The Holidays Can Be Painful, Physically

 St. Patrick’s Day shouldn’t be the only holiday where it’s okay to inflict pain on the people you love as well as random acquaintances. 

Surely the person who started the tradition of pinching people who don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day was OCD and a sadistic individual. And since evidently people enjoy this sort of thing I thought of some similar monthly traditions we could attach to our already existing holidays, as proud Americans. 

New Year’s Day– January 1st: Wet Willy anyone not wearing white.
Valentine’s Day – February 14th: Wedgie anyone not wearing red.
April Fool’s– April 1st: Poke someone in the ribs for those not wearing orange.
Mother’s Day– May 10th: Step on the heels of those not wearing pink.
Father’s Day– June 21st: Get a person in a headlock if they are not wearing blue.

The 4th of July– Place a lit bottle rocket in a person’s back pocket if they don’t appear to be a proud enough American.
Summer Bank Holiday (Scottish Holiday) – August 3rd: Sneak up and surprise someone by playing a bagpipe very loudly if the person isn’t wearing plaid.

Labor Day– September 7th: Make a person mow your lawn if they are not wearing a leisure suit.
Halloween– October 31st: Force feed a person vegetables if they are not wearing a costume.
Thanksgiving– November 26th: Sneak a live turkey into someone’s bed while they are asleep if they come to the dinner table not wearing one of those black and white pilgrim outfits with the bonnet thing on their head.
Christmas– December 25th: Make a person sign an affidavit swearing they will not mail out Christmas cards with their family dressed in reindeer sweaters the following holiday season if they do not dress up as the Holiday Armadillo during gift exchange on Christmas morning.

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America’s Got Talent But That Doesn’t Mean They All Have Fans: Why Getting Rich and Famous Like Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber is Just So Darn Tough!

The first thing I randomly thought of when I woke up this morning was who else shares my birthday with me.  There’s Adolph Hitler (b. April 20, 1889).  And Joey Lawrence (b. April 20, 1976).  And then I (b. April 20, 1981) realized that Joey Lawrence is one of those washed out actors I keep forgetting about.  I’m sure if he had the chance, he would love to be back acting in the spotlight.  But the best he could do was to sign up for Dancing with the Stars a few years ago.

Because despite his ability to act and his good looks, America isn’t buying his product anymore.  Like Pauly Shore and Alyssa Milano, they will always have a place in our hearts.  The place labeled “early 1990’s”.

To a degree, almost everyone can sing decently, at least.  But having an amazing voice like Adam Lambert or Taylor Hicks means nothing if people don’t actually buy their music.  Or even buzz about their music on Twitter.

And that is the Survival of the Fittest of the entertainment industry:

“You can sing?  You can dance?  So can I.  So can everybody.  So what?”

 

Without that personal connection with fans, without that “Gotta Have It” trait an entertainer needs, their talent is as forgettable as any failed TV show that Christian Slater or Jerry O’Connell or Jay Mohr has tried to pull off.  Likeable guys, just not enough of that connection with the audience.  What they don’t have, wondergirl Lady Gaga is full of.

Some people are born with it, others are not.  Will Smith has it.  He can pull off being an action star by fighting aliens in Independence Day and he can play a cool, charming gentlemen in the romantic comedy Hitch.

Why do so many people feel they can connect with Will Smith and Lady Gaga?  I don’t know.  And if I did, or if anyone did, that secret would be utilized by everyone struggled to be noticed.

Heck, even Paris Hilton has talent and knows how to use it.  Though it’s easy to say she can’t act, or they she’s fake, there’s no denying that she knows how to play one part very well: the part of a rich American heiress.

She knows how to look like a movie star, speak like she’s from Connecticut, and at the same time she knows how to foolishly party like any young “in the moment” actress in Hollywood.  And as long as people say they are annoyed by Paris Hilton, she’s doing a good job.  The day she is taken seriously is the day her career is over.

 

Of course, sports stars are a little bit of a different story.  Arizona Cardinals running back Tim Hightower’s athletic career isn’t based on his ability to connect with fans.  It’s based on his physical ability to perform.

But even then, there is that professional golfer whom I’m way tired of hearing about.  And his disconnection with his fans definitely caused a distraction in his career.

But when an actor or singer does the same thing, if anything, it may even help their career.  It’s not uncommon for them for have multiple failed marriages.  It’s almost expected.

Funny how we hold different people to different standards like that.  I’m so glad I’m not famous.