At the time I wrong this song, I had not yet realized that I was an Enneagram 9. Through the process of writing my book, I suppose my true self was beginning to reveal itself.
I also feel that part of the process of maturing as an adult is to gain a healthier view of the world by avoiding extreme views and accepting the middle ground; therefore, you begin to see people as more human in the process:
I never need to take a side – I don’t need to be right – Somewhere in the middle – I’d rather keep it simple – That’s where I’ll be- The in-between – Ain’t got time for arguments – I’m making time for common sense – What a waste with these debates – Echo chambers – Nothing changes made up minds – What a waste of time – Not gonna fight you – Nor try to spite you – I’m making peace and taking names – Where are my enemies? Who are my enemies? I can’t think of anyone who needs my hate instead of love – I only want the best for you – We’re not in competition – We’re on the same team – That’s the way you look to me – My strategy is to compromise – My battle plan is to bridge this divide – Somewhere in the middle – I’d rather keep it simple – That’s where I’ll be- The in-between
I spent most of 2023 writing a book about Enneagram, which I plan to have published in early 2024. During the process, I ended up unpacking a lot of personal issues I have been carrying with me. Specifically, one of the things I learned is that I have a lifelong habit of being very critical of myself, while assuming that everyone else is just as critical of me… which is not actually the case.
In the opening chapter of my upcoming Enneagram book, I began my paraphrasing the lyrics of this song:
I keep beating myself up over all the stupid stuff I did and said – You probably don’t remember it but I’ve carried this with me – I didn’t forget, even if you did – I keep beating myself up – Too much is never enough – I’ve still got one foot in the doorway – You may have moved on but I guess I stayed – I didn’t forget, even if you did – I’m going on an apology tour – Gonna make things right from my former life – Going on an apology tour – Gonna tell you I’m sorry – Better late than never – I’ll be coming to your town – Gonna turn this thing around – I’ll be knocking at your door – Gonna settle this thing for sure – On my upcoming apology tour – What if the only evidence of my crime is locked away in my mind? Perhaps a tree has fallen in the forest and I’m the only one who heard it – I didn’t forget, even if you did – Would it make me a better person if I convinced you I learned my lesson? Would you be able to see I’m a different me than the one who lived in less humility? I didn’t forget, even if you did
In my 2nd song I wrote this year, I thought deeply about how children never have the opportunity to accept an invitation into this world, yet we as parents bring them here, for better and for worse.
This mirrors how God as our Creator does not ask us if we wanted to exist either, yet we are brought into a world where we become responsible and accountable for our decisions and actions.
Specifically, I wrote this song for my son. I reference how I have followed him around with a camera his whole life, as I have documented the story of his life on my website; ever since my wife and I found out she was pregnant with him.
I reference the Bible, in comparing my vision for him in the way God describes his relationship with us.
In these lyrics, I also point out how my own perception of time is undeniably based on my observation of him growing up.
Here are the lyrics to “What’s Mine is Yours and Always Was”:
I’m sorry, I never thought to ask – Did you want to be born into this world where nothing is ever promised how long it will last? Was I lonely? Was it selfish of me to give you life when I’m confused by mine? This place is not exactly what I’d call paradise – One day is thousand years – A lifetime of souvenirs – Good memories to overcome our shame and fears – The days are long and the years are short – I’ve seen it all but there still is more – Getting close to point where you can take it from here – I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper – Not to harm you, no – Plans to give you hope – I know the plans I have for you, plans for a future – No matter what you do, I’m still gonna love you – What’s mine is yours and always was – What’s mine is yours – It always was – With my camera, I followed you your entire life – I hope you didn’t mind – I may not be inside the shot, but I was always there – When you’re older, I hope you look back and see the ways I gave you all I had – I was always far from perfect but I was always there
Perhaps I am accidentally becoming the official poet laureate of your social media circle, if you’re reading this now.
Something multiple people have told me this year is this: “Your songs seem a lot like poems, actually.”
I have been writing a minimum of a dozen songs each year, ever since 2020. I realize now that it has become, and still is, my way of providing therapy for myself, as I openly admit I am exploring my way through my midlife crisis/existential crisis.
There is undeniably something consistent in my ability to extract my subconscious thoughts, concerns, and fascinations when I make the effort and take the time to write a new song.
By composing chord progressions, curating melodies, and writing down lyrics, I discover what is needing to be revealed from the inside. Sometimes it’s simply a nuance or trend I am noticing about culture. Other times, I learn a fundamental aspect about how I perceive the world, that I could not have otherwise known.
As I close out 2023, I feel it is important for me to analyze the meaning and inspiration behind each song I have written this year.
The first is “Password Paranoia!”. After I wrote this song, I realized this is a universally relevant concept right now. As a society, we indeed have a collective anxiety about feeling locked out of our own lives, thanks to modern technology.
A common theme in so many of my songs from these past several years is my honesty about having doubts in my faith but choosing to talk through them and ask difficult, uncomfortable questions. Even in this somewhat lighthearted song, I still make a reference to my back room fear that I am still not capable of knowing God.
Stay tuned, as I will be posting my remaining 12 songs throughout December 2023.
As for now, here are the lyrics to “Password Paranoia!”:
I read the book – I saw the movie – Binge-watched every episode of the series – I took notes, then from them I wrote a great dissertation – I’m standing in line at the gates of Heaven – Can’t figure this out on my phone as I’m trying to get in – Downloaded the app but still I find myself in this awkward situation – Am I logged in to a different account? I can’t figure it out – This CAPTCHA’s confusing me now – Am I human enough? Artificial intelligence is the judge – Did I get this far to mess it up? What’s my login? What’s my password? What’s my identity anymore? Where’s my way in? What’s this all for? I wish the search for security didn’t make me feel so insecure of my own existence – Can you blame me? I’ve got password paranoia! Can I cash in these points? I did enough to earn them – Turned in my receipts, logged it in to the Excel spreadsheet – Linked it to all my social media accounts – Am I still missing something? Can I cancel my subscription? This process is cryptic – Will you accept my resignation? It should be simple – Why does it feel I’m locked out? Like I’m not allowed into my own life
Right now as I type this from the bonus room, I am catching glimpses of you and hearing your sweet voice as you are apparently babysitting your dolls in your bedroom.
Now that you are growing up and becoming much more indepenent, you seem to enjoy having time to yourself; when the rest of us all have our own projects.
You set up the tablet for the dolls to watch videos on YouTube, while you provide snacks and wardrobe changes for them.
The whole time, I hear you speaking; though I can never make out what you are telling them.
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