existential crisis

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Look No Further

 

I can’t think of anything I want. I can’t think of anything I need. I can’t think of what would make my life complete that I don’t have already here in front of me. And I look no further.

That is the point I have reached in life. To be fair, it’s more than a simply accurate assessment of my life, that I suddenly have an awareness of. Just as important, it is an acknowledgement of an arrival to a destination; decades into a journey.

The first four decades of my life were mainly punctuated by questions marks:

“What will it be like when I’m not a kid anymore? Where will I go to college? What should I major in? Where should I move after college? What will my actual career be? Who will I marry? How do I be a good husband? How do I be a good father? What is the meaning of life, anyway?”

But now, my life is punctuated with periods. I don’t really have any questions anymore. And the questions I do have about life… well, no human can honestly know the answer to.

I am not famous. I am not a millionaire. Yet I have more than so many famous millionaires do. If for no other reason, simply because I am not under the belief I that I need to finish the sentence:

“I’ll be happy when…”

Instead, I recognize that if I can’t be happy in the present, I can never truly be happy in the future.

It makes me think of a movie that my wife and I watch at least once every year: This is 40.

Paul Rudd’s wife’s character sets up the premise of the movie as she explains to him:

“The happiest period in people’s lives is from age 40 to 60… So this is it. We’re in it right now. We have everything we need right now to be completely happy. We’re gonna blink and be 90. So let’s just choose to be happy.”

I also am thinking of Jewish comedian Marc Maron as he explains his understanding of Christianity, in his HBO special, From Bleak to Dark:

“Everything will be amazing… when you’re dead.”

I can appreciate his perspective. Perhaps there is too much emphasis on all of our problems going away when either A) Jesus saves us from all of our annoying problems by showing up in the Rapture, or B) we ideally die in our sleep and get to live in the eternal bliss of Heaven.

While I have definitely placed in my faith in the Christian hope that there is a much better life after this one, I have also challenged my belief system by asking myself the question:

“But what if this is all there is?”

In the event that I just die and that’s it… no further consciousness nor accountability, no memories of this life nor connection to the people I knew in it… I would certainly consider that to be a confusing, cosmic tragedy- that life was nothing more grandiose.

But if that were indeed the case, the question becomes this:

“What about my life would change right now, as I am still alive? What would I do differently?”

My answer: Nothing.

As sad of a thought it would be to never see my loved ones again, the greater sorrow would be to live this gift of a human life on Earth while not making the most of every moment and not appreciating what I do have with the people I share it with.

I think of how my daughter has a microwavable baby doll that she places in our bed to keep safe while she is away at school during the day: “Daddy, Gracie is basically a real baby.” I love it.

I think of how my wife and I set up a reservation for Valentine’s Day last week at a fancy restaurant with an amazing view off the side of Lookout Mountain… but then it was so foggy we were not able to even see anything anyway. I love it.

I think of how this past Sunday I walked into the living room to see my son wearing a monkey jumpsuit while throwing his sister onto a giant beanbag. I love it.

I think of how every morning before work and school, I see my wife and daughter having “coffee time” before the day begins. I love it.

But what I can’t think of…

I can’t think of what would make my life complete that I don’t have already here in front of me.

And I look no further.

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Songs I Wrote in 2023: “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs” – 9th of 13

I am of the small minority of the people who have ever lived in the entire history of the world to actually reach the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid. Not to mention, I got here despite not being extremely wealthy or famous.

Therefore, it is difficult for others to relate to me in my existential crisis that I have been working through for the past several years.

Writing this song helped me at least to better understand what I have been feeling:

Halfway through my life is when I realized I did everything I wanted to do – But I am still alive – I still have so much time and clarity – Roaming the halls – I feel like I am lost in a maze – Somebody help me down from here – So I won’t be so lonely at the top of the pyramid – Like if Super Mario jumped over the flagpole and the game went on without any goals – No real obstacles – Nothing to run from – Nothing to run towards – Can I transcend myself? – Is that the next step? Do I move beyond self-actualization? Who can I teach from this? Who has a crisis where I can be of service?

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Dear Holly: Upgrading to a Big Bowl Now, Like the Rest of Our Family

7 years, 7 months.

Dear Holly,

I make every effort on my end to capture and document each little moment of you growing up. This week was when you decided it was time to upgrade from the smaller, plastic “kid friendly” bowl you have been using to eat from your entire life, to the regular ceramic bowls that the rest of our family eats from.

With you being our “baby”, I always perceive it as a delicate balance between encouraging you to become more independent and to still appreciate being young.

Part of the special connection you and I have is that I unashamedly am going through my official midlife/existential crisis, while you help remind me each day how to notice and enjoy the simple things.

Love,

Daddy

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“Tripping on Existence” – Song 2 – Enneagram 6 Songwriter – Analyzing Lyrics – Themes of Belonging and Security

In my 2nd song, we see an official embracing of the “counterphobic” aspect of my Enneagram 6 personality; identifying as a person who faces my fears, instead of running from them. Specifically, I am disassociating myself from the general population of people who I realized I no longer needed to give my time, energy, money, emotions, and attention to.

It was me officially and knowingly beginning my journey of emotional intelligence.

I recorded this song on October 28th, 2019. At that point in my life, both my salary and my wife’s had doubled; as we had both began working at different employers.

We had recently paid off all our debts and moved into a brand-new, bigger house in the perfect neighborhood. For the first time in my marriage and career, we were not in debt.

These events triggered an “existential crisis”, which I am still working through. Since then, I have felt like I suddenly climbed to the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid.

Granted, much of my identity will always be wrapped up in “love/belonging”. But ultimately, I have been living in the “self-actualization” phase for a few years now.

The lyrics of “Tripping on Existence” serve as a clear realization of my sudden introduction of my existential crisis- or as some would say, “mid-life crisis”:

“Hi, I don’t care, thanks – I unplugged from existence, at least the version from before – I switched of the breaker – I don’t care if I’m hated, or even worse ignored – I wish I was here – I’ve been gone too long, I’ve begun to disappear – I can’t relate – I’ve seen too much, this is my escape – The best way to explain this: I’m tripping on existence – A dream inside a dream – An alternate dimension – I guess that I should mention – You can borrow my spare key – I am phoning home – But years have passed, now the number’s changed – So what happens next? Expect a reboot, then get born again”

So looking back on this song I wrote nearly 4 years ago, can you see the Enneagram 6? Can you see my longing for security and confirmation of my own existence?

Feel free to leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

And now you can listen to the song, below, if you wish:

 

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Selfishly, I Admit, My Qualify of Life Has Improved Since COVID-19 Culture Began

I suppose it’s social media heresy in 2020 to admit this, but despite how weird the year has been for the entire world, my personal sense of well-being has undeniably improved since March, when the Powers That Be changed all the rules changed on how we are supposed to live our lives:

For me, it’s been more quality time with my family, an hour at the gym every morning instead of driving to work, and better efficiency at my job because I am not limited by the distractions of working in a real office… just to name the first obvious improvements that come to mind.

Yes, I recognize COVID-19 is a serious issue that has unfortunately taken the lives of thousands of people in the world this year; like heart disease, cancer, fatal accidents, diabetes, and suicide.

But I have refused to live in fear. Yes, I always wear a mask whenever I am required to. No, I never wear a mask when I am not required to.

I am one of those people who has a hunch that Covid will quietly fade away shortly after the upcoming Presidential election; this especially became apparent to me when public protests became popular during what seemed the most otherwise unlikeliest time. (No, I am not a Republican.)

This is a concept I wrote into one of the songs I wrote this year: “We all need therapy/Everything’s so tense/No hugs allowed anymore but it’s okay to protest…”

Just a few weeks into this pandemic, I was informed that I was being placed on furlough at my job, due to the government’s warnings about social distancing. While this news was disappointing, there was no interruption of cash flow, thanks to the unemployment checks that came seamlessly rolling in during those 6 weeks.

Back in January, we had already planned a vacation to Florida for July. We still took our trip and in no way did COVID-19 interrupt any of our planned activities.

Right after we got back from our vacation, I was able to start back to work again- but this time, exclusively working from home.

I work in Recruiting, which is like the sales division of HR. My job efficiency is very easy to track, as I have a certain minimum number of hires to make each month.

Since exclusively working from home, I have been able to easily exceed my monthly quota. Yes, I have put in more hours working from home than I would have at the office, but also haven’t had to deal with arbitrary stress of driving a total of nearly 2 hours to work each day.

Now, during the same time every morning when I would be driving to work (which inevitably created stress), I instead head to the gym for an hour (which relieves stress).

I am aware of the paradox in which the government, major news outlets, and much of social media tells me to fear COVID-19 and turn my life into a sanitarium; meanwhile, I see the same group of dozens of people at the gym every morning, six days a week.

No one at my gym wears a mask; nor ever has. None of us have ever shown symptoms of Covid. The only reason any of us don’t show up for a week at a time is to go on vacation.

My gym, in theory, is a perfect Petri dish; as is my daughter’s pre-school, which has remained open this entire time.

A couple of weeks ago, it was retroactively confirmed (with a valid medical test costing $80 per person) that multiple people whom my family interacted with back in May, had Covid at the time. We hugged these people, we shared meals with this people, and we were exposed in close living quarters with them for many days. None of us were wearing masks at any point.

I would suppose it would be miraculous if all 4 members of my family didn’t contract COVID-19, knowing that.

Most likely, we “had Covid” back in late May or early June. Indeed, I am very grateful that my family has the genes and immune system that allow us to be asymptomatic.

But even if, against the odds of science, I have not yet had Covid pass through my system, I still have no motivation to fear Covid.

I would rather enjoy the rest of my life, whether I have one more month left or 39 more years left, spending quality time with the people I love most.

And this has definitely been the year of quality time with family!

While I was on furlough from my job, I was able to spend the entire day with both of my kids; seven days a week.

Even when so much of the world was closed down, we took the Jeep out on dirt roads in no name towns.

I don’t fear Covid.

I have a more legitimate fear of randomly dying in my asleep every night when I lie down in bed each night.

Keep in my mind, I am a 39 year-old man who had a pre-existing existential crisis before all this happened. Really, if anything, Covid Culture has given me an even stronger sense of purpose and appreciation of life.

But, maybe I am nothing more than the exception to the rule.