I spent most of 2023 writing a book about Enneagram, which I plan to have published in early 2024. During the process, I ended up unpacking a lot of personal issues I have been carrying with me. Specifically, one of the things I learned is that I have a lifelong habit of being very critical of myself, while assuming that everyone else is just as critical of me… which is not actually the case.
In the opening chapter of my upcoming Enneagram book, I began my paraphrasing the lyrics of this song:
I keep beating myself up over all the stupid stuff I did and said – You probably don’t remember it but I’ve carried this with me – I didn’t forget, even if you did – I keep beating myself up – Too much is never enough – I’ve still got one foot in the doorway – You may have moved on but I guess I stayed – I didn’t forget, even if you did – I’m going on an apology tour – Gonna make things right from my former life – Going on an apology tour – Gonna tell you I’m sorry – Better late than never – I’ll be coming to your town – Gonna turn this thing around – I’ll be knocking at your door – Gonna settle this thing for sure – On my upcoming apology tour – What if the only evidence of my crime is locked away in my mind? Perhaps a tree has fallen in the forest and I’m the only one who heard it – I didn’t forget, even if you did – Would it make me a better person if I convinced you I learned my lesson? Would you be able to see I’m a different me than the one who lived in less humility? I didn’t forget, even if you did
You remind me a few times a week how tired you are of me talking about Enneagram. I can’t really apologize, though. After all, your dad just happens to be a certified Enneagram coach who is in the process of writing a book about Enneagram.
So naturally, that topic is going to come up a lot!
It took a lot of trial and error, based on multiple books, and little thanks to online tests.
But now I couldn’t be any more confident:
I am an Enneagram 9 Wing 1: Mediator leaning towards a Perfectionist.
Mommy is an Enneagram 8 Wing: Challenger leaning towards a Mediator.
Jack is an Enneagram 5 Wing 4: Investigator leaning towards an Individualist.
You are an Enneagram 2 Wing 3: Helper leaning towards an Achiever.
Over the course of this year, I wrote a total of 12 songs that I published on my YouTube channel. Not only is this the ideal number of songs, in my mind, for a complete album, but it also serves as a good representation of the year itself for me.
The lyrics I write for my songs are extremely important. I am always interested in realizing what I discover about myself, through the process of extracting each new song inside of me.
So I figured it would be an interesting idea to look back on the 12 songs I have written in 2022, so that we can see what my most recent year of self-discovery has taught me.
I didn’t record any songs during the first half of 2022, as I was diving deep into understanding my true Enneagram type. Once I finally figured out I am a Counterphobic 6 Wing 7, the song material easily presented itself.
In case you’re not familiar with the Enneagram personality types, I am a Type 6; which is focused on finding security through other people and by facing my fears. I invite you to search for these themes here in my songs.
Below are the lyrics to all 12 songs (the chorus is in bold font) along with the video of me performing each song:
1- “I Was Here”
I remember walking in the woods when I was young – I saw a tree, I took out a knife, and there I carved these words: “I was here” – I was here – Now I am a grown man, that was a lifetime time ago – But I’m still looking for a way to say that same phrase: “I was here” – I was here – I always need to feel something like I’m here with you now – Not gonna live like I’m lost when I know that I’m found – I am more than aware: “Life is short, make it count” – I’ll leave my mark on this word before I get out – So I can feel like I was here – So I can feel like I was here – I could have been born any year in any other place – I could have spoken a different language, completely difference face – But I am here, I am here – We so could have easily have never known each other – If I had a different father or a different mother – But I am here, I am here – I don’t need to take up much space – No, this won’t take too long – What I’ve learned in 41 years: “Be brief, be brilliant, be gone”
2 – “Ship’s Goin’ Down”
Ship’s goin’ down, I’m sinking with it – I’ll be underwater in under a minute – And I see no signs of a rescue – Make no mistake, I was more than committed – Had a chance to escape – And when I could, I didn’t – But I still don’t feel like a dumb fool – Ship’s goin’ down, I’m sinking with it– Ship’s goin’ down, I’m sinking with it – Waves crashed up over the deck but I showed no signs of fear – While everyone else was a wreck, my anxiety cleared – Warning signs were there all along but I didn’t mind being wrong – If anyone could overcome the sea, I knew it had to be me
3 – “The Overthinker”
I am the overthinker – A skeptic and a believer – Sometimes, an in-betweener – I am the overthinker – Hold on, let me analyze this – I am the reluctant leader – A loyalist and a people reader – Sometimes, a future seer – I am the overthinker – I am the stability seeker – Calm in a storm, a life lesson teacher – Sometimes, I just sit in the bleachers – I am the overthinker
4 – “An Honest Worship Song?”
Some days I feel like I’d make a good Doubting Thomas or the prophet Jonah – And I could relate when I’d hear the prodigal son had an older brother – Is this proof of my fear in God because I think I might actually be terrified? Is this proof I’m a chosen one because I can’t deny I’ve always felt this hope inside? Makes me wonder: Is something wrong, do I not belong? Makes me wonder: Would God want an honest worship song? I don’t raise my arms up – I keep my hands in my pockets – Why don’t I display stage presence yet I pray alone in my closet? Would God really want an honest worship song? Some days I feel like I’d make a better agnostic than I would a Christian – Got so many questions I feel like I can’t ask about my own religion – Is this proof of my pride just because I want to find all of these answers? Is this proof of my faith just because I care about what I think matters? Some days I’d make for a typical black sheep of the flock – The fact that I ask all this could mean I’m jaded but I am not lost
5 – “What If We Could See Beyond These Labels?”
You can wave your rainbow flag, identify the way you like – Adopt children Roe Vs. Wade could not reach – Or you can wave your Confederate flag, try to justify your Southern pride – Though to many it’s perceived as hateful and obscene – You don’t even know what I believe – My views are irrelevant the way I see it – Either way, it’s just the same to me: What if we could see beyond these labels? What if we would simply love our neighbors? What if we prayed for our enemies and we agreed to disagree? You can live as an atheist or bow to Allah to be blessed – Or think you’ll be reincarnated as a willow tree – You can trust in politics, red or blue, just see what sticks – Or worship overpaid athletes on a team
6 – “Matter”
The world never knew that I ever got here – Not a face in this crowd would notice if I disappeared – No need for me to look to the stars – To notice how small we really are – Why does it bother me that the world doesn’t need my help to turn around? Why does it bother me the universe without me in it wouldn’t be any worse? I’m here to give life meaning – I feel alive when you need me – I need to matter to you – I’m invisible to billions – But I don’t question my existence – If I matter to you – I’d be relieved to learn the Earth is flat – I’d be slightly more relevant in terms like that – But gravity’s got this hold on me – So I’m hanging on upside down, reluctantly – Am I more than just matter? Am I more than just matter? Am I more than just matter? Do I matter to you?
7 – “Sunflower”
There is comfort in the routine – There’s excitement in the unseen – I am your anchor, you are my wings – I am your rock, you are my sunflower – You are my sunflower – And the rain begins to fall, been awake for too long – Too much time to think about my life, so many ways it could go wrong – And the sky begins to clear, been asleep until now – Too many things to do while we are here, time is always running out
8 – “Room Full of Eyes on You”
You’ve got a room full of eyes on you right now – And you still haven’t figured it out – Room full of eyes on you right now – You stole the the show – No, there isn’t a doubt – I’m the great detective here by your side – It’s no surprise to Sherlock here when I find – You’ve got a room full of eyes on you right now – I’m never not watching people, can’t mind my own business – I’m so good at pointing out the person of interest – It’s obvious that character is you, the crowd agrees – I’ve got a front row seat to the irony – You’re unaware they all think you’re someone they have seen – In some Americana magazine – I suppose that’s the way this trade off works – If you could see how exceptional you truly look – Could your smile still be so innocent? I suppose that to look like you on the outside – The inside can’t afford to be tangled in pride- Because you’ve got a heart that’s so genuine
9 – “It’s Time to Start Another War!”
It’s time to start another war! Like the ones we did before – Who’s next on our hit list? Who’s calling who the terrorist? It’s time to start another war! We’ll need a motive we can all root for – Maybe out in Asia or the Middle East – Say we fight for freedom – We fight for peace – What we need is another Vietnam Nam – We don’t have to win if we just keeping running long – Let history repeat Afghanistan – For twenty years we occupied that land – Forgot we were still there – What we need is another foreign face – A different religion, a darker race – Post traumatic stress disorder in the making – Why help the world when instead we could be invading? We’re running a business here – Never forget – Never forget – Never forget – Never forget – We’re the good guys – The Lord’s on our side – We’re the heroes – We’re the heroes you should fear
10 – “Wi-Fi in My Coffin”
Book me a U-Haul to pull behind the hearse – I need my essentials when I’m buried in the dirt – Don’t forget my selfie stick for my podcast and Instagram – Got to get my followers the updates wherever I am – Give me Wi-Fi in my coffin – When I die, I still ain’t stoppin’ – I want a fancy casket: bells and whistles and gold – Then bury my money with me below – So much for FOMO, I don’t know what I’d do – If I were detached from all the action I’m plugged into – Make sure my funeral gets five star reviews – Include a salad bar and karaoke too – Maybe get some board games and even a water slide – I’m thinking a bounce house and of course we can’t forget pony rides – I just don’t like the feeling of being so weighed down – Got to keep things moving, that’s what I’m all about, you know – I’ve got places to go, I’ve got people to see – Don’t try to drag me down, man – Just keep this party flowing free
11- “End Up Somewhere Good”
I told ya I loved ya – Ya moved to Australia – That was a strange reaction – I told ya I’d still be waiting in Tennessee when you returned to me – It was a little bit crazy but I wouldn’t change things, not one bit – I never thought about how funny that was – That’s the story of what happened when we fell in love – The younger version of us knew what they were doing back then – We’re here together now because of what they did – We’re a little bit crazy but I wouldn’t change things, not one bit – Let’s run away, let’s run away – We’ll end up somewhere good – Let’s find a place, let’s find a place – We’ll end up somewhere good – End up somewhere good – Well I guess it worked out ’cause here I am now – Singin’ a song and it don’t sound sad – So I guess I’m gonna keep ya – Gonna keep ya around – Singin’ a song and it don’t sound bad – We’re a little bit crazy but I wouldn’t change things, not one bit – Look at what we did when we were just kids – Barely knew each other so we got married – Love was enough, only took a few months – Barely knew each other so we got married – We’re a little bit crazy but I wouldn’t change things, not one bit
12 – “Shadow Self”
I was kind to the world but not to myself – Like somehow I deserved less – Classic Stockholm Syndrome, both the captor and the victim – I’ve allowed myself to be released – My shadow self has been redeemed – Inside of me is inner peace – Can I finally feel complete? Like Saturn and its seven rings – It’s weird to hear your own voice – Is that the way I really sound to everyone else? It’s strange to see your own face – Is that the way I really look to everyone else? I used to be a scared little boy pretending not to be afraid – Convinced myself I was brave – My counterphobic tactic saved me for the past three decades – Fooled myself more than anyone – This is me saying how I feel at the end of another year – In my mind the smoke has cleared – The fear is disappearing
Thanks for taking the time to understand my view of the world! I would love to hear from you. Feel free to leave a comment!
While hanging out at Aunt Dana’s house for a couple of days during Thanksgiving Break, she sent me a photo of you making a silly face (the norm these days anytime someone takes a picture of you) and holding a boy doll with blue hair, wearing some unique clothing.
You explained to Aunt Dana that the Enneagram number of this doll would an Enneagram 4, because, “Yep, pretty much anytime someone has crazy colored hair, my dad says they are a 4”.
Very well done. You have definitely been paying attention. It was a year ago that I got my Enneagram Certification, so by default, you hear my assessing of people’s Enneagrams all the time.
You know that Enneagram 4s like to stand out in some way. Blue hair is definitely a way to do that!
Ever since becoming certified as an Enneagram coach last December, I have had trouble getting a solid reading on you.
But as of this past week, it become clear:
You are an Enneagram 3 (The Achiever) with a dominant wing 4 (The Individualist).
Mommy and I have never put pressure on you to do well in school… nor in Taekwondo, nor in building complicated Lego sets, nor helping us build furniture we order off the Internet!
Yet you constantly excel in everything you do. While Mommy and I aren’t putting this constant “pressure to succeed” on you… you do.
What convinced me was when you came home from school last week, so proud, for certifiably excelling in all your subjects at school, in last year’s standardized test.
As proud of you that Mommy and I assured you that we were of you, it was apparent you were even prouder!
But you’re not only focusing on succeeding in life, you also like to stand out; like how you recently helped purchase your own (expensive!) Nike shoes for the new school year.
For the past couple of years now, you have openly acknowledged your goal to own a Tesla. That is what you have your sights on!
And I am confident you have what it takes… with no help from Mommy or me on that.
I wanted to surprise you with a gift to make you feel special regarding your amazing test scores. So I snuck by Marshall’s and bought you a $100 Sean Jean watch that you had recently pointed out to me.
And it because it was from Marshall’s, I only paid $20.
Either way, you are undeniably smarter than me!
I have always known you are going to go far in life. And now I realize, it’s fundamentally your personality to achieve and to be a creative individual in the process!