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Funny Prayers: A Hedge of Protection and Traveling Mercies

Certain things I consistently pray for and receive. These are usually the things I take for granted, like travelling safely on a road trip. I often forget to thank God once I get back home safely. When I do finally remember, I often laugh because it reminds me of two hilarious cliché catch phrases that have shown up and become popular, especially in the last decade in modern Christian vocabulary. It goes something like this:

“Lord, we just pray that You will put a hedge of protection around us and bless us with traveling mercies…”

 

Hedge of protection and traveling mercies. Honkin’ hilarious.

When I think of the word “hedge”, I think of either a perfectly trimmed row of bushes in a yard or Marge Simpson’s hairdo. So why pray for a hedge? Wouldn’t a stone wall with barbed wire be a lot more efficient here? Who was the person that thought that a hedge would be a good thing to protect someone with? Throw him into a tank of sharks surrounded by a hedge and see if he changes his mind.

And traveling mercies. Sounds like a silvery pixie paste a person would have to spread over their body to make them invisible. Or candy. Like the Christian version of Reese’s Pieces.

 

Here is the way we shall pray for safe travel:

“Lord, we pray that You will surround us with an army of angels wearing laser shooting body armor while holding a chainsaw in one hand and a machine gun in the other, all while riding pterodactyls.”

Amen.

 

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Manspeak, Volume 1: Humor

It was April 2002 when I first learned/realized that humor is an expected male trait. My sister and I went to this $5 concert some new young musician guy was doing in Birmingham, AL. Supposedly he was about to make it huge and this show was to thank the local radio station for being the first to play his songs. It was none other than the pre-Jessica Simpson, pre-Jennifer Anniston, pre-tattoo sleeved John Mayer.

For months following the concert, I was unable and unwilling to remove his No Room for Squares album from my CD player. I picked up on the fact this 24 year-old kid swam in something I could relate to, and it wasn’t just our shared love of the year 1983. He spoke my language. The third track, “My Stupid Mouth”, had a line that said, “I just want to be liked, just want to be funny, looks like the joke’s on me”. That’s when I realized that I was not alone in that I felt responsible for having to be funny, because I am a guy.

While no doubt there are countless social expectations from the female gender, one that is not important and vital is humor. That’s a guy thing. Compared to the overwhelming number of male comedians, it’s more difficult to find successful female comedians. The ones I can think of right off, are not the norm for what is considered feminine: Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O’Donnell, Wanda Sykes, and Roseanne Barr.

I’m a personal fan of Ellen. I watched her talk show every day my senior year of college. She’s like one of the guys. And I think that’s why I relate to her so much.

The big exception to this “guys have to be the funny one” rule of comedy is Friends. Three men, three women, and they’re all funny. The show was co-written by a man and a woman. That 50/50 designation of both the actors and writers was part of the massive success of the show. Both men and women could relate to the humor and the characters. Even Seinfeld had a 3 to 1 ratio of male to female actors. Friends broke the mold.

Yes, attractive and feminine women can definitely be funny: Anna Faris, Tina Fey, Cameron Diaz, and Chelsea Handler. But I still see a tom-boyish quality about them. Where it at least seems like they grew up with all brothers. And for every one exception, there are five Seth Rogen’s, three Jon Stewart’s, and four Adam Sandler’s.

Men are expected to be funny, at least in some degree. Even Ben Stein, as dry and drab as he is, is still hilarious. (“Bueller? Bueller? Anyone? Anyone?”) And the Terminator in his violent mission of destruction, right before he returns to the police station by running a squad car through the glass doors and blows away all those in his path, declares, “I’ll be back”. That, is funny.

While this may put extra pressure on a guy, there is a trade-off. Guys don’t have to find the perfect pair of shoes to match every “cute outfit” they own. Or give birth.

“If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.” –Marilyn Monroe

All pictures with the “JHP” logo were taken by Joe Hendricks Photography:

Blog- www.photojoeblog.com

Website- www.joehendricks.com

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The Realistic Fear of Being Awkward in Public

 

Growing up in a relatively small Baptist church, I know that overwhelming feeling of awkwardness I would get during at least one Sunday a month when the “special music” (the solo) is sung by someone who causes a deacon to utter “bless ‘em Lord” instead of “Amen!”. The kind of soloist that makes you look around for Simon Cowell to save the day. The kind of song that has a weird flute solo after the 2nd verse, and painfully ends with nothing but music for a full minute after the singing part is finished, leaving the soloist to either engage in a staring contest with the congregation or recite a somewhat related Bible verse to fill the gap.

 

I think I was scarred psychologically from it. My hands would always start shaking and my sister would have to whisper/shout for me to stop before I realized I was beginning to make a scene. It is very, very difficult for me to deal with situations like that.  Recently watching Clint Black auctioning jewelry on The Apprentice on Sunday gave me a fresh image of this kind of awfulness.

Maybe I’m just too empathetic. Maybe more than the average person, I too easily put myself in other people’s shoes. Maybe the reason this situation makes me so nervous is that I have a hidden fear of being in front of people with nothing to say or do. Many people have this nightmare that they are naked in public. But it’s the fear of public awkwardness that terrifies me.

 

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I’m Only a Dog Person Around Smart Dogs Like Labs, Border Collies, and Shelties

Most dogs hate me.  For the most part.

In college, the next door neighbor had a Weimaraner that had that “I want to kill/eat you” look in his eyes every time he saw me on his daily walk. Finally, one crisp March morning his owner’s girlfriend was walking him and he saw his chance. Charging towards me with all his might, he broke free of the leash and took a bite out of crime (my butt).

 

I am blessed to be married to a woman that makes sure we live a healthy lifestyle with low fat, organic foods and daily exercise (the last time she went to McDonald’s was in 1999 and it was just to get an ice cream cone from the drive-thru.) A few weeks ago we were on our daily after-dinner walk around the neighborhood when a man walking a Yorkshire Terrier was coming toward us. The first thought when you see a Yorkie is about how “cute” and harmless it is.

Not this one. Bit me hard. Enough for me to yell, “Owww!” The owner didn’t say or do anything other than shrug his shoulders as if to say, “What did you expect? You are despised by the dog world.”

I have been often told that it may be my “fear of dogs” that make them aggressive towards me. If only that were the case. Instead, I am indifferent towards most dogs. At least towards the ones that aren’t cool.

 

Notably, there have been a few select breeds that particularly have taken a liking to me (and that I like back). Labs, poodles, border collies, and my personal favorite, shelties. Through a little research I learned that these dogs are among the top 7 most intelligent breeds in the world. Coincidence?

Let me close by cursing my enemies: How’s it feel to be a measly #21, Mr. Weimaraner? And Dalmatians, you seein’ spots down there at #39? Oh, and Chow Chows, I’m sorry to hear you’re at #76. Yorkie, is it true? You didn’t even make the top 80 list? Maybe next year, eh?

Check it here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Intelligence_of_Dogs_(book)#Brightest_Dogs

 

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Stuck in Back in Time Like Ned Flanders, Dwight Schrute, and Austin Powers

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt…

Like a good bottle of Pepsi Clear or a box of Pop-Tart Minis, every person has an expiration date. Of culture, that is. There comes a certain year in a person’s life where they no longer continue moving forward concerning the way they dress, wear their hair, speak, and use technology. I’m not talking about a 16 year old kid who buys all his clothes at Goodwill, proudly showing off his 1985 Huey Lewis & the News t-shirt, and fashions his hairstyle after Ashton Kutcher in “Dude, Where’s My Car?”. Being retro on purpose doesn’t count.

For me it’s most obvious when I’m at Wal-Mart and the cashier lady’s hairdo consists of teased bangs brushed back into a permed Brillo pad of a mullet: 1984.

Or the retired farmer who is still wearing his Dwight Schrute style glasses and refuses to use a cell phone or the Internet: 1979.

 

Sometimes it’s less obvious- maybe that co-worker with a thick goatee, wearing a cell phone belt clip, still saying quotes from Austin Powers like “Yeah, baby, yeah!”, and whose cell phone ringtone is “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed: 2000.

This concept became obvious to me when I was accompanying my wife as she shopped for clothes on a Saturday afternoon. I walked into a Van Heusen outlet and realized that while they did have some good deals, if I actually attempted to buy anything from the store, my wife probably wouldn’t let me wear it. Why? Because everything available in a Van Heusen store is designed for men who are stuck in 1994.

 

It amazed me that a whole company would purposely make outdated clothes. But the executives at that company know their audience. If these outdated clothing stores suddenly stopped making pleated light khaki pants, their abandoned customers would just pledge their allegiance to another outdated store instead. Customers who still say “been there, done that, got the t-shirt”. And the t-shirt they are referring to is a Big Dogs shirt with the quote “If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay off the porch!” Yes, because that’s still cool.

Even though I am well aware that every person at some point in their lifetime freezes in the culture of a certain year, my awareness does not exclude me from the inevitable. I admit that whether it’s when I start having kids, or maybe not until I retire, still I will definitely get stuck one year, not even realizing it until it’s too late and I’m either too stubborn or apathetic to change.