Dear Holly: You’ll Be Born in about One Month, Maybe on Earth Day!

35 weeks.

Dear Holly: You’ll Be Born in about One Month, Maybe on Earth Day!

Dear Holly,

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, when people celebrate a strange tradition in which Americans pretend to be more Irish than they actually are; in a loose effort to honor a Christian bishop and missionary in Ireland, who was actually born in England and who was actually of Italian descent… not Irish.

With Mommy and me both being ¼ Italian, that makes you and your brother ¼ Italian as well. But because people celebrate where St. Patrick lived as a missionary, instead of celebrating his actually ethnic descent, we celebrate Irish stereotypes today instead of Italian ones.

That explains why your brother and I are showing off our green attire in this picture.

With today being March 17th, and your due date being April 21st, we’re only about a month away from your arrival!

(You are now the size of a honeydew melon and that fact is becoming very obvious; as I look at Mommy’s tummy.)

Obviously, my 35th birthday is on April 20th; which is when I want you to be born. I want to share my birthday with you.

However, the full moon in April in 2 days later on the 22nd, which also happens to be Earth Day. There’s a theory that more babies are born near the date of the full moon because of the stronger gravitational pull; like the way the moon affects the ocean tides every night.

So in my mind, there’s a decent chance you’ll be born on April 22nd. I suppose that would be a pretty cool birthday to have, if you can’t share mine on April 20th.

Mommy predicts you’ll be born on April 24th, because of her work schedule.

As far as Mommy’s pregnancy, she’s getting to the point where it seems there’s no comfortable way for her to sleep. I’m sure that only gives her that much more motivation to look forward to you getting out of there.

A month is not a very long time. It’s just a matter of weeks before we see you.

Love,

Daddy

st-patricks-day-infographic-final

Dear Jack: Your New Pet Spider At School

4 years, 4 months.

Dear Jack: Your New Pet Spider at School

Dear Jack,

When Mommy and I got married nearly 7 years ago, I quickly learned that one of my roles was to kill the spiders in our home.

Of course, I knew it’s not wise to kill every spider. After all, certain spiders like granddaddy longlegs are there to prey on the other spiders that may actually be harmful to people.

Dear Jack: Your New Pet Spider at School

So I had to teach Mommy that you definitely want to keep a few spiders in the corners of the house; like having a cat in the barn to catch the mice.

Therefore, it is not in my nature to kill a spider simply because it’s a spider. Unless it’s poisonous and/or potentially harmful to people, the worst I’ll do to a spider is move it outside.

Dear Jack: Your New Pet Spider at School

As my son, you are the same way. Your teacher at Rainbow Child Care Center, Ms. Aimee, sent me this note:

“Last week Jack found a very tiny spider. Instead of smashing it (like what a typical child would do) he wanted to save it from being stepped on. I helped him move the spider to a safe place by the fence where it could be free in the grass.

Jack then decided that our new spider friend needed a house! So he searched the playground for items he could use to build the house. He found rocks, mulch, and grass (so he could eat in the comfort of his home).

The next week he made sure to check the spider’s home every day, to see if it came back. We found a spider web today and came to the conclusion that he must have been playing on the play equipment!”

Your teacher also sent me some pictures of you at school from this past week, ranging from “Dr. Seuss Day” to St. Patrick’s Day.

Speaking of St. Patrick’s Day, I’ve got some pictures of my own to share, so be on the look-out for that…

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack: Your New Pet Spider at School

Dear Jack: Why I Dressed Like This On St. Patrick’s Day

4 years, 4 months.

Dear Jack: Why I Dressed Like This On St. Patrick’s Day

Dear Jack,

I think it’s safe to say that St. Patrick’s Day was just as much fun for me as it was for you. You enjoyed your party at school and seeing your teacher dressed up.

As for me, I had a lot to prove…

Dear Jack: Why I Dressed Like This On St. Patrick’s Day

Last year the office manager where I work asked me to wear my vintage green corduroys on St. Patrick’s Day. Half-jokingly, I responded, “Only if you promise to put me on the cover of the monthly company magazine.”

And so it came to pass…

So for the past year, I have been known as the “official leprechaun” of our company, despite my Mexican and Italian heritage.

Dear Jack: Why I Dressed Like This On St. Patrick’s Day

However, a coworker in the corporate office in Kentucky (I am in the Nashville division) publically challenged me to a duel; the winner to be determined by social media.

In other words, he was challenging my title.

So to make things interesting, I made this video:

I challenged him to wear “leprechaun tights”. I suggested that if he were willing to man up by wearing tights, surely the people on social media would declare him the winner over me.

As for my wardrobe, my favorite description I heard from a coworker was that I looked like either “the dictator of Candy Land or a gangster in the land of Oz.”

Dear Jack: Why I Dressed Like This On St. Patrick’s Day

However, my efforts fell flat when compared to my challenger, who to my surprise, indeed wore tights.

Not the kind of tights I expected him to wear, but he definitely wore them. And a wig.

Plucky O'Guinness

So in the end, he won the official title.

But in my mind, I won the psychological aspect of it: I got a grown man to dress up in ladies’ tights and a wig.

Your Daddy is a clever guy… but I think you already knew that.

Love,

Daddy

The Holidays Can Be Painful, Physically

 St. Patrick’s Day shouldn’t be the only holiday where it’s okay to inflict pain on the people you love as well as random acquaintances. 

Surely the person who started the tradition of pinching people who don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day was OCD and a sadistic individual. And since evidently people enjoy this sort of thing I thought of some similar monthly traditions we could attach to our already existing holidays, as proud Americans. 

New Year’s Day– January 1st: Wet Willy anyone not wearing white.
Valentine’s Day – February 14th: Wedgie anyone not wearing red.
April Fool’s– April 1st: Poke someone in the ribs for those not wearing orange.
Mother’s Day– May 10th: Step on the heels of those not wearing pink.
Father’s Day– June 21st: Get a person in a headlock if they are not wearing blue.

The 4th of July– Place a lit bottle rocket in a person’s back pocket if they don’t appear to be a proud enough American.
Summer Bank Holiday (Scottish Holiday) – August 3rd: Sneak up and surprise someone by playing a bagpipe very loudly if the person isn’t wearing plaid.

Labor Day– September 7th: Make a person mow your lawn if they are not wearing a leisure suit.
Halloween– October 31st: Force feed a person vegetables if they are not wearing a costume.
Thanksgiving– November 26th: Sneak a live turkey into someone’s bed while they are asleep if they come to the dinner table not wearing one of those black and white pilgrim outfits with the bonnet thing on their head.
Christmas– December 25th: Make a person sign an affidavit swearing they will not mail out Christmas cards with their family dressed in reindeer sweaters the following holiday season if they do not dress up as the Holiday Armadillo during gift exchange on Christmas morning.