marriage

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“Happy Wife, Happy Life” is Garbage

This past Saturday as we were checking into Mountain Escape Spa near Chattanooga, where my wife got a facial while I got a deep tissue Swedish massage, the owner congratulated us on it being our 17th wedding anniversary. She then smiled and asked us, “Wow, 17 years… What’s your secret?”

My wife and I just laughed and looked at each other confused, apparently both feeling unqualified to answer that question. I responded, “Well, I guess it depends on who you ask!”

A few hours later, after our spa treatment and after a fancy steak dinner at The Creag at McLemore Resort, we drove to Mentone Market for dessert before picking up our kids at my parents’ house.

We further discussed the question proposed by the owner of the spa, in regards to what’s our secret of being married 17 years.

“Patience?” was my wife’s answer. She’s right. Over the years, we have largely evolved into much different, yet more mature versions of ourselves; compared to when we first got married.

It has been vital that we have given each other time and space to discover who we are constantly evolving into- and to choose to move forward together while learning each other’s personal growth- in real time.

As for me, my answer to the question of “What’s your secret?” is more exclusive to being the husband. My secret is, “I just take all the advice I was given by other men right before I got married… and do the complete opposite!”

The immediate example of “bad advice” that comes to mind is how husbands have been collectively taught by modern culture to shrug their shoulders and hesitantly say to each other, “Happy wife, happy life…”.

We continue to hear it from other men who have been married longer than we have. We see it on all of those house hunter shows. We can even order t-shirts off of Amazon that say it.

It rhymes, so clearly it must be true. (For the record, nothing really rhymes with “husband”. I Googled it, just to be sure.)

But “happy wife, happy life” is garbage. There, I said it.

And my wife agrees with me on this.

Here is why I openly and passionately disagree with this motto.

It puts the pressure, expectations, and responsibility on the wife; while assuming the husband is doing the right thing by just going with the flow. Specifically, it means the husband puts the wife in a consistent leadership position over him from the start.

This only causes resentment for both parties.

By the husband focusing on “avoiding conflict”, it ironically promotes greater conflict; by drying up a sense of emotional connection in the dynamics of the wife and husband; creating a dangerous state of complacency.

There needs to be a healthy amount of tension in order for things to be interesting in the relationship. Otherwise, the marriage is not a partnership. Instead, it becomes a one-way street: It is imbalanced, as the husband unknowingly places his wife on a pedestal; which by default, puts her in a position to look down on him.

I now see the reality of being married in a much clearer light: A husband can’t make his wife happy by basing the health of their relationship on her being happy.

The wife needs her husband’s authentic input. She needs him to engage by providing his perspective and opinion; even at the risk of it completely opposing hers. And that is not only healthy, but it is necessary.

I wish I knew this 17 years ago. Instead, like most men who are about to get married, “happy wife, happy life” was the advice that was presented to me.

No, I’m not claiming to be any kind of marriage expert. I definitely am not claiming to have the answers.

But I am able to confidently make this call:

“Happy wife, happy life” is officially cancelled.

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I Love You So Much That It Hurts

I can’t speak for most men, but there are certain emotions I really only feel thanks to my relationship with my wife and my kids.

Time is constantly passing and the future is never guaranteed. There’s both joy and sadness in watching my kids grow up a little bit more each day. There’s both joy and sadness in knowing I love my wife to the point I made a pact to grow old together with her, yet one of us is undeniably going to outlive the other.

Life is a gift and time is all we have. I love my wife and my kids so much that it hurts.

But… aside from these thoughts, my brain is not wired to think outside of a certain operating system.

Something I have learned this year after jokingly making my New Year’s Resolution to “be more vulnerable and connected to my emotions”, is that as a man, I mainly only operate using a few select emotions:

Joy, passion, creativity, assertiveness, and “chill”.

Accordingly, my subconscious directs me away from expressing or even feeling any of the vulnerable emotions like shame, fear and anxiety. Otherwise, I would take it as a personal attack that I am “associating myself with weakness”.

This year I had to come to terms with the fact that my personality is much more intense than most people’s. But after enough family members, friends, and coworkers all were describing me the same way, I began to accept that the way I operate is not necessarily the norm.

It has only been the past couple of months I have allowed myself to be “vulnerable” enough to embrace that I am the Challenger; known as Enneagram 8.

Or in Myers-Briggs, an ESTP.

Yes, I’m friendly. But I’m not a “nice guy”.

Yes, I’m a very social person. But I have strong personal boundaries.

No, I do not want to carpool with you. I want to leave when I want to leave.

No, we’re not going to split the check. I’m going to tell the waiter up front that these are on separate checks.

And while I do care to a certain extent that people like me, I am acutely aware that if everyone likes me, it’s probably a sign that I am doing something wrong- because I live by the fact that “you can’t make everyone happy”.

That’s what it’s like inside my head. Therefore, I am naturally surrounded by people who depend on me to be that strong personality for them.

To be clear, I don’t necessarily want to be in charge. Officially, I never hold that title. Instead, people often treat me like I am… so, I am.

Basically, I’m the official “no” guy. When others need a decision to be made, I’m the one who makes it okay to say no. I’ll make the call for them if they need me to.

In my experience, the person who says no typically is the person with the power. And if that’s me, I’m okay with it.

I now understand that I am fundamentally driven by the desire to have a sense of power and control- in other words, to never put myself in a vulnerable situation. To be “untouchable” and above reproach.

So while I myself may not have the capacity to easily access and feel certain emotions on my own, I am tethered to people I love who are able to show me what those emotions look like.

I am able to feel these vulnerable emotions, perhaps vicariously. In a way, my love for my wife and my children help me to experience life from more of a full “human” perspective.

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Who is an Example of a “Healthy” Enneagram 8? Me, Actually.

Continued from yesterday’s cliffhanger here…

As I explained earlier, I discovered I live with an interesting condition where I subconsciously avoid feeling any of the “vulnerable emotions”, like sadness, fear, and embarrassment.

Something in particular that I don’t fear? I don’t fear being wrong. Because if I did… boy, would I feel silly right now. Or would I? Since I don’t seem to ever “feel” embarrassed… even if I should.

It is no secret I am certified in Enneagram. It is no secret I have published a book about men understanding themselves better through Enneagram, which anyone can easily purchase on Amazon.

And it is also no secret that I have publicly identified as an Enneagram 9 Wing 8.

But after my (joke of a) New Year’s Resolution to “be more vulnerable and more in touch with my emotions”, only to discover I am largely driven by the emotions of joy and anger and that it is my instinct to resist any association of being vulnerable…

It’s all there, black and white, clear as crystal… on the website for The Enneagram Institute:

“Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable.”

If you’re familiar with the 9 different Enneagram personalities, then you know that Enneagram 8 has a certain reputation of being… well, an “eight-hole”.

Or if you’re looking for a more church-friendly term, we could say “bull headed”, “bossy”, or “control freak”.

Enneagram 8 is the Challenger, the Boss, and the Protector.

The plot twist: I subconsciously attempted to be any Enneagram number except the one that I actually was, because I fundamentally didn’t want to be associated with having a “challenging” personality.

I am not Enneagram 9 Wing 8. I am the inverse: Enneagram 8 Wing 9.

(Nine was such a likeable number, though. The Peacemaker? Oh well, I tried.)

I have been asked several times about how a person’s Enneagram number might be affected by the environment they are raised in: nature vs. nurture. I would say I am an interesting example of how nurture can heavily influence nature, as it relates to Enneagram.

If you have ever been around my parents, you know that they are mild-mannered. They identify as introverts. I was the first born child in the family. I carried with me this idea from childhood- even now I can still hear my mom’s voice from the early 1980’s: “You’re Mommy’s good little boy.”

I maintained this simple idea as part of my identity throughout my teenage years, college years, and adulthood: to be a good boy… and eventually a good man.

While I certainly consider myself to be “good”, as well as friendly and personable, I would never want to be known as a “nice guy”. Because the way my brain works, nice equals weak.

On the inside, I have always been driven by this strong sense of recognizing when something was wrong and being motivated to get involved to correct it and make it right.

This means, at times, being uncomfortably direct or confrontational; in other words, initiating conflict instead of avoiding it.

I think the “nurture” side of me has always been strong enough to redirect my energy, causing me to be a more tamed version of a typical Enneagram 8.

(As a reference, on the “not so tame” end of the Enneagram 8 spectrum, we find Fidel Castro, Saddam Hussein, and Benito Mussolini.)

The “nurture side” of my upbringing led to my dominant wing being a 9 (seeking harmony and peace) and my subtype being “social”; which is the countertype of an Enneagram 8. I am the specific variation of an Enneagram that can resemble an Enneagram 9, or even an Enneagram 2.

Another clue to me actually being an Enneagram 8 is when I go into “stress mode”. What tends to trigger this is when I am in a room where I feel I have no control-  or when I feel I have taken too much control of the room and I realize it:

I shut down. I go silent. I leave the room. I disappear.

In this way, I resemble an Enneagram 5, the most socially reserved.

But since rebooting my life with my family here in Alabama where the culture is much calmer and “chaos as the norm” is now a distant memory, and considering how far along I am in life at age 43, I would consider myself a “healthy 8” at this point.

That implies that while I am definitely always at least “low key intense”, I become the best version of myself when I empower others; which is how I am finding I am choosing to spend a decent amount of free time these days.

I wanted to be the token Paul Rudd; the easy-going guy who gets eventually annoyed but still goes along with what the group wants to keep the peace. And sometimes, I could easily pass as that Enneagram 9.

But the reality is, the actual me has a stage presence much more similar to Robert DeNiro, Joe Rogan, Tom Hardy, Sean Penn, or Johnny Cash:

Enneagram 8 Wing 9, also known as “The Bear”, or “The Mob Boss”.

Back in high school, my senior year in 1999 I was voted “One and Only”. My entire life I have known I am different compared to the average person. How could I not be? Enneagram 8s are the official challengers of all the numbers.

Also my senior year, I casually auditioned for the senior play and was immediately cast as the comic relief/minor villain, “The Wolf”. It’s undeniably the energy of an Enneagram 8 on display. But was I really even acting?

Like Frank Sinatra, one of the most famous Enneagram 8 Wing 9s famously sang, “I did it my way.”

I guess it all goes back to my need for control. Here’s a perfect example: Years ago, I worked in an office where “Casual Fridays” were allowed.

To mock the arbitrary concept of only being allowed to wear jeans on Friday, but not Monday through Thursday, I started “Hawaiian Shirt Thursdays”. I even hung up flyers in the bathrooms to promote the perfect transition to Casual Friday.

A Hawaiian shirt is a button down shirt with a collar, so it didn’t violate the dress code for Thursdays. About a month into it, I had at least a dozen coworkers joining me each Wednesday for the event.

I “challenged” the dress code. Regardless of an official title, I acted like a boss- and people followed me; even if it was all in the name of fun.

So if only “eight-holes” come to mind when you think of Enneagram 8s, hopefully I have now “challenged” you to see us 8s in a new light.

Who knows? Maybe you’re an 8. Or maybe you’re married to an 8.

My wife is married to an 8. I almost feel bad for her. But as I was unpacking my true number, she was “helping” me realize hers:

She’s a 2, the Helper. Makes sense I would need her help.

So what about you? Do you think you might know an Enneagram 8 in your life?

I am curious. Tell me more!

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“Shotgun” – Song 11 – Enneagram 6 Songwriter – Analyzing Lyrics – Themes of Belonging and Security

My 11th song, “Shotgun”, was the first released during The Covid Lockdown; on March 20th, 2020. Perhaps I started becoming more inspired to write about my relationship with my wife during this time. In fact, I pitched this song to her, as a duet. But she decided she wanted me to do this one alone.

“Shotgun” is a song I wrote to point out the near absurdity in betting the rest of your life on spending it with another person… for better and for worse.

I chose the term “shotgun” in connection of the phrase “shotgun wedding”. Even though my wife and I didn’t have a rushed wedding, in the grand scheme of things, it can still seem that way to some degree:

Know a person for a year or so, and then you take one “shot” on them by choosing to commit your life to them; hoping the other person is as committed as you are, no matter what lies ahead.

As an Enneagram 6, I am wired to crave and to provide stability and security. These lyrics show a glimpse into the way I arguably “overthink” every situation:

“I’ve got my finger on the trigger, but just one bullet in the chamber – For better or for worse, forever – Until death do we part – Staring down the barrel of a shotgun against my shoulder – Praying that I’m solid in my aim – I can’t afford to miss it, either it is or isn’t – Neither of us will ever be the same – Best case scenario, we both grow old until one of us dies and leaves the other all alone – Happily ever after, celebrations and disasters – Sweet and sour, I ain’t going nowhere – Anti-climatic, existential crisis, comic, tragic – Why are we still here? I don’t have all the answers but I’ve made my peace with God – I’m taking you with me into the great beyond – Hallelujah”

So looking back on this song I wrote over 2 years ago, can you see how I am a loyalist and a skeptic? Can you see my longing for security and confirmation of my own existence; which shows my true Enneagram is actually a 6?

Feel free to leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

And now you can listen to the song, below, if you wish:

 

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“(Subtitles) I Dare You Not to Fall in Love with Me” – Song 6 – Enneagram 6 Songwriter – Analyzing Lyrics – Themes of Belonging and Security

My 6th song was another one of the four that my wife sang with me. Recorded on November 19th, 2019, I wrote this song as a true duet; which serves as a real-time breakdown of the day we met; on October 5th, 2006.

The lyrics go back and forth between my perspective and my wife’s. It’s rare that I write a “love song”, but this is about as close as it gets to that for me.

It just so happens that both my wife and I happen to be Enneagram 6. Perhaps that’s part of the mutual attraction we saw in each other when we first met, and still experience now, having been married 14 years.

The concept: We saw “stability and security” in each other.

Since Enneagram 6s are known for being overthinkers, I wrote this concept into the song, as the back-and-forth between us addresses what we are both individually thinking. Here are the lyrics:

“Hey pretty girl, whatcha doing the rest of your life? Say the next 50 years or so, starting tonight? I’ll give you the next 5 minutes, all or nothing – When I saw you across the room, you had it coming – This could be interesting, maybe not what I was expecting – I dare you not to fall in love with me – You can’t read my mind right now, you don’t know what I’m thinking – You can’t translate what I say without subtitles at the bottom of the screen – I dare you not to fall in love with me  -Tell me, Mr. Man, what are your plans? Can you charm me, disalarm me, make me laugh? If I couldn’t would you still be standing here? You’re not giving up, that’s pretty clear”

So looking back on this song I wrote nearly 4 years ago, can you see the Enneagram 6? Can you see my longing for security and confirmation of my own existence?

Feel free to leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

And now you can listen to the song, below, if you wish: