Dear Holly: You are Trying So Hard to Have Legitimate Conversations But…

2 and a half years old.

Dear Holly,

Last Sunday while you were playing with your brother’s toys in his bedroom while Mommy sorted out his closet, you took it upon yourself to create a story line.

You swung your purse over your shoulder then grabbed your brother’s poop emoji stuffed animal, then enthusiastically yet routinely announced, “Hey Poop, want to go to church?… Yeah?… Okay, let’s go!”

From there, you pretended to load up Poop in the car for the ride to church.

And yesterday as I was driving you to school, I said, “Look Holly! Those men are putting a new roof on that house!”

Seeing the apparent fun of being able to walk on top of a house, you proclaimed, “I want to walk on the roof for my Christmas.”

In your mind, these scenarios are completely realistic.

That’s good enough for me.

Love,

Daddy

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Dear Holly: You Wore a Poop Emoji Band-Aid On Your Forehead to Church, While Your Parents Never Questioned It

2 years, 3 months.

Dear Holly,

The funniest part of this story is that it wasn’t until Mommy was making dinner last Sunday evening, around 5:30, that I even bothered bringing it up:

“So Holly’s been wearing a poop emoji Band-Aid on her forehead since I woke up this morning. We went to church, and then went to the doughnut shop, and the rest of the afternoon has now passed. Up until this point we haven’t talked about it.”

Mommy’s answer was everything I knew it would be. It was the explanation I didn’t need, since I already knew the answer because I know you that well. It was the very reason I never mentioned it all day:

“Yeah, Holly saw that I bought new Band-Aids and she wanted one on her forehead- so I let her. It wasn’t worth the fight.”

Needless to say, you’re going through that “wears Band-Aids excessively and unnecessarily” stage.

Earlier last week, I came downstairs from vacuuming, and you had two on each arm and two on each leg. You looked up at me in an attempt to earn all my sympathy:

“Daddy, I got boo-boos!”

You were the equivalent of a cartoon kitten who went skateboarding for the first time.

To you right now, Band-Aids are a fashion accessory. But you are also able to understand that in order to somewhat justify wasting them, you have to write a loose narrative as to why you’ve earned the right to wear the Band-Aids.

But you know good and well I’ll immediately settle for, “Daddy, I got boo-boos!”

Like Mommy said, it’s just not worth the fight.

In your psychological and social development right now, this is important to you.

Not to mention, I can’t deny it’s giving me access to being able to take some pretty funny and eventually embarrassing pictures of you these days.

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack: You Chose “Poop” as Your Theme for Dress Up Day at School… and Totally Got Away with It!

7 years, 5 months.

Dear Jack,

Last Friday your class unlocked a special day at school due to your collective good behavior. Your whole class got to participate in “Dress Up Day”, meaning you could have worn pajamas or a hat, or something a little out of the ordinary like that.

As I got you ready for the bus last Friday morning, I saw that on your own, you decided to adopt the theme of “poop” for your special day with your friends.

You pulled out your poop emoji hat from your closet, the one you bought from a street vendor; as a souvenir at the Monster Jam truck show in Nashville last year.

Then you found the “pooping moose” key chain I got you as a souvenir several years ago when GM flew me up to Detroit.

It was clear: You saw “Dress Up Day” as the perfect subtle opportunity to promote poop awareness at school.

Just like the week before when you took it upon yourself to craft a real cobra head necklace to wear to school, you had used your own creativity once again; and never needed to ask Mommy or me what you should wear for this special event.

As I hugged you goodbye right before you hopped on the bus, I thought to myself, “Is there a chance he’s going to be sent home for wearing this to school? Or best case scenario, will he have to take off the hat and necklace as soon as his teacher sees what he’s wearing?”

Fortunately, that was not the case at all.

When you got home that day from school, one of my first questions for you was, “So what did your teacher think of what you wore for Dress Up Day?”

You smiled and announced to me, “She told me she liked it.”

Okay, then. Well, that’s that.

You went to school wearing a poop emoji hat and a pooping moose necklace and it was no big deal.

Good for you. You’re a creative kid!

Love,

Daddy

 

Dear Jack: You Bought a Poop Emoji Hat… and You’re Very Proud of It!

6 years.

Dear Jack: You Bought a Poop Emoji Hat… and You’re Very Proud of It!

Dear Jack,

For your birthday, you had been planning to spend some of your $100 shopping spree money at Opry Mills Mall on a poop emoji stuffed animal you saw at a candy store; of all places. But once we arrived, the poop emoji doll was gone. You ended up buying a holiday-themed big-eyed animal instead.

But I figured it was just a matter of time before you would find a poop emoji to purchase…

This past weekend as we were waiting at the crosswalk to reach the Bridgestone Arena where the circus was taking place, a street vendor selling “the same stuff as inside” happened to also randomly have a poop emoji hat, in the likeness of a stuffed animal.

Mommy suggested you wait until after the circus was over before you decided how to spend your remaining $11 from your birthday money; to make sure there wasn’t anything you’d want more once you got inside to the circus.

Dear Jack: You Bought a Poop Emoji Hat… and You’re Very Proud of It!

I could tell for the last 20 minutes of the circus that you were distracted: You just wanted to get back to the street vendor to buy that poop emoji hat; assuming there was still one left.

The nice vendor man smiled and said, “That’ll be $15.”

We thought it was only $10 because earlier we had heard him name the prices of the light-up toys.

He saw that you had 11 one-dollar bills as you looked down into you vinyl skateboard-themed wallet.

“Oh, you’re using your own money? I’ll give it to you for $11 then.”

Needless to say, Poopy (as you’ve named it) has been a main character in your world since last Saturday. Poopy goes with you everywhere in the car and sleeps with you in the bed each night.

Dear Jack: You Bought a Poop Emoji Hat… and You’re Very Proud of It!

Not to mention, Poopy has made an appearance in your artwork at school. Not only did you do a profile picture of Poopy, but you also drew one of your classmates- with Poopy instead of the girl’s actual head.

Dear Jack: You Bought a Poop Emoji Hat… and You’re Very Proud of It!

She apparently liked your work. I’m almost surprised you didn’t tell me that other friends at school requested you to draw them with Poopy heads as well!

Love,

Daddy