Saturday morning our family drove a few miles down the street to Ms. Aimee’s place, for her to take your official 1 year-old photos. She was your brother’s preschool teacher when he was 4 years-old. It just so happens that her roommate, Ms. Michelle, was his teacher when he was 3 years-old. But neither of them had met you yet.
Actually, it was Ms. Aimee who helped us find the American Girl doll, which was your main birthday gift from us.
During the couple of hours we were there, both Ms. Aimee and Ms. Michelle couldn’t help but keep bringing up what a doll you are; that you literally look like a doll that has come to life; especially when someone sees you in person, as opposed to seeing a picture of you.
They also noticed how content and happy you are. You’re also expecting the best out of people and the best out of the situation. You go along with whatever we’re doing with a big smile on your face as if to say, “Oh, I’ve never done this before. This is going to be fun!”
Mommy and I didn’t give you the middle name Joy simply because we thought it was a cute name for a little girl. We chose it specifically because, as Mommy explains it, “When you think of a little girl with Joy in her name, how could she not be a delight to everyone around her?
For sure, nothing about your middle name is ironic. You are truly a joy to be around.
I love to spend time with you and take care of you, because I know you are a source of light and life.
Yeah, I have to admit: Mommy and I did a great job naming you Holly Joy.
In hindsight, I now realize in some ways, I was a late bloomer. Back when I was a young boy, I was quiet. I lived in fear of anything outside my comfort zone. I didn’t have any self-esteem issues as a kid, but I really just didn’t care to peek outside of the box of what I already knew.
I remember how at the end of each school year that would pass, my teacher for that grade would tell my parents, “Nick has really come out of his shell this year…”
(And yes, that’s funny because my last name is Shell.)
Finally, by the time I got to 8th grade, I was out of my shell. When I graduated high school, I chose to go to college in Virginia, which was 8 hours away from where I grew up. And during those years, I chose to spend two summers on the other side of the world, teaching English in Thailand.
The way I see it, I was starting to make up for lost time. What things did I miss out on as a child because I was too… comfortable?
But now, I’m fundamentally attracted to what is outside of that same box I used to fear to peak out of. Like I recently said, I want to die as the most open-minded old man you know.
As for my son, he will not experience that same kind of character arc from his childhood to his adulthood. Because, he’s already there, when it comes to being eager to explore the world.
He’s not shy. He’s not quiet. He loves to experience and try new things.
I can easily spot some of the reasons he’s so much more mature than I was at his age.
For every year of his life, he’s traveled to California with my wife and me, to visit my wife’s side of the family. He “grew up in daycare” so he was socialized starting at 7 months old. Not to mention, he’s grown up in a major city. He’s used to the fast pace of Nashville.
I think what might help me understand why he and I are so much alike, despite the 29 and a half year age difference, is this:
It could just be my perception of reality, but I feel like it used to be that people would actually visit together at each other’s homes: “We’ve got company coming over this afternoon… time to clean up the house!”
These days, if you get invited over to someone’s house, you undeniably have to ask yourself a very important question, “What modern day pyramid scheme am I being invited to join?”
As far as inviting people over to our house, my wife and I both work full-time; both of us commute about 2 hours round trip Monday through Friday. Saturdays are consumed with buying groceries and going to birthday parties. And Sunday is for church, cleaning the house, and attempting to chill out as a family.
The thought of preparing our house for guests, on top of that? I’m sure my family is not alone in feeling this way.
I can say that because, for the friends who we do hang out with on a regular basis, we rarely visit at each other’s house. It’s easier just to meet up somewhere in the middle, where there’s something for all our kids to do.
Therefore, it’s no bother that for the next several years, our classy living room will be occupied with pink strollers and American Girl dolls; as well as dinosaurs, Legos, and Pokemon paraphernalia; thanks to a 1 year-old little girl and a soon-to-be Kindergarten graduate.
The funny thing is, we have a bonus room upstairs that could easily be “the playroom”. But it’s not central to where the action is: The kitchen is the epicenter of our home and the kitchen is adjoined to the living room, which has now used as a playroom, more than a living room.
I guess playing equates with living when only half of the 4 members of the household are adults.
Even in the rare event we did have guests over, our living room converted into a playroom would simply be… expected. Because this is the norm.
I am writing this blog post for any open-minded Millennial parents who want a new perspective on how to discipline their children, without using physical force. This is not designed to change the minds of anyone who defends spanking; nor do I judge parents who believe in spanking- if I did, I’d be judging 80% of American parents!
After all, I’m the strange one when it comes to child discipline: I represent the 20%, the minority, of American parents in that I don’t spank my children.
“Well I was spanked as a child and I turned out alright-
I’ve never killed anyone and I’ve never been to prison.”
That, by the way, is the cliché line you’ll typically hear from other parents who spank their children. But “not being a murderer” and “never spent time in prison” are not good selling point in defense of spanking a child.
In fact, that concept only reinforces that spanking is counterproductive, or ineffective, at best:
But beyond that, I say this isn’t even a question of, “Well then how do I discipline my child without spanking them?”
No, that’s the wrong thing to be asking.
The right question is this: “How can I proactively prevent my child from misbehaving to begin with, or at least care for their actual needs instead of physically striking them when they do misbehave?”
I am basing my logic from Albert Einstein, who said this:
You’re the parent. Your job is to provide for your child’s needs, not hit them because they have those needs in the first place.
Here’s a reminder that you, the adult, are more much emotionally intelligent than your child, who is not necessarily capable or likely to communicate what is wrong. Instead, they “act out” to get attention from you, as the emotionally intelligent adult, to figure out which of the following issues they need you to solve.
I see the word “misbehave” as the wrong word anyway. Instead, the child is sending the parent a “warning signal” that they need the parent’s help.
It’s this simple. As the parent, your job is to constantly ask yourself this question:
“Is my child tired, hungry, bored, lonely, or sick?”
If the answer is yes to any of those 5 things, then here’s what you do:
You facilitate your child taking a nap, you feed your child, you help your child find a constructive activity to do, you pay them attention, or you provide medical assistance.
Imagine an adult hitting a child’s butt because that child is too emotionally unintelligent to verbally communicate with the parent that they are tired, hungry, bored, lonely, or sick.
Now compare that to my solution.
My son was the first child to be chosen by his Kindergarten teacher this year to as the “Student of the Month” in his class, as his teacher saw that he is not only well-behaved, but also well-balanced and involved in class. He’s also in the Advanced Reader group.
Additionally, at his “before care” school, both his teacher and the director have individually approached me to tell me the same thing:
“I have watched your son day after day. He is the most polite and helpful boy here. Whatever you’re doing as a parent, just know… it’s working.”
Only 20% of American parents don’t spank their children. And I am one of them.
After we put our kids to bed last night, as my wife and I were finishing up doing the the dishes, we were discussing how apparently impossible it is just to eat lunch in peace while at work. Seriously, it’s difficult!
Though we work in offices about 20 miles apart from each other each day, my wife and I live by the same daily habits when he comes to our eating routines: We typically just eat snacks during the work day: I make a smoothie each morning, then have oatmeal during lunch. My wife takes cut up fruit and veggies and hummus.
Then after work, we come home and have a good, solid, healthy meal each night for dinner. That’s what our norm is.
So when we occasionally have a “fun day” and take Ramen Noodles to work, it freaks people out. They can’t handle it. Chaos always follows:
“What’cha eatin’ there? Ramen noodles?”
“Mmmm…. something smells good. Let me take a look in your bowl…”
“Oh, what’s that smell? It’s so strong. It smells like onions or something. Ugh…”
“You can eat Ramen noodles? I don’t know vegans could eat pasta!”
“I thought you ate healthy food. What are you doin’ eatin’ that?”
I think the solution is that I need to acquire some kind of secret military grade invisibility cloak.
That might be the only way to get people who are so easily entertained by the sight of another human being eating Ramen noodles to keep just walking by.
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