Nostalgia

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My 2nd Stand Up Comedy Routine: “Name That Jew!” and Why Baby Boys are Literally Like Monsters

You say “narcissistic” like it’s a bad thing…

It was less than a week ago that I realized something both bloggers and stand up comedians have in common is that in order to be good at what they do, they have to be narcissistic.  When that happened, I realized A) I am narcissistic and B) I should fantasize about being a stand up comic.  I am narcissistic- no doubt about it. But that doesn’t mean that I think I’m better than anyone, because I can assure you that’s not the case.  I’m very aware of my shortcomings and faults.  It’s just that like any obsessive Twitter user, I am also very aware of myself and my own life.

So leave it to a self-proclaimed narcissist to not only publish their first stand up comedy routine, but now their second one today.  I’ve opened this can of Pandora’s box of ironic observations and now I don’t think I can stop.  I may have created a new blog series that you’ll eventually see at the top of this screen in big bold letters.  See, that may my friends, is what being narcissistic is truly all about. My apologies to those of you who have already read dad from day one: Mommy’s Little Monster, since that accounts for a decent amount of material here. Since delivery is a very important of actually being funny, note that for the duration of this post, when you see a set of ellipses points (like this…), that symbolizes the short and necessary pause for the audience to have a chance to laugh.

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, will you please give a warm welcome to Nick Shell!

[applause]

“Alright, thanks everybody.  So I guess some of you tonight were invited by a friend who when they told you about me said, ‘He’s a Christian comedian.  You know, he does clean comedy.’  For those of you who have never seen a ‘clean, Christian comedian’ you may be thinking, ‘Ah, great.  He’s just going to be doing fart jokes the whole time.’  But I promise you now: No fart jokes…  Oh, wait… unless that counts as one.

Have you ever met someone who constantly inserts trivial facts into everyday conversation?  Do you know somebody like that?  Well, now you do… because I’m one of those magically annoying people.

I keep waiting for a chance for my super powers to come in handy in a practical way. Really, I think the best thing that could happen is that I could be a guest on a game snow… like ‘Name That Jew!’ You’d have to be the first contestant to hit the buzzer and yell out the name of the Jewish actors or actresses in sitcoms. And it’s hosted by Alan Thicke.

Alan Thicke: In my own sitcom, Growing Pains, name that Jew!

I buzz in, instantly… ‘Jeremy Miller who played Ben Seaver!’

That is cor-rect…  Next, in the coming of age comedy/drama The Wonder Years, name that Jew!

(Again, I’m the first one buzzing in…)

‘Fred Savage who played Kevin Arnold, Jason Hervey who played Wayne Arnold, Josh Saviano who played Paul Pfeiffer- he was half Jewish, David Schwimmer who played Michael- Karen’s boyfriend and eventually her husband, Ben Stein who played Kevin’s science teacher Mr. Cantwell, and lastly, Daniel Stern who narrated the show as Kevin as an adult.’

Correct again…

(And with getting that question alone I’m like automatically promised to make it to the final round.  So I make it to the final question…)

In the #1 sitcom of the 1980’s, The Cosby Show, which featured an African-American family, name that Jew!

Of course, without hesitation, I buzz in right away: ‘Lisa Bonet, who was half-Jewish, played Denise Huxtable’

Alan Thicke: Congratulations! You have won!  You and guest will be enjoying a wonderful 6 day, 7 night stay in the legendary city of Jerusalem, Israel where you will enjoy a complimentary gourmet kosher breakfast each morning…

Yeah, so I think that scenario is the best it could ever get for me being able to utilize my useless information.  Until then, I’ll just keep walking around like Rain Man: Got to watch Full House… Full House comes on at 6 o’clock, got to watch Full House… Bob Saget, Bob Saget… who played Danny Tanner, he’s Jewish… Danny Tanner was Jewish… Got to watch Full House at 6 o’clock…

So, let’s see, what’s new in my life- my wife and I just had our first child.  We have an 8 week old son named Jack…

[females in the audience say ‘ah’, while the males applaud]

Thank you, thank you.  I appreciate that.   Yeah, I always like it when people cheer and applaud me for having sex…  a year ago…

So the weekend after we found out we were having a baby, we spent 45 bucks on ‘cute clothes’ for Jack at a Carter’s outlet…  One of the outfits purchased that day says, ‘Mommy’s Little Monster’.  I’m sure this monster-themed attire was designed with the idea in mind of ‘oh, he’s such a messy little boy… he’s always gettin’ into everything…’.  But for me, I look at this whole ‘boys are little monsters’ as a literal thing… Boys are actually a wonderful representation of what classic monsters are in my mind…

So far, having a baby boy has totally met all my expectations as far as his lack of politeness: passing gas while people hold him for the first time- some of you just caught me doing another fart joke… and the way he also becomes the baby version of an angry, drunk, and ranting Jack Nicholson… the moment he realizes he’s hungry and we didn’t already have a bottle ready for him right that second… Not to mention the percentage of milk that comes out of his mouth as opposed to the amount that goes in and stays in… But I once was a boy- and in a sense, always will be a boy- you know, since [spoken in an Oprah tone] boys will be boys… Baby Jack is indeed a friendly, little beast.  He really sounds and acts like a literal monster…

When he’s sleeping, he often makes this ‘ghurr, ghurr’ sound…  And sometimes instead, the noise sounds more like the Smoke Monster from Lost… [make the sound]  It doesn’t help that he can’t actually speak yet.  How could I not be reminded of a monster when I see a little baby flailing his arms around during pretty much all of his waking hours who makes noises like that scary beast thing (R.O.U.S.) on The Princess Bride?… He’s a monster all right.  But a loveable one.

Yes, Jack is a little bit like the TV version of The Incredible Hulk mixed with Jabba the Hut and a Mongolian warrior. But the most adorable and cuddly version you could imagine.  I love having my own little monster around the house.  I will teach him everything I know.  And that, friends, is the truly scary part about this whole “monster” thing…

Alright everyone, I got to get out of here- my time’s up.  Actually, I’m not leaving. I’m just exiting the stage.  This had been fun, yeah?  See you next time.”

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dad from day one: Mommy’s Little Monster

Week 8.

The weekend after we found out we were having a baby, we spent 45 bucks on “cute clothes” for Jack at a Carter’s outlet.  One of the outfits purchased that day says, “Mommy’s Little Monster”.  I have a feeling that this monster-themed attire was designed with the idea in mind of “oh, he’s such a messy little boy… he’s always gettin’ into everything…” .  But for me, I look at this whole “boys are little monsters” as a literal thing: Boys are actually a wonderful representation of what classic monsters are in my mind.

So far, having a baby boy has totally met all my expectations as far as his lack of politeness (passing gas while people hold him for the first time) and becoming the baby version of an angry, drunk, and ranting Jack Nicholson the moment he realizes he’s hungry and we didn’t already have a bottle ready for him right that second.  Not to mention the percentage of milk that comes out of his mouth as opposed to the amount that goes in and stays in.  But I once was (and in a sense, always will be) a boy.  Baby Jack is indeed a friendly, little beast.  He really sounds and acts like a literal monster.

My dad Jack and my son Jack

When he’s sleeping, he often makes this “ghurr, ghurr” sound.  And sometimes instead, the noise sounds more like the Smoke Monster from Lost.  It doesn’t help that he can’t actually speak yet.  How could I not be reminded of a monster when I see a little baby (but big for his age… he looks like he should be six months old) flailing his arms around during pretty much all of his waking hours who makes noises like that scary beast thing (R.O.U.S.) on The Princess Bride? He’s a monster all right.  But a loveable one.

Jack is a little bit like the TV version of The Incredible Hulk mixed with Jabba the Hut and a Mongolian warrior. But the most adorable and cuddly version you could imagine.  I love having my own little monster around the house.  I will teach him everything I know.  And that, friends, is the truly scary part about this whole “monster” thing.

The picture above was taken by Joe Hendricks Photography:

Blog- www.photojoeblog.com

Website- www.joehendricks.com

In case you don’t know what the Smoke Monster from Lost sounds like, click on this minute-long video clip:

 

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dad from day one: Won’t Ever Be Lonely

Week 6.

Maybe somewhat surprisingly, I am a proud Country music fan- though I’m ultimately a Dave Matthews Band/Guster/John Mayer/Bruce Springsteen/Tom Petty kind of guy.  In the past few weeks, in the midst of leaving our lives behind in Nashville and entering uncertainty and a current status of “in between jobs” in Alabama, not having much to do but constantly search for jobs and take care of our baby, the lyrics to a Country song by Andy Griggs from 1999 keep coming to my mind: “I promise you now, you won’t ever be lonely.”  Though the song is obviously written from the perspective of a man in love with a woman, looking forward to spending the rest of his life with her, the lyrics now speak to me in a different way:

“You’re safe from the world wrapped in my arms and I’ll never let go.  Baby, here’s where it starts and I promise you now you won’t ever be lonely. Here’s a shoulder you can cry on and a love you can rely on.  For as long as I live
there will always be a place you belong.”

But while the words to this song obviously make perfect sense in the perspective of me speaking to my child, they actually are more relevant to me in this mindset: I won’t ever be lonely.  Not just him.  But I won’t ever be lonely.

I am better able to understand now why there are so many pregnant teenagers and why MTV’s 16 and Pregnant is such a popular show- because so many kids today are lonely. (I am under the crazy notion that a good number of pregnant teens and extremely young parents are not getting pregnant simply because of the careless lack of birth control, but instead because they subconsciously want to be have a baby in a attempt to be loved by someone.) So many daughters have never been told by their fathers that they are beautiful. So many sons have never heard their father tell them “I’m proud of you”.   Having a baby definitely changes the lonely factor in many ways.  Even if the 19 year-old father who works for minimum wage at the oil change place bales on her soon after the baby is born- at least that young mother will always have someone depending on her.

Granted, I haven’t been lonely in a long time.  But I can easily remember it.  It can be painful; literally.  Last week I watched a National Geographic documentary on solitary confinement where I learned that loneliness is processed in the same part of the brain as pain.  I can easily remember being 20 years old, feeling lost, out of place, an unmatched. I wondered for the next five years if I would be like the actor who played Mr. Belvedere, who never married or had children his whole life. But at age 25, my wife and I met each other and those heavy and desperate thoughts of loneliness haven’t entered my mind in over four years.

Now at age 29, I am the opposite of lonely.  I have a wonderful wife and a beautiful and hilarious baby son that I will always matter to.  And I have a feeling that the older our son Jack gets, the more attention and energy of mine that he will require.  At least until he reaches 7th grade and gets too cool for me.

Lyrics to Andy Griggs’ “You Won’t Ever Be Lonely”:

Life may not always go your way
And every once in awhile you might have a bad day
But I promise you now you won’t ever be lonely
The sky turns dark and everything goes wrong
Run to me and I’ll leave the light on
And I promise you now you won’t ever be lonely

For as long as I live
There will always be a place you belong
Here beside me
Heart and soul baby — you only
And I promise you now you won’t ever be lonely

It’s still gonna snow and it’s still gonna rain
The wind’s gonna blow on a cold winter day
And I promise you now you won’t ever be lonely
You’re safe from the world wrapped in my arms
And I’ll never let go
Baby, here’s where it starts
And I promise you now you won’t ever be lonely
Here’s a shoulder you can cry on
And a love you can rely on
For as long as I live
There will always be a place you belong

Here beside me
Heart and soul baby — you only
And I promise you now you won’t ever be lonely
No, no, you won’t ever be lonely

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dad from day one: A Baby’s Sixth Sense

Week 6.

It’s a sort of eery feeling getting up at 1:30 AM, 3:30 AM, and/or 5:30 AM every morning to feed and change Jack.  While it’s still dark and quiet, while I’m only “awake” enough to put the word in quotation marks, and while my memory barely records the routine actions taking place during the twilight, I’m sure I’m subconsciously looking for something out of the ordinary.  As I hold Jack in one arm and his bottle in the other, the dimly lit room casts a strange shadow on his face.  Sometimes when I look at him during this time I get a little creeped out.  In this situation he reminds me of a baby version of the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz (played by the Jewish actor Bert Lahr); that movie and the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, though they are both wonderful classic movies, have always freaked me out a bit.  On a similar note, it also seems like I’m taking care of a little old man, with his receding hairstyle (Jack Nicholson style), his chubby cheeks, and his baby-version-of-cussing-somebody-out cries when he’s really hungry and his diaper is wet.

To make matters more theatrical, there are times when I am taking care of him during the middle of the night when it’s like he peeks around my shoulder and sees something and gets this calm yet curious look on his face. Does he see something?  A guardian angel?  Jesus?  Maybe the ghost of Bert Lahr?

I wouldn’t be surprised if babies can see into the spiritual realm.  It could make sense in a way; babies are completely innocent.  They are unaware of damning traps like pride and greed.  I could see how a baby is naturally closer to Heaven than we adults are.  Sometimes I envy the things my baby may be seeing.  But then again, it would be just another thing to spook me in the middle of the night. It seems every account I can immediately think of in the Bible where an angelic being spoke to a human, the angel always had to start the conversation out with “Do not be afraid…”  But Jack isn’t scared by whatever he is seeing around me that I am less aware; if he’s actually seeing anything supernatural at all.

 

 

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What Makes a Good Horror/Thriller Movie?

Find out what it takes to impress a movie snob like myself when it comes to the “boo!” factor.

One of my biggest pet peeves in life is when someone starts telling me about a movie, and in a subconscious effort to be cool or to be a hero, blurts the ending.  Usually, that takes away much of the incentive to spend the two hours to watch the movie.  But recently, a coworker blabbed the twist ending to Orphan and it actually intrigued me so much that I watched it this past weekend with my wife and my mother-in-law.  And though I typically can’t say this about most movies, especially not “scary” ones, I give it an A+.  So what makes for a good scary movie, according to me, a self-proclaimed movie guy?

It doesn’t have bad acting. A few weeks ago I tried to watch Fire in the Sky, the 1993 thriller about alien abductions, and couldn’t make it past the first 20 minutes because the acting was simply not believable.  It was somehow both too cartoonish and too bland.  Like Christian movies and low budget sci-fi movies, scary movies also tend to feature unknown actors who are unknown for a reason.  For a scary movie to be good, the acting itself can not be a distraction.

It doesn’t exploit violence and gore. Granted, I don’t mind excessive violence and gore if it’s necessary to the plot.  I’m a huge fan of the Saw franchise.  But I didn’t like Saw III, Saw V, or Saw 3D individually because I felt the violence and gore itself was over-the-top and mainly there for shock value alone, whereas I felt that with first Saw, Saw II, Saw IV, and saw VI, the violence and gore had a purpose directly related to a meaningful plotline.

It doesn’t contain soft-core porn. The thing that has kept me from seeing Hostel is that I have heard from multiple people that “there is a soft-core porn scene in the beginning of the movie”.  A good scary movie doesn’t need obsessive nudity in order to be a good scary movie.  (When any kind of movie has excessive nudity and sex scenes, I almost always believe it’s in there as a desperate attempt to make an otherwise drab movie seem interesting.) There was nudity in One Hour Photo, but it was extremely relevant to the plot and had a purpose.  I’m not saying I morally approve nudity, but I am saying that when it’s done in good taste, it can at least keep from distracting from the quality of the movie itself, as opposed to most Friday the 13th movies.

It doesn’t contain special effects which I can tell are fake. In Saw 3D there were several death trap scenes where I could totally tell the newly dead bodies where just hollow rubber dummies.  That’s how I feel about the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the Final Destination series.  I am a snob when it comes to special effects of any kind.  That means I don’t want to see any blood that looks too watery or any noticeable uses of green screens.

It doesn’t end with all the main characters dying. The movie is scarier if at least one person lived to tell the story.  I’m not saying that it has to end well.  One of my favorite scary movies is Skeleton Key- no one really dies in it but it doesn’t really end on a happy note either.  Yet the creativeness in how they pulled off that combo impressed me.  Same thing with One Hour Photo.

It doesn’t end unfinished. If the name of the movie is Freddy Vs. Jason, then either Freddy or Jason better clearly win the fight by the time it ends.  I’m fine with a movie that ends while leaving the door open for a sequel.  But if that’s the case, I want that movie to be able to stand alone as a film that in of itself actually makes sense and has closure.  The first Saw movie does this perfectly.

If a horror/thriller movie passes these six tests, there is a good chance it will be at least a good one.  It’s not about how many times you get spooked when something surprises you by jumping out on the screen or a high dead body count.  The movie itself has to be legit and in tact as a whole.  Otherwise, instead of walking back to your car after the movie as look around the parking lot for any suspicious shadowy creatures, you’re shaking your head at how stupid that movie was instead.