When it comes to New Year’s Resolutions, my initial thought is always, “If I knew there was something I needed to change about my habits or behavior, I wouldn’t wait until the New Year. I would make the change immediately!”
Yet still, I figured for 2025, I could at least have an answer ready to contribute and seem like a normal human being. One of the suggestions I have continued reading and hearing is that, as a man, I need to “be more vulnerable and more in touch with my emotions”. So I figured that by default, that would become my (joke of a) New Year’s Resolution.
The thing is, aren’t I fairly “vulnerable” as it is? I’ve been documenting my life here on my blog since 2009. I feel that I do a decent job of sharing the highlights as well as the struggles I have overcome throughout each phase in my life.
But the part about getting in touch with my emotions… well, it immediately became confusing to me. Only two emotions came to mind, regarding what I actually feel on a daily or weekly basis: Joy and anger.
Those two have seemingly gotten me through my adult life just fine… right? I’m just being “emotional efficient”… right?
Even going back a decade on my YouTube channel, I see that even the silly fictional characters I created for myself were running on nothing but joy and anger:
“Green Meanie”, the antagonist from my Jack-Man superhero series; and “Naughty Nick”, who regularly found himself initiating street fights with strangers.
I had to do a Google search: “What are the emotions?”
The only other ones that I connected with were passion and creativity, which I found on the most amazing emotions chart I have ever seen, on Abby Vanmuijen’s website.
She has a category called “Genius” that I immediately respected; which interestingly enough, is found sandwiched between the categories of “Joy” and “Anger”.
I felt a sense of accomplishment. It was confirmed that I most certainly am driven on a daily basis by the emotional categories of joy and anger; as well as genius; specifically, being passionate and creative.
But that only accounted for half of the emotions wheel. As I read through all the emotions on the other half, I instinctively felt rage inside of me; as if I was about to physically fight someone.
I was undeniably triggered by simply the sight of the very words found in the categories of sadness, fear, and disgust. My subconscious clearly felt “attacked” by even just the thought of ever attempting to connect with these ideas:
Overwhelmed, anxious, heartbroken, lonely, jealous, self-conscious- and yes, vulnerable.
Here is apparently the discovery: I refuse to associate with any word I deem as “weak”. I have formed my identity around being strong and capable; not just physically, but mentally- and therefore, emotionally.
This is how I am intrinsically wired; even if it’s not a sustainable functional model for most human beings on the planet. Imagine having no sense of smell. Well, that’s sort of like how it is for me; except basically I have no conscious access to the vulnerable emotions in the categories of sadness, fear, and disgust.
Recently, I proclaimed that I win the award for the “Least Emotional” person in my house. Based on my discovery about only “allowing” half of the existing emotions, that seems like a fair assessment.
It is my observation that for other men who are like me, having extremely limited access to the vulnerable emotions, they choose to seek access to experiencing sadness, fear, and disgust by watching sports; specifically when their team isn’t doing well. This escalates around the time of the Super Bowl and March Madness.
Just today on the radio at the gym, I heard the classic Hootie & the Blowfish song, “Only Wanna Be with You,”… as Darius Rucker proclaims, “I’m such a baby ’cause the Dolphins make me cry.”
As for me, I’ve openly never been a sports guy. However, I recently realized that a major motivation to regularly write new songs is because it reveals what emotions I am experiencing on a hidden level.
For example, the opening line of the first song I have recorded this year for my YouTube channel is this: “Feels like a former life I still have memories from, but I’m not done – Where did everyone go? Divinely disconnected, I can’t be the only one, missing out on something – Where did everyone go?”
This is the emotion of sadness. The very first phrase of the very first song I shared with the world this year so far… began with the phrase “feels like”. I wrote that song last summer when I left Tennessee and rebooted my life here in Alabama. Apparently, during that time, I was experiencing some sadness but didn’t realize it.
But beyond the songs I write, I pretty much never even hint at being sad or fearful or any emotion I feel would link me to identifying with “weakness” in my end.
So that is my synopsis. Am I on to something here?
What I don’t know yet is if as a man, I am a bit of an extreme exception…
Or if indeed most men avoid the emotional categories of disgust, fear, and sadness in an effort to maintain a mindset and reputation of being strong and in control… while most women need to have access to all of the emotions in order to feel human?
I mean, after God created Adam, He immediately acknowledged, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
Perhaps one of the ways women help men is by giving them access, even if indirectly, to a much wider array of emotions to balance out the men’s tendency to depend so heavily on logic.
So yeah… there’s some supreme irony in regards to my joke of a New Year’s Resolution about becoming more vulnerable and more in touch with my emotions.
The joke was on me: As I successfully began achieving my goal, I discovered something sobering, confusing, and relieving:
I have lived my entire life trying to “just be myself”, while never truly understanding the actual “self” buried deep in layers of attempts to be anyone except my actual self. Until this year.
To be continued…click here to read the other half.
Last Sunday afternoon as it was raining, I was in my room working on writing some new songs. When I finally took a break, I happened to walk out into the living room and catch a glimpse of you and Mommy in a genuine, authentic moment:
The two of you were sitting next to each other, not saying a word, staring out the window.
Fortunately, I was able to sneak a photo of that exact uninterrupted scene. The meme of Kermit the Frog comes to mind.
I then broke the silence by laughing at loud.
It served as a funny reminder to me that I am the only person in our household who doesn’t have an Enneagram 4 associated with my personality.
You are an Enneagram 5 with a dominant 4 wing, while Mommy is an Enneagram 3 with a dominant 4 wing. And as for your sister, she is an Enneagram 2 who morphs into an Enneagram 4 when she is happy.
Enneagram 4s are known for being the most aware of their emotions. In other words, they are the type most likely to get caught up in staring out the window on a rainy day.
So by default, that means that I win the award for “Least Emotional” in our house. And I’m pretty sure that is no surprise to anyone.
Each year since 2020, I have challenged myself to write an album’s worth of songs (at least 12) to record and post on my YouTube channel. This year’s album, which I entitle “So Much for Enlightenment”, contains these 12 tracks which I have released on YouTube throughout 2024:
Just Passin’ Through, February 3rd, Adam and Eve, I’m Taking Over the World Today!, People Pleaser, I Can’t Sit Still, What If This is All There Is?, Ego Death, Happiness is a Choice, Give Life Meaning, Astronomy, and Watch It Work Itself Out.
Why do I challenge myself to do this? I learned during the Covid Lockdown that by composing and writing music, I am able to tap into emotions and subconscious concerns that I normally would not have access to. So I became curious to find out what is buried down inside of me and to learn how revealing that knowledge could help me understand myself and life better.
In other words, I am undeniably a poet and a storyteller.
To help ensure I write legitimate and creative songs, I have a code of criteria that I hold myself accountable to: Each song must be at least 3 minutes long. The tempo must vary from one song to the next, so that there aren’t too many slow songs. The lyrics must rhyme and contain a decent amount of alliteration. Most importantly, the content must be unique and meaningful.
A major advantage I have over a professional recording artist is that I have the freedom to write and release songs whenever I want to. I’m not trying to become famous nor make a career out of this. I legitimately write and publish an album’s worth of songs each year because I truly enjoy the process.
Even as I write this, I am so curious to go back to the beginning of this year and see what it is I learned through my own music. Here’s a look at my subconscious spanning the year of 2024:
1st song: “Just Passin’ Through” (January 15th)
There’s nothing I want I don’t already have – There’s no way to tempt me, to cause me to envy – There’s nothing to fear that won’t already happen – There’s no way to scare me, to give me anxiety – What, me worry? I’m past that point in my life – I’m not sorry – I’m sleeping better at night – What have I got to lose? It’s only mine for a while – I’m just passin’ through – Why should I be afraid? We all know how this ends – It ain’t nothin’ new – Just passin’ through – Here’s me accepting my fate – I’m ready, come what may – I guess I always knew – I’m just passin’ through
2nd song: “February 3rd” (February 17th)
I’d been awake for an hour this morning before I was discerning what day it was and realized I was in luck – Something was different – Sun was shining – Birds were singing – Got me thinking, “What if it worked this time?” – The calendar date has finally changed – I learned from mistakes I made on Groundhog Day – I broke free from the monotony – It’s February 3rd and this is the first day of the rest of my life – It started out as a comedy until it wasn’t funny – Felt like a psychological thriller and I wasn’t feeling it – Couldn’t I just fall back asleep then wake up and things would be the way they were before I knew too much? – And… cut! – Ask me about my midlife crisis – Convince me I’m not losing my mind over this – It’s what I get for asking too many questions when no one alive actually has the answers
3rd song: “Adam and Eve” (March 2nd)
If I were Adam and you were Eve, wearing nothing, not even fig leaves, I would keep you far away from the fruit of that tree – You know you’re my obvious weakness – Take me down, I’m easily defeated – I know how we should spend eternity – You have this power over me – Come bother me, baby – It’s obvious it don’t take much – You’re the real temptation I’ve got – So much for enlightenment – We’ll be fine in the dark – You have this power over me – If it were you and me instead of Adam and Eve, I wouldn’t be tempted at all by the fruit of that tree – You know I can never resist you – Always looking for a chance to give in to you – In the Garden of Eden, you’d be all I need – I’d pass at the chance for God to open our eyes, instead remaining unashamed in paradise
4th song: “I’m Taking Over the World Today!” (April 4th)
So many things we’re taught to fear, we don’t have any control of – When information isn’t clear, interpretation rules us – The bad news is there is no good news to consume when you worship at the altar of the temple of doom – Confusion is creeping in but I found another narrative – I rule reality – My kingdom is the middle ground – Hereby I am the king of who proposes truth to me – I’m taking over the world that’s in my mind and I look good in this crown – I’m taking over the world today – Gonna be some changes made – Initiate eminent domain – Stand back as I stake my claim – I’m taking over the world today – So many things we’re taught to love, only cause us to self-destruct – Our peace of mind has a price – We can only take so much – All we’ve really got are a few who love us no matter what – The meaning of life is found in the people who keep showing up
5th song: “People Pleaser” (May 10th)
You might not know it from looking at me now what’s really going down here inside of my heart – I don’t need to be cool – I don’t need to rule the world – But do I need to be needed and do I want to be wanted? Am I a people pleaser to some degree? Is it the reason that I keep showing up? Am I a people pleaser? Is it a part of me? Maybe that’s the way I feel loved? You probably wouldn’t think that somebody like me is really an introvert with an outgoing personality – It’s just the way I cope with keeping people from thinking I’m too quiet to be seen, that I’m invisible or dismissible – I don’t know if in the end if all the love that I give will be equal to the love I get – All I know is when I give, I feel connected to the universe – I started asking cosmic questions then fell under the impression that if no one seems to see me, maybe life is void of meaning – I can’t deny I feel alive and connected to the universe – For better or worse, when I give more than I receive from others – You might not know it from looking at me now what’s really going down here inside of my heart
6th song: “I Can’t Sit Still” (August 19th)
I can’t sit still – I hate the way it feels – I’m wide awake – I could go all day – I can’t sit here as time stands still – I’m outrunning the clock and I love how it feels – I allow no time for the seven deadly sins – I’m not tempted by low hanging fruit – I’m pulling all the stops and I’m picking all the locks – I’m pursuing higher altitudes – I can’t sit still – I’ve just got to move these bones – I might have ADHD and I’m finding this out on my own – I’ll sleep when I’m dead and even then I will bet I still won’t know how to rest – I always need a good challenge while trying to balance all the thoughts running through my head
7th song: “What If This Is All There Is?” (August 26th)
What if this is all there is? What if this is all we’ve got? What if we just cease to exist? What if this isn’t what we thought? Who else can I ask? Who has answers for the questions I have? No one really knows for sure: How did this begin? How does this thing end? Are we living in a cosmic accident? What if we created God to give us hope through empty chaos? With no fear of hell or reward of heaven, would the way we live be any different? What if all we have is this life to spend time with those who we would miss? What would I change? What would I say? What if this is all there is?
8th: “Ego Death” (September 6th)
I painted a picture, then it came to life – It was so real, right here – Then it disappeared – I wrote a song, then the words came true – They guided me and delighted me – Then they left the room – I played a part on the world’s great stage – My role was just an act – Then I felt betrayed – The end is the beginning – The beginning is the end – Take the time to build it – Tear it down again – Light myself on fire – Dissolve and deconstruct – Collapse into the chaos, then rise back up
9th: “Happiness is a Choice” (September 17th)
Happiness is a choice I have to make each day – Despite what may happen, the decision must be made – Joy is in my heart but how I feel is still so real – Happiness is a choice I have to make each day – Gratitude is a choice I have to make each day – Despite the imperfections that settle into place – Joy is in my heart but how I feel is still so real – Gratitude is a choice I have to make each day – Trusting God is a choice I have to make each day – Despite His higher ways I tend to pray that I could change – Joy is in my heart but how I feel is still so real – Trusting God is a choice I have to make each day – This whole fallen world condition was never my idea – Keeps it from being easy to reach a sense of inner peace – I wish that suffering was not a thing that God allowed on Earth, for what that’s worth – This whole fallen world condition was never my idea, for what that’s worth
10th: “Give Life Meaning” (November 17th)
Once more, with feeling – How do I make life meaningful again? What is truth? I am seeking – How do I make life meaningful again? A bit numb to the feeling – How do I make life beautiful again? If seeing is believing, how do I make life beautiful again? The older I get the less there is new to experience – The more I learn the less I know what to do with all of this – Seems a little empty but I know that it can’t be – The older I get the less surprises there are to see – Time goes faster now – I’m left with just memories – Seems a little quiet like something is not right – What if the meaning of life is to give life meaning? What if beauty is what I’m creating?
11th: “Astronomy” (November 22nd)
I look up at the stars and the constellations – God’s ancient map for us here below – It’s an open-ended universe – Are we the only intelligent life? All I know is God is behind it all – I look out from the Oregon coast into the ocean – I see the edge of the world but I don’t feel alone – I look out from reality into the abstract – All I know is God is behind it all – Living is random – Dying is weird – I don’t know what will happen – So much is unclear – And I’m still here
12th: “Watch It Work Itself Out” (November 24th)
Quite the conundrum – A perilous paradox – Already opened up Pandora’s Box – Watch it work itself out – No, I’m not worried – This isn’t how we go – We make it to the sequel – A future to behold – Watch it work itself out – So hold your breath and hold my hand – Watch it work itself out – If love always wins and hope expands – Watch it work itself out – Happily ever after is such a relative phrase – What tends to matter is how you live day to day – Watch it work itself out
Now it’s time for me to start practicing and learning the songs I have already written for 2025. See ya next year!
Despite me giving your brother a standing offer to teach him how to play guitar, met by him continually choosing other hobbies instead, you will apparently be my child who actually shares an interest in performing music.
It appears that you and your cousin Darla have now formed a pop duo. (An official name has yet to be determined.)
She plays the ukulele while you take care of lead vocals. You both share the responsibility of songwriting.
I am so proud, and relieved, to know that at least one of my children will carry on the music legacy in our family.
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