midlife crisis

Leave a comment Posted on People, Spirituality, Storytelling, Uncategorized

That Moment You Realize Your Opinion Doesn’t Actually Matter Outside of Your Own Head

It felt like both a personal tragedy as well as the biggest relief, the moment I realized, “Oh… my personal opinion doesn’t really matter all that much outside of my own head. Wait… nobody cares? This is horrible! Wait… nobody cares? Ah… this is great, actually.”

And it wasn’t just me. I now can see that regardless of their current age, so many people live their lives constantly chasing validation of their own identity. It was a sobering revelation for me to realize this about myself- and it explained how I had lived so many years of my life.

Especially in my early and mid 30s, I “needed” people to agree with my opinions: I needed to “be right”. I took on the impossible responsibility of trying to make everyone around me think like I did.

 

But now at this point in life, I am years into living with the refreshing perspective that so little of the things that people worry about actually matter… as most of those things people worry about are the things we don’t actually have any control over.

A couple months ago I came across a meme that I found particularly helpful. Granted, it was laced in profanity. So here’s my own cleaned up version:

“Stages of the Awakening”

  1. Blissful ignorance.
  2. Nothing makes sense anymore.
  3. We’re doomed.
  4. Wake up, sheeple!
  5. Get off my lawn!
  6. Realizing that becoming the most loving and joyful version of myself, despite the chaos of the world around me, is the greatest rebellion.

Part of why I am finding it so much easier to be the most loving and joyful version of myself is because I stopped seeking the “validation of being right”. Granted, I still live by strong convictions that guide my own personal decisions and my lifestyle.

But I now know if I were even able to successfully prove I am right and another person is wrong, I would not be rewarded with that person’s respect. Instead, I would be met with their resentment. That is what life has actually taught me.

The self-destructive default had been for me to attempt to gain a sense of control over others by trying to convince them to agree with our my perspective, yet what I was actually seeking was emotional connection with the people in my life.

My personal opinion doesn’t really matter all that much outside of my own head. Being emotionally connected with other people does. Got it.

 

Leave a comment Posted on Enneagram, songwriting, Storytelling, Uncategorized

Songs I Wrote in 2023: “I Feel Like I Used to Be a Good Person” – 7th of 13

As 2023 progressed, the process of writing my Enneagram book continued to help me reveal more about my perception of life. Like with the previous song, “St. Doubting Thomas”, I was in the deconstruction stage of ego death.

Perhaps that is what prompted me to mention the final stages of grief, at the end of the song:

I feel like I used to be a good person – Twenty years ago, I saw the world as beautiful – I felt so alive – That was me there at the dress rehearsal – I was the golden child – Life was wonderful – The future was so bright – I never died as a hero – I lived long enough to get old – I see myself now as a villain – Will this story have a happy ending? What does that even mean to me anymore? Looking back to when I was a good person – That was before I had a chance to crash and burn and was forced to learn – I feel like I used to be a good person – But what the world needs now is the current version – The one who can get the job done – I’m here to audition for the part of the tortured artist – What’s the best we can hope for in this life if we’re being honest? We find ways to cope – It gives us hope or at least distracts us – This is my denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance

1 Comment Posted on fatherhood, parenting, Storytelling, Uncategorized

Dear Holly: Upgrading to a Big Bowl Now, Like the Rest of Our Family

7 years, 7 months.

Dear Holly,

I make every effort on my end to capture and document each little moment of you growing up. This week was when you decided it was time to upgrade from the smaller, plastic “kid friendly” bowl you have been using to eat from your entire life, to the regular ceramic bowls that the rest of our family eats from.

With you being our “baby”, I always perceive it as a delicate balance between encouraging you to become more independent and to still appreciate being young.

Part of the special connection you and I have is that I unashamedly am going through my official midlife/existential crisis, while you help remind me each day how to notice and enjoy the simple things.

Love,

Daddy

Leave a comment Posted on Enneagram, poetry, songwriter, Uncategorized

“Tripping on Existence” – Song 2 – Enneagram 6 Songwriter – Analyzing Lyrics – Themes of Belonging and Security

In my 2nd song, we see an official embracing of the “counterphobic” aspect of my Enneagram 6 personality; identifying as a person who faces my fears, instead of running from them. Specifically, I am disassociating myself from the general population of people who I realized I no longer needed to give my time, energy, money, emotions, and attention to.

It was me officially and knowingly beginning my journey of emotional intelligence.

I recorded this song on October 28th, 2019. At that point in my life, both my salary and my wife’s had doubled; as we had both began working at different employers.

We had recently paid off all our debts and moved into a brand-new, bigger house in the perfect neighborhood. For the first time in my marriage and career, we were not in debt.

These events triggered an “existential crisis”, which I am still working through. Since then, I have felt like I suddenly climbed to the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid.

Granted, much of my identity will always be wrapped up in “love/belonging”. But ultimately, I have been living in the “self-actualization” phase for a few years now.

The lyrics of “Tripping on Existence” serve as a clear realization of my sudden introduction of my existential crisis- or as some would say, “mid-life crisis”:

“Hi, I don’t care, thanks – I unplugged from existence, at least the version from before – I switched of the breaker – I don’t care if I’m hated, or even worse ignored – I wish I was here – I’ve been gone too long, I’ve begun to disappear – I can’t relate – I’ve seen too much, this is my escape – The best way to explain this: I’m tripping on existence – A dream inside a dream – An alternate dimension – I guess that I should mention – You can borrow my spare key – I am phoning home – But years have passed, now the number’s changed – So what happens next? Expect a reboot, then get born again”

So looking back on this song I wrote nearly 4 years ago, can you see the Enneagram 6? Can you see my longing for security and confirmation of my own existence?

Feel free to leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

And now you can listen to the song, below, if you wish:

 

Leave a comment Posted on parenting, People, Storytelling, Uncategorized

Our Family Pet is a Syrian Hamster… And I Am Its Calm Assertive Pack Leader

I admit: I am not a dog person. Nor am I a cat person. I like dogs and cats, just not enough to become personally responsible for their survival and/or livelihood.

So beyond caring for my wife and kids, what living creature do I have enough capacity left to care for?

I’ve got just enough left in me for… a rodent.

Specifically, a Syrian hamster.

When my son turned 9, over a year ago, he wanted a hamster.

It became immediately obvious, the moment we brought him home from the pet store, that Alpha was going to be my pet instead.

To be clear, back in November 2018, I knew nothing about hamsters.

So, thank you YouTube.

I learned that we needed to buy an aquarium for him to live in, instead of the “cute” hamster cages they sell at the pet stores where you buy the hamsters.

I learned how to hand-tame him.

I also learned that Syrian hamsters, being nocturnal and solitary animals, typically bond with one specific person in the household; in the likeness of a dog respecting the authority of the calm assertive pack leader.

Every night after the kids get ready for bed, I take the hamster out to let him crawl around in my hands, as I create my own version of a hamster wheel for him.

That’s when the kids like to take turns petting the hamster; which is the extent of their involvement with him.

While we are able to leave him alone at our house for a weekend, Alpha gets to go to Alabama where we stay at my parents’ house for Christmas vacation; which was for a week and a half in 2020.

This year, Alpha enjoyed crawling around in the Christmas wrapping paper- and feasting on Pistachios.

Syrian Hamsters typically don’t live more than 3 years.

That means that this year, in 2021, the year I turn 40, Alpha the Syrian Hamster will be officially experiencing the start of his midlife crisis along with me.