Dear Holly: Throwing Water Balloons at the 4th of July Parade

7 years, 2 months.

Dear Holly,

Last week for July 4th, our family was visiting Grandma in California. We had never been there before on that holiday to see their Walnut Grove community parade.

We were invited to hang out with some of Grandma’s friends in their yard for the festivities.

I was very surprised and confused to see Grandma’s neighbors pull out a bucket of water balloons and water guns to attack the participants in the parade.

You and your brother were encouraged to proactively attack the people in the parade floats as they drove by the house.

Granted, they were prepared for battle as well. The fire trucks even used their hose to soak everyone!

It was a one of a kind experience!

 

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack: You Got to Ride in a Hot Rod for the 4th of July!

12 years, 7 months.

Dear Jack,

Last week, I would say you had a dream come true: You were invited to ride in a hot rod on the 4th of July!

As we were setting up our lawn chairs in Grandma’s neighbors’ driveway, you couldn’t help but notice the festive classic car parked out front.

It didn’t take the neighbor long to realize you are as crazy about cars as he is, so he decided to drive you around the block, right before the parade started.

For you, it was a whole lot better than actually being in the parade!

Love,

Daddy

What Do Vegans Eat for the 4th of July? Just Ask Me, The Manliest Vegan on the Internet!

It’s understood in our American culture that a real man takes pride in eating bacon, sausage, and beef.

Especially on July 4th. He simply (and ironically) laughs in the face of high cholesterol and onset diabetes.

Why? Because it’s manly to eat meat.

And because… ‘Merica!

How else could a man possibly get enough protein?

However, I am currently taking America by storm, as I am stumping both scientists and sociologists alike…

They are being forced to take notice that I am in deed the manliest vegan on the Internet, yet I am still alive and well.

Miraculously, I am perfectly in the correct height/weight/age range. I not overweight nor underweight. In other words… I’m getting enough protein.

How is it that I am not a walking skeleton? Why does I seem so happy and content in life? 

I am currently baffling our nation, as Americans everywhere are trying to wrap their minds around the fact that I haven’t eaten any pork (which includes bacon and sausage) in 8 and a half years, any meat at all in 5 and a half years, and no eggs or dairy in over 4 years.

My protein comes from six sources:

Veggies, fruit, beans, grains, nuts, and seeds.

So what does a manly vegan eat on July 4th? Whatever I want, as long as it consists of veggies, fruit, beans, grains, nuts, and seeds.

For this July 4th, my wife made a vegan lasagna (containing noodles and veggies) and some vegan sausage by Field Roast Grain Meat Co. as well. And I liked it.

I didn’t feel left out. I didn’t feel victimized. And I didn’t feel jealous.

Why? Because I am the manliest vegan on the Internet.

Instead, other men surely felt left out that they are not part of my manly vegan club.

(Mic dropped.)

 

Dear Jack: Novelty Fireworks in the Cul-de-Sac for July 4th

5 years, 7 months.

Dear Jack: Novelty Fireworks in the Cul-de-Sac for July 4th

Dear Jack,

My philosophy on fireworks for the 4th of July is this: Enjoy the entertainment in which our neighbors provide as they go all-out on fireworks; meanwhile, we’ll spend $13 on novelty items to get the show started.

And that’s exactly what happened this year.

Dear Jack: Novelty Fireworks in the Cul-de-Sac for July 4th

After we finished dinner Monday night, I set up a folding chair for Mommy and Holly in the driveway. Then you and I went to work.

The show started with you blasting through 50 Mega Snaps, about a dozen of which were instant casualties when they fell out of the box as you were opening it.

Dear Jack: Novelty Fireworks in the Cul-de-Sac for July 4th

Next I lit the ladybug, but unfortunately, nothing happened. The fuse burned up and that was it. Bummer.

I think even Holly was disappointed on that one.

Dear Jack: Novelty Fireworks in the Cul-de-Sac for July 4th

You were very excited about the American flag themed tank, which of course, was made in China. It provided a nice explosion. We both liked how it was smoking afterwards, like it just came out of battle.

Dear Jack: Novelty Fireworks in the Cul-de-Sac for July 4th

The smoke bombs remain to be one of your favorite types of fireworks every year; though you and your friend Aiden didn’t appreciate the sulfur smell.

Dear Jack: Novelty Fireworks in the Cul-de-Sac for July 4th

Both you and Mommy decided it was best that I handle the sword, once we learned what it actually did; which was to shoot sparks out for about a minute straight.

Dear Jack: Novelty Fireworks in the Cul-de-Sac for July 4th

We finished off our family’s fireworks show with the most curious item: the Poopy Puppy.

It was impossible not to laugh: He shot sparks out his rear-end, spun around, “pooped” out ashes, and then self-destructed by catching on fire.

Dear Jack: Novelty Fireworks in the Cul-de-Sac for July 4th

Dear Jack: Novelty Fireworks in the Cul-de-Sac for July 4th

By that time, our neighbors came out with the real fireworks and we got to relax, as spectators, watching the explosions in the air, as neighbors from nearby cul-de-sacs tried to compete for glory.

Ah, the cul-de-sac life.

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack: Novelty Fireworks in the Cul-de-Sac for July 4th

Dear Jack: The Jurassic World Hero Mashers/Fireworks Scandal

5 years, 7 months.

Dear Jack: The Jurassic World Hero Mashers/Fireworks Scandal

Dear Jack,

Two weekends ago, Mommy budgeted us $20 to spend on fireworks for 4th of July. However, Nonna had just visited and given you one of my old Lego moon rover vehicles (still intact from 1990), as well as a $2 bill that you were eager to spend along with the three dollars’ worth in quarters you already had in your wallet.

I decided to make a father-and-son afternoon out of the event. First, I made you go to Goodwill with me to pick up a couple $5 short sleeve shirts I needed for the summer.

Dear Jack: The Jurassic World Hero Mashers/Fireworks Scandal

After I was all set, we drove down to the big tent and checked out the inventory. I explained to you that we would let all the neighbors spend the big bucks. As for us, we were just there to buy the fun stuff.

Of course, I was scheming with the budget, too. I let you pick out several items, which only totaled $13. That included a Poopy Puppy, a ladybug, a tank, smoke bombs, some Mega Snaps, and a sword.

Dear Jack: The Jurassic World Hero Mashers/Fireworks Scandal

That left $7 from the fireworks budget, combined with your $2 bill and $3 in quarters, making a total of $12. I surprised you by taking you to Toys “R” Us.

The thing you wanted most was a Jurassic World Hero Mashers T-Rex set, which was on clearance for $15; it normally sold for about $23.

Dear Jack: The Jurassic World Hero Mashers/Fireworks Scandal

I pitched in a few dollars to cover the small difference as well as tax. From there, we drove about 10 minutes down the Interstate to go see the new Ninja Turtles movie. Three times during that short drive, you proclaimed with much excitement:

“Daddy, I love this toy. It’s the coolest!”

That made me quite proud of my scheme.

Dear Jack: The Jurassic World Hero Mashers/Fireworks Scandal

You ended up liking your Jurassic World Hero Mashers set so much like you actually sold some of your older toys you haven’t played with since we moved in our new house a year and a half ago.

With that money, you schemed with Mommy online and realized you basically could buy 4 more of the dinosaurs!

So next Tuesday, you’ll have a special package arriving. I will surely come home to see to see a T-Rex’s head on a pterodactyl’s body.

Sometimes it’s just good to scheme.

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack: The Jurassic Park Hero Mashers/Fireworks Scandal