Mommy and I bought your birthday and Christmas gifts months ahead of time. It’s funny because I had actually completely forgotten what your birthday gifts were, since they’ve been wrapped and in storage for so long.
So when you opened them a month ago on your 5th birthday, they were just as much as a surprise to me as they were to you.
While you truly loved your gifts, there was one dud; though fortunately, you didn’t really seem to notice. You were very excited to open it, as it was your first one we let you open:
Granted, I’m not good about figuring out how to put things together, but this kite barely come with any instructions; in addition to being quite complicated to begin with.
The instructions were very cryptic and minimal. (Without surprise, the kite was made in China.) Mommy and I spent an hour figuring out how to assemble the thing; and we barely got the job done.
On my own, I would have just given up and immediately thrown it in the garbage. Mommy’s help is what saved the kite from instant destruction.
Once we finally got the thing built, I had preconceived ideas on how it would fly: Amazing, but short-lived.
I was accurate in my prediction.
By the time I got the kite flying high enough for you to hold on to the string, it began self-destructing in the air.
Its life lasted about 2 minutes. You never got to fly it.
Fortunately, you were too distracted by running in the sand and waves to realize that I snuck in the kite into the garbage can.
Yes, it was the worst present you gave you for your birthday, but it fortunately was also the most forgettable; especially in a beach setting.
Being a dad, and working in a customer service department by day, for several years now, I feel I have taught myself the art of winning arguments.
I should point out, though, that winning an argument isn’t exactly what you might think. It’s not simply convincing the other person to agree with you and to officially admit they are wrong and you are right.
Because that would simply be superficial.
Instead, my definition of winning an arguments is this:
Establishing yourself as the leader of the current conflicted conversation and helping the two of your move forward together in the same positive direction.
With that being said, here are my 5 simple psychological steps to winning an argument:
1. Let the other person carry all the emotion, which in contrast, sets them up as the unstable, irrational person.
2. Do not rebuttal their claims. Instead, remain silent, look into their eyes, while not shaking your head “yes” or “no”, nor saying “mmm hmm” or “okay” to imply you agree or disagree, all while mentally collecting their most incriminating and accusatory statements against you, which will likely include them using illegitimate and impossible claims like “you always” and “you never”. Make sure you don’t smile, as smiling can be perceived as insincere and/or condescending.
3. Instead of you bringing up any offensive actions on their part which led to this confrontation, when they finish speaking, ask them to clarify statements only from the existing conversation, asking, “I just want to make sure I am hearing you correctly. Are you saying…?” Keep it in question format, which prevents your words from becoming a claim against them. Apologize for the confusion on your part if they disagree with the question you ask based on their statements.
4. State no opinions of your own. Speak only using undeniable facts as well as direct quotes that they used just minutes earlier in the conversation. Get them to agree with these facts and quotes, by asking, “I want to make sure we’re on the same page right now. Do we both agree that…?” Then state an undeniable fact or one of their quotes, not an opinion or claim; which helps back up your own point using statements they either already agree with or having at least stated already on their part. At this point they will likely begin back-peddling their claims against you as they begin to hear how extreme and emotional their earlier statements were.
5. Make it clear you want peace with them and want to bring positive closure to the incident. Apologize for offending/hurting their feelings by acknowledging exactly what you did their hurt them emotionally; which is often the actual issue; their own perception of an emotional attack. Ask them, “What can I do right now to work together with you to resolve this? I want to move forward together with you. What I can do differently on my part? I want to take responsibility here.” If they give you no answer, offer your own suggestion, beginning with, “I feel that maybe what I can do differently on my part is…” Then follow up with, “How do you feel about that approach?” Even if they at best indifferently agree to your proposed solution, finalize the deal by closing with, “I could definitely be wrong about the solution here, but based on our conversation today, it seems like the best option right now. We’ll try it- and if it doesn’t work after a few weeks, we’ll try a new approach.
By default, you have just won the argument. You have clearly and sincerely demonstrated that you have listened carefully without attacking them, using their own “ammunition” in a more proactive, positive, constructive way as you recognize it as something you yourself are willing to specifically and personally address and alter your own behavior accordingly.
From there, it makes it quite difficult for them to see you as an adversary, but instead, a stable and confident leader who is worth trusting. Even though you “won,” you have much responsibility to actually carry out the solution, in addition to having helped the other person mutually discover, understand, and agree to that solution with you.
Last night as we were finishing up dinner, you stated that you wanted to work on a paper hat for your stuffed Panda bear, Pandy.
I explained that you might not have enough time to really get started on that, as it soon would be time to go upstairs and get ready for bed.
Immediately, out of nowhere, you began crying, “But Pandy’s birthday is tomorrow!”
I had to turn my head to keep you from letting you see me laugh; Mommy too.
Somehow I had not been informed that Pandy’s birthday was coming up. Therefore, I gladly let you work on Pandy’s birthday party decorations. From there, you explained to me that also, Blue Cheetie’s birthday is on Kwanzaa, and Ellie’s is the day before, on Christmas day.
Shortly after, I learned that this week at your Pre-K, Rainbow Childcare Center, you have been learning all about the tradition religious and cultural holidays of this month.
You quickly explained to Mommy that Hannukah has 8 days of celebration and Kwanzaa has 7 days.
Obviously, you’ve been paying attention at school; so much so that you are incorporating it into your playtime at home.
Though apparently, none of your stuffed animals’ birthdays happen to be on Hannukah. I was really hoping to see you make a menorah out of paper. Maybe next year.
It’s such a coincidence that their birthdays all happen to be on special days like all these you learned about at school. But I suppose it’s similar to the way that your baby sister, Holly, is due right around my 35th birthday; on April 20th, 2016.
My favorite part of this story is that Pandy is turning 2 today, yet you’ve had her for over 4 years now. I guess in Panda years, a year takes twice as long.
Last weekend we met up with one of Mommy’s seven brothers and his family in Bryson City, North Carolina; where we boarded the Polar Express (from the the movie and book of the same title).
We turned in our golden tickets to get on the train and were shortly after given hot chocolate, before riding past Santa’s house and toy shop in the North Pole.
My personal favorite part was when Santa entered our train car, and out of your pocket you pulled some catalog clippings of items on your wish list, from the store Brilliant Sky.
I had no idea you had schemed this!
Forget the traditional wish list… you were all prepared with a full color ad of exactly what you wanted. You were ready and waiting for that exact moment and opportunity.
(Santa was actually unaware that one of those items was on your list, so it looks like Christmas shopping isn’t quite complete yet.
Every Christmas until now, your visit to Santa has been at the Bass Pro Shop in Nashville; during which you’ve been slightly intimidated to talk to him.
Not this time. You were all business.
Santa immediately tucked the catalog clippings into his pocket and reminded you, “Now be a good boy for me.”
You matter-of-factly agreed and then Santa was on his way to the kid in the sit next to you.
Despite the natural shakiness of the train, one of my pictures that turned out the best was the one of you with Santa.
Not only was this an amazing experience because you got to meet Santa this year, but also because it took place on a train.
What 5 year-old little boy doesn’t have an appreciation and/or fascination for trains?
You’ve already asked when we can ride the Polar Express again.
By turning one of your recent sonogram profiles sideways, I am able to catch a glimpse of what you might look like once you are born. I had done this with your brother Jack, and he turned out looking like what I would expect, sans the sandy colored hair and blue eyes.
I see how you look like Mommy already. Particularly, I see some French and Croatian in there from her genes.
However, Mommy and I do both believe you will have darker traits, unlike your brother Jack.
The “baby gifts” are starting to come in the mail from family members. So therefore, your bedroom is starting to fill up with clothing that will help compliment your assumed personality.
Jack picked out that doll as his gift from him to you.
Mommy and I predict you will be a feminine girl, not a tomboy. However, we don’t see you as a particularly sensitive or dainty little girl either.
Speaking of dolls, I saw this bunny doll today at Brilliant Sky and sent the picture to Mommy. We both instantly agreed that this style summarizes our thoughts regarding what you’ll be like:
As Mommy worded it yesterday, “Holly won’t be a princess, just like Jack isn’t a prince.”
Not that there’s anything wrong with adopting such romantic and royal concepts, I just suppose it’s not our family’s style or culture.
Sure, you’ll love baby dolls and tutus. But you’ll also have access to Jack’s exhaustive Thomas the Train and Hot Wheels collection.
Plus, I think my personal love for outdoors and adventure will guide you in becoming a fun little girl who is able to keep up with your brother and me.
Granted, you’ll also be exposed to all my quirky musical and video-making antics.
I am so excited to think about the fun little girl you will become.
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