In case you somehow didn’t know this by now, my wife is #9 of 10 kids. So every year, our official family summer vacation is going to visit as much of her family that can show up in the Sacramento, California area; which is where they all grew up and some still live.
And in case you’re not so familiar with the geography of Sacramento, it is in northern California; just a little over 2 hours away from Lake Tahoe, which also borders the neighboring state of Nevada.
This summer, Lake Tahoe served as the central meeting place for the family; this time to especially celebrate the life of my wife’s father (who passed away a couple months after we were married in 2008); as well as her grandfather Gus, who passed away last fall.
Everyone was given the opportunity to share memories and stories of both men. Being that I married into the family, I wasn’t planning on saying anything.
But when I was asked if I wanted to share something, after I had the opportunity to hear what everyone else said, I decided to speak.
I explained that my takeaway from what they all said about these two very important men in their family was this:
It was undeniable that these men sacrificed much for the sake of their family; even if they weren’t able to be appreciated or feel appreciated at the time.
That is often the theme of being a parent: that you often are unable to be truly appreciated as you give the most of your time, energy, and soul to the people you care for so much.
I appreciated being somewhat of a grafted-in outsider that day. I feel that it took that kind of perspective to understand myself better; coincidentally during Father’s Day weekend.
I turned 38 a couple of months ago. I have entered Life: Part 2. In other words, I have come to terms with the fact my life is now half complete; assuming I live the typical lifespan of an American man.
When you’re pushing 40, there are certain things that tend fall into place in your life:
Your strengths, your weaknesses, your family, your career, your finances, your retirement plan…
To steal a quote from a book I will never read called Anna and the French Kiss, it really comes down to this:
“The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”
In other words, my identity is well established. While I remain open-minded to a certain point, I am at the place in life where I am no longer seeking confirmation of my identity from other people; the way Michael Scott and Andy Bernard did on The Office.
I no longer subscribe to the delusion that I am a good person, because then I would fall victim to the mentality, “Why do bad things happen to good people?”
Not to mention, the concept of being a good person is simply relevant to others I would perceive as bad people.
There will always be people who perceive me as morally or intellectually inferior to themselves in some way. I am okay with that. I embrace it. I even celebrate it.
To quote Matchbox Twenty in a song called “Busted” from their debut album from over 20 years ago, this is how I feel:
“I’m the flame, I can’t get burnt. I’m wholly understated.”
In my 38 years, I have learned that most people predictably fear being perceived as wrong, ignorant, and/or immoral.
But I don’t. I am immune because I already know those things are true:
To some people, I will always be wrong, ignorant, and/or immoral.
I have taught myself that anything a person believes is true in their own mind; even for crazy people.
This is only magnified because of Identity Protective Cognition, which explains that when another person tries to convince someone against their strongly held beliefs, anything they hear in an attempt to convert them will only reinforce what they already believe.
Therefore, I don’t care what other people believe. I have no desire to prove anyone wrong, as I have learned that often the subconscious goal people have in trying to prove another person wrong is that they are ultimately trying to earn that person’s respect.
I don’t crave for people’s respect by proving them wrong, as I believe it’s nearly impossible; and ultimately, a poor choice in the game of time management.
People tend to think their opinions, beliefs, and ideologies actually matter to other people.
They don’t.
No one cares what anyone believes. It’s an illusion. Instead, people are simply seeking to identify members of their own camp; while demonizing the other side; believing those with opposing views are wrong, ignorant, and/or immoral.
(The bipartisan structure of American politics has made this clear by now.)
I have peace knowing that I can privately disagree with other people’s moral codes and lifestyles; as they surely disagree with mine. I am more interested in learning what I have in common with others; not what we disagree on.
So surely you can understand why a guy like me has proudly adopted this as my current life motto:
“Hi, I don’t care. Thanks.”
Further exploring my mindset, it is important to note that I have also climbed the ladder of emotional intelligence high enough now to know this:
It is always a choice to be offended, insulted, and/or disrespected by another person.
Similarly, forgiveness is always a choice, as well.
I turned off the breaker switch to allowing others to affect my emotions. I now control my own emotions, thanks to some gentle reminders from the surprisingly emotionally intelligent band Metallica, in legendary songs like “Master of Puppets”:
“I’m pulling your strings/Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams/Blinded by me, you can’t see a thing.”
This is a great illustration of how most people, by default, allow other people’s control of their own emotions to rule their lives.
Imagine the unnecessary burden that has been removed from my own mind. Imagine the freedom I must feel:
To not allow other people to control my emotions because I ultimately don’t fear being perceived as wrong, ignorant, or immoral. To know it’s vanity to believe I can gain a person’s respect by proving them wrong.
So it’s only natural that what I really wanted for this Father’s Day was a basic t-shirt that shares my motto with the world:
(To buy this shirt for the best price on Amazon, click here.)
I was able to debut it during our recent family vacation to Lake Tahoe, where my shirt was a hit among random passersby… my age and older. They are clearly riding they same vibes I am.
And my wife was able to debut a t-shirt that shared her equivalence of my motto:
One of your favorite things to do when you stay at Nonna and Papa’s house in Alabama is to go outside and find wildlife.
I’ve noticed it never takes much effort nor time for you to come back from the yard with a collection of bugs and/or lizards.
Granted, some of the bugs end up becoming the dinner of the lizards.
So for a 2 grade boy spending his Spring Break in the mountains of Alabama, what better way to spend hours of daylight then to go out explore nature… and then to bring that nature back with you!
Family Friendly Daddy Blog 