My Prediction on Who Ali Fedotowsky Will Choose for the Finale, Plus “The Men Tell All”

Seriously, it’s my job to mockingly keep a count of how many times Kasey says “guard and protect your heart”, not Chris Harrison’s.

Currently stealing my thunder and my idea of the "Ali Tally".

The Bachelors did a good job of making fun of themselves and each other, like when Kasey sang a newly written song for Ali entitled “You Left Me on a Glacier” and when Craig challenged Justin to an olive oil wrestling match.  That means there’s not a lot for me to do here today as far as recapping.  But still, my job is to pick out the idiosyncrasies of the show, calling out its the subtle and almost hidden agendas.  And thanks to Justin, “Bachelor Pad”, Jessie Sulidis and Kirk,  I’m still able to do that.

America is supposed to equate this man with a Communist spy.

Agenda #1: Get everyone to agree that Justin did a bad thing.  What an easy target.  We’ve all already established what he did was stupid back when his final episode air, but just to make sure we realize that Justin committed a cowardly reality TV show crime, Chris Harrison gave anyone on set a chance to throw a stone at the memory of the three-timing Canadian wrestler.

Agenda #2: Advertise for the new upcoming trashy Bachelor spin-off called “Bachelor Pad”.  Of course it looks like something Fox would have aired circa 2001.  Needless to say, I will not be recapping any episodes of it, nor will I be tempted to watch it.  Chris Harrison told us it has everything that Bachelor fans want to see; more like everything Rock of Love fans want to see…

Agenda #3: Give Jessie Sulidis more unnecessary air time to attempt to kick-start her acting career.  (Her resume is all over the Internet.)

"Most Likely to Succeed in Being Picked as the Next Bachelor"

Agenda #4: Try out Kirk as the new Bachelor.  Same thing happened with Jake Pavelka on “The Men Tell All” last year.  He’s the only Bachelor they put in the “hot seat” without trying to embarrass.  Kirk was portrayed sympathetically as a guy who “got his heart broken on a journey to find love”.

My Prediction on Who Ali Chooses:

Call me old-fashioned, but I’m not a cheater.  While it would be pretty easy to find out Ali’s pick from some blabbermouth website with about 45 seconds of research, I choose to wait like the rest of the country until it’s officially announced next week.  From just nine short weeks ago, when I did my first recap for Ali’s season, here were my initial thoughts, as cited in Ali Fedotowsky the Bachelorette: Episode 1- Cowboy Boots.

Predictions of who will “win”, if anyone:

My wife- Frank

Me- Roberto

Our mutual runner-up: Chris L. from Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Well, if Frank wouldn’t have ended up already having an Italian girlfriend back home in Chicago, he would have obviously been the winner of this thing.  And while Chris seems like a solid choice, he’s probably more like the kind of guy who should be chosen as the next Bachelor, not end up with the current Bachelorette.  But since, as previously mentioned, the Bachelor producers have already decided that Kirk gets that coveted role, it looks like Chris will be left out in the cold.  Literally, in Cape Cod.

Roberto, with his soap opera good looks, will be the one Ali chooses.  And if I’m right about that, I will be quite amazed I predicted it right from the first episode.  If nothing else, I should give myself a pat on the back, for the right reasons, of predicting the Top 3 along with my wife.

But ultimately, it’s all meaningless.  While Ali chooses Roberto, I see it as a short-lived thing.  Like really short.  Maybe three weeks.  This is not a spoiler, just a gut-driven prediction.

If I’m wrong, my reputation as a writer is on the line and you’ll never read one of my recaps ever again.  If I’m right, then it means I’m really good at analyzing The Bachelorette and making accurate predictions.  In the words of the Simon & Garfunkel song “Mrs. Robinson”: “Either way you look at this you lose…”

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The Mute Button (Laryngitis)

 I have become Larry N. Gitus.

There were certain plot devices that seemed to be especially rampant in sitcoms and movies of the 1980’s.  Like quicksand.  Good thing there was always conveniently a drooping branch or vine hanging off a nearby tree in which the sinking character was could grab onto, often thanks to the assistance of a timely passerby or a heroic Labrador Retriever. 

Another one was amnesia.  Began three minutes into the episode and lasted until three minutes from the end of it, when the character would get hit on the head and instantly remember who they were and gain their normal personality back. 

The third exhausted plot device of the 1980’s that comes to mind is the one I’ve been suffering with for the past two days: laryngitis.  Whenever the weather goes through an extreme change (it’s been cold and rainy for the past two months, then finally, this weekend, Nashville switched gears to a hot and sunny climate again) my body suffers some sort of random condition. 

Like painful sinus pressure in my teeth.  Or sensitive body aches.  Or lack of appetite. 

But this time, I lost my voice.  Yesterday all I could do was whisper.  No vocal tone whatsoever.  As for today, my best moments have been the phantom groups of 15 minutes where I could talk, but sound like Brad Garrett (the Jewish actor who played the Italian character Robert Barone, Raymond’s older brother on Everybody Loves Raymond).  I sound like a victim of scandal being interviewed on 20/20, having my voice disguised with a voice modulator.  But that’s only when I’m lucky.

During my usual bike ride through the park during my lunch break, a guy ahead of me was walking while talking on his Blue Tooth, in the middle of the path.  There was no way to warn him I was coming up behind him.  So I just moved to the edge of one side to stay out of his way.  But I still really scared him as I slowed down to ride past him.  Too bad I didn’t have a bull horn. 

Then I could have scared him even more.

Losing my voice has only happened to me one other time, and that was only for half a day.  I’m hoping to be able to speak by the end of the week.  It’s very frustrating as the event planner of my family (my dad is the mechanic/carpenter, my brother-in-law is the computer whiz) not being able to call everyone to make plans for Memorial Day. 

Text messages and emails are a good thing, but still there’s nothing like being able to use words out loud.

But until I get my voice back, I least I can write.  It would have been a horrible week not to, with the finale of LOST and the premiere of Ali Fedotowsky’s Bachelorette season in the same week.

Like a young child just learning to speak but who is frustrated because they can only get certain phrases out that make sense to other people, so am I.  Not to mention the frustration I constantly try to manage amidst all the well-meaning people around me who think it’s funny that I sound like Donald Duck or a big dumb ape.  

And the irony is, I’d laugh with them all as they tease me.  If only I literally could.