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I’m in Hurry and Don’t Know Why

Being born in 1981 in the town of Fort Payne, Alabama meant that my childhood and teenage years took place where the legendary country band Alabama was always part of the backdrop.

Some of my earliest memories in life include me regularly performing a concert to the four walls of my parents’ bedroom as I stood up on their bed using it as my stage, while the vinyl record of Alabama’s 1984 album Roll On played on the stereo.

But the Alabama song that has stuck with me my entire life was actually one that came out when I was eleven years old in 1992: “I’m in a Hurry (And Don’t Know Why)”.

It’s one of those songs that is easy to assume is light and fun because of its upbeat tempo. Instead, it’s actually a pretty deep song that involves a person addressing the paradoxes of their own human existence. It feels inspired by the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible.

Out of nowhere in the Alabama band’s song catalog is this realization that life is crowded with meaningless distractions:

All I really gotta do is live and dieBut I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

And now, more than 30 years after the song was released, this concept is even more relevant. At this point in my life, my focus has been narrowed to simply enjoy the life I have right here in front of me.

I think there is something almost unsettling, at least for me, to realize:

“Oh, I don’t have to try as hard as I used to, for life to be enjoyable: simply, as is.”

For the past couple of years now, I have been much more aware of so many of the meaningless distractions that I can just swipe left to. So many things we are taught to fear… we don’t have any control over anyway. So many things we’re taught to love… they only cause us to self-destruct. Our peace of mind has a price that is paid through our attention… if we let it.

For so many years, life was on “hard mode”. But now I’m in my mid 40s and I have genuinely earned plenty of “experience points”, meaning that I’ve overcome enough challenges to be confident and secure; despite the chaos that life seems to constantly present to us.

I could pray for God to help me understand what my purpose is, but it seems pretty apparent, as if He would say…

“Just enjoy the life you have in front of you. Right here, right now. This is it.”

And if that is what He would tell me, then I wonder if ironically, that’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do:

To stop running. To stop racing. To just relax and appreciate the view.

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Is Being a Faithful Christian Actually That Hard?

I’m going to say something that might seem challenging and unconventional:

Being a faithful Christian is not actually that hard.

It’s just not. Jesus clearly acknowledged this: “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. “

Speaking from personal experience, I can confirm that choosing to live a life based on His teachings actually makes life easier, not more challenging.

I’m convinced that instead of being more restricted by the Christian principles, we are actually more free.

A major theme I see in Jesus’s teachings (as well as much of the Bible, including Proverbs) that I feel doesn’t get much attention is that this all is largely rooted in emotional intelligence:

The ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and overcome conflict.

Being emotionally intelligent leads to being more disciplined in regards to the 7 deadly sins (pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, and sloth) and from there, we are naturally more inclined to love our neighbors as ourselves; which is connected to loving God.

This is an epiphany that has became strangely obvious to me over the past year. Each morning, I start the day by taking a 3 mile walk. During this time, I pray. I start off with the most famous prayer; the one Jesus taught his disciples:

“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”

Naturally, when you pray this, you can’t help but visualize examples of how this personally applies to you. The most challenging part of this prayer for me is “lead us not into temptation”…

This is my theory: That you can actually get to a point in your life where there just aren’t that many temptations surrounding you anymore, if you’re living your life in accordance to the ways Jesus taught us to live.

When I think of the word “temptation”, I immediately associate it with “sin”. When I think of the word “sin”, I associate it with “an act that causes a separation between you and God, as well as others”.

So for me, as a sincerely happily married 43 year-old man, what temptations am I supposedly facing?

Let’s start with the 10 Commandments:

  1. I am the LORD your God; you shall not have strange gods before me. “No problem. One God is enough for me. And I know this also implies not making anything else a god; like my job, my family, my hobbies, etc.”
  2. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain. “That’s easy. I don’t even curse anyway. Nor do I use God’s name out of context. It just seems silly.”
  3. Remember to keep holy the LORD’s Day. “Definitely. I am at church every Sunday morning, then I intentionally take it easy the rest of the day.”
  4. Honor your father and mother. “Of course! I love parents!”
  5. You shall not kill. “Why would I want to murder anyone? I’ve never even been in a fight my entire life.”
  6. You shall not commit adultery. “What?! Remember, I am sincerely happily married. I don’t desire nor think about other women. I love my wife!”
  7. You shall not steal. “If I am praying for God to give me my daily bread, why would I need to steal someone else’s?”
  8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. “What do I have to hide? Why would I need to lie?”
  9. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. “Didn’t we already do this one? Just like with only having one God, I’m good with just one woman.”
  10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s goods. “I am happy for my neighbors. Good for them. I celebrate their success. I don’t envy it.”

Still with me? Can you agree that following the 10 Commandment is simply just basic?

What about Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount? “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

Right. Exactly. Why wouldn’t we want to see our enemies redeemed as opposed to revenged?

But also, who are my enemies? I’m not aware that I have any. Why is that?

Now let’s look to when Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was.

“Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.'”

Love my others as much as I love myself? I have said for years that the meaning of life is found in serving others. I am energized by connecting with other people. One of my favorite things to do is to mentor others and empower them.

And I don’t think I am better than other people either. I am overly aware I am not perfect. At any moment, I could choose to make self-destructive decisions if I was tempted to do so. It’s just that I tend to not be tempted in the first place, because “sin” just doesn’t seem interesting or appealing to me at this point in my life.

My life is more enjoyable because it is proactively directed towards pleasing God, which is based on loving other people as much as myself.

I immediately recognize and believe that I fall short of the glory of God simply by being born into this world with a sinful nature. I openly accept the gift of Jesus’s salvation for being the only perfect one.

Isn’t the whole goal of being Christian to be like Jesus? I feel like there is a paradox here:

If a person claims to be a Christian, yet continually chooses actions that go against the teachings of Christ, that person is seen as a hypocrite; to be despised.

But if a person claims to be a Christian and chooses to live faithfully in accordance of the teachings of Christ, and then claims that they just aren’t intrigued by the temptations the world has to offer, does that imply the person’s actual temptation or sin of choice is pride?

I don’t buy into that.

Instead, I believe Jesus wants us to mature in our faith to the point where temptations become quite a rare thing; to the point where we find joy in following His teachings and in serving others; all while not believing that we ourselves are greater than others and while still fully recognizing God is God and we are not.

I just don’t see what is so hard about that. Change my mind.

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Give Life Meaning and Create Beautiful Experiences

Exactly 10 years ago, we took a family photo to document the short window of time of the calendar year when several members of our family are the exact same age. A decade ago, my wife and I were 33, my sister and her husband were 30, and our only children at time were 3 years old.

Now in October 2024, we actually have a new pair of members to add to the collection. It just so happened that my wife and I had our second child born during the same year span as my sister and her husband.

So the updated version of the picture has now become this:

My wife and I are 43, my sister and her husband are 40, our oldest children are 13 years old, and our youngest children are 8 years old.

Granted, that will change next month with some upcoming birthdays. But for the next few weeks, we have 4 pairs of matching ages.

I just so happened to have recently stumbled upon the original 2014 picture documenting the occurrence. Realizing it was time for a “decade later” photo update, while my wife and I hosted a “Spaghetti and S’mores” dinner at our house this weekend, I made sure to do our photo updates before we earned the right to eat our delicious dinner.

During dinner, I made a toast (pun intended: “s’mores”) to our collective family of ten. I brought up the fact that just a year ago, we were still curiously toying with idea of packing up our lives in Tennessee and moving to Alabama. But in the course of a year, we found the perfect home in Alabama to suit our needs, we sold our Tennessee home, we renovated our Alabama home, our kids started going to a new school, and we as a family of four have settled into our new lives here in general.

Simply put: I am happy and I know it.

I have everything I want and need right here. And on top of that, I have the self-awareness to recognize that I am happy; lacking nothing. So I had to just say it out loud in front of my family.

That has become even more important to me as I have gotten older: If you are thinking something positive that involves another person, even at the risk of appearing dramatic or awkward, just say the thing anyway.

I suppose it goes along with the family motto my wife and I created after we moved to Alabama this year:

“Give Life Meaning and Create Beautiful Experiences”.

This phrase was born in the aftermath of me realizing more and more each year:

Most things in life that we tend to dwell on or believe are important are actually just meaningless and/or uncontrollable distractions, keeping us from focusing on the few things that actually matter.

Here during the 2nd half of the roller coaster of my expected lifespan, I came to the conclusion that I have now “deleted” most of the “apps” that used to take up space in my brain:

The outcomes of political elections, the outcomes of sports events, the news, the weather, conspiracy theories, bingeable series on streaming platforms, giving other people the ability to “offend, disrespect, or insult” me, the need to prove to myself that I am a “good person” by being overly critical of myself, the need for my personal opinion to matter to other people, the need to be “right” about anything, the need to prove another person to be “wrong” about anything, the certainty of death and the uncertainty of the afterlife… and many more familiar classics!

What’s left at this point? What “apps” are still taking up space in my brain? This is something I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about this year.

The answer:

Cultivating a home where love is obvious. Making a conscious effort to positively influence the lives of people I encounter throughout each day. Showing up, doing the work, and looking for ways to improve. Choosing to serve and trust God, since He knows what He’s doing. And just chill.

For me at least, I think that’s all that actually matters in life anymore.

 

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Songs I Wrote in 2023: “St. Doubting Thomas” – 6th of 13

As I mentioned earlier in this series, one of the reoccurring themes in the songs I write is where I am sorting the doubts of my faith.

I wish I could move past the thoughts I address in this song. Maybe one day I can, though I already know that in the end, it’s a matter of me accepting that I am not in control and there is no way to prove it either way while I am still alive.

In the end, I suppose there is ultimately a 50/50 chance of being right about my Christian faith. Despite the odds, despite my obsession with unpacking concepts through logic, I am choosing to believe:

I don’t know how to feel – I don’t know what to do with this – Will I be thrown in the sea with a millstone around my neck? I believe I have enough doubt for a Baptist preacher to leave the faith – Will I be thrown in the sea? Like Jonah, am I the problem? Is this how I touch the scars of Your hands and thrust my fingers in Your side? What’s it like to just not question things when a lack of logic is what I find? I’m St. Doubting Thomas – I’m hanging on, Lord – I promise – If I were God, which I’m not, would I make people in my own image, then set them up to fail with The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil? In a spiritual sense, you could say I’ve got daddy issues – I feel like an abandoned child held over the flames of hell like a toasting marshmallow – I find this narrative odd – Is it the Wizard of Oz back there? It’s a cryptic riddle – We’re all trapped in the middle – Should I put reason to rest and pretend?

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Songs I Wrote in 2023: “Password Paranoia!” – 1st of 13

Perhaps I am accidentally becoming the official poet laureate of your social media circle, if you’re reading this now.

Something multiple people have told me this year is this: “Your songs seem a lot like poems, actually.”

I have been writing a minimum of a dozen songs each year, ever since 2020. I realize now that it has become, and still is, my way of providing therapy for myself, as I openly admit I am exploring my way through my midlife crisis/existential crisis.

There is undeniably something consistent in my ability to extract my subconscious thoughts, concerns, and fascinations when I make the effort and take the time to write a new song.

By composing chord progressions, curating melodies, and writing down lyrics, I discover what is needing to be revealed from the inside. Sometimes it’s simply a nuance or trend I am noticing about culture. Other times, I learn a fundamental aspect about how I perceive the world, that I could not have otherwise known.

As I close out 2023, I feel it is important for me to analyze the meaning and inspiration behind each song I have written this year.

The first is “Password Paranoia!”. After I wrote this song, I realized this is a universally relevant concept right now. As a society, we indeed have a collective anxiety about feeling locked out of our own lives, thanks to modern technology.

A common theme in so many of my songs from these past several years is my honesty about having doubts in my faith but choosing to talk through them and ask difficult, uncomfortable questions. Even in this somewhat lighthearted song, I still make a reference to my back room fear that I am still not capable of knowing God.

Stay tuned, as I will be posting my remaining 12 songs throughout December 2023.

As for now, here are the lyrics to “Password Paranoia!”:

I read the book – I saw the movie – Binge-watched every episode of the series – I took notes, then from them I wrote a great dissertation – I’m standing in line at the gates of Heaven – Can’t figure this out on my phone as I’m trying to get in – Downloaded the app but still I find myself in this awkward situation – Am I logged in to a different account? I can’t figure it out – This CAPTCHA’s confusing me now – Am I human enough? Artificial intelligence is the judge – Did I get this far to mess it up? What’s my login? What’s my password? What’s my identity anymore? Where’s my way in? What’s this all for? I wish the search for security didn’t make me feel so insecure of my own existence – Can you blame me? I’ve got password paranoia! Can I cash in these points? I did enough to earn them – Turned in my receipts, logged it in to the Excel spreadsheet – Linked it to all my social media accounts – Am I still missing something? Can I cancel my subscription? This process is cryptic – Will you accept my resignation? It should be simple – Why does it feel I’m locked out? Like I’m not allowed into my own life