Hoping My Son Makes TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras”

16 months.

Well, I didn’t win the Mega Millions lottery. So I figured out a plan to make the odds work for me, instead of against me: by entering my son in as many beauty pageants as possible. If I play my cards right, I may be able to catch the eye of one of the producers of TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras.”

From there, who knows? I’m thinking maybe our own spin-off show… Hey, it worked for The Duggars and Jon and Kate.

Needless to say, there are a lot less boys, especially in the toddler division, for these competitions.

So now that April has begun, we’ve have started investing the majority of our income tax returns in hiring a talent agent to help mold our son into what it takes to win.

The talent agent we’ve begun speaking with has already been very helpful. She explained that we will immediately need to start him on a proper “entertainer’s diet,” limiting his daily calories to only 2/3′s of what the average toddler would consume. I can live with that. Less money on groceries, you know what I mean?

He’s really got to look the part of a little gentleman. And that extra “baby weight” will only hold him back with the judges.

Secondly, the agent explained that if we’re really serious about this, we will consider “medical behavioral management” as well. It seems our 16  month-old son is already showing signs of ADHD and bipolar; from the hyperactivity, to the sudden mood swings, to the grandiose thoughts and conversations he tries to have with us, it’s getting a bit out of control.

So hello Ritalin! We’re not looking to be paid in Fool’s Gold, here. We’re in it to win it!

To tell you the truth, back in the Eighties when I was a kid, I always wanted to be one of the few boys in those pageants. It just kills me that I didn’t speak up and tell my parents.

Well, my son doesn’t have to tell me. I know this is his dream just like it is mine. And hey, if it’s not, I’m sure he’ll thank me one day when his college is paid for because he made it big on TV!

Anyway, wish us luck!

 

Does something seem fishy about this? Click here to found out why…

Classic Magic Moments in Parenting: #1 Ghetto Sweatpants

February 16, 2012 at 7:06 pm , by 

It’s that classic magic moment

in parenting

when you can tell

your kid

is embarrassed

to come home wearing

mysterious ghetto community

sweatpants

from daycare.

Kama Sutra For Parents of Young Children

February 14, 2012 at 6:56 pm , by 

14 months.

Just in time for the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I found this helpful illustration of Kama Sutra for us parents with small kids.

Through Facebook, I found it on another daddy blog, called How To Be A Dad. The clever artist behind this picture is Andy Herald.

By now, despite my purposely misleading title, it’s obvious the “Kama Sutra” positions I’m referring to are the hilarious sleeping positions that two parents and a baby end up in when they all share a bed. My personal favorite is “Jazz Hands.”

Back before our son was born, my wife and I fully intended to let our son Jack sleep in the bed with us, but it just never really mutually caught on. Thank God.

What was I thinking?!

For the first several months he slept in his Pack-N-Play next to our bed. Then at 7 months old, I trained him to sleep through the night, in his own bed. (Yes, I’m very proud of myself for that.)

love my son.

Without hesitation, I would die for him. But I wouldn’t let him sleep in the bed with my wife and I at this point.

It works for a lot of parents. And I honor and respect them doing what works for them.

Here’s the thing: I simply don’t care what other parents do. I have enough to keep me busy.

Sure, I offer up plenty of parenting advice here on The Dadabase, but that’s all it is: advice for parents who are like-minded or at least open-minded in regards to my way of parenting. It doesn’t mean I’m right. It just means I found what works for me and my kid.

Every child is different. And that scares me, because if  (big word) my wife and I end up having another kid, I hate the thought that he or she may not be the kind that will sleep through the night in a separate room and bed down the hall.

I would like to think that my son’s trained sleeping routine is simply because of my deliberate efforts, but what if I’m simply lucky and/or wrong?

In the likeness of Cesar Milan being able to train dogs to make him a 7 course dinner while polishing his shoes and trimming his goatee, I want to believe that I can train any child of mine to sleep through the night in a separate bed.

Only time will tell if I’m right.

Man… I hope I’m right.

*I invite you to check more hilarious illustrations like the one featured here, as well as really cool blog posts about fatherhood, by going to How To Be A DadThey’re on Twitter too; they have like 85,000 followers!  @HowToBeADad

 

Why We Parents Use Self-Deprecating Humor

January 26, 2012 at 10:41 pm , by 

14 months.

I feel like it’s pretty difficult to be in a conversation with any other parent without one of us making some kind of self-deprecating remark regarding the way we raise our kids.

While parenting is one of the most important jobs on the planet, there is no standard rating systemto know how well we are doing; nor is there an official playbook for raising a kid.

To go around regularly giving unsolicited advice to other parents is often not appreciated because it can easily give the impression of being an arrogant know-it-all.

And since overall, not knowing what we’re doing as parents is the norm, it’s best to recognize and work with this.

So to play it cool and make each other feel comfortable, and not competed against, we splice in quick insults towards ourselves like, “well if I wasn’t such a horrible parent, I would…” or “guess I won’t be winning Mom of the Year for that…”.

Interestingly, we hold ourselves up against the impossible standards of “Supermom” or “Superdad” in which we inspire to be like. On the extreme, however, are “that mom” and “that dad” who dramatically overdo it, perhaps hoping to appear as the real life “Supermoms” and “Superdads” that don’t actually exist outside of black-and-white 1960′s sitcoms and modern day urban legends.

To be so openly judgmental of ourselves makes it unnatural for anyone else to be subconsciously critical of us first. The tension is eased and we allow ourselves to feel normal.

As a fun little game, start noticing this in conversations you have with other parents over the next several days. See how long it takes before the other person says something like, “Half the time I’m lucky to even get the [insert household chore here] done, much less make sure I’m wearing socks that match. But hey, that’s what it’s like when you have these rugrats keeping you busy all the time.”

If you get bored with that game, you could make things more interesting by seeing how quickly you can be the one to insult yourself first by starting the conversation like so:

“I haven’t brushed my teeth today, I gave my kid chocolate syrup and Twizzlers this morning for breakfast, and not to mention, I’m so lame I have the song ‘Don’t Bite Your Friends’ from Yo Gabba Gabba as my cell phone’s ring tone. Seriously, what happen to the cool version of me?”

 

5 Ways My Son Actually Reminds Me of Myself