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For Better AND for Worse; Marriage and Parenthood

May 24, 2011 at 3:33 pm , by 

Six months.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Vanilla Sky, starring Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, and Penelope Cruz.  Most people I know have never even seen it, or if they have, they didn’t “get it.”  But for me, it’s one of those rare beautiful movies that helps me appreciate life more every time I watch it. My favorite quote from Vanilla Sky is said by Jason Lee, who plays Brian Shelby:

“You can do whatever you want with your life, but one day you’ll know what love truly is. It’s the sour and the sweet. And I know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet.”

Life is not typically so permanently polarized one way or the other.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when by default it’s easier to focus on the negative, which coincidentally are the times I realize my thoughts are very self-centered.  And of course there are days when by default it’s easier to focus on the positive, which unsurprisingly are often the times I realize my thoughts are focused outwardly- towards others and the world outside of my head.  On top of how negatively or positively or inwardly or outwardly each day is going, there are additionally daily circumstantial events which often direct how life will be that particular day.

So for me, the phrase “for better or for worse” in our traditional marriage ceremonies misses the mark a bit.  Because the reality of marriage is that there are “better days,” “worse days,” and all of what’s in between.  ”For better or for worse” almost implies that life will either turn out one way or the other.  Sure, there are extreme better or worse ways life could turn out, but likely, life will be filled with both better and worse times- not either/or.

But whereas whom we marry is completely our own choice (at least in America it is), my son didn’t choose to be born into this world.  Ultimately, my wife and I had a major part in making that decision.  I am Jack’s father, for better and for worse.  There will be a lot of things I do right in parenting him.  And there will be plenty of times, when despite my best efforts, I fall short or even fail completely.

It helps knowing that even my best will be nowhere near perfect and that even my worst will be nowhere near tragic.  I am a dad, for better and for worse.  For sweet and for sour.

 

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Welcome to “The Dadabase” (Archives From Parents.com)

May 23, 2011 at 10:12 am , by 

Six months.

Somewhere between wrenches and Rubik’s Cubes…

Hello, my name is Nick Shell.  And I am a daddy blogger.

My wife Jill and I have a 6 month old son named Jack.  (I’m a very nostalgic, chronologically obsessed kind of guy, so at the top of every post I place a caption telling how old Jack is when I wrote that entry).  That’s right; I live with Jack and Jill.  Sure, it was a little tempting to reference that familiar nursery rhyme along with my almost-weird last name in the naming of this blog.  Like I could have named this, Jack and Jill in a Nut Shell.

But I am a guy, so I don’t do “cute.”  I do practical. With the name of this daddy blog, I wanted to allude to the idea that a man’s perspective of parenting is a bit offbeat when compared to the more easily recognizable viewpoint of the beautiful and poetic female mind.  So for you moms out there who wonder what your hubby is really thinking about this whole dad thing, I might be able to shed some light on the subject.  Granted, I’m not claiming to represent all or even most husbands and fathers, but I’m sure I will often hit close to “the dadabase.”

And for dads out there- hey, I know there’s not as much reading material out there for us.  Just like I’m very aware of the fact that it’s much easier to find baby clothes that say “I love Mommy,” as compared to ones that say “I love Daddy.”  I, too, am bothered by the fact that so many men have compromised the connotation of the word “father”, and “dad”, and even the word “man.”  So I admit that much of my inspiration as a daddy blogger is to re-brand fatherhood as the glorious thing that it is.  I’m tired of dads being represented by goofy schlubs who don’t remember their wedding anniversary until the last minute and who don’t know how to behave in public without making a mess of something.

For my blog’s logo, I chose a wrench.  In The Dadabase, I will not just be writing about my son and all the wonderful things he does and is.  Just as important, I will be writing about my role as a husband and father.  Therefore, I decided that a metaphorical wrench is the perfect symbol for us men.  Because it’s our job to fix things.

Why is it such a struggle for us to just listen to our wives without giving advice, which is often all they really want in the first place- to be heard and understood? It’s like waving a red ball in front of a yellow lab, pretending to throw it, then being amused when the dog runs to go try to find the ball that was never thrown. We are wired to fix things when we are presented with a problem. We are creative and inventive, so whether that wrench is physical or psychological, we not only use the metaphorical (or actual) wrench to adjust and tighten the loose parts in our lives: Sometimes we use that same wrench to take things apart, in order to learn how they work.

And that brings me to the Rubik’s Cube I referenced in the title.  Men are naturally more “black and white” and formulaic than women.  While the Rubik’s Cube is equally frustrating as it is intimidating to so many people, those of us who can solve it in less than five minutes know that once you simply memorize the algorithms and when to apply them, the Rubik’s Cube is no more difficult than learning how to beat King Hippo on the classic Nintendo game, Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.

Not only are we men wired to fix things, we’re also wired to solve puzzles and crack codes.  And that’s important because, let’s face it- when it comes to being a parent, we are constantly figuring this thing out as we go.  So what can you expect from this daddy blog of mine?  You can catch a glimpse of the rarely published mindset of an American father… who just happens to be inconspicuously clued in.

I will be writing 25 posts per month, which averages out to around 5.5 times each week.  Plus, anytime you want to travel back in time and catch the story from the very beginning, just look on the right hand side of the screen and you will see the archives for my daddy blogging- all the way back to April 13th, 2010.

Sometimes, you will totally agree with my opinions and my take on fatherhood- you will appreciate what I have served up that morning for “blogfast” (note to self: copyright the destined-to-be-trendy word, “blogfast”)and you will “like” it on Facebook, and/or Tweet it.  Other times, you may feel I am so quirky that I’m kooky; disagreeing with my “wrong opinion” so much that you throw your shoe at your computer screen.  In either case, I’m still the same guy you either liked or didn’t like the day before.

You get it all; the good, the bad (which often translates as “politically incorrect”), and the abstract.  This is my unfiltered (yet family friendly) take on parenting from a dad’s perspective.  I strongly value the importance of authenticity.  So that’s right- unlike a “reality TV show,” there are no camera crews or producers or writers telling me what to say or what not to say. This is real life.  And I am a real dude.

Welcome to The Dadabase.

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New Infographic: Firework Safety- July 4th In America

It’s now common knowledge that we as parents in 2014 can’t raise our own kids the same way we were raised back in 1984. A lot has changed in 30 years!

An easy example is how it “used to be okay” to ride in the back of a pick-up truck; or even ride in a car without a seat belt- it’s actually against the law now.

My personal pet peeve in this category is, on Facebook, seeing pictures of a child on a riding lawnmower with their grandfather or dad. I’ve seen 2nd hand a couple of stories (which is too many!) of the child falling off and being seriously injured from the incident.

Some of those things that were once normal and acceptable, and even American, are now headed towards the status of taboo.

Right now I can’t not mention fireworks. Just a few weeks ago I was talking with my parents and my sister about how ridiculously unsafe the fireworks were that we used to play with back in the 80s. The concept of sparklers alone… Really?

Granted, I’m not against fireworks. In fact, I am very much looking for to using them next weekend for July 4th with my family.

In particular, we are trying to get our hands on some of those stupid made-in-China chickens that explode; along with some tanks. (Nothing says “Happy 4th of July” like celebrating with flags and fireworks that were made in China, while driving cars dependent on fuel from the Middle East. Oops… too political, sorry!)

This perfectly-timed infographic, “July 4th In America- Firework Safety” is worth checking out. In case I haven’t established this fact yet, I love infographics!

So enjoy your fireworks next Friday, and if I have anything to say about it, please keep your kids off of riding lawn mowers. I know I will.

 

fireworks-safety

Infographic Source: Instant Checkmate.

 

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dad from day one: My Big Secret is that Parents.com has Chosen Me as Their Official Daddy Blogger- Now Introducing “The Dadabase”

Six months.

The picture above was cropped for my new header.

One of my favorite movies of all time is the so-relevant-to-real-life Marley and Me– which is based on the autobiographical book of the same name. The author and main character is John Grogan, a newspaper columnist who captures his everyday life in stories in his column.  The first time I saw Marley and Me, I remember thinking, “That would be so cool to have such a widely read column.” Around the same time, in 2009, my wife bought me two “how to become a writer” books for my birthday.  I had the inspiration and the guidance, I just didn’t have the right story topic yet.

A year later, my wife and I found out we were going to have a baby.  The idea came to me to become the only dad in history to document my fatherly thoughts and perspective every single week on a blog, starting with the beginning of the pregnancy.  So on April 13, 2010, I wrote my first “dad from day one” entry.  And today, technically, I write my last.

From this picture I sent in to the Parents.com staff, they designed my new logo.

Here’s why: Parents.com, the website for Parents magazine (first published in 1926), has decided to pick up my daddy blog series; starting today, right now, at the conclusion of this post with a link.  “Dad from day one” is being rebooted into something much bigger, yet it will still be faithful to its roots.  (And I’ll still be writing my “nonparenting” posts here on NickShell.com).  I decided to go with a new name for my daddy blog that I felt will be most appropriate, since I’m the only daddy blogger for Parents.com’s new featured blogs.

I needed some help coming up with the perfect name, though.  So I recruited the help of my facebook friends, and Diana Jung Taub had the idea to play off of the word “data.”  I added the word “base,” then my wife gave me the official article “the.”

I liked the idea of Jack’s hand holding on to my finger, a symbol of fatherly strength.

The Dadabase will pick up right where “dad from day one” is leaving off.  But whereas “dad from day one” has been a weekly series (I wrote at least one post each week for it), The Dadabase will basically be a daily series.  I am contracted to write a minimum of 4 posts per week and can write a maximum of 25 each month.  If I write the maximum, which predictably is what I am planning to do, that’s around 5.5 posts per week.

With Parents magazine’s already existing paid circulation of 2 million people and a total readership of 15 million people, my daddy blog is about to hit an instant growth spurt- a pretty big one.  I’m good at keeping secrets (I’ve known about this since March as I’ve been in a nearly daily contact with the editors up in New York City) but I’m so happy to finally share the news with you, my faithful readers.

My little blog is growing up, just like my little boy, who this whole thing is about in the first place.

Okay, welp… it’s time to shut down the lights in this little place and move all my stuff to that high rise apartment in the sky.  I’m movin’ on up- and I’m taking you with me.

Enter:  The Dadabase.

(Click on the the underlined phrase above this sentence to be transported there, it’s the link…)

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dad from day one: Jack is Now Six Months Old, Officially Has Blue Eyes and Weighs 19.2 Pounds

Week 26 (6 months).

Despite the cliche, “they grow up so fast,” I will admit that these past six months have been the quickest six months of my life.  And yes, Jack has definitely sprouted up very quickly.  Six months ago my wife and I held a baby in our arms, with zero personal experience.  Now, we have no longer have a newborn, but instead an infant.  An infant who can eat ground up fruits, veggies, and grains- not just formula.  Who is attempting to crawl.  Who is outgrowing his original car seat.

And I’ve been waiting until Jack turned six months old to officially say what has been pretty obvious for a while now: Jack has blue eyes.  I know there was a possibility that his eyes could get darker up until this point.  I never thought that it was even possible for my wife and I to have a blue eyed child.  It’s pretty funny, actually.

Not only has Jack changed in so many big ways since November 16th, 2011.  But I have as well.  You can’t be a parent and not become a different person in the process.  Even in just six month’s time.  Especially in the first six month’s time.

Am I writing this morning about Jack or myself?  Equally both, at best.  At age 29, when we found out we were going to have a baby, I had reached a point in my life where I evidently stopped growing and maturing as a person.  And since he was born, I’ve made up for any lost time as far as personal development.

I’ve undergone so many changes in the last six months that the best and perfect comparison would be to Desmond on Lost, who traveled in and out of time, disoriented of where and “when” he was.  I do feel spaced out, in the most literal way that the phrase “spaced out” can be used.  I’m trying to remember what it means to “be myself,” when becoming a father obviously changes that version of “myself” who I completely understood and had figured out.

Of course, these “who am I?” sort of thoughts aren’t red flags for some kind of personal crisis.  Instead, this is just me pointing out that I (and I assume other first time parents, too) undergo so many changes in their life at once that they have to take time to deliberately and specifically figure out who this new person is that they’ve become.  Not a bad version of who they are; just the different version that is required of them in becoming a parent.

By no means does a person stop growing up just because they turn 30.  Instead, some of the greatest maturity is happening at that age, for me.  And at six months old, I think it’s safe to say that Jack is experiencing some of the same thoughts in his own little baby brain.  The question is whether or not he’s more spaced out than I am.