As I mentioned earlier in this series, one of the reoccurring themes in the songs I write is where I am sorting the doubts of my faith.
I wish I could move past the thoughts I address in this song. Maybe one day I can, though I already know that in the end, it’s a matter of me accepting that I am not in control and there is no way to prove it either way while I am still alive.
In the end, I suppose there is ultimately a 50/50 chance of being right about my Christian faith. Despite the odds, despite my obsession with unpacking concepts through logic, I am choosing to believe:
I don’t know how to feel – I don’t know what to do with this – Will I be thrown in the sea with a millstone around my neck? I believe I have enough doubt for a Baptist preacher to leave the faith – Will I be thrown in the sea? Like Jonah, am I the problem? Is this how I touch the scars of Your hands and thrust my fingers in Your side? What’s it like to just not question things when a lack of logic is what I find? I’m St. Doubting Thomas – I’m hanging on, Lord – I promise – If I were God, which I’m not, would I make people in my own image, then set them up to fail with The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil? In a spiritual sense, you could say I’ve got daddy issues – I feel like an abandoned child held over the flames of hell like a toasting marshmallow – I find this narrative odd – Is it the Wizard of Oz back there? It’s a cryptic riddle – We’re all trapped in the middle – Should I put reason to rest and pretend?
Perhaps I am accidentally becoming the official poet laureate of your social media circle, if you’re reading this now.
Something multiple people have told me this year is this: “Your songs seem a lot like poems, actually.”
I have been writing a minimum of a dozen songs each year, ever since 2020. I realize now that it has become, and still is, my way of providing therapy for myself, as I openly admit I am exploring my way through my midlife crisis/existential crisis.
There is undeniably something consistent in my ability to extract my subconscious thoughts, concerns, and fascinations when I make the effort and take the time to write a new song.
By composing chord progressions, curating melodies, and writing down lyrics, I discover what is needing to be revealed from the inside. Sometimes it’s simply a nuance or trend I am noticing about culture. Other times, I learn a fundamental aspect about how I perceive the world, that I could not have otherwise known.
As I close out 2023, I feel it is important for me to analyze the meaning and inspiration behind each song I have written this year.
The first is “Password Paranoia!”. After I wrote this song, I realized this is a universally relevant concept right now. As a society, we indeed have a collective anxiety about feeling locked out of our own lives, thanks to modern technology.
A common theme in so many of my songs from these past several years is my honesty about having doubts in my faith but choosing to talk through them and ask difficult, uncomfortable questions. Even in this somewhat lighthearted song, I still make a reference to my back room fear that I am still not capable of knowing God.
Stay tuned, as I will be posting my remaining 12 songs throughout December 2023.
As for now, here are the lyrics to “Password Paranoia!”:
I read the book – I saw the movie – Binge-watched every episode of the series – I took notes, then from them I wrote a great dissertation – I’m standing in line at the gates of Heaven – Can’t figure this out on my phone as I’m trying to get in – Downloaded the app but still I find myself in this awkward situation – Am I logged in to a different account? I can’t figure it out – This CAPTCHA’s confusing me now – Am I human enough? Artificial intelligence is the judge – Did I get this far to mess it up? What’s my login? What’s my password? What’s my identity anymore? Where’s my way in? What’s this all for? I wish the search for security didn’t make me feel so insecure of my own existence – Can you blame me? I’ve got password paranoia! Can I cash in these points? I did enough to earn them – Turned in my receipts, logged it in to the Excel spreadsheet – Linked it to all my social media accounts – Am I still missing something? Can I cancel my subscription? This process is cryptic – Will you accept my resignation? It should be simple – Why does it feel I’m locked out? Like I’m not allowed into my own life
Last Friday night, Mommy went to Nashville with her friend Cheryl to see Lady A in concert. That meant that it was just you, me, and your sister.
After dinner, while I was getting your sister ready for bed, I didn’t see you or hear you around anywhere. I just assummed you where outisde in the cul-de-sac playing with the neighbors.
At 7:55 PM, I opened up the door leading to the garage and found you working on your cars:
Disassembling them to rebuild them.
“Look, Daddy, I built a power sander!” You showed me how you took a pencil and attached it to your power drill, using the eraser side to sand the new paint job you gave your Hot Wheels.
In the course of me writing my Enneagram book this year, I finally came to the realization you are truly an Enneagram 5 with a 4 wing:
Over the course of this year, I wrote a total of 12 songs that I published on my YouTube channel. Not only is this the ideal number of songs, in my mind, for a complete album, but it also serves as a good representation of the year itself for me.
The lyrics I write for my songs are extremely important. I am always interested in realizing what I discover about myself, through the process of extracting each new song inside of me.
So I figured it would be an interesting idea to look back on the 12 songs I have written in 2022, so that we can see what my most recent year of self-discovery has taught me.
I didn’t record any songs during the first half of 2022, as I was diving deep into understanding my true Enneagram type. Once I finally figured out I am a Counterphobic 6 Wing 7, the song material easily presented itself.
In case you’re not familiar with the Enneagram personality types, I am a Type 6; which is focused on finding security through other people and by facing my fears. I invite you to search for these themes here in my songs.
Below are the lyrics to all 12 songs (the chorus is in bold font) along with the video of me performing each song:
1- “I Was Here”
I remember walking in the woods when I was young – I saw a tree, I took out a knife, and there I carved these words: “I was here” – I was here – Now I am a grown man, that was a lifetime time ago – But I’m still looking for a way to say that same phrase: “I was here” – I was here – I always need to feel something like I’m here with you now – Not gonna live like I’m lost when I know that I’m found – I am more than aware: “Life is short, make it count” – I’ll leave my mark on this word before I get out – So I can feel like I was here – So I can feel like I was here – I could have been born any year in any other place – I could have spoken a different language, completely difference face – But I am here, I am here – We so could have easily have never known each other – If I had a different father or a different mother – But I am here, I am here – I don’t need to take up much space – No, this won’t take too long – What I’ve learned in 41 years: “Be brief, be brilliant, be gone”
2 – “Ship’s Goin’ Down”
Ship’s goin’ down, I’m sinking with it – I’ll be underwater in under a minute – And I see no signs of a rescue – Make no mistake, I was more than committed – Had a chance to escape – And when I could, I didn’t – But I still don’t feel like a dumb fool – Ship’s goin’ down, I’m sinking with it– Ship’s goin’ down, I’m sinking with it – Waves crashed up over the deck but I showed no signs of fear – While everyone else was a wreck, my anxiety cleared – Warning signs were there all along but I didn’t mind being wrong – If anyone could overcome the sea, I knew it had to be me
3 – “The Overthinker”
I am the overthinker – A skeptic and a believer – Sometimes, an in-betweener – I am the overthinker – Hold on, let me analyze this – I am the reluctant leader – A loyalist and a people reader – Sometimes, a future seer – I am the overthinker – I am the stability seeker – Calm in a storm, a life lesson teacher – Sometimes, I just sit in the bleachers – I am the overthinker
4 – “An Honest Worship Song?”
Some days I feel like I’d make a good Doubting Thomas or the prophet Jonah – And I could relate when I’d hear the prodigal son had an older brother – Is this proof of my fear in God because I think I might actually be terrified? Is this proof I’m a chosen one because I can’t deny I’ve always felt this hope inside? Makes me wonder: Is something wrong, do I not belong? Makes me wonder: Would God want an honest worship song? I don’t raise my arms up – I keep my hands in my pockets – Why don’t I display stage presence yet I pray alone in my closet? Would God really want an honest worship song? Some days I feel like I’d make a better agnostic than I would a Christian – Got so many questions I feel like I can’t ask about my own religion – Is this proof of my pride just because I want to find all of these answers? Is this proof of my faith just because I care about what I think matters? Some days I’d make for a typical black sheep of the flock – The fact that I ask all this could mean I’m jaded but I am not lost
5 – “What If We Could See Beyond These Labels?”
You can wave your rainbow flag, identify the way you like – Adopt children Roe Vs. Wade could not reach – Or you can wave your Confederate flag, try to justify your Southern pride – Though to many it’s perceived as hateful and obscene – You don’t even know what I believe – My views are irrelevant the way I see it – Either way, it’s just the same to me: What if we could see beyond these labels? What if we would simply love our neighbors? What if we prayed for our enemies and we agreed to disagree? You can live as an atheist or bow to Allah to be blessed – Or think you’ll be reincarnated as a willow tree – You can trust in politics, red or blue, just see what sticks – Or worship overpaid athletes on a team
6 – “Matter”
The world never knew that I ever got here – Not a face in this crowd would notice if I disappeared – No need for me to look to the stars – To notice how small we really are – Why does it bother me that the world doesn’t need my help to turn around? Why does it bother me the universe without me in it wouldn’t be any worse? I’m here to give life meaning – I feel alive when you need me – I need to matter to you – I’m invisible to billions – But I don’t question my existence – If I matter to you – I’d be relieved to learn the Earth is flat – I’d be slightly more relevant in terms like that – But gravity’s got this hold on me – So I’m hanging on upside down, reluctantly – Am I more than just matter? Am I more than just matter? Am I more than just matter? Do I matter to you?
7 – “Sunflower”
There is comfort in the routine – There’s excitement in the unseen – I am your anchor, you are my wings – I am your rock, you are my sunflower – You are my sunflower – And the rain begins to fall, been awake for too long – Too much time to think about my life, so many ways it could go wrong – And the sky begins to clear, been asleep until now – Too many things to do while we are here, time is always running out
8 – “Room Full of Eyes on You”
You’ve got a room full of eyes on you right now – And you still haven’t figured it out – Room full of eyes on you right now – You stole the the show – No, there isn’t a doubt – I’m the great detective here by your side – It’s no surprise to Sherlock here when I find – You’ve got a room full of eyes on you right now – I’m never not watching people, can’t mind my own business – I’m so good at pointing out the person of interest – It’s obvious that character is you, the crowd agrees – I’ve got a front row seat to the irony – You’re unaware they all think you’re someone they have seen – In some Americana magazine – I suppose that’s the way this trade off works – If you could see how exceptional you truly look – Could your smile still be so innocent? I suppose that to look like you on the outside – The inside can’t afford to be tangled in pride- Because you’ve got a heart that’s so genuine
9 – “It’s Time to Start Another War!”
It’s time to start another war! Like the ones we did before – Who’s next on our hit list? Who’s calling who the terrorist? It’s time to start another war! We’ll need a motive we can all root for – Maybe out in Asia or the Middle East – Say we fight for freedom – We fight for peace – What we need is another Vietnam Nam – We don’t have to win if we just keeping running long – Let history repeat Afghanistan – For twenty years we occupied that land – Forgot we were still there – What we need is another foreign face – A different religion, a darker race – Post traumatic stress disorder in the making – Why help the world when instead we could be invading? We’re running a business here – Never forget – Never forget – Never forget – Never forget – We’re the good guys – The Lord’s on our side – We’re the heroes – We’re the heroes you should fear
10 – “Wi-Fi in My Coffin”
Book me a U-Haul to pull behind the hearse – I need my essentials when I’m buried in the dirt – Don’t forget my selfie stick for my podcast and Instagram – Got to get my followers the updates wherever I am – Give me Wi-Fi in my coffin – When I die, I still ain’t stoppin’ – I want a fancy casket: bells and whistles and gold – Then bury my money with me below – So much for FOMO, I don’t know what I’d do – If I were detached from all the action I’m plugged into – Make sure my funeral gets five star reviews – Include a salad bar and karaoke too – Maybe get some board games and even a water slide – I’m thinking a bounce house and of course we can’t forget pony rides – I just don’t like the feeling of being so weighed down – Got to keep things moving, that’s what I’m all about, you know – I’ve got places to go, I’ve got people to see – Don’t try to drag me down, man – Just keep this party flowing free
11- “End Up Somewhere Good”
I told ya I loved ya – Ya moved to Australia – That was a strange reaction – I told ya I’d still be waiting in Tennessee when you returned to me – It was a little bit crazy but I wouldn’t change things, not one bit – I never thought about how funny that was – That’s the story of what happened when we fell in love – The younger version of us knew what they were doing back then – We’re here together now because of what they did – We’re a little bit crazy but I wouldn’t change things, not one bit – Let’s run away, let’s run away – We’ll end up somewhere good – Let’s find a place, let’s find a place – We’ll end up somewhere good – End up somewhere good – Well I guess it worked out ’cause here I am now – Singin’ a song and it don’t sound sad – So I guess I’m gonna keep ya – Gonna keep ya around – Singin’ a song and it don’t sound bad – We’re a little bit crazy but I wouldn’t change things, not one bit – Look at what we did when we were just kids – Barely knew each other so we got married – Love was enough, only took a few months – Barely knew each other so we got married – We’re a little bit crazy but I wouldn’t change things, not one bit
12 – “Shadow Self”
I was kind to the world but not to myself – Like somehow I deserved less – Classic Stockholm Syndrome, both the captor and the victim – I’ve allowed myself to be released – My shadow self has been redeemed – Inside of me is inner peace – Can I finally feel complete? Like Saturn and its seven rings – It’s weird to hear your own voice – Is that the way I really sound to everyone else? It’s strange to see your own face – Is that the way I really look to everyone else? I used to be a scared little boy pretending not to be afraid – Convinced myself I was brave – My counterphobic tactic saved me for the past three decades – Fooled myself more than anyone – This is me saying how I feel at the end of another year – In my mind the smoke has cleared – The fear is disappearing
Thanks for taking the time to understand my view of the world! I would love to hear from you. Feel free to leave a comment!
My 9th song is one of several that could easily pass as a song written by an Enneagram 4, at first glance.
It feels sad. It is yearning for the past. It is a very entimental song, written from a realist perspective; where I am clearly plugged in to the full scope of my emotions.
But I would say it is a glimpse at the healthy part of my Enneagram 7 wing; where I am able to accept the randomness of life for what it is. I would say that there is a certain balance I showcase in the lyrics:
My life is half way over – My life has never been more in focus – No time machine to take us all back – What’s happened is stuck in the past – These are the good ole days – We’re still living in them – I won’t always be here – You won’t always be here – So shake a hand, shake a leg, soon we’ll all be dead – Don’t want to die, so I’ll try to live while I’m alive – This is it – These are the good ole days – You learn to take the good with the bad things – Life is both a comedy and a tragedy – No way to fast-forward or rewind -Just try to catch up if you get behind
So looking back on this song I wrote over 2 years ago, can you see my Enneagram 7 wing? Can you see my longing for security and confirmation of my own existence; which shows my true Enneagram is actually a 6?
Feel free to leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts!
And now you can listen to the song, below, if you wish:
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