone very intriguing and special.

Now flash-forward to this past August. It was close to midnight in the parking lot of the movie theatre in Spring Hill, Tennessee after having just seen the premiere of Suicide Squad. My friend Jarred and I were laughing as we reminisced about the “10 years-ago” versions of ourselves; back when we lived in a house together along with other bachelors.  During that time frame is when we happened to meet and begin dating our future wives.

He then said something that has stuck with me: “We married the right girls.”

It’s weird to think that the more naïve, less mature version of you is responsible for making one of the most serious (and permanent) decisions of your entire life; a decision that will not only affect other people’s lives but also create new life.

I feel like only now do I know enough about life to begin to make a decision like that. But it doesn’t work that way. Instead, it’s the opposite:

The reason I am now the mature and experienced person I am now is because of the girl I married 8 years ago.

It turns out, the 25 year-old versions of ourselves knew enough of what they were doing when met nearly 10 years ago, fell in love, and got married.

By “doing life” together for nearly a decade now, we have by default taught ourselves and each other what emotional intelligence is all about; making daily conscious decisions to choose to be victorious, not allow ourselves to be victims.

I see emotional intelligence as the inside-out version of what love is. By choosing to love your spouse, you choose to victorious instead of allowing yourself to become a victim.

A decade ago she and I were 25 year-old kids trying to figure out life. Now were are 35 year-old adults with two beautiful children. For the most part, we’re settled down and along for the ride.

I don’t know which surprises and adventures are ahead, but I do know this: She’s the one I want to spend the rest of my future with.

Victors versus Victims

Victor: compliments others

Victim: criticizes others

Victor: embraces change

Victim: fears change

Victor: forgives others

Victim: holds grudges

Victor: always learning

Victim: thinks they know everything

Victor: accepts responsibility for their failures

Victim: blames others for their failures

Victor: has a sense of gratitude

Victim: has a sense of entitlement

Victor: sets goals and develops plans

Victim: never sets goals

Leave a comment Posted on Health, Spirituality, Storytelling, Uncategorized

My Theory Proved True on My “You Can’t Insult Me” Challenge, So I Launched an Anti-Bullying Video Series: Bully Backup

My Theory Proved True on My “You Can’t Insult Me” Challenge, So I Launched an Anti-Bullying Video Series: Bully Backup

Two weeks ago, I released a new video on my YouTube channel which invited the free world to attempt to offend or insult me. I had theorized that since I don’t give other people authority over my emotions, it would be scientifically impossible to hurt my feelings.

Not only did I predict correctly, as indeed no one successfully emotionally attacked me, but hardly anyone even tried.

I did have one Internet troll ridiculously attempt to plant doubts in my mind that my wife might leave me for a younger guy, while implying that I was probably seeing other women (or men) on the side anyway.

But clearly, the comment instantly translated into comedy for me. So yeah… officially not offended.

So that got me thinking. Why is it that no one can offend me? Is it simply because I’m wired this way?

The answer is no. I wasn’t always this way. I became this way over the course of my life, as I made myself more and more familiar with what emotional intelligence is all about:

Emotional intelligence (EI) or emotional quotient (EQ) is the capacity of individuals to recognize their own, and other people’s emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior.

Five years ago, or even two years ago, it was possible to attack my emotions. Not anymore; not after I simply recognized that I could be 100% in control of my emotions, instead of handing the keys over to people.

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After receiving the clever suggestion from a friend to consider doing a video series on anti-bullying, I figured I would give it a shot.

I feel that what sets apart the theme of my anti-bullying series is that I am attempting to help the viewer focus on psychologically preventing the issues. So far, I have created over 10 videos, currently viewable on my YouTube Channel:

It’s Impossible to Offend Me

Being Offended Vs. Constant Mindset of Forgiveness

The “You Can’t Insult Me” Challenge

Psychologically Outsmarting Bullies

Find Your Allies

People Care about You

Do You Respect Those Who Insult You?

Are You a Victim or Victor?

I Know How You Feel

The Proximity Effect

You Too Can Choose Not to Be Offended

In my anti-bullying series, I challenge my viewers in many ways, in hopes they can ultimately outsmart potential bullies through strategy. To summarize it…

Realize that perceived bullies can’t force you to be offended; you have to allow them first. You have to respect their opinion for it to matter to you.

Be ready to openly acknowledge others’ perceived flaws in you, so that when they “attack”, you’re able to beat them to the punchline, surprising them with your lack of emotional response.

Find and create a network of people from the friendliest people from as many different cliques as you can; who will be there to socialize with and support you wherever you are.

I hope my series helps people. If nothing else, I hope I can remind you today that you too can choose to not be offended.

It is my passion to help the world realize the importance of choosing to live like victors, not victims; which is ultimately what emotional intelligence is all about.

Victors versus Victims

Victor: compliments others

Victim: criticizes others

Victor: embraces change

Victim: fears change

Victor: forgives others

Victim: holds grudges

Victor: always learning

Victim: thinks they know everything

Victor: accepts responsibility for their failures

Victim: blames others for their failures

Victor: has a sense of gratitude

Victim: has a sense of entitlement

Victor: sets goals and develops plans

Victim: never sets goals

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The “You Can’t Insult Me Challenge” on My YouTube Channel (My Theory That It’s Impossible to Offend Me with Words because I Don’t Give People Power over My Emotions)

I am testing out a theory on emotional intelligence; and thanks to a video I just released on my YouTube channel this week, I have now made it possible for the free world to attempt to insult me, offend me, hurt my feelings, or negatively affect my emotions by being rude to me; via comments on the YouTube video.

My theory is that it’s officially impossible for the simple reason that I do not allow anyone to hurt my feelings. I do not give anyone permission or power over my emotions, since I am aware that it’s my decision to make, not theirs.

I quickly agree that “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is not true for everyone. After all, we live in an “outrage culture” in which people so easily get publicly offended; with a little help from social media.

However, I believe that I am on the complete opposite of the “easily offended” spectrum. Over the past 5 years of my life especially, I have taught myself the important life lesson that formally, I was allowing myself to be a victim, instead of proactively choosing to be a victor.

It’s not that I think I’m perfect. The complete opposite is true: I couldn’t be any more aware of my own shortcomings and faults. In fact, I daily invite the free world to give me constructive criticism so I can make my list of imperfections even longer; whether it’s in the virtual world or the real world.

If I can learn a way to be a better human being, I want to know. I love constructive criticism! I thrive on it.

The only way I can prove that it is impossible to insult me, offend me, hurt my feelings, or negatively affect my emotions by being “rude” to me is to make myself a human social experiment, in real time.

If I am insulted, I will admit that my theory was bogus and end the challenge.

However, I will be quite surprised anyone is able to insult me and it actually hurt my feelings. For anyone who does take me up on my offer, chances are, they will mainly be people online who I don’t even know. Just faceless, nameless Internet trolls and hecklers. As a blogger of eleven years, I’m used to that.

I think their “insults” would ultimately come across as obligatory, juvenile, and unoriginal; and that even if they did a good job, they would simply incriminate themselves as people who are insecure about themselves.

Granted, a person who would consider threatening me would not be participating in the challenge I am presenting. If it takes a threat to insult me, then my theory is proven true; as this is about me being immune to emotional attacks, not physical ones.

It’s fundamentally important to me in my everyday life that I do not allow myself to become easily provoked or quick to anger; from another driver pulling out in front of me only to drive under the speed limit, to a coworker who appears to deliberately try to embarrass me in front of others on a daily basis.

So I hereby invite the world to imply I am not good enough, not smart enough, not right enough, not funny enough, not interesting enough, not thin enough, not heavy enough, not strong enough, not intelligent enough, not good-looking enough, not well-balanced enough, or not normal enough.

I invite the universe to judge me and find me unworthy of their own standard. I predict I won’t be offended. I am fundamentally opposed to allowing other people to offend me. I am not a victim. I am a victor.

The “You Can’t Insult Me Challenge” on My YouTube Channel (My Theory That It’s Impossible to Offend Me with Words because I Don’t Give People Power over My Emotions)

Victors versus Victims

Victor: compliments others

Victim: criticizes others

Victor: embraces change

Victim: fears change

Victor: forgives others

Victim: holds grudges

Victor: always learning

Victim: thinks they know everything

Victor: accepts responsibility for their failures

Victim: blames others for their failures

Victor: has a sense of gratitude

Victim: has a sense of entitlement

Victor: sets goals and develops plans

Victim: never sets goals

Leave a comment Posted on fatherhood, Health, parenting, Storytelling, Uncategorized

Why I’m Fine (and Possibly Proud?) to Have Gray in My Beard

Having turned 35 years-old back in April, I needed to briefly confront an internal issue by asking myself a question: Will I eventually start dying my gray hairs as I get older?

I immediately thought of the 2001 Tom Cruise movie, Vanilla Sky, where his chWhy I’m Fine (and Possibly Proud?) to Have Gray in My Beardaracter is seen plucking a few gray hairs while standing in front of the bathroom mirror, on his 35th birthday. Similarly, I pluck a couple gray hairs each week and therefore easily maintain my dark brown hair.

But a month ago, when my daughter was born, I accidentally and by default ended up growing what I call a postpartum beard; out of lack of time or inspiration to shave in the midst of caring for an infant.

It became clear that I now contain more gray hairs in my beard than I am willing to count. Back in my late 20s, those same hairs had turned red, and then blonde… now they are undeniably gray.

The longer my postpartum beard has grown, the less I care about those gray hairs that stick straight out. So then I asked myself, “Why don’t I care?”

Here’s my answer:

Gray hair is seen as a trait that makes a man appear to be “distinguished”. I am now at a point in my life where I see distinguished as a positive trait.

That’s because I feel like I’ve earned it. The gray in my beard holds a story. It indicates that I have life experience and maturity that I never did have up until now.

At age 35, I am settled. I am comfortable and confident in my lifestyle.

I have been married for nearly 8 years. Together, my wife and I have gotten out of debt and built our savings. We’ve raised a 5 and a half year old-son and now have a 1 month-old daughter. As if I needed to explain that raising children makes you a different person…

At my office, I now have many people who look to me for answers and wisdom. And I instantly have the answers. Naturally, the newer 25 year-old office workers call me sir when they meet me; they recognize my confidence and life experience simply how I carry myself; which is what I will self-identify as calm-assertive.

I like this. I like being 35. It sure beats 20 or 25 or 30.

Back when I had no gray hairs, I didn’t have that confidence, nor or the emotional intelligence I now have. So I won’t complain about gray hairs.

With that being said, after I press “publish” on this blog post, I’m going directly downstairs to shave off this beard; not because I am internally inspired to do so, but because my wife wants me to.

But even without my gray hairs after this, my wisdom will still show in the fact I cared more about making my wife happy they continuing to grow a novelty beard.

This is 35.

4 Comments Posted on parenting, Storytelling, Uncategorized

The Amount You Mature After You Turn 30

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This week I turned 34 and a half. I’m now just 6 months away from turning 35, which will officially toss me out of that targeted demographic which has traditionally been the coveted marketing demographic: age 18-34.

I’m also only 6 months away from the birth of my 2nd child; who I think is a girl.

Turning a year older is not something I fear or hide. I celebrate getting older. That’s mainly because I’m so grateful for the amount of maturity, emotional intelligence, and life experience I gain each year I’m alive.

I definitely don’t wish I was 30 again, or 27, or 25, or 23… I’m perfectly happy and proud to be 34 and a half.

And research shows the same thing; that the age people report being the happiest is 34.

By now, I’m married, I have kid(s), I’m out of debt, I have money in the bank, I “own” a home, and I’m stable in my career.

Additionally, I have (hopefully) already made my dumbest mistakes and learned my hardest lessons in life.

If I simply apply what I’ve already learned from life so far, I should be alright. In theory, I should be on auto-pilot, from here on out, to some degree.

I feel that while I’ll constantly be learning something new every day, my “life’s biggest learning curve” is complete. In other words, now I know what to do, it’s just a matter of testing that knowledge and experience for the rest of my life to see what else I can make of it.

When I turned 30, I knew I was hitting a major milestone. But in hindsight, I now realize that the reason it was a major milestone for me is because I have learned some of life’s biggest and most crucial lessons since then, during these past 4 and a half years.

The Amount You Mature After You Turn 30

My son was born just a few months before I turned 30. Obviously, raising him has taught me a whole lot about life.

Plus, I made some wrong financial and career decisions around that time as well; which ultimately led my wife and I to become the strict Dave Ramsey followers we now are.

Not to mention, I was hired as Parents.com’s official daddy blogger right after I turned 30, which ultimately meant for 3 years, I had to do a blog post daily; being encouraged to be controversial by my editors.

Therefore, I can see in retrospect that I sporadically said plenty of immature and/or now embarrassing things in my blog posts during that time in attempts to “better engage my audience.” I learned a lot from that experience and I’m completely grateful for those 3 years.

On top of all that, I’ve learned the hard way what not to post on Facebook, since turning 30.

But now, I’ve lived through all that.

And I’ve been married for over 7 years now. It would be an understatement to say that marriage, in addition to raising a child, has made me a more mature, less selfish, better balanced human being.

The first day of the rest of my life began the day I turned 30. I can only imagine how much more enlightened I will feel and be by the time I turn 40.