funny

Leave a comment Posted on fatherhood, funny, parenting, Storytelling, Uncategorized

Dear Jack: Your Proposed Aliens-Themed Birthday Party/The Butt Club

5 years, 9 months.

Dear Jack: Your Proposed “Aliens and Butts” Birthday Party Idea

Dear Jack,

This is your first week of being in Kindergarten all day long. I can tell you love it and that you’re having a good time making new friends.

Based on conversations I’ve been hearing you have with Mommy, apparently you and your new friends have been having meetings on the playground as part of what you call “The Butt Club” where you all “talk about butts.”

I appreciate this concept. It’s like an underground movement where Kindergartner boys can meet secretly to freely discuss the greatness of “butts”; a topic that is taboo in the classroom.

It would be my speculation that “having gas” would be a popular topic of discussion, as you and your friends of The Butt Club talk about butts.

On Tuesday when I came home from work, I handed you a surprise I picked up from the treasure box at the dentist office: a bendable alien toy.

You were so excited when you turned him around and saw that he had a visible butt!

This toy alien gave you much joy, and entertainment, for the rest of the evening; eventually, a clever and original idea was born:

You asked Mommy about having an alien-themed birthday party for when you turn 6 in November. Unsurprisingly, you were quick to also mention the inclusion of “butts” as part of the theme, as well.

We’ve still got 3 months to figure out how to accomplish this theme for your birthday party. Last year, we didn’t have an official party for you, since we took a trip to Florida to celebrate instead.

But with a newborn sister, and a week-long trip to San Diego for Uncle Jake’s wedding at the end of September, another trip in November is unlikely.

So maybe an alien-themed is possible… I’m just not so sure about the butts.

Love,

Daddy

Leave a comment Posted on fatherhood, funny, parenting, Storytelling, Uncategorized

Dear Holly: Dolly the Doppelganger and Belle of the Ball Instagram Posts

15 weeks.

Dolly and Holly. ‪#‎doppelganger‬

Dear Holly,

This past weekend our family didn’t do much, which is very unusual for us. Therefore, the main thing I did was take care of you.

You better believe, though, that it was crucial to keep my phone nearby so I could take some inevitably good pictures of you to share with the world on Instagram.

The first magnificent shot was when Dolly (the doll your Grandma sent you from California, in which your brother Jack adopted as he practiced for you) ended up near your play mat.

It just so happened you were wearing pink and white, just like Dolly. So I placed the doll right next to you, and the magical shot was born.

The rest of the world agreed that Dolly really is your doppelganger!

Then later that afternoon, you spit up on your outfit you were wearing, so Mommy helped you with a wardrobe change.

Dear Holly: Dolly the Doppelganger and Belle of the Ball Instagram Posts

Belle of the ball.

She put you in the dress that Uncle Andrew and Aunt Dana sent you. My immediate thought when I saw you in front of me was, “belle of the ball.”

It instantly became one of my favorite pictures of you, ever. How could it not?

Look at your big smile. Look at the way you appear to be playing in your dress.

Seriously, just look at how beautiful and happy you are!

I know it’s only natural to see my own baby daughter as the prettiest little girl I’ve ever seen, but truly, you are one beautiful baby.

And it only makes sense that you would be, when I look at Mommy.

So while last weekend was seemingly uneventful overall, I was proud to capture two wonderful pictures of you:

One hilarious picture and one adorable picture.

And I see how that’s what kind of little girl you are proving to be already: hilarious, yet beautiful.

Love,

Daddy

Dear Holly: Dolly the Doppelganger and Belle of the Ball Instagram Posts

Leave a comment Posted on funny, Storytelling, Uncategorized

What If Political Bumper Stickers Were Actually Effective in Instantly Converting Those Who See Them?

What If Political Bumper Stickers were Actually Effective in Converting Those Who See Them?

I think the concept of opinionated bumper stickers is hilarious.

Granted, I’m not talking about the ones that are supposed to be hilarious like, “I may be driving slow, but at least I’m in front of you.” That’s intended to be funny, and it is.

Instead, I’m referring to the ones that are meant to apparently convert people’s beliefs and ideology.

The best example of this ridiculous notion is when I see political bumper stickers; which as a commuter in Nashville, is a constant occurrence.

Just imagine: A politically neutral person is at the red light, behind an old Ford pick-up truck with a “Trump for President 2016: Make America Great Again” bumper sticker.

In that moment, a revelation comes over him, as he says to himself, “Yeah, that’s what we need… I can’t believe I never thought about it before. We need Trump to run this country!”

Five minutes later, after having converted from “politically neutral” to “Trump supporter”, this same man is now behind a Nissan Versa. He sees the bumper sticker: Hillary Clinton 2016: I’m With Her.

It’s now as if the man’s whole world has just been rocked. How could he have ever thought Trump was a good idea? Clearly, Hillary Clinton is the way to go.

What a sigh of relief. And yet what an embarrassment that he was ever swayed by that Trump bumper sticker. Fortunately, the Hillary Clinton bumper sticker has now overridden the influence of the one before it.

You can imagine how this story goes on. At each new red light on the commuter’s drive home, he is exposed to a different car with a different political bumper sticker; alternating between Trump and Clinton.

By the time the man finally arrives home, he ultimately choses the candidate he most recently saw the bumper sticker for; whoever that happened to randomly be.

All is well now. He’s made up his mind…

Until the commute back to work in the morning.

Leave a comment Posted on fatherhood, Nostalgia, parenting, politics, Storytelling, Uncategorized

Dear Jack: Scrubby Man to the Rescue!

5 years, 7 months.

Dear Jack: Scrubby Man to the Rescue!

Dear Jack,

On Saturday afternoon before your nap, you agreed to go help Mommy get rid of all the “roly poly” bugs in the garage while I was cleaning up the kitchen from lunch and while your sister Holly was asleep.

By the time I got out to the garage, I discovered you wearing swim goggles, with a broom in your hand. When you saw me, you declared, “Scrubby Man to the rescue!”

I’m still not sure whether Scrubby Man is a super hero or just someone people hire to clean their garage. You looked like and acted like a perfect mix of the two.

In case I haven’t mentioned it, you have a Mommy who is… very into cleaning. I don’t mind that at all. I think it’s a great thing.

It’s just that on my own, I wouldn’t have thought to spend 20 minutes sweeping away all the pill bugs in the garage on a Saturday afternoon. But Mommy is wired to consider things like that.

And it’s good that she is instilling those traits in you.

I seriously love your choice to wear the goggles, though. You never know when dust or roly poly bugs might get in your eyes while sweeping.

Later that afternoon while I was out running an errand for Mommy at Kirkland’s (I wish that sentence sounded manly), you and your sister kept Mommy entertained back at the house.

You put on your famous felt mustache, which made Mommy and your sister laugh.

Now that I’ve had a smart phone for about 8 months, I admit that I still despise having one. I instead wish I could have no phone at all.

But perhaps the one thing I actually appreciate about having a smart phone is the ability to use Instagram. While I own a very nice, high quality camera to take most pictures, sometimes an unplanned Instagram speaks a thousand words that a planned picture with my $600 never could.

Love,

Daddy

2 Comments Posted on funny, parenting, Storytelling, Uncategorized

Dear Jack: 5 “Bad Words” You Use When You’re around People You’re Comfortable With

5 and a half years old.

Dear Jack: 5 “Bad Words” You Use When You’re around People You’re Comfortable With

Dear Jack,

This past weekend, as Mommy’s sister’s family was in town from Pennsylvania, they got to hear all about butts, buttheads, poop, Donald Trump, and eyeballs; all of which are “bad words” in your vocabulary.

With us having very special visitors with us for these 4 days, you got away with taking no naps. And when you take no naps, you are less discreet in your words and actions.

(That’s one of the many reasons I don’t spank you; I don’t believe in physically punishing children because of how they act when they are hungry, tired, lonely, bored or sick– which are the reasons you “act out” when you do.)

In our house, you are not exposed to actual “bad words”. The only time you hear those is when, as the cool dad, I take you out go to see superhero movies– though you obviously don’t recognize the cuss words when you hear them since you don’t know them to begin with.

However, you have your own rolodex of bad words; most of which involve potty humor. The main one is butts.

Dear Jack: 5 “Bad Words” You Use When You’re around People You’re Comfortable With

I remember one time at the dinner table, having not taken a nap that day, you just kept saying, “Bbbuttsss!” then immediately laughing.

You were in a loop. You broke me down after a few times. You had me laughing every time you said it, though I was supposed to be a responsible adult, like Mommy was being.

However, it was indeed Mommy who bought you the book My Dad is a Butthead for the Kindle for when we went on our last major family vacation in Destin, for your 5th birthday- which happened to be exactly 6 months ago today.

(I realize that butts and butthead both have the word “butt” in them, but I consider them separate words in that a butthead is a person.)

As for poop, I suppose it’s always been one of your favorite bad words. That one is simply a given.

But you took it upon yourself to adopt Donald Trump on your list, after hearing that “Donald Trump is a bad word” from watching an episode of Fuller House. Granted, I personally don’t have a probably with you making Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton into bad words, as far as I’m concerned.

Dear Jack: 5 “Bad Words” You Use When You’re around People You’re Comfortable With

Eyeball is my favorite bad word of yours. Like Donald Trump, you decided on your own that this is an inappropriate phrase to use.

I love how you think you’re getting away with saying something sneaky when you shout out the word “eyeball” in vain.

Granted, you don’t say any of these bad words at school; or at least you don’t get in trouble for it if you do.

It’s not just with family that you have no filter with when you are in need of a nap. I remember a few months ago, we were meeting our friend Jarrid Wilson (and his wife and young son). He is a Christian blogger and author.

I’m glad that in the midst of us all having brunch together at Whole Foods, he found it hilarious that the word “butts” kept coming up in conversation.

As long as your bad words consist of butts, buttheads, poop, Donald Trump, and eyeballs, I’m just not too worried about it.

Love,

Daddy