unemployment

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dad from day one: The Role of Control in Life (and What That Has to Do with “Guest Towels”)

Week 11.

You are looking at a picture of our “guest towels”.  If you are one of the 7 (maybe less?) males to actually be reading this, you will be just as confused as I once was to learn that despite their name, guest towels, these are not actually towels intended for guests to use.  Granted, we do have extra towels for when guests do actually stay at our home- but those are in our “guest bathroom” on the other end of the house.  As a guy, who is unable to see any logic in having guest towels in the bathroom attached to our bedroom that are actually only there to look nice and for decoration, not actually for guests to use,  I found comfort in watching many male stand up comics who made a routine out of the same topic.

I am becoming more and more aware of how little control I actually have over my own life; much less my own house.  Because another common topic that married male stand up comics talk about is the fact that they don’t know where anything in their own house belongs: like the mixing bowl, the stapler, and of course, the real guest towels that are actually intended for guests for use.  And now it makes so much more sense why it is so common for the man of the house to spend time in his “man cave”, whether it is his garage, his shop, or even the yard.  Why? Because while in his solitude, he has a sense of control over something on the land he owns or rents.

Jack’s first taste of a pineapple.

I’m at a point in my life where I am constantly reminded of what little I actually do control right now.  With tomorrow reaching the 2 month mark of unemployment, the dignity of providing for my family has been surrendered. And without that, I also feel like I can’t control my time (because I feel guilty if I’m not constantly doing something constructive to find a job).  Starting on Christmas Day and ending yesterday (Groundhog Day), after my wife and son went to sleep each night, I would spend an hour or so revisiting my video game past.  I took take the time to go through all 3 Super Mario Bros. games on regular Nintendo, Super Mario World for Super NES, and New Super Mario Bros. for WII,  and beat them without using any Game Genies or Warp Zones (which again may only interest the 7 or less men reading this).  And while there is something seemingly pathetic about a jobless, 29 year-old guy cheering out loud because he beat Super Mario Bros. 3 for the first time in his life; for me, it was a major sense of accomplishment.

I controled those old-school, 8-bit Nintendo games.  And in some slightly true sense, I had control over my time as well.

I think it’s easy to overlook the importance of control in life.  Why is it that if you drive into certain “bad neighborhoods” that the residents stand in the road or take their sweet time crossing the street, knowing that you need to get by?  It’s gives them a sense of control.  Why are there rapists in the world?  Well, the easy answer is “the depravity of man” or “lust” or “an unfulfilled sex drive”.  But to me it’s pretty obvious that their hideous crime is also largely fueled by a lack of control in their own lives.  For more times than I can remember, it seems any time I watch a story on NBC Dateline about a rapist, he was emotionally, physically, or sexually abused growing up.  Some people will do anything for the sense of control in their own life.

So what can I do right now?  What can I actually control in my life at this moment? I can help with the basic needs of my son.  I can control whether or not he gets fed, held, played with, and nurtured.  And perhaps the best part, I can make him do funny, weird stunts to be featured on YouTube.  Because hey, what else am I going to do until I get a real job?

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Falling Downward in a God-Nudged Leap of Faith (Like Wile E. Coyote)

I’m still in it and eagerly looking to land.

When a person leaps from one ledge to another, there is that moment when they soar up into the air, then for a moment they are airborne but not yet falling back down to land.  That has been my leap of faith so far.  Now, I am in the descension of my God-nudged leap of faith.  In the most previous installment, Airborne from a God-Nudged Leap of Faith , I explained that my current inspiration for documenting this series is that my wife and I (along with our infant son) packed up our financially stable life in Nashville and moved to my hometown in Alabama.  Yes, it would either take a fool, or a guy who truly believed it was his calling from God, to do a crazy thing like that.

When I say I am falling, I don’t mean that I am losing faith in God’s providence, nor do I say it to signal that I am in a crisis mode in my life.  Obviously, being in this situation is very stressful, wearing, trying, and intense.  I have begun to question whether this seemingly absurd move was truly what God wanted us to do, or whether it was simply my own artistic attempt to live a simpler life.  Here’s what I know: Either way, at this point, it couldn’t be more clear that only God is in control of this.  And there’s obviously no one else I’d rather be in control. Whether or not I “should have” or “shouldn’t have” made this extreme decision in my life, God is still faithful and I am eager to bring attention to that.

At this exact minute, I’ve just had a visual pop into my head.  This whole time I’ve been picturing this leap of faith as me jumping across to another ledge of the same height.  But I don’t think that’s what this is.  Now I’m starting to see that I am actually jumping to a lower ledge, which requires even more faith and more strength than I realized.  It makes it much more difficult to even see where I am even supposed to land.

I have been wondering in these last couple of weeks how much spiritual warfare is involved in this story.  A few weeks ago, the job that I prayed that God would create a job for me here (since it evidently didn’t exist already in this small town) which would utilize my five years of marketing and sales experience along with my writing abilities.  And it happened.  Three weeks ago a local company called me ready for the interview, the position would start immediately, and I virtually had no competition.  And then, “Mr. Budget” flew in from the corporate office and made it clear that position would be postponed (for who knows how long…). I was told I had everything they were looking for and they were all excited to get me, but randomly, I lost out.  Not cancelled, at least.  But still, annoyingly, postponed.

In the likeness of the on/off switch as seen on the finale episode of Lost, I wonder if right now, there honestly is nothing I can do but wait- because the switch is off. Is it spiritual warfare on just simply bad timing?  God is well aware, He is constantly prayed to about the situation, and again, still in control and faithful.  It’s hard to feel completely overwhelmed and helpless when, ultimately, I have this strange, still, quiet peace about it all.  This is currently taped on the fridge door at my house:

“Teach me good judgement and discernment, for I rely on your commands.” -Psalm 119: 66

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Airborne from a God-Nudged Leap of Faith (Like a Fish Out of Water)

I’m in it right now.

In my third favorite movie of all time (#1 depending on which day you ask me) Garden State, there is a scene where Sam (played by Natalie Portman) is helping Andrew (played by Zach Braff) sort out bottled up childhood issues which have caused him to live off of a cocktail of anti-depressants since he was a child: “My mom always says that, when she can see I’m, like, working something out in my head. She’s like, ‘You’re in it right now’ and I’m looking at you telling this story, and you’re definitely in it.”  So what is it that I am working out in my head right now?  What is it than I am in?

In the middle of the summer of 2010 (about six months ago), I wrote Taking a God-Nudged Leap of Faith, explaining that in order to mature in the Christian faith, there are points in our lives where we have no option but to either trust that God is faithful and will provide.  During and after that process, we are left with the option of either publicly praising God or keeping it to ourselves.  I also said that I believe it is these times in life that as opposed to just leaving us as fools hanging high and dry, God would rather be glorified by providing us what it takes to get through the problem, not around or over it.  And now, as I am in it, airborne from one of these major God-nudged leaps of faith, I stand by my word and perspective.

On December 4th, 2010 (nearly two months ago), my wife and I moved from Nashville with our then newborn son, where we had good solid jobs because we believed we were supposed to move to my hometown where we would be surrounded by family and a slower pace, which we knew for us, would improve our quality of life.  We didn’t move with expectations of immediately finding a job.  And it’s a good thing we have low (and yet realistic) expectations, because so far, we have made zero income for well over a month now.  Granted, we saved a “nest egg” for the big move, but each week that passes obviously reminds us of the fact that at some point very soon, we will need to be able to make an income again.

But while it was important to have the proper expectations in our move regarding the level of difficulty in finding the right job, it’s also important for us to have the proper expectations of what God will do for our family of three, granted that we pray in all faith that God will provide a job so that we can provide for our family. At first, I would pray that God would provide the right job for me.  But then I got more creative and started praying that God would create the right job- because I believe if that’s what it takes, that’s what He can and will do for us.  It’s also important for me to keep in mind  that my particular situation is not at all unique to me: Surely all of us have ancestors than ended up here in America either by force, by fleeing, or by taking a leap of faith in hopes of a better life.

Really, my situation is completely unoriginal.  I am far from the first to pray to God about this, which to me is so much more of a reason to have faith in His faithfulness.  One of my most favorite verses in the Bible regarding faith is Hebrews 11:1 which says, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”  That nugget of truth is ironic and a bit of a paradox.  If I truly am assured in what I hoped for and I’m convicted of what I don’t see, my faith is no longer simply faith.  Instead, it’s simply knowing.  And that’s the kind of faith I’m choosing to adopt here.

Right now I am airborne- neither falling or flying.  Just waiting to land this jump. I may be “in it” now, but I know that soon, in God’s time, this moment will simply be a memorable point of reference in my life.

Things God has taught me to pray for because of being in this situation:

1) I pray that God will provide so that I can provide for my family.  I am completely recognizing that the only way I can support my family is if God supports me.

2) I pray God that will allow me to find favor with the right people.  I am completely recognizing that it’s not up to me or any other person; it’s in God’s hands alone.

3) I pray that God will create a path for me.  I am completely recognizing that maybe the way through this doesn’t already exist, but God is easily capable of speaking a path into existence.

4) I pray that when God does provide, that He will also provide multiple and creative ways that I can glorify Him for His faithfulness.