My 8th song is a clear example of what Counterphobic 6 looks like. Keep in mind, I published this song on January 26, 2020; still a couple of years before I even started studying Enneagram to have a clue why I would be inspired to write a song like this, which was ultimately a reflection of what I was specifically going through at the time.
This was still at the start of my own Great Awakening, where I had begun to realize I had been giving too much control over my emotions to other people; that it is always my choice to be offended or insulted by what another person says.
“I Feel Like You Want Me to Care” is my official declaration about this realization; a concept which I have continued to build on in the past few years since writing this song.
I should also point out the Enneagram 6s often struggle with believing in themselves. By me overcoming this habit of letting other people offend me or insult me, it was a major step in my learning to depend on my inner self; even if it was by being “counterphobic”:
I feel like you want me to care – I would, but there ain’t nothin’ there – I’m not offended or disrespected – I don’t expect to be treated better – Not triggered, go figure – I’m not a victim but I might be a villain – You determine where I fall on the spectrum – I don’t have a dog in the fight – I’m an accidental catcher in the rye – Your information doesn’t affect my life – I don’t have any skin in the game – My emotions and time are my own domain – I refuse to give my peace of mind away
So looking back on this song I wrote over 2 years ago, can you see the Enneagram 6? Can you see my longing for security and confirmation of my own existence?
Feel free to leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts!
And now you can listen to the song, below, if you wish:
Having turned 40 this week, I came to the realization I have now learned certain life hacks that… no one ever tells you about!
So for anyone out there still reading blogs in the year 2021, I am going to share with you 5 important life lessons it took me 40 years to learn; most of which relate to the underrated commodity of emotional intelligence.
Don’t Just Be Yourself:
To “always just be yourself” is implying that there is not constant need and constant room for change in your own life and in your perceptions of reality. In order to mature, you must always remain open to, and even crave, constructive criticism.
Plus, the reality is that people don’t simply like you for who you are: Instead, they like you for what value you add to their lives; how you provide for their needs.
So to just be yourself insinuates that you not are empathetic enough to at least temporarily evolve into a version of yourself in order to relate- and therefore to be valued by that person.
Don’t just be yourself. That’s not enough. Instead, be a better and more flexible version of yourself.
Stop Believing That You Are a Good Person:
It’s interesting how many people instinctively see themselves as “good”; which in their minds grants them access to good things happening to them, and not deserving bad things. They compare themselves to people who have different moral struggles than they do; using cliches like, “I’m not perfect, but at least I’m not an ax murderer.”
I feel that culturally, we have bought into this false concept that karma exists. Living for 40 years has shown me plenty of examples where bad things happened to “good” people and good things happened to “bad” people.
Am I a good person? No. Am I a bad person? No. I am a person- and that means both good things and bad things are going to happen at some point. I accept this.
No One Cares About Your Opinion:
What you believe caries no actual weight on the rest of the world. It doesn’t. All that matters is what you actually do.
Yet still, watch how many people express their beliefs on social media as if they were actually changing someone’s mind. Instead, they are only reinforcing what others already believe through a process called Identity Protective Cognition.
Notice how “news” headlines are designed to trigger your tribalism; to get you to take a judgmental side and even get angry and emotional about the other side being “wrong.” This is simply their tactic to sell ads; whether the topic is politics, sports, or entertainment.
Getting older has taught me that I actually only have control over a limited number of things in this world. I have learned to focus on the few things I can control, not the infinite number of things I can’t- like other people’s deep-rooted beliefs.
You Have Complete Control Over Your Own Emotions, Time, Energy, Money, and Nutrition:
Whereas it seems the default that people think their opinions matter and that they control what other people believe, for some reason they ironically assume they are powerless victims when it comes to the things they alone control 100 percent.
No one can offend you unless you let them. No one can waste your time unless you let them. No can force you to spend your mental and physical energy on them unless you let them.
Likewise, you get to decide how you manage the small or large amount of income you have access to; as well as the density of nutrients in the calories you consume everyday.
For many people, “victim mentality” is the default instead of taking control and therefore changing their daily personal choices that currently lead them to a lesser quality of life.
People Always Find a Way to Do the Thing They Really Want to Do:
In the same way people often assume they have control over other people’s opinions and views, they often assume they can motivate other people to change their behavior too. Very seldom is this the case.
Everyone has their own personal motivations. Some people actually find comfort in their self-destructive routine. This is often due to some type of trauma they experienced earlier in life that they never received professional counsel for. It is their defining wound that they’ve made part of their identity. To change for the better would be to lose sight of who they are.
(Ever seen an episode of Hoarders, My Strange Addiction or My 600-Lb Life?)
At best, you can learn to nurture a relationship with a person to the point they begin to want to help you, and that help that you want might mean they change for the better. However, that often is more of a long term investment.
It is often a waste of emotion, time and energy to try to change a person who isn’t motivated to do so on their own.
That’s it! If you found any of my life lessons to be helpful, let me know.
After all, I am making an assumption that my opinions don’t matter, that I am only reinforcing what you already believe, and that to try to convince you otherwise is simply a waste of my emotions, time, and energy.
Those who prefer an upbeat, easy to follow story… and those who prefer a story that is more mature, mysterious, challenging, and darker.
I feel that I have always been very open about how overrated the first Frozen movie is. Over the years, I have expressed this multiple times in other blogposts.
My biggest beef with the first Frozen is that the true villain is not Hans, but instead, the parents; for psychologically damaging their daughters by ultimately locking them in their separate bedrooms without explaining why, while not allowing them to communicate with each other.
Seriously, that’s messed up!
So as you can imagine, I was not overly anxious to finally see Frozen 2 over Christmas break. It was just simply going to be a movie I sat through as my fatherly duty.
Fortunately instead, I was relieved, surprised, and impressed- to the point I knew even within the first 10 minutes that Disney had made the bold move to give Frozen a sequel that it (and an audience who is now 6 years older) deserves; as opposed to a copy-and-paste-of-the-original cash grab.
Granted, there are many people who do not agree with me on this. As I’ve been talking to people about Frozen 2 in comparison to the first, this what I have consistently found:
Either you love Frozen 2 and think it is far superior to the first…
Or you don’t like Frozen 2 at all because the first one was so much better.
I have yet to meet a person who believes both movies are equally good. No in-between.
You can even see this on Rotten Tomatoes, where the first Frozen got a 15% higher score on the Tomato Meter, but Frozen 2 scored 15% higher with the Audience Score.
I have come up with 3 reasons Frozen 2 is either much better (or worse) than the original. My theory is that a person’s reaction to Frozen 2 is ultimately a reflection of the individual viewer’s perspective of their own life.
Major Character Growth: Taking place 6 years (in real time) since the first movie, Frozen 2 gives us a realistic look at what “happily ever after” actually looks like. That means we need to see Elsa, Anna, Kristoff, and Olaf experience the next new challenge to help their growth as individuals. (That’s because happiness requires character growth.) Specifically, Olaf openly encounters a full-on existential crisis, as noted in his song, “When I Am Older.”
More Complex, Introspective Songs: Instead of using the easily likable universal guitar chord progression (G-D-Em-C) exploited in “Let It Go” (similar to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” and Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours”), Frozen 2’s lead track “Into the Unknown” actually requires much more of the song performer and the listener. These songs aren’t as instantly catchy as those from the first Frozen- they grow on you, just like Frozen 2.
More Challenging Plot for the Viewer: The first half of Frozen 2’s technically falls into the category of a thriller/horror movie, as Elsa follows a mystical and ominous voice only she can hear; which serves as a metaphor of how part of the human experience is simultaneously following our hearts, while not allowing our own questions about the future to turn us into our own worst enemies. Some of my favorite quotes of Frozen 2 illustrate how the characters (and the audience) began to understand the importance of emotional intelligence as individuals:
Elsa: “That’s just your fear. Fear is what can’t be trusted.”
Kristoff: “My love is not fragile.”
General Mattias: “Be prepared, just when you think you found your way, life will throw you into a new path.”
That last quote ultimately reveals the theme of Frozen 2. This sequel forces us to come to terms with whether or not we are willing to move on from what life was like 6 years ago.
That is fundamentally what determines whether a person believes Frozen 2 is superior, or inferior, to the first.
If you know me at all, you know that a fundamental life motto of mine is this:
“It is your personal decision, 100% of the time, whether to be offended, insulted, disrespected, to let someone hurt your feelings, or to just simply be ready to instantly forgive.”
That’s an epiphany I had shortly after my 35th birthday. So for the past 3 years, I have been living in that knowledge. That nugget of wisdom has only improved the quality of my life and truly has given my freedom from arbitrary burdens I used to carry.
I have also accepted the reality that anything a person believes, in their own mind, is true.
If someone thinks I’m wrong, immoral, ignorant, immature, lazy, unqualified, too serious, too silly, too conservative, too liberal…
They are always right. To them, it is truth. To them, it is reality.
Therefore, it is a waste of my time, energy, and emotions to attempt to prove them wrong in their perception. It is most likely that they have identity protective cognition, so that my attempts to correct their perspective about me will only reinforce what they already believe about me.
I feel this is the example Jesus gave when he was being questioned by Pilate (in Mark, Chapter 15):
“Are you the king of the Jews?” asked Pilate.
“You have said so,” Jesus replied.
The chief priests accused him of many things. So again Pilate asked him, “Aren’t you going to answer? See how many things they are accusing you of.”
But Jesus still made no reply, and Pilate was amazed.
Granted, I believe that often, when one person makes any kind of judgment call regarding another person’s character, there is a good chance that are simply broadcasting their own insecurities or uncertainties about their own identity.
As a human being, I forfeit my right to be offended. I openly invite the free world to call me every name in the book.
Ultimately, only I get to determine whether I am a victim, a villain, or a victor.
It is my opinion, as a Christian, that it is ideal for Christians to forfeit the right to be offended. Jesus taught his followers to turn the other cheek.
That implies the importance of not only taking the hit, but giving the “offender” the opportunity to strike again.
I see this is a healthy state of being: to be ready at any time to instantly forgive anyone.
Instead of being offended, I say we should use those opportunities to extend grace to the person; whether they are a believer or not.
Who knows? That surprising response of grace could prove to be the simple act of kindness to help minister to the would-be “offender”.
But hey, maybe I’m wrong. And if that’s what you believe, I won’t try to prove otherwise.
After a year of careful consideration and research, I finally purchased a Funko Pop vinyl figure for my cubicle in the office.
But before I made my official decision, I sought my 3 year-old daughter’s confirmation. I presented her with the character figure of J.J. Abrams; the producer of Lost and the new Star Wars movies.
I asked her, “Holly, who is this?”
She immediately smiled and responded: “It’s Daddy!”
In that moment, I received confirmation that my own perception of myself truly matched not only how I perceived how others perceive me, but also, how others actually perceive me. And sure enough, once I debuted my avatar at work this week, all of my co-workers agreed that the Funko Pop vinyl figure of J.J. Abrams does indeed look like me.
A few of my co-workers actually assumed had the figure custom-made!
However, this is somewhat of a rare occurrence:
That my perception of myself matched how I perceive how others perceive me, as well as how others actually perceive me.
One of my life’s revelations this year, after turning 38, is this:
By default, we spend a lot of our time hoping to change things about ourselves that wouldn’t actually make others like us or respect us anymore than they already do. Instead, we remain unaware of the things we could change about ourselves that would actually make us more likable.
We tend to incorrectly assume that others give as high of a value (if any!) to the same traits we place in the category of “If I Only I Was More…”
The irony is that perhaps if we actually obtained the self-assigned “improvements” we wished upon ourselves, others may not even notice at all!
Therefore, we spend much of our time hoping, wishing, and trying to make changes about ourselves that wouldn’t actually improve other people’s perceptions of ourselves; most ideally, improving our relationships with those people.
I’ll be a bit vulnerable here and give you a personal example.
All summer, I have been receiving “What You Were Doing 5 Years Ago” notifications and photos through Facebook.
That was the summer I had recently become a vegan. I was never in my life more perfectly thin and fit. I had finally reached my ideal body weight and clothing size.
I enjoyed that for about a year, before my body found a way to overwrite the shock of no longer consuming cholesterol through my diet. Within a couple of years, I was back to my original weight; despite still being vegan.
I have consistently ran, worked out, and altered my diet to include some animal protein again, but I’m still nowhere near that initial weight from 5 years ago.
But now, I have come to the realization that even if I was able to get back down to my perceived ideal weight of less than 160 pounds, it wouldn’t make anything better in my life… beyond the thoughts in my head.
And actually, back when I was my perceived ideal level of physical fitness 5 years ago, I believe I was less likable of a person back then anyway!
Before the age of 35, I was still giving power over my emotions to other people; still giving the free world free reign regarding the ability to offend me, hurt my feelings, and disrespect me.
I also was still to some degree attempting to prove my views and opinions were superior. I made a fool of myself on Facebook, mocking the concept of human beings consuming eggs and dairy from other species.
Because at that point, I had not reached the level of emotional intelligence I now live in.
It took that experience to help get me where I am today.
The closer I get to age 40 (I’m now just a year and a half way), the clearer my perspective becomes about how the world actually works… especially when it comes to human interaction.
The reality is that most of the time, the things we think will make us be better perceived by others actually have zero value to others.
Instead, most people notice and appreciate a person who is confident yet humble, who knows how to make others feel better about themselves, and invests their time, energy, skills, talents, and/or to help others.
That is what actually makes us liked and respected by people.
So yes, there are 3 different version of reality:
How we perceive ourselves, how we think others perceive us, and how others actually perceive us.
We get to decide for ourselves which version to accept.
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