Like fruitcake, it’s a popular gift. And like fruitcake, it’s usually not received with sincere grattitude.
Yesterday I read someone’s facebook status update saying they are “sick and tired of getting unsolicited advice about how to raise my kids”. A flood of comments followed from people who agreed, along with several “likes this”. Good call.
Because there is actually a difference between constructive criticism and unsolicited advice- the “unsolicited” part. And of course I’m not referring to family or close friends- it’s their job to give you unsolicited advice, because they’re more apt to “get through” to you in their approach, as well as knowing you well enough to give relevant advice.
And “relevant” is an important word. Because part of the reason unsolicited advice is so obnoxious is that it’s often irrelevant to to us.
There are many times in my life where I really want someone’s advice. So I ask for it, specifically from the people who I believe have the most intuition and wisdom on the subject. The irony of receiving unsolicited advice is that the people most likely and eager to give it are often the ones who I would never ask anyway.
Which means sometimes I have to stay strong to resist from giving others advice when they haven’t asked for it, lest I be “that guy”.
It all comes down to a social cue that many people feel is disregarded- like their personal life is being intruded upon when someone gives me advice they didn’t ask for. Because giving advice (warranted or not) is a form of giving criticism. And when it comes to receiving criticism, most people aren’t truly that open to it- unless they are directly asking a specific trusted individual for it.
Granted, there are times when people put themselves in a situation that invites advice, indirectly. Any kind of public facebook message will do the trick. Anything I write about on my site is always open to criticism and advice; that’s why I allow comments. I like hearing others’ perspectives on raising a kid and I welcome comments on my “dad from day one series”. That’s intended as a shared experience.
But it’s those people in our “outer circles” that tend to be the key offenders. The ones most likely to bring to your attention that you’ve gained some weight, got a big zit on your forehead, are starting to lose your hair, or announce in front of everyone that you appear to be in a bad mood. These people obviously don’t intend to offend us; they honestly mean well.
It’s just that no one taught them basic social behavior lessons. And the thing is, they’ll probably never get a clue. So what do I do when I get unsolicited advice from a person who isn’t too keen on social clues? Give ‘em a half-sincere smile, shake my head “yes”, and change the subject.
And I’ve also noticed that these same people so eager to help us are often the most likely to go into details about their personal life, telling everyone stories that no one asked to hear. They are eager to “help” us because they need help themselves.
I guess ultimately, being given uninvited advice is in a way like someone telling you who to be. And for those of us who definitely know who we are, it’s if nothing else, plain annoying, to be told we are going to become like someone else who lives their own life by a different code.
There’s something that keeps us from wanting someone else to be able to figure us out. It’s accurate to say that there’s nothing truly new under the sun. But still we thrive on the freedom to live life as an individual, not based on both the idiots and geniuses who have done this thing before us.
P.S. By the way, in my opening I had to use fruitcake as a universal example that most people would relate to- when in fact, I am actually a big fan of fruitcake.