poetry

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Songs I Wrote in 2023: “What’s Mine is Yours and Always Was” – 2nd of 13

In my 2nd song I wrote this year, I thought deeply about how children never have the opportunity to accept an invitation into this world, yet we as parents bring them here, for better and for worse.

This mirrors how God as our Creator does not ask us if we wanted to exist either, yet we are brought into a world where we become responsible and accountable for our decisions and actions.

Specifically, I wrote this song for my son. I reference how I have followed him around with a camera his whole life, as I have documented the story of his life on my website; ever since my wife and I found out she was pregnant with him.

I reference the Bible, in comparing my vision for him in the way God describes his relationship with us.

In these lyrics, I also point out how my own perception of time is undeniably based on my observation of him growing up.

Here are the lyrics to “What’s Mine is Yours and Always Was”:

I’m sorry, I never thought to ask – Did you want to be born into this world where nothing is ever promised how long it will last? Was I lonely? Was it selfish of me to give you life when I’m confused by mine? This place is not exactly what I’d call paradise – One day is thousand years – A lifetime of souvenirs – Good memories to overcome our shame and fears – The days are long and the years are short – I’ve seen it all but there still is more – Getting close to point where you can take it from here – I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper – Not to harm you, no – Plans to give you hope – I know the plans I have for you, plans for a future – No matter what you do, I’m still gonna love you – What’s mine is yours and always was – What’s mine is yours – It always was – With my camera, I followed you your entire life – I hope you didn’t mind – I may not be inside the shot, but I was always there – When you’re older, I hope you look back and see the ways I gave you all I had – I was always far from perfect but I was always there

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Songs I Wrote in 2023: “Password Paranoia!” – 1st of 13

Perhaps I am accidentally becoming the official poet laureate of your social media circle, if you’re reading this now.

Something multiple people have told me this year is this: “Your songs seem a lot like poems, actually.”

I have been writing a minimum of a dozen songs each year, ever since 2020. I realize now that it has become, and still is, my way of providing therapy for myself, as I openly admit I am exploring my way through my midlife crisis/existential crisis.

There is undeniably something consistent in my ability to extract my subconscious thoughts, concerns, and fascinations when I make the effort and take the time to write a new song.

By composing chord progressions, curating melodies, and writing down lyrics, I discover what is needing to be revealed from the inside. Sometimes it’s simply a nuance or trend I am noticing about culture. Other times, I learn a fundamental aspect about how I perceive the world, that I could not have otherwise known.

As I close out 2023, I feel it is important for me to analyze the meaning and inspiration behind each song I have written this year.

The first is “Password Paranoia!”. After I wrote this song, I realized this is a universally relevant concept right now. As a society, we indeed have a collective anxiety about feeling locked out of our own lives, thanks to modern technology.

A common theme in so many of my songs from these past several years is my honesty about having doubts in my faith but choosing to talk through them and ask difficult, uncomfortable questions. Even in this somewhat lighthearted song, I still make a reference to my back room fear that I am still not capable of knowing God.

Stay tuned, as I will be posting my remaining 12 songs throughout December 2023.

As for now, here are the lyrics to “Password Paranoia!”:

I read the book – I saw the movie – Binge-watched every episode of the series – I took notes, then from them I wrote a great dissertation – I’m standing in line at the gates of Heaven – Can’t figure this out on my phone as I’m trying to get in – Downloaded the app but still I find myself in this awkward situation – Am I logged in to a different account? I can’t figure it out – This CAPTCHA’s confusing me now – Am I human enough? Artificial intelligence is the judge – Did I get this far to mess it up? What’s my login? What’s my password? What’s my identity anymore? Where’s my way in? What’s this all for? I wish the search for security didn’t make me feel so insecure of my own existence – Can you blame me? I’ve got password paranoia! Can I cash in these points? I did enough to earn them – Turned in my receipts, logged it in to the Excel spreadsheet – Linked it to all my social media accounts – Am I still missing something? Can I cancel my subscription? This process is cryptic – Will you accept my resignation? It should be simple – Why does it feel I’m locked out? Like I’m not allowed into my own life

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“Shotgun” – Song 11 – Enneagram 6 Songwriter – Analyzing Lyrics – Themes of Belonging and Security

My 11th song, “Shotgun”, was the first released during The Covid Lockdown; on March 20th, 2020. Perhaps I started becoming more inspired to write about my relationship with my wife during this time. In fact, I pitched this song to her, as a duet. But she decided she wanted me to do this one alone.

“Shotgun” is a song I wrote to point out the near absurdity in betting the rest of your life on spending it with another person… for better and for worse.

I chose the term “shotgun” in connection of the phrase “shotgun wedding”. Even though my wife and I didn’t have a rushed wedding, in the grand scheme of things, it can still seem that way to some degree:

Know a person for a year or so, and then you take one “shot” on them by choosing to commit your life to them; hoping the other person is as committed as you are, no matter what lies ahead.

As an Enneagram 6, I am wired to crave and to provide stability and security. These lyrics show a glimpse into the way I arguably “overthink” every situation:

“I’ve got my finger on the trigger, but just one bullet in the chamber – For better or for worse, forever – Until death do we part – Staring down the barrel of a shotgun against my shoulder – Praying that I’m solid in my aim – I can’t afford to miss it, either it is or isn’t – Neither of us will ever be the same – Best case scenario, we both grow old until one of us dies and leaves the other all alone – Happily ever after, celebrations and disasters – Sweet and sour, I ain’t going nowhere – Anti-climatic, existential crisis, comic, tragic – Why are we still here? I don’t have all the answers but I’ve made my peace with God – I’m taking you with me into the great beyond – Hallelujah”

So looking back on this song I wrote over 2 years ago, can you see how I am a loyalist and a skeptic? Can you see my longing for security and confirmation of my own existence; which shows my true Enneagram is actually a 6?

Feel free to leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

And now you can listen to the song, below, if you wish:

 

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“Tripping on Existence” – Song 2 – Enneagram 6 Songwriter – Analyzing Lyrics – Themes of Belonging and Security

In my 2nd song, we see an official embracing of the “counterphobic” aspect of my Enneagram 6 personality; identifying as a person who faces my fears, instead of running from them. Specifically, I am disassociating myself from the general population of people who I realized I no longer needed to give my time, energy, money, emotions, and attention to.

It was me officially and knowingly beginning my journey of emotional intelligence.

I recorded this song on October 28th, 2019. At that point in my life, both my salary and my wife’s had doubled; as we had both began working at different employers.

We had recently paid off all our debts and moved into a brand-new, bigger house in the perfect neighborhood. For the first time in my marriage and career, we were not in debt.

These events triggered an “existential crisis”, which I am still working through. Since then, I have felt like I suddenly climbed to the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid.

Granted, much of my identity will always be wrapped up in “love/belonging”. But ultimately, I have been living in the “self-actualization” phase for a few years now.

The lyrics of “Tripping on Existence” serve as a clear realization of my sudden introduction of my existential crisis- or as some would say, “mid-life crisis”:

“Hi, I don’t care, thanks – I unplugged from existence, at least the version from before – I switched of the breaker – I don’t care if I’m hated, or even worse ignored – I wish I was here – I’ve been gone too long, I’ve begun to disappear – I can’t relate – I’ve seen too much, this is my escape – The best way to explain this: I’m tripping on existence – A dream inside a dream – An alternate dimension – I guess that I should mention – You can borrow my spare key – I am phoning home – But years have passed, now the number’s changed – So what happens next? Expect a reboot, then get born again”

So looking back on this song I wrote nearly 4 years ago, can you see the Enneagram 6? Can you see my longing for security and confirmation of my own existence?

Feel free to leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

And now you can listen to the song, below, if you wish:

 

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“Maybe It’s a Dream” – Song 1 – Enneagram 6 Songwriter – Analyzing Lyrics – Themes of Belonging and Security

Since 2014, I have written over 60 songs that I have published on my YouTube channel.

This past year, I dove deep into understanding myself better than I ever have before. I became certified as an Enneagram coach, which has ultimately been my own personal equivalent of experimenting with a revealing psychedelic like ayahuasca.

I am officially a Counterphobic Enneagram 6 Wing 7, Sexual/Social Subtype.

Ultimately, here’s the breakdown: I find meaning in life by seeking security through building and maintaining relationships with people; which ultimately makes me feel like I exist. I am constantly looking for what might go wrong with the situation, so that I can either prevent it, or go down with the ship and learn from it. And despite living in constant anxiety, I face my fears head on. I am the loyal skeptic, which is ultimately a paradox: Both an introvert and extrovert; both a pessimist and an optimist.

So in addition to now understanding my fundamental psychological operating system, there is also the fact that when I write a new song, it draws out of me, subconscious thoughts I am often not aware of.

I am excited and curious to start turning my lyrics inside out. Let’s start with the very first song I published on my YouTube channel: “Maybe It’s a Dream.”

I originally wrote it on January 11th, 2014; when I was 33 years old. However, I didn’t actually record it until April 16th, 2018; just 4 days before my 37th birthday. (I’m 41 now.)

In hindsight, I don’t like the way I performed this song. The key is too low and I over-pronounce the words.

But ultimately, through this new series of unpacking the psychology of all the songs I’ve written, one by one, I want to finally focus on the true poetry of my lyrics, as opposed to simply the musical aspect.

Here are the lyrics to “Maybe It’s a Dream”:

I am a skeleton with meat on my bones – I walk around with secrets nobody knows – I am a figment of my own imagination, I bet – It’s all, it’s all, in my head – Seven billion people ride a planet that spins – A thousand miles an hour and I’m just one of them – Another stranger who’s no stranger than all the rest – It’s all, it’s all, in my head – It feels like no one knows me anymore – And I start to think that I’m safer when ignored – My head’s in the clouds but my feet are on the ground – So tell me now, where can I be found? It’s like a dream where I can’t stop falling from the bottom to the top – Maybe it’s a dream where I’m drowning out a sea – I’m coming up for air – But is this even real? My thoughts are captive and I’ve swallowed the key – I’ve locked myself out of the world so it seems – My perspective of reality will die with me – It’s all, it’s all make believe – With these distractions it’s so hard to exist – It’s survival of the mentally fittest – I’m still standing here so I guess I know that this means – It’s all, it’s all in my head 

So looking back on this song I wrote nearly a decade ago, can you see the Enneagram 6? Can you see my longing for security and confirmation of my own existence?

Feel free to leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

And now you can listen to the song, below, if you wish: