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Leave a comment Posted on funny, Nostalgia, parenting, Uncategorized

Dear Jack: Hiding in an Ocean of Stuffed Animals, Like E.T. in 1982

5 years, 3 months.

Dear Jack: Hiding in an Ocean of Stuffed Animals, Like E.T. in 1982

Dear Jack,

Last weekend we were in Alabama, celebrating Aunt Dana’s birthday a month late, since the blizzard happened the same day we were supposed to go there on our actual birthday weekend.

You and your cousin Calla enjoyed playing hide-and-go-seek with Uncle Andrew.

With the two of you both being 5 years-old now, you’ve mutually reached a convenient dynamic: You come up with fun and weird ideas, and your cousin goes along with them.

When it came time for your final hiding place before we left to drive back to Tennessee, you discovered the perfect hiding place.

In your Aunt Dana’s dormer window upstairs, there is a display of 1980s and 1990s stuffed animals; including, but not limited to, a Popple, a giant Domino’s Pizza teddy bear, Shoney Bear, and Alf.

You saw it as the perfect opportunity. Quite seamlessly, the two of you immersed yourself in the ocean of stuffed animals.

Instead of hiding out of sight, the two of you hid in plain sight.

Just your expressionless faces were showing in the collection of stuffed animals. I admit, I wouldn’t have found the two of you- I would have walked right past.

Fortunately, your Uncle Andrew snapped a picture of the event on his phone and ran downstairs to show us all, before officially “finding” you two.

It would have been one thing if an adult had given you this idea. But no- this was the result of two 5 year-olds hiding from an adult.

Even more impressive, you have never seen the movie E.T.; since it is not available on Netflix streaming.

One day, when you finally get to see that movie, you’ll watch the scene where E.T. himself hides in a closet full of stuffed animals.

You didn’t get the idea from adults or from a movie. You thought of this all on your own.

I am definitely impressed.

Love,

Daddy

Leave a comment Posted on funny, Storytelling, Uncategorized, vegan

Dear Jack: I’ve Sunk to Your Level of Potty Humor

5 years, 2 months.

Dear Jack: I’ve Sunk to Your Level of Potty Humor

Dear Jack,

A few weeks ago, I told you about how at school you drew a picture of a dragon that breathed air out both ends…

Well, on Tuesday night as I was looking through your daily drawings, I discovered a happy Brontosaurus with his rear end facing what I thought was the pot of food.

But then you explained, “He eats the spaghetti and meatballs and then he potties them out.”

So the “pot of food” was actually the toilet. The brontosaurs apparently ate the spaghetti and meatballs (though he’s a vegetarian, like you), then just moments later they came out into the toilet.

Sounds like that dinosaur needs to have a toilet installed in his kitchen, if that’s the case.

In your typical style, you weren’t smiling or laughing as you told me this. It was became clear to me that you are simply fascinated by how the digestion process works:

Indeed, the dinosaur ate the spaghetti and meatballs and then they came out into the potty.

When I was your age, I was still assuming that when I ate food, it simply just went down to my toes. You’re beyond that naïve concept of thinking.

I couldn’t help but ask a few follow-up questions:

“Did you show this to your friends or teacher?”

“No.”

“Did you laugh when you drew this?”

“Yes.”

“Who did you draw this for? Who did you want to see this?”

“You and Mommy.”

Granted, you didn’t present this drawing to us. You casually waited for us to ask to see your daily drawings from school.

Of course, I couldn’t help but share your art on my Instagram, which is linked to my Twitter and Facebook.

My followers are starting to see a pattern in which potty humor is beginning to play a decent part in what I share about my life.

You are into understanding the physics of the digestive track, by default, becoming one who appreciates potty humor.

I celebrate you, therefore, I celebrate potty humor too.

Love,

Daddy

2 Comments Posted on funny, People, Storytelling, Uncategorized

I Was Fired and Re-Hired within 90 Seconds… While I was in the Bathroom

I Was Fired and Re-Hired within 90 Seconds… While I was in the Bathroom

Yesterday afternoon I had recently returned from buying vegan chocolate cake for my wife, as well as “lip scrub”, which I didn’t know existed until she asked me to get it for her.

For myself, while I was there at Whole Foods, I also picked up a bottle of one of my favorite drinks: Synergy Grape Chia Kombucha.

I suppose I drank it fairly quickly once I returned to the office from my lunch break. So naturally, I had to hop on over to the restroom real quick.

By real quick, I mean literally less than 90 seconds. Here’s how I can know for sure:

Because at precisely 14:04:28, a message went out over our company’s instant message program that “Nick Shell is no longer employed” at the company.

(That message was apparently sent the moment I stepped out of my office.)

Then at exactly 14:05:55, which is less than 90 seconds later, a follow-up message went out explaining that it wasn’t “Nick Shell” who was no longer employed, but instead a different Nick.

Apparently by that time, I was washing my hands in the bathroom. I stepped out into the hallway, to see a huddle of people around my empty desk.

To make matters more seemingly dramatic, my boss (as a joke) moved my chair along with my name plaque and my hat and my empty Kombucha bottle out into the hallway.

Half the people who traveled from the other side of the office to see the crime scene hadn’t seen the follow-up message, so it only reinforced the idea I really was a goner.

I know now how loved I truly am by my co-workers. Apparently I had some people worried. I was originally hired on January 2, 2006; more than a decade ago.

While my family did move back to my hometown for about 8 months when my son was born over 5 years ago, I’ve worked at the company for over 9 years.

I’m known as the guy who has been there forever, so I guess it freaked some people out that I would just so suddenly disappear.

After I later took my afternoon 10 minute break, in which I took a walk outside, another coworker decided to decorate my desk as part of either my going-away party… or my triumphant return.

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Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets, Made from Brown Paper Sacks

5 years, 2 months.

Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets Made from Brown Paper Sacks

Dear Jack,

Monday evening I came home from work, to discover a trail of 5 homemade cat puppets made from brown paper sacks; beginning at the front door, ending at the kitchen.

When I asked you about them, you just smiled but gave me no explanation.

By dinner time, about 30 minutes later, you began opening up.

You shared their names with me: Bouncy Cat, Wizard Cat, Shape Cat, Letter Cat, and Surprise Cat.

Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets Made from Brown Paper Sacks

I quickly noticed that each character had a related symbol drawn on its chest with a marker.

Bouncy Kitty had a red bouncy ball. Wizard Kitty had a magic hat.

I had to ask you, though: “Why does Surprise Kitty have that name?”

You immediately demonstrated. You stuck your hand inside the puppet and opening his mouth; revealing his teeth.

Turns out, Surprise Kitty is the only cat puppet has teeth when you open his mouth.

That’s the surprise.

Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets Made from Brown Paper Sacks

As you were gathering your cat puppets from off the carpet where you had them lined up, Mommy pulled me aside to explain, with a smile:

“Jack made ‘Care Cats’ today at school.”

Mommy and I figured out the story without having to say another word to each other:

This past weekend, as a family, we watched The Care Bears Movie on Netflix.

You were obviously inspired to create your own version: Care Cats.

After dinner, you went on to demonstrate how the Care Cats double as a juke box/CD player.

Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets Made from Brown Paper Sacks

You gave me some quarters to insert inside a Care Cat, which was lying between two pillows. But instead of a song playing, you just started dancing; inviting me to join you.

The next day, I came home to 3 new Care Cats. You insisted I feed them quarters “so they can go poop.” Obviously, lifting the Care Cats upright, causing the quarters to fell out, meant that they were relieving themselves.

Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets Made from Brown Paper Sacks

On your own, you found the old sock money dog bed that I used to place you in when you were a newborn, and you made that the bed for your Care Cats.

Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets Made from Brown Paper Sacks

They sleep next to your bed now, so that you can keep an eye of them.

You are such a sweet and creative boy.

Love,

Daddy

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Dear Jack: You were Legitimately Worried People Would Think I’m Superman

5 years, 1 month.

Dear Jack: You were Legitimately Worried People Would Think I’m Superman

Dear Jack,

Last Saturday, as I was paying for parking so we could attend the Nashville Boat & Sportshow, as well as Monster Jam 2016, you and Mommy stayed in the car.

(Fortunately, we lucked out, and only had to pay $13 to park. In downtown Nashville, that’s a good deal.)

I was wearing my new Superman baseball cap that you and Mommy got me for Christmas. As I was outside in the parking lot finalizing our parking space, you asked Mommy, “What if people think Daddy is Superman because he’s wearing that? What if they start crowding around him?”

This was a legitimate concern to you; that the tourists of downtown Nashville would be stopped in their tracks by the presence of the real Superman.

How would they spot me? Because of my Superman logo on my hat; as opposed to my shirt, were the Superman logo is usually displayed.

Never mind that Superman would be more like 6’4” and 220 pounds, whereas I’m 5’9” and 155 pounds.

Still, in your mind, I could pass as Superman.

If I allowed myself to, I could let that go to my head.

I also learned that same day, that you believe Batman, as well as Superman, are not simply fictional super heroes, but actually real people.

As you saw the “Batman building”, as we Nashvillians call it, you proclaimed, “Daddy, I wonder if Batman really sleeps up there on top of the Batman building?”

So in your mind, not only is Batman a real person, but he happens to live in the center of downtown Nashville.

I love the way you think. I love the thought of a version of reality in which not only legendary superheroes walk among us, but also where I, your Daddy, could possibly be mistaken for one.

But in your mind, it works. I am Superman.

Love,

Daddy