Enneagram

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You Don’t Choose Your Family

It’s so obvious, yet I’ve never really given it much thought until now: You choose your spouse and you choose your friends… but you don’t choose your family.

That means you have to learn to appreciate all the quirks of your family members… as they have to learn to deal with yours!

One of the trends you may remember from this past  Christmas was where families were posting their customized and personalized matching “Most Likely” t-shirts.

Thanks to my sister-in-law Jen, our family was able to participate in this fun trend. She was certainly accurate in choosing the most appropriate shirt for each member of our family.

That is interesting and fascinating to me:

People outside of your own immediate family can often pinpoint a particular fun character trait for each person… perhaps better than if you chose one for yourself.

My wife is the event planner of our family: “Mostly likely to organize the presents”. Our son is the curious, activity-based one: “Mostly likely to go fishing with Santa.” Our daughter is basically a personified kitten: “Most likely to be the cutest.”  And me… I don’t want to be told what to do, especially if it’s what everyone else is doing: “Most likely to hate this shirt.”

While my wife and I certainly did choose to spend our lives together, we didn’t fill out paperwork to choose our kids’ personalities… nor did they choose what their parents’ personalities would be like.

Especially due to the fact I am certified in Enneagram personality assessment, I see the potentially conflicting dynamics even more clearly than most people might.

I also can’t help but notice the obvious patterns in which people tend to choose their spouse and friends based on the person either A) being one of the Enneagram numbers next to their own or B) in their path of growth or stress.

For example, my wife is Enneagram 2 and I am Enneagram 8. When she is in stress mode, her personality morphs into an 8, which is my main number.

Similarly, when I am at my best, my personality morphs into hers: As an Enenagram 8, I act more like a 2.

In other words, we naturally understandly each other at our best and worst.

I also know several married couples who fit this dynamic where one spouse is Enneagram 6 and they are married to an Ennagram 9. Same concept: They become each other at either their best or worst.

When people don’t marry their “growth/stress” number in Enneagram, they tend to marry the number next to them. For example, it is pretty common for an Ennneagram 1 to be married to either an Enneagram 9 or an Enneagram 2: both of which are the numbers next to them.

These patterns exist in friendships as well: We naturally gravitate towards people who “get us”, though they are not just like us.

With all that being said, your kids may not conveniently happen to be your “Enneagram neighbor” or in your growth/stress path. That means it requires extra effort to understand them.

Or as I said earlier, you have to learn to appreciate all the quirks of your family members… as they have to learn to deal with yours.

I would theorize that this is why it is pretty common for employers, churches, and community groups to proclaim, “We’re all like a big family here!”

Translation: We didn’t necessarily choose each other individually, but we have figured out how to work with each other’s strengths and how to work around each other’s weaknesses.

It was only a year ago that I was finally able to be honest with myself, after hearing constantly unanimous feedback from family, friends, and coworkers who truly know me in real life… that my Enneagram number is 8… also known as “the challenger”.

If you Google, “Which Enneagram is the hardest to live with?”, my number immediately is the one that comes up. I finally owned up to it and made it official at my wife’s work party where they featured a customizable hat bar. I borrowed the words of Taylor Swift for my hat:

“It’s me. Hi! I’m the problem. It’s me!”

So the next time you become accutely aware of another person’s quirks, just ask yourself, “Uh oh… what quirks of mine do other people have to deal with?”

I am the exception. I am perfectly normal in every way… obviously!

 

 

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I Love You So Much That It Hurts

I can’t speak for most men, but there are certain emotions I really only feel thanks to my relationship with my wife and my kids.

Time is constantly passing and the future is never guaranteed. There’s both joy and sadness in watching my kids grow up a little bit more each day. There’s both joy and sadness in knowing I love my wife to the point I made a pact to grow old together with her, yet one of us is undeniably going to outlive the other.

Life is a gift and time is all we have. I love my wife and my kids so much that it hurts.

But… aside from these thoughts, my brain is not wired to think outside of a certain operating system.

Something I have learned this year after jokingly making my New Year’s Resolution to “be more vulnerable and connected to my emotions”, is that as a man, I mainly only operate using a few select emotions:

Joy, passion, creativity, assertiveness, and “chill”.

Accordingly, my subconscious directs me away from expressing or even feeling any of the vulnerable emotions like shame, fear and anxiety. Otherwise, I would take it as a personal attack that I am “associating myself with weakness”.

This year I had to come to terms with the fact that my personality is much more intense than most people’s. But after enough family members, friends, and coworkers all were describing me the same way, I began to accept that the way I operate is not necessarily the norm.

It has only been the past couple of months I have allowed myself to be “vulnerable” enough to embrace that I am the Challenger; known as Enneagram 8.

Or in Myers-Briggs, an ESTP.

Yes, I’m friendly. But I’m not a “nice guy”.

Yes, I’m a very social person. But I have strong personal boundaries.

No, I do not want to carpool with you. I want to leave when I want to leave.

No, we’re not going to split the check. I’m going to tell the waiter up front that these are on separate checks.

And while I do care to a certain extent that people like me, I am acutely aware that if everyone likes me, it’s probably a sign that I am doing something wrong- because I live by the fact that “you can’t make everyone happy”.

That’s what it’s like inside my head. Therefore, I am naturally surrounded by people who depend on me to be that strong personality for them.

To be clear, I don’t necessarily want to be in charge. Officially, I never hold that title. Instead, people often treat me like I am… so, I am.

Basically, I’m the official “no” guy. When others need a decision to be made, I’m the one who makes it okay to say no. I’ll make the call for them if they need me to.

In my experience, the person who says no typically is the person with the power. And if that’s me, I’m okay with it.

I now understand that I am fundamentally driven by the desire to have a sense of power and control- in other words, to never put myself in a vulnerable situation. To be “untouchable” and above reproach.

So while I myself may not have the capacity to easily access and feel certain emotions on my own, I am tethered to people I love who are able to show me what those emotions look like.

I am able to feel these vulnerable emotions, perhaps vicariously. In a way, my love for my wife and my children help me to experience life from more of a full “human” perspective.

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Status Symbol Unlocked: Enjoying Family Vacations

New status symbol now unlocked: I have reached the point in my life where I look forward to, and truly enjoy, family vacations.

Last summer when we travelled to Oregon, I thought it might have just been a fluke. But no, as a 43 year-old husband married to a 43 year-old wife, along with our 14 year-old son and 8 year-old daughter, we are collectively in a place where family vacations are fun, relaxing, and meaningful.

This past week while we were on family vacation, I was intensely aware of the fact that “these are the good old days”…

As I took each photo of my family in real time, it was not lost on me that I already have everything I want and need right here in front of me. That this is what happily ever after looks like.

I am not looking to the future for things to finally “get better”. No, we have now arrived at our destination.

The entire vacation itself has become the “highlight reel”, as opposed to me finding the best exceptional moments in a week-long series of trigger points for my blood pressure to rise and then for me to emotionally shut down.

No more whining in the backseat. No more fighting over which child “gets to sit next to Mommy” at the restaurant. No more annoying drawn-out bath time or bedtime routines.

No more diapers. No more sippy cups. No more strollers. No more car seats. No more naps.

I have graduated from all of that.

Um… so this is great.

Monday morning, I drove a little over 5 hours to the Gulf Coast, while the kids slept in the backseat and as my wife read us the book, The Let Them Theory.

Then we stayed in a condo right there on the water, but not on one of those overcrowded beaches where loud drunk people would ruin the ambience. Even when we did leave for coffee or lunch, we never needed to drive more than a few miles away.

No traffic. No paying to park. No silly “Lightning Lane” passes.

By the 2nd day of our trip, I told my wife, “This is something beyond a family vacation. This is a family retreat.”

It was very noticeable that each of the 4 of us were truly at ease and connected with one another. No distractions. No obligations. Nothing to be but ourselves.

And I think for me specifically, I needed to see what this looks like.

For years now, I have studied, researched, and even published a book on Enneagram. I am fascinated to learn who everyone is underneath how they behave on the outside.

I love being able to understand how to relate better with all people in my life, but especially my own family.

It is a gift for me to be able see my wife and my kids, as well as myself, for who we fundamentally and individually are. I think that’s a lot of the reason why our Spring Break vacation felt like a family retreat. It’s not just about the kids being less needy and more mature.

Instead, it’s because nearly a year into our move from Tennessee and essentially “rebooting” our lives in a slower pace in Alabama, the fog has cleared. I think all of us are able to see each other in a new light.

My 2 Wing 3 wife and daughter are ambitious, selfless, and sociable.

My 5 Wing 4 son is curious, creative, and reserved.

And much to my surprise, yet no one else’s, I am actually 8 Wing 7: pragmatic, assertive, and charismatic.

So as far as status symbols go, I don’t need a fancy car or a big mansion or expensive clothes. Just let me live a life where I can actually enjoy vacations with my family.

That’s enough for me.

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Who is an Example of a “Healthy” Enneagram 8? Me, Actually.

Continued from yesterday’s cliffhanger here…

As I explained earlier, I discovered I live with an interesting condition where I subconsciously avoid feeling any of the “vulnerable emotions”, like sadness, fear, and embarrassment.

Something in particular that I don’t fear? I don’t fear being wrong. Because if I did… boy, would I feel silly right now. Or would I? Since I don’t seem to ever “feel” embarrassed… even if I should.

It is no secret I am certified in Enneagram. It is no secret I have published a book about men understanding themselves better through Enneagram, which anyone can easily purchase on Amazon.

And it is also no secret that I have publicly identified as an Enneagram 9 Wing 8.

But after my (joke of a) New Year’s Resolution to “be more vulnerable and more in touch with my emotions”, only to discover I am largely driven by the emotions of joy and anger and that it is my instinct to resist any association of being vulnerable…

It’s all there, black and white, clear as crystal… on the website for The Enneagram Institute:

“Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable.”

If you’re familiar with the 9 different Enneagram personalities, then you know that Enneagram 8 has a certain reputation of being… well, an “eight-hole”.

Or if you’re looking for a more church-friendly term, we could say “bull headed”, “bossy”, or “control freak”.

Enneagram 8 is the Challenger, the Boss, and the Protector.

The plot twist: I subconsciously attempted to be any Enneagram number except the one that I actually was, because I fundamentally didn’t want to be associated with having a “challenging” personality.

I am not Enneagram 9 Wing 8. I am the inverse: Enneagram 8 Wing 9.

(Nine was such a likeable number, though. The Peacemaker? Oh well, I tried.)

I have been asked several times about how a person’s Enneagram number might be affected by the environment they are raised in: nature vs. nurture. I would say I am an interesting example of how nurture can heavily influence nature, as it relates to Enneagram.

If you have ever been around my parents, you know that they are mild-mannered. They identify as introverts. I was the first born child in the family. I carried with me this idea from childhood- even now I can still hear my mom’s voice from the early 1980’s: “You’re Mommy’s good little boy.”

I maintained this simple idea as part of my identity throughout my teenage years, college years, and adulthood: to be a good boy… and eventually a good man.

While I certainly consider myself to be “good”, as well as friendly and personable, I would never want to be known as a “nice guy”. Because the way my brain works, nice equals weak.

On the inside, I have always been driven by this strong sense of recognizing when something was wrong and being motivated to get involved to correct it and make it right.

This means, at times, being uncomfortably direct or confrontational; in other words, initiating conflict instead of avoiding it.

I think the “nurture” side of me has always been strong enough to redirect my energy, causing me to be a more tamed version of a typical Enneagram 8.

(As a reference, on the “not so tame” end of the Enneagram 8 spectrum, we find Fidel Castro, Saddam Hussein, and Benito Mussolini.)

The “nurture side” of my upbringing led to my dominant wing being a 9 (seeking harmony and peace) and my subtype being “social”; which is the countertype of an Enneagram 8. I am the specific variation of an Enneagram that can resemble an Enneagram 9, or even an Enneagram 2.

Another clue to me actually being an Enneagram 8 is when I go into “stress mode”. What tends to trigger this is when I am in a room where I feel I have no control-  or when I feel I have taken too much control of the room and I realize it:

I shut down. I go silent. I leave the room. I disappear.

In this way, I resemble an Enneagram 5, the most socially reserved.

But since rebooting my life with my family here in Alabama where the culture is much calmer and “chaos as the norm” is now a distant memory, and considering how far along I am in life at age 43, I would consider myself a “healthy 8” at this point.

That implies that while I am definitely always at least “low key intense”, I become the best version of myself when I empower others; which is how I am finding I am choosing to spend a decent amount of free time these days.

I wanted to be the token Paul Rudd; the easy-going guy who gets eventually annoyed but still goes along with what the group wants to keep the peace. And sometimes, I could easily pass as that Enneagram 9.

But the reality is, the actual me has a stage presence much more similar to Robert DeNiro, Joe Rogan, Tom Hardy, Sean Penn, or Johnny Cash:

Enneagram 8 Wing 9, also known as “The Bear”, or “The Mob Boss”.

Back in high school, my senior year in 1999 I was voted “One and Only”. My entire life I have known I am different compared to the average person. How could I not be? Enneagram 8s are the official challengers of all the numbers.

Also my senior year, I casually auditioned for the senior play and was immediately cast as the comic relief/minor villain, “The Wolf”. It’s undeniably the energy of an Enneagram 8 on display. But was I really even acting?

Like Frank Sinatra, one of the most famous Enneagram 8 Wing 9s famously sang, “I did it my way.”

I guess it all goes back to my need for control. Here’s a perfect example: Years ago, I worked in an office where “Casual Fridays” were allowed.

To mock the arbitrary concept of only being allowed to wear jeans on Friday, but not Monday through Thursday, I started “Hawaiian Shirt Thursdays”. I even hung up flyers in the bathrooms to promote the perfect transition to Casual Friday.

A Hawaiian shirt is a button down shirt with a collar, so it didn’t violate the dress code for Thursdays. About a month into it, I had at least a dozen coworkers joining me each Wednesday for the event.

I “challenged” the dress code. Regardless of an official title, I acted like a boss- and people followed me; even if it was all in the name of fun.

So if only “eight-holes” come to mind when you think of Enneagram 8s, hopefully I have now “challenged” you to see us 8s in a new light.

Who knows? Maybe you’re an 8. Or maybe you’re married to an 8.

My wife is married to an 8. I almost feel bad for her. But as I was unpacking my true number, she was “helping” me realize hers:

She’s a 2, the Helper. Makes sense I would need her help.

So what about you? Do you think you might know an Enneagram 8 in your life?

I am curious. Tell me more!

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Dear Jack: Showing Enneagram 4 Vibes by Staring Out the Window

14 years, 1 month.

Dear Jack,

Last Sunday afternoon as it was raining, I was in my room working on writing some new songs. When I finally took a break, I happened to walk out into the living room and catch a glimpse of you and Mommy in a genuine, authentic moment:

The two of you were sitting next to each other, not saying a word, staring out the window.

Fortunately, I was able to sneak a photo of that exact uninterrupted scene. The meme of Kermit the Frog comes to mind.

I then broke the silence by laughing at loud.

It served as a funny reminder to me that I am the only person in our household who doesn’t have an Enneagram 4 associated with my personality.

You are an Enneagram 5 with a dominant 4 wing, while Mommy is an Enneagram 3 with a dominant 4 wing. And as for your sister, she is an Enneagram 2 who morphs into an Enneagram 4 when she is happy.

Enneagram 4s are known for being the most aware of their emotions. In other words, they are the type most likely to get caught up in staring out the window on a rainy day.

So by default, that means that I win the award for “Least Emotional” in our house. And I’m pretty sure that is no surprise to anyone.

Love,

Daddy