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Manhood in the Making: Hiking with My Son and My Dad, On His 61st Birthday (at DeSoto State Park in Fort Payne, Alabama)

I could think of no better way to spend the morning of my dad’s 61st birthday than to go on a hike with him and my son, near the woods I grew up in.

Growing up just 5 miles miles from DeSoto State Park (connected to Fort Payne, Alabama), I joined the Cub Scouts when I was in 1st grade, which helped me realize back then in 1987 it wasn’t sports that got me excited; but instead, the great wooded outdoors.

Hiking and exploring nature became my sport. It became a crucial part of my masculine identity; not baseball or basketball, though I did end up (unsuccessfully) playing both.

My dad served as the Scout Leader for our Cub Scout troop, which only reinforced what it meant to be a “Shell man” in our family. (Our last name is Shell.)

So it’s no surprise that, 30 years later, with my own son being in 1st grade himself now, this hike symbolized as a right of passage. Granted, I’ve been taking my son on hikes where we live in Tennessee for years.

But this hike was special: It connected us together as the three Shell men of our family.

And we just couldn’t have planned for it to be as perfect and adventurous and it ended up.

It was just chilly enough for my son and I to get to wear our slightly silly hats, but the sun shone on us the whole time.

All I had really remembered about the trail from when I was my son’s age was at the end, there was a dam. But there was much more than that.

Much of the trail made its way along the side of cliff, with the river down below. It was like every step of the way was a picture worth taking and putting on Instagram.

We encountered some man-made structures along the way that were apparently built around a hundred years ago. They only added the mystery aspect of our adventure.

Because that’s an important part of going out for a hike in the woods: Secretly hoping to make some kind of cool discovery.

My son made a few discoveries of his own, with no help thanks to me.

He was truly fascinated by all the moss growing along the side of the mountain…

But he surprised me when he showed me the baby snake he found as well. We’re still at least pretty sure that snake wasn’t actually poisonous.

As we made our way closer to the dam, which served as our arbitrary motive along the way, we accidentally found a cave in the rocks.

My son showed zero ounces of fear as we entered it; only eagerness to explore!

We imagined how, surely, Native Americans must have slept there; and how even now, it was likely a retreat for forest animals as well.

As we exited the cavern, alongside the waterfall from the river, I showed my dad and my son a shortcut to the dam, so we wouldn’t have to backtrack because of our cave detour.

It involved us having to hold on the side of the rock cave while walking across a narrow ledge with the river below. Was it dangerous? Well, that’s sort of the whole point.

I see so much value in a young boy receiving guidance and confirmation from the older men in his life. He learns firsthand how we can tackle a challenge like this, with our help, and overcome it.

That’s got to be good not only for his growing self-esteem, but also his identity as a confident 1st grader.

To me, this is what being a dad is all about. This is the most important stuff; everything else is just details.

So truly, there was no better way to spend last Saturday morning, on my dad’s 61st birthday, than to hike an old trail across the side of a mountain and a river in Alabama.

Fathers pass on certain values and less to their sons that no one else can, in the same way. That’s something I am very aware of.

This was no leisurely hike. No, this was manhood in the making, for my son.

And I would like to believe that 30 years from now, he’ll look back on our hike and realize how it served as an expression of his dad for his son.

Sometimes as a father, it takes a hike in the woods to supplement “I love you” and “I’m so proud of you”.

Looking back, I can see that with my own dad when he took me on those hikes. And now I continue that cycle for my own son.

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Dear Jack: Your “Pokemon Card Business Meeting” with Your Best Friend, Duncan

6 years, 11 months.

Dear Jack,

You were so excited all last week to know that your best friend, Duncan, was going to be coming over to our house on Saturday morning. Now that fall soccer season is over, this made the first weekend in which you wouldn’t be seeing each other.

But for two hours, the two of you got hang out and just do whatever you wanted to.

Perhaps somewhat ironically, you were noticeably much calmer and self-contained with him over. Instead of two nearly 7-year olds running around crazy in the living room, the two of you spent most of the time having what I am calling a “Pokemon Card Business Meeting.”

It looked, and sounded, quite serious. You both brought out your huge Pokemon card binders and committed to what seemed to me as a never-ended business meeting.

As you both traded and bartered, I kept hearing stats that I couldn’t keep up worth, as I heard these strangely named Pokemon characters and how much damage each one does, and whether it’s an EX or not…

I am convinced the two of you had so much fun. But I have to say, it looked all business to me!

These days, I recognize it’s often a challenge for you to figure out what to do when you’re at home; as the temptation to play with your sister, even if she is already occupied, is always there. It feels like a daily occurrence that I have to say, “Jack, find something to do before I assign you some mandatory fun myself…”

With Duncan over at our house, I never said that once.

If Duncan is the kind of company you keep, and that is the kind of activity you choose to do, I say, hey… Let’s have Duncan over more often!

Love,

Daddy

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Dear Holly: You are So Obsessed with Your Shoes, You Wear 4 of Them at a Time!

1 year, 6 months.

Dear Holly,

This morning as I held you, walking your brother across the street to where the bus stop is, you held a pair of shoes in your hands. Obviously, you were also wearing another pair of shoes on your feet as well.

On the mornings I take you to school, the same thing happens. I get you all ready to go, and you’re always so excited. You grab your lunch box and walk to the front door, but then make a quick detour for the shoe closet to pick up a 2nd pair to hold.

Yes, if guess you figure since you only have 2 feet, you might as wear a 2nd pair on your hands… in theory.

So then I load you up in the car, drive you to school, and hand you to your teacher; and the whole time, you’re holding those shoes in your hands so tightly!

I admit it’s a little bit of a challenge to pry them out of your little pink hands. Seriously, it’s just that you’re so proud of your shoes. So naturally, in your mind, wearing one pair of shoes at a time just isn’t enough!

It didn’t take long for me to understand how you became this way. All I have to do is look at your Mommy.

She is so classy, so stylish, so fashionable. Though she would never admit it, she’s on top of things when it comes to making sure our whole family looks more than simply “presentable”.

So for you, at only a year and half years old, shoes having already become a part of your identity. I think I have to give all the credit to Mommy on this one.

I think it’s possible you’re starting to realize just how adorable you are…

Love,

Daddy

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Dear Jack: I’m Watching You Grow Up on Autopilot

6 years, 11 months.

Dear Jack,

In the midst of me raising a very demanding (by default) infant daughter in addition to you, it’s both inevitable and regrettable, as your Daddy, that I can’t be more involved in all the little details of your life. I wish I could, but then I couldn’t be there for your sister in the ways she desperately needs me in these early developmental years.

I miss the candid moments that we used to have, back when you were an only child. Being an older brother has placed you in a situation where you have to be more independent of me.

In some ways, that’s a good thing. But I admit, I experience guilt in this, even if I’m doing the right thing by constantly minding to your sister, which gives Mommy the ability to focus on household daily chores, like preparing dinner and doing laundry.

It sort of leaves you out of the equation; to fend for yourself.

Right now, though, I’m thinking of John Mayer’s song, “Daughters”, where he talks about sons:

Boys, you can break
You’ll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on

I guess that’s just the way I have to look at it.

But just know I really do miss our Saturday afternoon hikes through the woods, exploring alongside the creeks. I miss our one-on-one time.

I do the best I can to spend time with you alone, but it’s very difficult with your sister being the age she is.

So that’s why I feel like I’m watching you grow up on autopilot. I see this picture I took of my son a few weeks ago, and think, “Man, he’s starting to look like a teenager!”

Granted, that’s still several years off, but I do hope I can get back there, to when you and I had more time together. Just you and me.

Love,

Daddy

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Dear Holly: Your “Hold Me, Daddy!” Moments

1 year, 6 months.

Dear Holly,

Getting to be a daddy to a little girl is something remarkable. For me, it has been a completely different experience in raising you at your young age, compared to your brother when he was a year and a half.

Not that raising one child is a better situation than the other; I’m not comparing the two of you in that way. But noticeably, you need me on a different level than your brother ever did at this age.

I guess there’s just no way around it- I can’t help but think of John Mayer’s song, “Daughters”, right now.

Especially when it comes to emotional and physical support, those lyrics about the importance of a father’s influence on his daughter are spot on:

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and weight of her world

I see this on a daily basis. I see how you constantly strive for my confirmation, my affection, and my attention… even though I freely give you all those things.

On a selfish level, that makes me feel good. It serves as a reminder that in all the uncertainty I face, as a man whose role it is to convince my family that I can take care of them, that I am definitely needed and doing something right.

A few weekends ago at the farm and pumpkin patch, a chicken stuck its head out through the fence and unintentionally scared you.

Immediately, you grabbed one of my arms with both of yours; holding so tightly until the chicken pulled itself back through the fence.

Perhaps to some, that’s just a simple, forgettable moment.

But not for me. That’s a “Hold me, Daddy!” moment. That is worth gold to me.

Love,

Daddy