pizza

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Gorilla Costumes + Pizza Delivery = Awesomeness!

 

If I knew I couldn’t be arrested or die, there are certain social experiments I would like to participate in. They are not violent or hurtful at all. But they could easily go wrong if I wasn’t immune to police arrests or gunshots.

The one that comes to mind is this: I would dress in a gorilla costume and show up at someone’s front door with two hot pizzas. Mumbling in grunts that I was there to deliver their pizzas they had ordered (which they hadn’t), the goal would be to get them to take the pizzas. If that happened, I would walk back to my car nonchalantly and drive away. And the pizza-accepting family in the cul-de-sac would never receive an explanation of what happened. Just free, hot pizza.

 

While the thought of a person dressed up in a gorilla costume delivering pizzas to a family who did not order them may seem bizarre, we do live in a country where it’s normal and accepted for kids dress up in silly costumes in order to accept candy from strangers. And we call it a holiday.

Match point.

 

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Pizza is Awkward When It’s a Public Affair

Jay Leno, the great comedian, once said, “There is no such thing as bad pizza.” And with the exception of the slaughter-house and lard version made by Cici’s, I agree with Jay. But the bad thing about pizza is the over-bearing awkwardness it provides when involving a community set-up. I am a pizza loner.

At work when some people “all pitch in a few bucks” to order pizza at lunch, I don’t rush to get out my wallet. So much to consider: First of all, how much to I give? Five bucks? If so, how many slices does that grant me? Two? Or Three? I need to know. Can I just pay by the slice?

I am very greedy when it comes to pizza. And I am aware that pizza is very unhealthy. So when I do delve into its goodness, I’m all in. I want to be full so that means I need between 4 and 5 slices. And we will need to order something good.  Something besides pepperoni.  We need supreme pizza. Meat and veggies. That way it’s a full meal.

By nature, pizza is sinful. If I actually get enough to be full, then I’ve had way too much. It’s not like a chicken breast where there’s actual enough protein. Pizza is mainly carbs and fat. Pizza, like sin, is unfulfilling.

I only had one sibling growing up. And I was the first born. I hated group projects in school and college. Pizza brings out the worst in me.

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Giving in to the Addiction of Pickles

Pickles Make for Good Reading Material- Episode 1

Sunday night as I looked in the refrigerator for a delightful snack, a jar of Texas Pete pickles caught my eye. Much of the time, if I start eating pickles out of the jar, I end up consuming about 1/3 of the pickles before I can stop. And it’s not uncommon for my digestive system to reject them shortly afterwards. But I still go back a few weeks later and do it again, every time.

But this particular night, the sight of only three pickles left floating in that green water actually took me back to science class in college. I thought of the weird animal fetuses I saw in jars in the back closet, feeling bad for even looking at them. So I didn’t eat the pickles Sunday night.

 

Twice a year I eat an anchovy pizza, for good measure. Tonight was the night. Anchovies, onions, and jalapenos. The owner of the brick oven pizza restaurant delivered the pizza personally to my table and told me I am the 5th person ever to actually order anchovy pizza in all his years of running his local chain of restaurants. The combination of anchovies, onions, and jalapenos combined really gives a pickle sort of flavor. I call it Pickle Pizza.

So for the times I am tempted to eat 1/3 of a jar of pickles, I just have to remind myself: Pickle pizza!