Enneagram

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You Don’t Choose Your Family

It’s so obvious, yet I’ve never really given it much thought until now: You choose your spouse and you choose your friends… but you don’t choose your family.

That means you have to learn to appreciate all the quirks of your family members… as they have to learn to deal with yours!

One of the trends you may remember from this past  Christmas was where families were posting their customized and personalized matching “Most Likely” t-shirts.

Thanks to my sister-in-law Jen, our family was able to participate in this fun trend. She was certainly accurate in choosing the most appropriate shirt for each member of our family.

That is interesting and fascinating to me:

People outside of your own immediate family can often pinpoint a particular fun character trait for each person… perhaps better than if you chose one for yourself.

My wife is the event planner of our family: “Mostly likely to organize the presents”. Our son is the curious, activity-based one: “Mostly likely to go fishing with Santa.” Our daughter is basically a personified kitten: “Most likely to be the cutest.”  And me… I don’t want to be told what to do, especially if it’s what everyone else is doing: “Most likely to hate this shirt.”

While my wife and I certainly did choose to spend our lives together, we didn’t fill out paperwork to choose our kids’ personalities… nor did they choose what their parents’ personalities would be like.

Especially due to the fact I am certified in Enneagram personality assessment, I see the potentially conflicting dynamics even more clearly than most people might.

I also can’t help but notice the obvious patterns in which people tend to choose their spouse and friends based on the person either A) being one of the Enneagram numbers next to their own or B) in their path of growth or stress.

For example, my wife is Enneagram 2 and I am Enneagram 8. When she is in stress mode, her personality morphs into an 8, which is my main number.

Similarly, when I am at my best, my personality morphs into hers: As an Enenagram 8, I act more like a 2.

In other words, we naturally understandly each other at our best and worst.

I also know several married couples who fit this dynamic where one spouse is Enneagram 6 and they are married to an Ennagram 9. Same concept: They become each other at either their best or worst.

When people don’t marry their “growth/stress” number in Enneagram, they tend to marry the number next to them. For example, it is pretty common for an Ennneagram 1 to be married to either an Enneagram 9 or an Enneagram 2: both of which are the numbers next to them.

These patterns exist in friendships as well: We naturally gravitate towards people who “get us”, though they are not just like us.

With all that being said, your kids may not conveniently happen to be your “Enneagram neighbor” or in your growth/stress path. That means it requires extra effort to understand them.

Or as I said earlier, you have to learn to appreciate all the quirks of your family members… as they have to learn to deal with yours.

I would theorize that this is why it is pretty common for employers, churches, and community groups to proclaim, “We’re all like a big family here!”

Translation: We didn’t necessarily choose each other individually, but we have figured out how to work with each other’s strengths and how to work around each other’s weaknesses.

It was only a year ago that I was finally able to be honest with myself, after hearing constantly unanimous feedback from family, friends, and coworkers who truly know me in real life… that my Enneagram number is 8… also known as “the challenger”.

If you Google, “Which Enneagram is the hardest to live with?”, my number immediately is the one that comes up. I finally owned up to it and made it official at my wife’s work party where they featured a customizable hat bar. I borrowed the words of Taylor Swift for my hat:

“It’s me. Hi! I’m the problem. It’s me!”

So the next time you become accutely aware of another person’s quirks, just ask yourself, “Uh oh… what quirks of mine do other people have to deal with?”

I am the exception. I am perfectly normal in every way… obviously!

 

 

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I Love You So Much That It Hurts

I can’t speak for most men, but there are certain emotions I really only feel thanks to my relationship with my wife and my kids.

Time is constantly passing and the future is never guaranteed. There’s both joy and sadness in watching my kids grow up a little bit more each day. There’s both joy and sadness in knowing I love my wife to the point I made a pact to grow old together with her, yet one of us is undeniably going to outlive the other.

Life is a gift and time is all we have. I love my wife and my kids so much that it hurts.

But… aside from these thoughts, my brain is not wired to think outside of a certain operating system.

Something I have learned this year after jokingly making my New Year’s Resolution to “be more vulnerable and connected to my emotions”, is that as a man, I mainly only operate using a few select emotions:

Joy, passion, creativity, assertiveness, and “chill”.

Accordingly, my subconscious directs me away from expressing or even feeling any of the vulnerable emotions like shame, fear and anxiety. Otherwise, I would take it as a personal attack that I am “associating myself with weakness”.

This year I had to come to terms with the fact that my personality is much more intense than most people’s. But after enough family members, friends, and coworkers all were describing me the same way, I began to accept that the way I operate is not necessarily the norm.

It has only been the past couple of months I have allowed myself to be “vulnerable” enough to embrace that I am the Challenger; known as Enneagram 8.

Or in Myers-Briggs, an ESTP.

Yes, I’m friendly. But I’m not a “nice guy”.

Yes, I’m a very social person. But I have strong personal boundaries.

No, I do not want to carpool with you. I want to leave when I want to leave.

No, we’re not going to split the check. I’m going to tell the waiter up front that these are on separate checks.

And while I do care to a certain extent that people like me, I am acutely aware that if everyone likes me, it’s probably a sign that I am doing something wrong- because I live by the fact that “you can’t make everyone happy”.

That’s what it’s like inside my head. Therefore, I am naturally surrounded by people who depend on me to be that strong personality for them.

To be clear, I don’t necessarily want to be in charge. Officially, I never hold that title. Instead, people often treat me like I am… so, I am.

Basically, I’m the official “no” guy. When others need a decision to be made, I’m the one who makes it okay to say no. I’ll make the call for them if they need me to.

In my experience, the person who says no typically is the person with the power. And if that’s me, I’m okay with it.

I now understand that I am fundamentally driven by the desire to have a sense of power and control- in other words, to never put myself in a vulnerable situation. To be “untouchable” and above reproach.

So while I myself may not have the capacity to easily access and feel certain emotions on my own, I am tethered to people I love who are able to show me what those emotions look like.

I am able to feel these vulnerable emotions, perhaps vicariously. In a way, my love for my wife and my children help me to experience life from more of a full “human” perspective.

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Who is an Example of a “Healthy” Enneagram 8? Me, Actually.

Continued from yesterday’s cliffhanger here…

As I explained earlier, I discovered I live with an interesting condition where I subconsciously avoid feeling any of the “vulnerable emotions”, like sadness, fear, and embarrassment.

Something in particular that I don’t fear? I don’t fear being wrong. Because if I did… boy, would I feel silly right now. Or would I? Since I don’t seem to ever “feel” embarrassed… even if I should.

It is no secret I am certified in Enneagram. It is no secret I have published a book about men understanding themselves better through Enneagram, which anyone can easily purchase on Amazon.

And it is also no secret that I have publicly identified as an Enneagram 9 Wing 8.

But after my (joke of a) New Year’s Resolution to “be more vulnerable and more in touch with my emotions”, only to discover I am largely driven by the emotions of joy and anger and that it is my instinct to resist any association of being vulnerable…

It’s all there, black and white, clear as crystal… on the website for The Enneagram Institute:

“Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable.”

If you’re familiar with the 9 different Enneagram personalities, then you know that Enneagram 8 has a certain reputation of being… well, an “eight-hole”.

Or if you’re looking for a more church-friendly term, we could say “bull headed”, “bossy”, or “control freak”.

Enneagram 8 is the Challenger, the Boss, and the Protector.

The plot twist: I subconsciously attempted to be any Enneagram number except the one that I actually was, because I fundamentally didn’t want to be associated with having a “challenging” personality.

I am not Enneagram 9 Wing 8. I am the inverse: Enneagram 8 Wing 9.

(Nine was such a likeable number, though. The Peacemaker? Oh well, I tried.)

I have been asked several times about how a person’s Enneagram number might be affected by the environment they are raised in: nature vs. nurture. I would say I am an interesting example of how nurture can heavily influence nature, as it relates to Enneagram.

If you have ever been around my parents, you know that they are mild-mannered. They identify as introverts. I was the first born child in the family. I carried with me this idea from childhood- even now I can still hear my mom’s voice from the early 1980’s: “You’re Mommy’s good little boy.”

I maintained this simple idea as part of my identity throughout my teenage years, college years, and adulthood: to be a good boy… and eventually a good man.

While I certainly consider myself to be “good”, as well as friendly and personable, I would never want to be known as a “nice guy”. Because the way my brain works, nice equals weak.

On the inside, I have always been driven by this strong sense of recognizing when something was wrong and being motivated to get involved to correct it and make it right.

This means, at times, being uncomfortably direct or confrontational; in other words, initiating conflict instead of avoiding it.

I think the “nurture” side of me has always been strong enough to redirect my energy, causing me to be a more tamed version of a typical Enneagram 8.

(As a reference, on the “not so tame” end of the Enneagram 8 spectrum, we find Fidel Castro, Saddam Hussein, and Benito Mussolini.)

The “nurture side” of my upbringing led to my dominant wing being a 9 (seeking harmony and peace) and my subtype being “social”; which is the countertype of an Enneagram 8. I am the specific variation of an Enneagram that can resemble an Enneagram 9, or even an Enneagram 2.

Another clue to me actually being an Enneagram 8 is when I go into “stress mode”. What tends to trigger this is when I am in a room where I feel I have no control-  or when I feel I have taken too much control of the room and I realize it:

I shut down. I go silent. I leave the room. I disappear.

In this way, I resemble an Enneagram 5, the most socially reserved.

But since rebooting my life with my family here in Alabama where the culture is much calmer and “chaos as the norm” is now a distant memory, and considering how far along I am in life at age 43, I would consider myself a “healthy 8” at this point.

That implies that while I am definitely always at least “low key intense”, I become the best version of myself when I empower others; which is how I am finding I am choosing to spend a decent amount of free time these days.

I wanted to be the token Paul Rudd; the easy-going guy who gets eventually annoyed but still goes along with what the group wants to keep the peace. And sometimes, I could easily pass as that Enneagram 9.

But the reality is, the actual me has a stage presence much more similar to Robert DeNiro, Joe Rogan, Tom Hardy, Sean Penn, or Johnny Cash:

Enneagram 8 Wing 9, also known as “The Bear”, or “The Mob Boss”.

Back in high school, my senior year in 1999 I was voted “One and Only”. My entire life I have known I am different compared to the average person. How could I not be? Enneagram 8s are the official challengers of all the numbers.

Also my senior year, I casually auditioned for the senior play and was immediately cast as the comic relief/minor villain, “The Wolf”. It’s undeniably the energy of an Enneagram 8 on display. But was I really even acting?

Like Frank Sinatra, one of the most famous Enneagram 8 Wing 9s famously sang, “I did it my way.”

I guess it all goes back to my need for control. Here’s a perfect example: Years ago, I worked in an office where “Casual Fridays” were allowed.

To mock the arbitrary concept of only being allowed to wear jeans on Friday, but not Monday through Thursday, I started “Hawaiian Shirt Thursdays”. I even hung up flyers in the bathrooms to promote the perfect transition to Casual Friday.

A Hawaiian shirt is a button down shirt with a collar, so it didn’t violate the dress code for Thursdays. About a month into it, I had at least a dozen coworkers joining me each Wednesday for the event.

I “challenged” the dress code. Regardless of an official title, I acted like a boss- and people followed me; even if it was all in the name of fun.

So if only “eight-holes” come to mind when you think of Enneagram 8s, hopefully I have now “challenged” you to see us 8s in a new light.

Who knows? Maybe you’re an 8. Or maybe you’re married to an 8.

My wife is married to an 8. I almost feel bad for her. But as I was unpacking my true number, she was “helping” me realize hers:

She’s a 2, the Helper. Makes sense I would need her help.

So what about you? Do you think you might know an Enneagram 8 in your life?

I am curious. Tell me more!

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Dear Jack: Showing Enneagram 4 Vibes by Staring Out the Window

14 years, 1 month.

Dear Jack,

Last Sunday afternoon as it was raining, I was in my room working on writing some new songs. When I finally took a break, I happened to walk out into the living room and catch a glimpse of you and Mommy in a genuine, authentic moment:

The two of you were sitting next to each other, not saying a word, staring out the window.

Fortunately, I was able to sneak a photo of that exact uninterrupted scene. The meme of Kermit the Frog comes to mind.

I then broke the silence by laughing at loud.

It served as a funny reminder to me that I am the only person in our household who doesn’t have an Enneagram 4 associated with my personality.

You are an Enneagram 5 with a dominant 4 wing, while Mommy is an Enneagram 3 with a dominant 4 wing. And as for your sister, she is an Enneagram 2 who morphs into an Enneagram 4 when she is happy.

Enneagram 4s are known for being the most aware of their emotions. In other words, they are the type most likely to get caught up in staring out the window on a rainy day.

So by default, that means that I win the award for “Least Emotional” in our house. And I’m pretty sure that is no surprise to anyone.

Love,

Daddy

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ENFJ, Self-Preservation Enneagram 9 Wing 8: I Am Officially a Fun Guy!

Fact: I am officially a fun guy. Specifically, I am a friendly, sociable extrovert. It took the events of 2024 in order for me to understand this.

It becomes common at the end of a year for people to say, “I can’t wait to see what exciting new things next year has in store!”

Well, here I am at the end of a year and I can very clearly express what 2024 had in store for me. This would be the year that I finally mapped out the rules of what defines the word “fun” for me, and therefore, what actually allows me to experience the concept of happiness.

Moving from the heavily (over)populated Nashville area of over a million people halfway through this year, to the less than 15,000 population Appalachian mountain town in Alabama we have now lived the second half of the year in, I have a clear understanding of why I am happy and loving life again.

Because my definition of fun explicitly involves the following:

A) Not being in traffic or in big, chaotic crowds.

B) Not having to pay to park or to pay an admission to get in.

C) Not having to wait in a long line.

D) Not having to “run around” or “be busy”.

E) Being able to spend quality time with people.

It’s funny how quickly my perspective of life changed after we moved to Alabama and we got all of the house renovations completed:

I could finally chill out. Because where I live in Alabama, my rules for having fun and being happy easily apply. Whereas in Nashville, they rarely did.

It is true I am indeed a fun and extroverted person, but I naturally become the opposite (stoic and introverted) when I have to be in traffic or chaotic crowds, when I have to pay to park or pay an admission to get in, when I have to wait in a long line, when I feel like I am having to run around or be busy, or when I am not able to spend quality time with people.

Our family’s most successful vacation ever, this past summer to Oregon, helped reinforce that my “rules for fun” not only ensured that I was operating in my default extroverted personality, but it also meant my family had more fun as individuals and collectively too.

As a ENFJ, self-preservation Enneagram 9 Wing 8, I instinctively seek experiences where I can be challenged in some way, while still feeling comfortable in the process. That is one of my gifts I offer to those around me: To create and maintain an environment where everyone feels comfortable, challenged, and valued.

In a good way, I feel this pressure to ensure that we are all collectively having a good time.

I think back to the motto my wife and I curated this year:

“Give life meaning and creative beautiful experiences.”

Moving here to Alabama and living a “quiet life” has now made it remarkably easier for me to be my true extroverted self; who is creative, fun, and happy to be around.

That is the world I live in now.

So yeah, I’m a big fan of 2024.