Dear Jack: Handyman for Hire

14 years, 4 months.

Dear Jack,

Mommy knows better than to ever ask me for help with putting anything together she orders from online. (This time it was planter boxes for the garden she is starting in our yard.)

All that would happen is that I would be angry for the entire day, as I can not be trusted with any projects even closely connected with the concept of engineering.

I’m… the… worst.

But not you. What would have taken me several hours, and it still wouldn’t have been done right, you seemed to easily figure out in about 45 minutes.

Mommy was happy to pay you by letting you get a $10 upgrade on your PlayStation 5 game.

And I noticed you threw in a Hot Wheels car as we were buying groceries after church.

I really like our arrangement with you as our household handyman.

 

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack: I’m Not the Handyman, but You Are!

14 years old.

Dear Jack,

One of my many life mottos is this:

“Be proud of your strengths and make jokes about your weaknesses.”

With that being said, there has never been any question that the “handyman gene” went straight from one Jack Shell (Papa) to the next Jack Shell (you).

In other words, it totally skipped me!

But I am happy for you that you have the kind of brain that is eager to get in there and figure out how to fix whatever it is that needs fixing; when it comes to home repairs.

Yes, it’s true we paid off our mortgage a few weeks ago. However, that doesn’t change the fact that owning a home means that there is always something that must be considered “under construction”.

And I am certainly not the man for the job!

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jack: You’re Our Family’s Handyman

12 years.

Dear Jack,

You love being involved with putting things together- and you always have.

This especially comes out when it’s time to prep the house with Christmas decorations.

You truly enjoy putting the Christmas tree together. Not me.

You took pride in going outside and setting up the new reindeer inflatable out in our front yard. Not me.

And yesterday, when your sister needed help putting together a made-in-China Christmas snow globe that erroneously came with the instructions locked inside of the globe, with no way of knowing how to detach it from the base, you figure out. I tried… but still, not me.

We need you around!

 

Love,

Daddy

Manspeak, Volume 2: Heroism

Subconsciously I view handymen and auto mechanics as super heroes. Because the only thing I can build is a Lego house and the only vehicle I can fix is a Lego car. While I’m not a “slow learner”, I don’t learn new skills quickly. It takes daily practice for at least several weeks before I master something new. So to see a man who gets daily exposure to these expected masculine events, I can’t help but have admiration.

Any laugh track infused sitcom that features a typical “dad figure” has had at least once episode where there is a need for home repair and the man of the house rises to the occasion (against the advice of others in the household, namely the wife). Of course, the man botches the job for the comedy highlight of the episode: On Who’s the Boss, Tony “fixed” the toilet upstairs but smashed a hole in the floor which he fell into, causing only his butt to be visible from the living room ceiling by his family below. On Perfect Strangers, Larry “fixed” the shower but it caused the shower head to shoot water across to the other side of the bathroom and blasted Balki in the face, who decides to just stand there with his mouth open and drink the water instead of move out of the way. And as for Home Improvement, “man hilariously attempts home repairs” was the theme of every entire episode.

The fact that under-qualified men continue to try to fix things when they don’t really know how to, is a universal issue. Why? Because it is a man’s job to fix things. It is literally the way men were wired. A woman says to a man, “Our garbage disposal isn’t working right. I think we should call someone to come fix it.” The man hears this: “You’re a man, capable of figuring out how to fix this, but instead, I’m going to call another man to get the job done because he’s more qualified than you”. Shrinkage follows at just the thought of another man walking in the door with his tools.

A man walks around with this hidden fear that he will not be successful in life. In all ways big and small. If he can’t successfully make the evidently simple home repair, he fears he may be seen as insufficient, incapable, and useless. When he longs to be the hero. And hiring someone else to do the job makes him feel unnecessary. May seem a little over the top, but being a man, I recognize the tendency of thinking in terms in worst case scenarios about this stuff.

This also explains the all too familiar (yet somehow not cliché because it’s so true) story of the man who won’t stop to ask for directions. It’s a man’s job to explore and find his own way if he’s lost. A major sense of accomplishment if he can do it. And just for the record, he’s not lost. He’s either taking the scenic route or the short cut (depending on how much time is delayed).

One of my proudest accomplishments regarding home improvement was when I turned down an aggressive salesman who knocked on the door one sunny Saturday morning. If I signed a year-long contract right then since his company was already in the neighborhood, his company would regularly spray my house for bugs for the low, low yearly fee of $545. He inspired me to immediately drive to Lowe’s and purchase a 5 gallon sprayer for $11. Needless to say, I now consider myself a professional bug killer.

Last week as I was getting ready for bed I heard my wife scream loudly from the stairs. My initial thought is that someone broke into the house. I ran over to the stairs to find the intruder to be a wolf spider. A very large scary spider that appeared quite afraid to end up lost and confused at the top of the stairs. I took on the form of the 1984 no nonsense straight-faced Bill Murray, racing downstairs to transform the vacuum cleaner into a proton pack with which I sucked up the monster with great force, feeling the vibration of the thump as it was crushed to death by my weapon. I was a hero. An ego trip shortly followed.

All pictures with the “JHP” logo were taken by Joe Hendricks Photography:

Blog- www.photojoeblog.com

Website- www.joehendricks.com