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Songs I Wrote in 2023: “Apology Tour” – 3rd of 13

I spent most of 2023 writing a book about Enneagram, which I plan to have published in early 2024. During the process, I ended up unpacking a lot of personal issues I have been carrying with me. Specifically, one of the things I learned is that I have a lifelong habit of being very critical of myself, while assuming that everyone else is just as critical of me… which is not actually the case.

In the opening chapter of my upcoming Enneagram book, I began my paraphrasing the lyrics of this song:

I keep beating myself up over all the stupid stuff I did and said – You probably don’t remember it but I’ve carried this with me – I didn’t forget, even if you did – I keep beating myself up – Too much is never enough – I’ve still got one foot in the doorway – You may have moved on but I guess I stayed – I didn’t forget, even if you did – I’m going on an apology tour – Gonna make things right from my former life – Going on an apology tour – Gonna tell you I’m sorry – Better late than never – I’ll be coming to your town – Gonna turn this thing around – I’ll be knocking at your door – Gonna settle this thing for sure – On my upcoming apology tour – What if the only evidence of my crime is locked away in my mind? Perhaps a tree has fallen in the forest and I’m the only one who heard it – I didn’t forget, even if you did – Would it make me a better person if I convinced you I learned my lesson? Would you be able to see I’m a different me than the one who lived in less humility? I didn’t forget, even if you did

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Songs I Wrote in 2023: “What’s Mine is Yours and Always Was” – 2nd of 13

In my 2nd song I wrote this year, I thought deeply about how children never have the opportunity to accept an invitation into this world, yet we as parents bring them here, for better and for worse.

This mirrors how God as our Creator does not ask us if we wanted to exist either, yet we are brought into a world where we become responsible and accountable for our decisions and actions.

Specifically, I wrote this song for my son. I reference how I have followed him around with a camera his whole life, as I have documented the story of his life on my website; ever since my wife and I found out she was pregnant with him.

I reference the Bible, in comparing my vision for him in the way God describes his relationship with us.

In these lyrics, I also point out how my own perception of time is undeniably based on my observation of him growing up.

Here are the lyrics to “What’s Mine is Yours and Always Was”:

I’m sorry, I never thought to ask – Did you want to be born into this world where nothing is ever promised how long it will last? Was I lonely? Was it selfish of me to give you life when I’m confused by mine? This place is not exactly what I’d call paradise – One day is thousand years – A lifetime of souvenirs – Good memories to overcome our shame and fears – The days are long and the years are short – I’ve seen it all but there still is more – Getting close to point where you can take it from here – I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper – Not to harm you, no – Plans to give you hope – I know the plans I have for you, plans for a future – No matter what you do, I’m still gonna love you – What’s mine is yours and always was – What’s mine is yours – It always was – With my camera, I followed you your entire life – I hope you didn’t mind – I may not be inside the shot, but I was always there – When you’re older, I hope you look back and see the ways I gave you all I had – I was always far from perfect but I was always there

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Songs I Wrote in 2023: “Password Paranoia!” – 1st of 13

Perhaps I am accidentally becoming the official poet laureate of your social media circle, if you’re reading this now.

Something multiple people have told me this year is this: “Your songs seem a lot like poems, actually.”

I have been writing a minimum of a dozen songs each year, ever since 2020. I realize now that it has become, and still is, my way of providing therapy for myself, as I openly admit I am exploring my way through my midlife crisis/existential crisis.

There is undeniably something consistent in my ability to extract my subconscious thoughts, concerns, and fascinations when I make the effort and take the time to write a new song.

By composing chord progressions, curating melodies, and writing down lyrics, I discover what is needing to be revealed from the inside. Sometimes it’s simply a nuance or trend I am noticing about culture. Other times, I learn a fundamental aspect about how I perceive the world, that I could not have otherwise known.

As I close out 2023, I feel it is important for me to analyze the meaning and inspiration behind each song I have written this year.

The first is “Password Paranoia!”. After I wrote this song, I realized this is a universally relevant concept right now. As a society, we indeed have a collective anxiety about feeling locked out of our own lives, thanks to modern technology.

A common theme in so many of my songs from these past several years is my honesty about having doubts in my faith but choosing to talk through them and ask difficult, uncomfortable questions. Even in this somewhat lighthearted song, I still make a reference to my back room fear that I am still not capable of knowing God.

Stay tuned, as I will be posting my remaining 12 songs throughout December 2023.

As for now, here are the lyrics to “Password Paranoia!”:

I read the book – I saw the movie – Binge-watched every episode of the series – I took notes, then from them I wrote a great dissertation – I’m standing in line at the gates of Heaven – Can’t figure this out on my phone as I’m trying to get in – Downloaded the app but still I find myself in this awkward situation – Am I logged in to a different account? I can’t figure it out – This CAPTCHA’s confusing me now – Am I human enough? Artificial intelligence is the judge – Did I get this far to mess it up? What’s my login? What’s my password? What’s my identity anymore? Where’s my way in? What’s this all for? I wish the search for security didn’t make me feel so insecure of my own existence – Can you blame me? I’ve got password paranoia! Can I cash in these points? I did enough to earn them – Turned in my receipts, logged it in to the Excel spreadsheet – Linked it to all my social media accounts – Am I still missing something? Can I cancel my subscription? This process is cryptic – Will you accept my resignation? It should be simple – Why does it feel I’m locked out? Like I’m not allowed into my own life

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Dear Jack: A Perfect Picture of You as a Teenager

13 years old.

Dear Jack,

You’re now a couple of weeks into being a teenager and I am now seeing everything you do through that lens.

Last week while we were in Alabama for Thanksgiving, you spent some time with your cousins. For a day or so there, I honestly had no clue where you were nor what you were doing. I just knew you were having a good time and in good hands, with Aunt Dana and Uncle Andrew keeping you entertained.

Aunt Dana sent me a silly photo of you, going cross-eyed over ice cream; with your cool hairstyle and sports-themed clothing.

She provided no explanation nor caption.

I simply responded to her, “That checks out.”

Love,

Daddy

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Dear Holly: Upgrading to a Big Bowl Now, Like the Rest of Our Family

7 years, 7 months.

Dear Holly,

I make every effort on my end to capture and document each little moment of you growing up. This week was when you decided it was time to upgrade from the smaller, plastic “kid friendly” bowl you have been using to eat from your entire life, to the regular ceramic bowls that the rest of our family eats from.

With you being our “baby”, I always perceive it as a delicate balance between encouraging you to become more independent and to still appreciate being young.

Part of the special connection you and I have is that I unashamedly am going through my official midlife/existential crisis, while you help remind me each day how to notice and enjoy the simple things.

Love,

Daddy