My entire life, I had always wanted a white Christmas tree. It seemed that it would simply add to the Christmas magic.
I had totally forgotten, but last year after Christmas, Mommy ordered a new Christmas tree for our home- and the decision in our family was unanimous in choosing a white tree! So this past weekend, we set up the new white Christmas tree as a family, for the first time.
I insisted we take a family photo in front of it before we left to go to church on Sunday morning. Fortunately, Mommy shouted out, “Now let’s do a silly one!”
As I mentioned earlier in this series, one of the reoccurring themes in the songs I write is where I am sorting the doubts of my faith.
I wish I could move past the thoughts I address in this song. Maybe one day I can, though I already know that in the end, it’s a matter of me accepting that I am not in control and there is no way to prove it either way while I am still alive.
In the end, I suppose there is ultimately a 50/50 chance of being right about my Christian faith. Despite the odds, despite my obsession with unpacking concepts through logic, I am choosing to believe:
I don’t know how to feel – I don’t know what to do with this – Will I be thrown in the sea with a millstone around my neck? I believe I have enough doubt for a Baptist preacher to leave the faith – Will I be thrown in the sea? Like Jonah, am I the problem? Is this how I touch the scars of Your hands and thrust my fingers in Your side? What’s it like to just not question things when a lack of logic is what I find? I’m St. Doubting Thomas – I’m hanging on, Lord – I promise – If I were God, which I’m not, would I make people in my own image, then set them up to fail with The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil? In a spiritual sense, you could say I’ve got daddy issues – I feel like an abandoned child held over the flames of hell like a toasting marshmallow – I find this narrative odd – Is it the Wizard of Oz back there? It’s a cryptic riddle – We’re all trapped in the middle – Should I put reason to rest and pretend?
While writing my Enneagram book this year, I was inspired to compose a song about Enneagram 4. My son is a 5 wing 4, so I have definitely witnessed his need for a “rescuer”, though he won’t let it be me because I continually make myself too available for him.
Here is the song this concept inspired:
You think you need a rescuer – Someone to help you feel special – You think it could never be me because I’m not the one who’s out of reach – It’s a complex where you see yourself as different – Like an outsider could never understand it – But I’m standing here describing it to you – Maybe I need a rescuer too? What if all this time you believed a lie that something was missing in you? What if all this time everything you needed was never out of view? What if you only chase the things that always run away? What if you never embrace the things that ever keep you safe in this world? What if all this time I was more than qualified to empathize with you? What if all this time I could see the blind spots that covered your eyes?
At the time I wrong this song, I had not yet realized that I was an Enneagram 9. Through the process of writing my book, I suppose my true self was beginning to reveal itself.
I also feel that part of the process of maturing as an adult is to gain a healthier view of the world by avoiding extreme views and accepting the middle ground; therefore, you begin to see people as more human in the process:
I never need to take a side – I don’t need to be right – Somewhere in the middle – I’d rather keep it simple – That’s where I’ll be- The in-between – Ain’t got time for arguments – I’m making time for common sense – What a waste with these debates – Echo chambers – Nothing changes made up minds – What a waste of time – Not gonna fight you – Nor try to spite you – I’m making peace and taking names – Where are my enemies? Who are my enemies? I can’t think of anyone who needs my hate instead of love – I only want the best for you – We’re not in competition – We’re on the same team – That’s the way you look to me – My strategy is to compromise – My battle plan is to bridge this divide – Somewhere in the middle – I’d rather keep it simple – That’s where I’ll be- The in-between
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