Readers’ Expectations 2: Jewish Sesame Street, & Uncle Jesse’s Doll

 

It’s that time again to see what off-the-wall phrases that people typed in Google to find my website.  My apologies to the random strangers who were disappointed to find that I did not provide exactly what they were looking for.  However, I will take the time to address their inquiries, which ironically means that if anyone else searches for these same terms, my website will be one the first ones to show up on a Google search:

“did Asians make up the Rubik’s cube?”- Good try.  But the Rubik’s Cube was invented in 1974 by a Hungarian named Erno Rubik, a sculptor and professor or architecture, though the puzzle toy was not licensed and sold to the American public until 1980.

“אריק ובנץ תמונות”- I recognized this as Hebrew, the Jewish manuscript.  As I’ve said before in The Code, I purposely find ways to incorporate ways to include Jewish and marijuana references in most of what I write, to keep things edgy, but not controversial.  But in this case, I reeled in someone who really knows a thing or two about Judaism.  Too bad I have no idea what “אריק ובנץ תמונות” translates to in English.  When I typed it back into Google, it took me to this weird website for an Israeli TV network, featuring a humanized Bert and Ernie:

http://cc.bingj.com/cache.aspx?q=%d7%90%d7%a8%d7%99%d7%a7+%d7%95%d7%91%d7%a0%d7%a5+%d7%aa%d7%9e%d7%95%d7%a0%d7%95%d7%aa&d=4789146318864423&mkt=en-US&setlang=en-US&w=c22fccc6,f5f2d72b

“angry cigarettes and alcohol”- Yes, they are so angry these days, aren’t they?  You must be referring to a picture I posted… healthnutshell: 1.2 Billion People Can’t

“bowling balls”- I am indeed quite the expert.  Glad I could help… It Was All Just a Dream: Tiny Niece at V

“john handcocks signicher”- That’s one awkward way to misspell it.  Here ya go… John Hancock

“Uncle Jesse doll”- If every word I said could make you laugh, I’d talk forever.  Cue Uncle Jesse in a black leather vest with no shirt underneath in a tub with candles all around.  Uncle Jesse will always have a place in our hearts.

“grandmother’s house reunion”- Look, buddy.  I can’t help you with that.  I don’t know when your next family reunion at your grandmother’s house is going to be.  You’ll have to ask your Aunt Murt about that one… Pickles Make for Good Reading Material- 4

 

 

healthnutshell: The Extremes of Being a Meat Head Vs. Being a Vegetarian

What kind of meat did Jesus eat?

In 1990 as a skinny 9 year-old boy weighing well under 100 pounds, I was so proud of the fact that I could eat an entire Double Whopper combo meal at Burger King.  I impressed my parents and Italian grandfather every Friday night when, by tradition, we either went there for dinner, or the now extinct Quincy’s- “Home of the Big Fat Yeast Roll”, and I ate more than any of them.

In fact, one of my childhood catch phrases was “I need more meat.  If there’s no meat, it’s just like eating air”.  I was one extreme carnivore.

Much has changed since then.  As I’ve slowly slipped down the slippery slope of eating organically, it only seemed natural that I would eventually become a vegetarian, or at least go through a vegetarian phase.

Oddly enough, the deciding factor in whether or not I should attempt vegetarianism was based a question derived from a tacky 1998 bracelet craze: “What would Jesus do?”  I asked myself, “What did Jesus eat?”

Jesus ate meat.  He absolutely ate fish- he was a fisherman and even performed miracles which involved multiplying fish to feed thousands of his followers.  In fact, every time I’ve read about Jesus eating any kind of meat in the Bible, it’s always been fish.  Of course, knowing that Jesus was Jewish meant that by religious tradition he also ate some lamb and beef.

It’s safe to assume that Jesus ate a lot of fish and just a little red meat.  (But of course, he didn’t eat pork, being a law observing Jew.)   And that’s the basis of the standard I go by: The less legs, the better.

Zero legs: Fish have no legs, meaning they’re the healthiest kind of meat to eat.  Except predator fish (like sharks), bottom feeders (like catfish, shrimp, crawfish), and shellfish (scallops, clams).

Two legs: Chickens and turkeys.  They eat seeds, worms, and sometimes small mice.  They aren’t as healthy eaters as salmon and tuna and tilapia, but they’re better four-legged animals.

Four legs: Cows.  They should be fed grass, because feeding them corn causes health problems for them.  But even when we eat organic, grass-fed beef, our intestines aren’t long enough to fully digest the meat.  On the other hand, a true carnivore, like a wolf, has long enough intestines to properly digest the meat for all its nutrients.  As for pigs, they are scavengers, just like a possum or a vulture, so that’s why I am so adamant on not eating pork whatsoever (healthnutshell: No Pork on My Fork).

The less legs, the better.  Except for predators, carnivores, bottom feeders, and shellfish, which all feed on other animals they killed and ate, or the remains of dead animals they found along the way.

I am not a vegetarian, but I only eat animals that are.  Eating animals that are carnivores and scavengers is the problem.  Meat is not a bad thing or unhealthy at all as long as it’s the right kind of meat.  And the right amount of it.

Recently, studies have been popping up that show that Seventh Day Adventists live longer than the rest of us: Their men live 9.5 years longer and their women live 6 years longer.  Aside of limiting alcohol intake, exercising regularly, eating a health amount of good fats (nuts), most Seventh Day Adventists are either vegetarians or near-vegetarians.

http://lifetwo.com/production/node/20070107-longevity-seventh-day-adventists-life-expectancy

http://www.islandpacket.com/2009/05/16/846639/study-finds-seventh-day-adventists.html

While I will not convert my faith, I have converted to the Seventh Day Adventist  lifestyle of limited meat consumption.  Typically, only one of the meals I eat in any given day actually has meat in it.  And even then, it’s tuna, salmon, tilapia, chicken, turkey, and a few times a month, beef.

But that’s only so good.  Because what good is it to only eat meat once a day if the portion size is too big?  I look at my hand and visualize the size of my hand without fingers.  That’s around 4 ounces of meat, a quarter of a pound.  That is the proper portion size of meat that I will allow myself to eat per day.  Not per meal.

Because if nothing else, by eating more than a fingerless hand’s worth of meat in a day, I am consuming too much sodium.  Because meat equals sodium.  And too much sodium equals heart disease and high blood pressure, which equals heart attack.

Was it easy to become this way? No.  But not because I go around hungry.  Because it takes more deliberate planning of my meals to make a health meal without meat.  But I’m getting it figured out.

I only eat meat at dinner.  For lunch, sometimes I pack a salad, or a rice and been burrito, or even some homemade, whole wheat English muffin pizzas with low-fat cheese.  All with a generous portion of fruit on the side (which I’ll be writing more about soon: Fruit by the Foot.)

For several months now, I’ve been doing this.  And I’m not hungry in between meals because I eat fruit.  And then of course at dinner, I eat meat with green vegetables.

If I can add 9.5 healthy years onto my life by not being a meat head, it’s worth it to me.

Here’s a post from one of my writer friends that she just posted this morning, which I highly endorse:  http://www.meetmissjones.com/2010/04/real-food-wednesday-journey-to-real-food/

Facebook Friendship: Let’s Not and Say We Did

 

I hear you knockin’ but you can’t come in. 

For months now, there have been “friend suggestions” on my facebook homepage that I refuse to deny or accept.  I just keep them there in purgatory.  And the fact that they haven’t requested to be my friend yet either means that the feeling is mutual: Despite growing up together, we don’t have a desire to reconnect as adults.

The problem with high school is that we were all immature back then.  Sure we did foolish things we would be embarrassed if today if anyone remembered.  But even worse than the embarrassing things we remember which we hope no one else does, are the hurtful things we did or said to others that we ourselves don’t remember doing.

I realize that people from junior high or high school who may have spoken stinging words to me back in the 90’s or even that were just overall snotty or hateful, have grown up now, just like I have.  They get the benefit of the doubt from me that they are now changed people, just like I am.

But I can’t say the same for those I may have offended unaware.  For all I know, there are some people in their late 20’s who remember me as a jerk from when I was a teenager.  And to them, I’m still a jerk, despite the fact they haven’t been around me or talked to me in over 10 years.  There’s no way for me to know how each individual classmate remembers me.

Unless they accept the fact that there’s a decent chance I’ve matured since then, I will always be that thorn.  There will always be a negative storm cloud associated with my name.

Here’s the thing with offending people: Unless you truly are a jerk, you’re not doing it intentionally. 

And the people who tend to be the most sensitive about getting their feelings hurt are often the people most likely to hold in their hurt and let it fester into bitterness.  And the ones who remember me in less than favorable terms would be the last to tell me.

Instead, they would just turn the other way.  And not make an effort to reconnect.

It’s ironic that we can use prejudice from a person’s behavior in 1998 to determine that they are still the same way in 2010.  Because let’s hope, at least, we’re not the same people we were back then.

But sometimes it’s just better not to open that door at all.  Sometimes it’s not a matter of hard feelings, necessarily, or not forgiving a person.  Sometimes it’s just best to not to rekindle a relationship and let our best basic instincts guide us to click “ignore”.

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we’d never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we’d ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

 -“The Freshmen” by The Verve Pipe

Why Eighties Movies are So Hard to Remake

 

And what happened to the genre of romantic comedies…

Back in October I was stuck at home for a few days with severe sinus and allergy problems, streaming Netflix instantly on my laptop all day. I decided to take a break with an ‘80’s movie that I had nothing but fond memories of since my family rented it on VHS when I was in the 3rd grade.  A movie that the general American population still only refers to with a smile and a goofy laugh: Weekend at Bernie’s.

I made it through 38 minutes before shutting it off.  That movie is so boring.  Not funny.  Too unbelievable.  It took them 33 minutes to kill Bernie, and by the time they finally did, I stopped caring.

As I thought more about it, ‘80’s movies aren’t easy to successfully remake because those cheesy, far-fetched, imagination-dependent ideas just don’t fly now that Aerosol hairspray isn’t clogging our brain anymore.  The Eighties were the only ten years that we would buy those concepts.

Like Tom Hanks in Splash (1984).  He falls in love with a mermaid.

Or Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf (1985).  He is a high school basketball star who happens to have inherited “the werewolf gene”.

Or Andrew McCarthy in Mannequin (1987).  He falls in love with a mannequin that comes to life at the mall he works at.

Or Tom Hanks in Big (1988).  He transforms from a boy to a man and falls in love with a grown woman. And just the record, it remains one of my all time favorite movies.

There was this reoccurring mix of fantasy and romance.  Often with drab dialogue.  But completely overshadowed by its towering gimmick of a plot.

These days, we’re too cool for silly ideas like that.  Since Terminator 2 impressed us with believable CGI (computer generated imagery) in 1991, then Jurassic Park in 1993, we’ve been straying from fantasy and romance, and focusing more on sci-fi with some romance.  Leading us to the days of Avatar and Transformers.  And most obviously, the soon-to-end TV series LOST.

And that’s why if today, if they Steven Spielberg remade Gremlins, it would be a hit.  Or Ghostbusters 3, if they ever actually end up making the movie.  Because that’s something the Eighties gave us that worked: horror and comedy along with sci-fi.  They are currently remaking Child’s Play.  And of course, the Nightmare on Elm Street remake comes out this Friday.

We adopted sci-fi horror comedies and sci-fi romance from the Eighties, but what haven’t translated over are romantic comedies and romantic dramas.  Yes, romantic comedies and dramas still exist.  A new one is released into theatres every week.

But overall, they’ve earned a lousy reputation.  Romantic comedies have become “chick flicks”, typically meaning they’re too predictable and cliché for a man to enjoy.  The “girl goes shopping and tries on ten different dresses for her girlfriends during a musical montage” scene.  Too familiar.

The Eighties pulled off romantic comedies.  They knew how to make them work for both men and women: Can’t Buy Me Love, The Princess Bride, Roxanne, When Harry Met Sally, Overboard.

But there’s only so much Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant a man can stand watching.  So what happened because of it?  Judd Apatow and his friends made the genre of bromantic comedies more popular than romantic comedies.  And not just films that feature Seth Rogan.  The Hangover and I Love You Man had nothing to do with Apatow.

I’m all for seeing a good romantic comedy.  Truly.  I like the good ones, unashamedly.  But it’s been a long time since one has been made.

It’s simply unnatural for the romantic genre to be catered towards women- because romance is about a man and a woman.  Because Katherine Heigl and a remote controlled dildo device don’t make a great team (reference to The Ugly Truth).  But Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan do.

After enough corny romantic comedies, we men got the point:  Romantic comedies are no longer for couples- they’re for single women.  So we avoid them and instead run to R-rated comedies featuring funny Jewish lead comedians like Paul Rudd and Jason Segal (Manspeak, Volume 7: Bromance).

The concept of romance in movies has become polarized.  Women watch chick flicks and men watch bromantic comedy.  Ironic.

As for romantic dramas these days, Nicholas Sparks pretty much has the monopoly on that: A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, The Last Song, Nights in Rodanthe.

Someone tragically dies.  A disapproving mother.  A Southern setting.  Got it.

So what can we say about remaking ‘80’s movies?  Some of them, many of them, most of them, need to stay where they belong- in the ‘80’s and in our fond memories.  But the ones that made us laugh, while freaking us out, while being drenched in sci-fi, well, we want more of those.  And the ones that were truly romantic, catering to both men and women, we want more of those.

We’ll always have a love/hate relationship with the Eighties.

LOST Recap: Season 6- The Kwon Kid

No, you didn’t miss a new episode of LOST last night.  But at 3:10 AM, I woke up with a minor revelation.

A lady who is interested in buying our house is coming over tonight.  Based on her name Jenny Sun (sounds a lot like Jin and Sun from LOST), I would say she’s Korean.  I also went to bed thinking about how bummed I was that it was a LOST rerun last night.

Sometimes in the moment right before I wake up, I have an interesting thought.  Last night was one of them.  I was thinking how I know I’m going to be frustrated when LOST ends because there will be questions never answered, especially from the first couple of seasons.

Like why did all the pregnant women on the island have miscarriages?

At this point, it’s safe to assume because of the strong magnetic force the island has.  It’s safe to assume that the Kwan Kid would not have survived until pregnancy, but in an act of fate, Sun escaped the island and her baby was born in Korea, safely.

However, Jin and Sun were definitely having marital problems during the months right before they crashed on the island.  But in addition to all the island’s many miraculous traits, the island is also an aphrodisiac.  Because ultimately, Jin and Sun got busy in their tent.

And don’t forget that Jin is sterile except for when he is on the island…

So in a way, Jin and Sun were chosen to come to the island.  If nothing else, simply to procreate, yielding the chosen Kwan.

This kid is special.  Chosen.  Chosen by the island for a greater purpose.

It took a lot to get her parents there so that she could be conceived.  It took even more for her actually to be born.

What I can’t predict is whether or not Jin and Sun will die once the Kwon Kid makes it to the island.  Will the island be finished with Jin and Sun then?  Hopefully not.

Now, let’s find out in next week’s episode my predictions are true.