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I Was Fired and Re-Hired within 90 Seconds… While I was in the Bathroom

I Was Fired and Re-Hired within 90 Seconds… While I was in the Bathroom

Yesterday afternoon I had recently returned from buying vegan chocolate cake for my wife, as well as “lip scrub”, which I didn’t know existed until she asked me to get it for her.

For myself, while I was there at Whole Foods, I also picked up a bottle of one of my favorite drinks: Synergy Grape Chia Kombucha.

I suppose I drank it fairly quickly once I returned to the office from my lunch break. So naturally, I had to hop on over to the restroom real quick.

By real quick, I mean literally less than 90 seconds. Here’s how I can know for sure:

Because at precisely 14:04:28, a message went out over our company’s instant message program that “Nick Shell is no longer employed” at the company.

(That message was apparently sent the moment I stepped out of my office.)

Then at exactly 14:05:55, which is less than 90 seconds later, a follow-up message went out explaining that it wasn’t “Nick Shell” who was no longer employed, but instead a different Nick.

Apparently by that time, I was washing my hands in the bathroom. I stepped out into the hallway, to see a huddle of people around my empty desk.

To make matters more seemingly dramatic, my boss (as a joke) moved my chair along with my name plaque and my hat and my empty Kombucha bottle out into the hallway.

Half the people who traveled from the other side of the office to see the crime scene hadn’t seen the follow-up message, so it only reinforced the idea I really was a goner.

I know now how loved I truly am by my co-workers. Apparently I had some people worried. I was originally hired on January 2, 2006; more than a decade ago.

While my family did move back to my hometown for about 8 months when my son was born over 5 years ago, I’ve worked at the company for over 9 years.

I’m known as the guy who has been there forever, so I guess it freaked some people out that I would just so suddenly disappear.

After I later took my afternoon 10 minute break, in which I took a walk outside, another coworker decided to decorate my desk as part of either my going-away party… or my triumphant return.

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Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets, Made from Brown Paper Sacks

5 years, 2 months.

Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets Made from Brown Paper Sacks

Dear Jack,

Monday evening I came home from work, to discover a trail of 5 homemade cat puppets made from brown paper sacks; beginning at the front door, ending at the kitchen.

When I asked you about them, you just smiled but gave me no explanation.

By dinner time, about 30 minutes later, you began opening up.

You shared their names with me: Bouncy Cat, Wizard Cat, Shape Cat, Letter Cat, and Surprise Cat.

Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets Made from Brown Paper Sacks

I quickly noticed that each character had a related symbol drawn on its chest with a marker.

Bouncy Kitty had a red bouncy ball. Wizard Kitty had a magic hat.

I had to ask you, though: “Why does Surprise Kitty have that name?”

You immediately demonstrated. You stuck your hand inside the puppet and opening his mouth; revealing his teeth.

Turns out, Surprise Kitty is the only cat puppet has teeth when you open his mouth.

That’s the surprise.

Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets Made from Brown Paper Sacks

As you were gathering your cat puppets from off the carpet where you had them lined up, Mommy pulled me aside to explain, with a smile:

“Jack made ‘Care Cats’ today at school.”

Mommy and I figured out the story without having to say another word to each other:

This past weekend, as a family, we watched The Care Bears Movie on Netflix.

You were obviously inspired to create your own version: Care Cats.

After dinner, you went on to demonstrate how the Care Cats double as a juke box/CD player.

Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets Made from Brown Paper Sacks

You gave me some quarters to insert inside a Care Cat, which was lying between two pillows. But instead of a song playing, you just started dancing; inviting me to join you.

The next day, I came home to 3 new Care Cats. You insisted I feed them quarters “so they can go poop.” Obviously, lifting the Care Cats upright, causing the quarters to fell out, meant that they were relieving themselves.

Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets Made from Brown Paper Sacks

On your own, you found the old sock money dog bed that I used to place you in when you were a newborn, and you made that the bed for your Care Cats.

Dear Jack: Your “Care Cats” Puppets Made from Brown Paper Sacks

They sleep next to your bed now, so that you can keep an eye of them.

You are such a sweet and creative boy.

Love,

Daddy

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Dear Jack: You were Legitimately Worried People Would Think I’m Superman

5 years, 1 month.

Dear Jack: You were Legitimately Worried People Would Think I’m Superman

Dear Jack,

Last Saturday, as I was paying for parking so we could attend the Nashville Boat & Sportshow, as well as Monster Jam 2016, you and Mommy stayed in the car.

(Fortunately, we lucked out, and only had to pay $13 to park. In downtown Nashville, that’s a good deal.)

I was wearing my new Superman baseball cap that you and Mommy got me for Christmas. As I was outside in the parking lot finalizing our parking space, you asked Mommy, “What if people think Daddy is Superman because he’s wearing that? What if they start crowding around him?”

This was a legitimate concern to you; that the tourists of downtown Nashville would be stopped in their tracks by the presence of the real Superman.

How would they spot me? Because of my Superman logo on my hat; as opposed to my shirt, were the Superman logo is usually displayed.

Never mind that Superman would be more like 6’4” and 220 pounds, whereas I’m 5’9” and 155 pounds.

Still, in your mind, I could pass as Superman.

If I allowed myself to, I could let that go to my head.

I also learned that same day, that you believe Batman, as well as Superman, are not simply fictional super heroes, but actually real people.

As you saw the “Batman building”, as we Nashvillians call it, you proclaimed, “Daddy, I wonder if Batman really sleeps up there on top of the Batman building?”

So in your mind, not only is Batman a real person, but he happens to live in the center of downtown Nashville.

I love the way you think. I love the thought of a version of reality in which not only legendary superheroes walk among us, but also where I, your Daddy, could possibly be mistaken for one.

But in your mind, it works. I am Superman.

Love,

Daddy

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Dear Jack: You Spent Your Own Money on a Bag of Non-GMO Potato Chips

Dear Jack: You Spent Your Own Money on a Bag of Non-GMO, Organic Potato Chips

Being raised by two Dave Ramsey followers as parents, I’m sure to some degree, your version of reality might differ from some of your friends and classmates.

This past Saturday, we decided to drive down to one of the Portlandia-type parts of Nashville: 12 South. We had lunch at a place called Sloco; a sandwich shop that specializes in local ingredients.

After we picked out our vegan and vegetarian sandwiches, we each picked out a bag of non-GMO, potato chips; the only brand they carried was one I had never heard of: Deep River Snacks.

Near the end of the meal, you still had half of your bag of chips remaining, yet you asked Mommy and me for another bag.

You insisted, “But I want more for later. I really like these chips. They’re the best chips I’ve ever had.”

We explained to you that if you were willing to spend some of your remaining Christmas gift money on the chips, then that would be fine; but that we weren’t going to spend any more of our family’s budgeted food money on your extra bag of chips.

With little hesitation, you agreed. I walked you up to the counter and you purchased the chips: $1.62.

This sort of amazed me and Mommy.

It seems all you’ve ever spent your own money on has been stuffed animals and a few monster trucks.

But chips? Seriously, they were that good in your mind.

Unsurprisingly, that night for dinner you asked us if you could eat your 2nd bag of chips with your meal.

I figured if the chips really meant that much to you, how could I say no?

This story is so funny to me because I’ve never seen you so passionate about any food item.

And they were just plain chips. Just a few ingredients; potatoes, sunflower oil, sea salt.

Honestly, I’m proud that they were non-GMO (and kosher). That part is surely lost on you.

Good chips are good chips. And sometimes they’re apparently worth spending your own money on.

Love,

Daddy

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My Dad’s “Rat Burger” Story: A Rat Refused to Eat His McDonald’s Cheeseburger

Yesterday morning my dad, Jack Shell, posted an interesting little story on his Facebook page. I thought it was worth sharing here on my blog:

rat burger

“This is a McDonald’s cheeseburger I bought in November 2014. It has been in the original wrapper on a shelf in my office. The bread is hard and brittle but there is no mold, no smell, no deterioration. Rats and insects haven’t even touched it. I just killed a big rat in my office last week, too. I guess the rat didn’t recognize it to be food. Why should you? Remember this next time you are eating at McDonald’s.”

I suppose that my dad’s testimonial is not too shocking, considering most of us have already since Supersize Me at least once by now.

Apparently my dad decided to do a science experiment of his own. Even aside from the fact the rat didn’t find the cheeseburger and try to eat it, is the fact that nothing else in time between November 2014 and January 2016 tried to eat it either.

If nothing else, the meat itself should have attracted some kind of critter by the end of the week.

Plus, my dad mentioned nothing about a horrible smell that he, nor any other person that walked into his office, ever smelled for over a year. Because evidently, there was no horrible smell even though there should have been.

I think it’s impressive that McDonald’s is able to make a food product that A) is delicious to humans but B) is not attractive to insects or animals in the food chain whose job it is to take care of food lying around on the planet; while C) at the same time this same cheeseburger contains both meat and cheese but still does not smell horrible when left out for days, weeks, months, or even a year in just a room temperature building.

Should you have any doubt of the validity of my dad’s testimonial, it would be pretty easy to debunk. Just simply leave a McDonald’s cheeseburger in your office for over a year and then find out the results.

Granted, the fact that you could even make it more than just a few weeks would already prove my dad’s point.