Spirituality

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I Love You So Much That It Hurts

I can’t speak for most men, but there are certain emotions I really only feel thanks to my relationship with my wife and my kids.

Time is constantly passing and the future is never guaranteed. There’s both joy and sadness in watching my kids grow up a little bit more each day. There’s both joy and sadness in knowing I love my wife to the point I made a pact to grow old together with her, yet one of us is undeniably going to outlive the other.

Life is a gift and time is all we have. I love my wife and my kids so much that it hurts.

But… aside from these thoughts, my brain is not wired to think outside of a certain operating system.

Something I have learned this year after jokingly making my New Year’s Resolution to “be more vulnerable and connected to my emotions”, is that as a man, I mainly only operate using a few select emotions:

Joy, passion, creativity, assertiveness, and “chill”.

Accordingly, my subconscious directs me away from expressing or even feeling any of the vulnerable emotions like shame, fear and anxiety. Otherwise, I would take it as a personal attack that I am “associating myself with weakness”.

This year I had to come to terms with the fact that my personality is much more intense than most people’s. But after enough family members, friends, and coworkers all were describing me the same way, I began to accept that the way I operate is not necessarily the norm.

It has only been the past couple of months I have allowed myself to be “vulnerable” enough to embrace that I am the Challenger; known as Enneagram 8.

Or in Myers-Briggs, an ESTP.

Yes, I’m friendly. But I’m not a “nice guy”.

Yes, I’m a very social person. But I have strong personal boundaries.

No, I do not want to carpool with you. I want to leave when I want to leave.

No, we’re not going to split the check. I’m going to tell the waiter up front that these are on separate checks.

And while I do care to a certain extent that people like me, I am acutely aware that if everyone likes me, it’s probably a sign that I am doing something wrong- because I live by the fact that “you can’t make everyone happy”.

That’s what it’s like inside my head. Therefore, I am naturally surrounded by people who depend on me to be that strong personality for them.

To be clear, I don’t necessarily want to be in charge. Officially, I never hold that title. Instead, people often treat me like I am… so, I am.

Basically, I’m the official “no” guy. When others need a decision to be made, I’m the one who makes it okay to say no. I’ll make the call for them if they need me to.

In my experience, the person who says no typically is the person with the power. And if that’s me, I’m okay with it.

I now understand that I am fundamentally driven by the desire to have a sense of power and control- in other words, to never put myself in a vulnerable situation. To be “untouchable” and above reproach.

So while I myself may not have the capacity to easily access and feel certain emotions on my own, I am tethered to people I love who are able to show me what those emotions look like.

I am able to feel these vulnerable emotions, perhaps vicariously. In a way, my love for my wife and my children help me to experience life from more of a full “human” perspective.

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Dear Holly: A Book about Poo… from School?

8 years, 10 months.

Dear Holly,

Last Friday Mommy made it back from her work trip to Nashville in time to help work the final day of your school’s book fair.

So in addition to all the books and other fun stuff you had already ended up with last week (basically like a small Christmas), you still had one more day to grab any items you just had to have.

The most interesting thing you came home with was, to my surprise, actually a book!

Of course, the name of the book is none other than “Where’s the Poo? Sticker Activity Book”.

Because yes, that is a real thing, and you now own it.

I can confidently say that in all my elementary school years, I never once encountered a book about poo… that also happened to be a fun activity book including “over 200 poop-tastic stickers!”

 

Love,

Daddy

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Dear Jack: Going to Church on Wednesday Nights

14 years, 3 months.

Dear Jack,

For me, being active in the youth group at my church was a huge part of my teenage years.

Of course, as soon as you started school here in Alabama, you quickly were recruited by your new friends to join the football team. And it just so happened that several of them all went to the same church.

We are there every Sunday as a family, but specifically on Wednesdays while your sister is at dance class down the road, I drive you to church.

I definitely appreciate that you want to be there with the dozens of other kids in your youth group, while I am at the men’s Bible study.

Last Wednesday as we crossed the street to the church, two of your friends ran to catch up to you: “Hey, there’s Jack!”

I was so proud. Not only do you want to go to church on Wednesday nights, but you have friends waiting for you there.

 

Love,

Daddy

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Is Being a Faithful Christian Actually That Hard?

I’m going to say something that might seem challenging and unconventional:

Being a faithful Christian is not actually that hard.

It’s just not. Jesus clearly acknowledged this: “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. “

Speaking from personal experience, I can confirm that choosing to live a life based on His teachings actually makes life easier, not more challenging.

I’m convinced that instead of being more restricted by the Christian principles, we are actually more free.

A major theme I see in Jesus’s teachings (as well as much of the Bible, including Proverbs) that I feel doesn’t get much attention is that this all is largely rooted in emotional intelligence:

The ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and overcome conflict.

Being emotionally intelligent leads to being more disciplined in regards to the 7 deadly sins (pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, and sloth) and from there, we are naturally more inclined to love our neighbors as ourselves; which is connected to loving God.

This is an epiphany that has became strangely obvious to me over the past year. Each morning, I start the day by taking a 3 mile walk. During this time, I pray. I start off with the most famous prayer; the one Jesus taught his disciples:

“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”

Naturally, when you pray this, you can’t help but visualize examples of how this personally applies to you. The most challenging part of this prayer for me is “lead us not into temptation”…

This is my theory: That you can actually get to a point in your life where there just aren’t that many temptations surrounding you anymore, if you’re living your life in accordance to the ways Jesus taught us to live.

When I think of the word “temptation”, I immediately associate it with “sin”. When I think of the word “sin”, I associate it with “an act that causes a separation between you and God, as well as others”.

So for me, as a sincerely happily married 43 year-old man, what temptations am I supposedly facing?

Let’s start with the 10 Commandments:

  1. I am the LORD your God; you shall not have strange gods before me. “No problem. One God is enough for me. And I know this also implies not making anything else a god; like my job, my family, my hobbies, etc.”
  2. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain. “That’s easy. I don’t even curse anyway. Nor do I use God’s name out of context. It just seems silly.”
  3. Remember to keep holy the LORD’s Day. “Definitely. I am at church every Sunday morning, then I intentionally take it easy the rest of the day.”
  4. Honor your father and mother. “Of course! I love parents!”
  5. You shall not kill. “Why would I want to murder anyone? I’ve never even been in a fight my entire life.”
  6. You shall not commit adultery. “What?! Remember, I am sincerely happily married. I don’t desire nor think about other women. I love my wife!”
  7. You shall not steal. “If I am praying for God to give me my daily bread, why would I need to steal someone else’s?”
  8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. “What do I have to hide? Why would I need to lie?”
  9. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. “Didn’t we already do this one? Just like with only having one God, I’m good with just one woman.”
  10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s goods. “I am happy for my neighbors. Good for them. I celebrate their success. I don’t envy it.”

Still with me? Can you agree that following the 10 Commandment is simply just basic?

What about Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount? “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

Right. Exactly. Why wouldn’t we want to see our enemies redeemed as opposed to revenged?

But also, who are my enemies? I’m not aware that I have any. Why is that?

Now let’s look to when Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was.

“Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.'”

Love my others as much as I love myself? I have said for years that the meaning of life is found in serving others. I am energized by connecting with other people. One of my favorite things to do is to mentor others and empower them.

And I don’t think I am better than other people either. I am overly aware I am not perfect. At any moment, I could choose to make self-destructive decisions if I was tempted to do so. It’s just that I tend to not be tempted in the first place, because “sin” just doesn’t seem interesting or appealing to me at this point in my life.

My life is more enjoyable because it is proactively directed towards pleasing God, which is based on loving other people as much as myself.

I immediately recognize and believe that I fall short of the glory of God simply by being born into this world with a sinful nature. I openly accept the gift of Jesus’s salvation for being the only perfect one.

Isn’t the whole goal of being Christian to be like Jesus? I feel like there is a paradox here:

If a person claims to be a Christian, yet continually chooses actions that go against the teachings of Christ, that person is seen as a hypocrite; to be despised.

But if a person claims to be a Christian and chooses to live faithfully in accordance of the teachings of Christ, and then claims that they just aren’t intrigued by the temptations the world has to offer, does that imply the person’s actual temptation or sin of choice is pride?

I don’t buy into that.

Instead, I believe Jesus wants us to mature in our faith to the point where temptations become quite a rare thing; to the point where we find joy in following His teachings and in serving others; all while not believing that we ourselves are greater than others and while still fully recognizing God is God and we are not.

I just don’t see what is so hard about that. Change my mind.

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Look No Further

 

I can’t think of anything I want. I can’t think of anything I need. I can’t think of what would make my life complete that I don’t have already here in front of me. And I look no further.

That is the point I have reached in life. To be fair, it’s more than a simply accurate assessment of my life, that I suddenly have an awareness of. Just as important, it is an acknowledgement of an arrival to a destination; decades into a journey.

The first four decades of my life were mainly punctuated by questions marks:

“What will it be like when I’m not a kid anymore? Where will I go to college? What should I major in? Where should I move after college? What will my actual career be? Who will I marry? How do I be a good husband? How do I be a good father? What is the meaning of life, anyway?”

But now, my life is punctuated with periods. I don’t really have any questions anymore. And the questions I do have about life… well, no human can honestly know the answer to.

I am not famous. I am not a millionaire. Yet I have more than so many famous millionaires do. If for no other reason, simply because I am not under the belief I that I need to finish the sentence:

“I’ll be happy when…”

Instead, I recognize that if I can’t be happy in the present, I can never truly be happy in the future.

It makes me think of a movie that my wife and I watch at least once every year: This is 40.

Paul Rudd’s wife’s character sets up the premise of the movie as she explains to him:

“The happiest period in people’s lives is from age 40 to 60… So this is it. We’re in it right now. We have everything we need right now to be completely happy. We’re gonna blink and be 90. So let’s just choose to be happy.”

I also am thinking of Jewish comedian Marc Maron as he explains his understanding of Christianity, in his HBO special, From Bleak to Dark:

“Everything will be amazing… when you’re dead.”

I can appreciate his perspective. Perhaps there is too much emphasis on all of our problems going away when either A) Jesus saves us from all of our annoying problems by showing up in the Rapture, or B) we ideally die in our sleep and get to live in the eternal bliss of Heaven.

While I have definitely placed in my faith in the Christian hope that there is a much better life after this one, I have also challenged my belief system by asking myself the question:

“But what if this is all there is?”

In the event that I just die and that’s it… no further consciousness nor accountability, no memories of this life nor connection to the people I knew in it… I would certainly consider that to be a confusing, cosmic tragedy- that life was nothing more grandiose.

But if that were indeed the case, the question becomes this:

“What about my life would change right now, as I am still alive? What would I do differently?”

My answer: Nothing.

As sad of a thought it would be to never see my loved ones again, the greater sorrow would be to live this gift of a human life on Earth while not making the most of every moment and not appreciating what I do have with the people I share it with.

I think of how my daughter has a microwavable baby doll that she places in our bed to keep safe while she is away at school during the day: “Daddy, Gracie is basically a real baby.” I love it.

I think of how my wife and I set up a reservation for Valentine’s Day last week at a fancy restaurant with an amazing view off the side of Lookout Mountain… but then it was so foggy we were not able to even see anything anyway. I love it.

I think of how this past Sunday I walked into the living room to see my son wearing a monkey jumpsuit while throwing his sister onto a giant beanbag. I love it.

I think of how every morning before work and school, I see my wife and daughter having “coffee time” before the day begins. I love it.

But what I can’t think of…

I can’t think of what would make my life complete that I don’t have already here in front of me.

And I look no further.