November 9, 2011 at 11:51 pm , by Nick Shell

Eleven months.

Babies can get away with so much that we adults never could. Since they’re too young to realize they are breaking the rules of adult social expectations, their behavior is not only excused, but it also becomes slightly hilarious entertainment. Based on the things I’ve observed my 11 month old-son do in public, here are the top 5 things he does that are cute because he does them, but if I did them, I would be a moron.

1) Stumbling around the room for the fun of it. My son Jack has recently learned to walk; though technically I should call it toddling. I can’t remember the last time I stood in the middle of a crowded room and laughed and grunted as I stumbled 12 feet into every direction for no apparent reason. If I did that, it would be (and should be) assumed that wasn’t oregano on my pizza.

2) Wearing pajamas as normal attire. I see what my kid gets to wear everyday, and frankly, I’m jealous. Essentially, he wears a glorified version of pajamas every single day. Every day is Casual Friday for him… really, really casual.

3) Making a mess with food. You know all those “roadhouse style” restaurants where you get to throw the peanut shells on the floor? That’s every meal that my son eats. He eats his food until he’s no longer hungry; which at that point, the leftover food becomes a toy. Or maybe he pretends he’s throwing candy from a float in a parade.

4) Putting things in his mouth that just fell on the floor. Okay, I admit, I’m not jealous about this one. Heck, I’ve watched him lay down and lick the floor itself for fun. To him, the floor is not dirty; it evidently tastes like Skittles and makes everything that falls onto it taste like a rainbow as well. It’s the modern version of the Midas Touch.

5) Passing gas. I’ve been a dad for nearly a year now and so far, I’ve never been able to resist laughing when Jack releases a fluffy air biscuit- especially when he does it at church. Actually, maybe this should have been #1, now that I think about it. I guess the question is this: Which is worse, to seem like you’re crazy or to be rude?

Well, if you’re a baby, you’re neither. Instead, you’re cute either way!

November 7, 2011 at 8:08 pm , by Nick Shell

Eleven months.

Not that we ever have the patience to go out for a meal with our son, but when we rarely do, it’s a safe bet that when we leave the restaurant, the waiter or waitress will have some smashed Cheerios under the table to deal with. But it’s okay; we have a “Parent Pass.”

Did we just show up 35 minutes late? Oh, that’s alright. Our wrinkled clothes with dried baby formula on them make it very clear: We have a Parent Pass.

It’s not that I’m ever intentionally trying to look cool by growing a 10 day-old beard. The truth is, four days go by (which is evidently the point of now return) without me having 90 seconds in the morning to use my electric razor. And this happens often. Parent Pass.

Similar to recently reformed zombies, first-time parents of young children like myself are still suffering from the culture shock of living in a different version of reality called parenthood. Therefore, we may appear to be any (if not all) of the following:

Frantic, dazed, confused, exhausted, unkept, unprepared, on edge, or checked out.

(No, I’m not describing a sterotypical pot head from any movie starring Seth Rogen.)

Those with a Parent Pass earn an unspoken level of (un)pitied respect from onlookers and bystanders. It’s not even a case of “takes one to know one.” Common sense says that parents of young children, especially, are constantly a bit preoccupied.

This constant preoccupation isn’t a good thing for people like me who are already awful multi-taskers. To make it worse, I’m easily distracted by the very thing I’m not supposed to be paying attention to; whatever it is. I think I fall in the “dazed and confused” category more so than the other adjectives from my list above.

I’ve recently realized that I unintentionally started my own catch-phrase; I say it at least three or four times a day: ”Say that again?”

Yes, I’m constantly a page behind and a card short of the deck. I do expect this to change, though. I don’t know at what point I’ll get normal again, but I was never that normal to begin with.

As for now, I’m totally going to take advantage of my Parent Pass; while I still have a reasonable excuse for my Keanu Reeves-ness.

November 6, 2011 at 4:01 pm , by Nick Shell

Eleven months.

As our son Jack is approaching his first birthday on November 16th, my wife and I are doing our best to help him transition into eating solid foods. After all, he has eight teeth now so he might as well be using them.

The thing is, he doesn’t really have an appetite for much more than bananas and wheat bread. Granted, he did take a bite of a styrofoam cup last weekend… and I assume he swallowed it.

It’s weird having to train your kid: “Cheese, good. Styrofoam, bad.”

But that’s where we’re at. In the midst of this, we’re still unpacking from our move back into our townhouse in Nashville. On a recent fateful Thursday, my wife brought us home some leftover boxed lunches from where she works at Vanderbilt University.

While we normally don’t have chips in the house, there was a small bag of plain Baked Lay’s potato chips in each of our free lunches. So maybe for the sake of curiosity; or maybe more in an attempt to entertain ourselves, we gave him a Baked Lay’s potato chip to try out. And this is what happened:

There are so many hilarious things about this 39 second video clip and they are all very subtle. It’s the kind of clip you really need to watch at least three times before you start understanding why it’s so funny and entertaining.

First off, he’s sitting on a box like an old man; or as my sister phrased it, “like a bumpkin.” He very carefully takes each bite of the chip, then looks over to my wife for approval every time.

Thirteen seconds in, he makes a face that says, “Kinda sour, but not too shabby.”

My favorite part about it is when he looks over at my wife the third time, 23 seconds into the clip, like he’s about to say something but then instantly decides against it.

It’s as if he stopped eating to convey, “Hey, I really like this thing.” But then he was afraid if he did, we would take the chip away from him because it’s not as healthy as the vegetables and fruit we normally give him to eat.

Oh, and the crumb on his lip! Classic.

I do want to take this moment to invite you to the official Facebook fan page for The Dadabase, which doubles as my son’s official fan page on Facebook. By joining, you’ll see exclusive pictures and videos of Jack before I ever write about them here on Parents.com; if they even do make it to The Dadabase.

So in other words, you’ll get exclusive content about my son Jack; plus, you’ll be notified immediately every time I publish a new post on The Dadabasebecause you’ll see the link on your news feed.

Want to join my son’s cool Facebook club?

Here’s one more chance: Join here.

Thanks for joining The Dadabase on Facebook!

November 1, 2011 at 6:18 am , by Nick Shell

Eleven months.

Note to self: This is just a private journal entry you wrote to help you serve as your own psychiatrist. Be careful not to press the “publish” button on this one. If you accidently do somehow, delete the post immediately!

No, my cell phone ringtone isn’t “California Gurls” by Katy Perry. It’s actually the theme song to the 1980′s show, Knight Rider.

And no, I don’t secretly have an obsession with Glee. (I’d almost rather watch 16 and Pregnant, which I loathe with a passion!)

However, there are certain habits concerning my actions as a father that I will never publicly admit to; especially not here on The Dadabase. After all, I don’t want to paint myself as a lazy, dimwitted dad who doesn’t do things by the book.(I’m not sure what all-compassing book I’m referring to there, by the way.)

So without any further ado, here are five things this dad won’t publicly admit:

1. I am sometimes that stereotypical unshaven dad you see on commercials; wearing a baseball cap and a goofy t-shirt, who was sent to the grocery store by his wife, cluelessly searching for an item that apparently doesn’t exist. When he does find the item, then he becomes even more dazed and confused as he has to figure out which exact variety he’s supposed to get. (This happened to me last Sunday as it became my mission to retrieve “oven surface cleaner.”)

2. My son’s diaper bag has become my newest official fashion accessory whenever I’m out anywhere with him and my wife. As I throw the strap around my neck and over my shoulder, I actually imagine it as an electric guitar I am strapping on instead; as I am preparing to play a rockin’ performance at the cafe of Whole Foods Market.

3. I often drive the scenic route if I know my son is asleep in his car seat. There was a day last week where my wife had to work late at work. It’s amazing how it took me an hour to drive home that day when it would normally only take 35 minutes. Not any bad traffic, no rain… just a coincidence, I guess. Turns out, I got home around the same time as my wife; despite her getting home so late.

4. I keep my son in wet diapers; for like, a really long time. I learned from the movie Meet the Fockers, “If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.” If my son isn’t going to say anything, neither am I. Diapers can get expensive, man.

5. When one of his toys falls on the floor, I don’t wipe it off before it inevitably ends up back in his mouth. On the same token, I may have pretended not to watch as he has eaten morsels of bread off the floor that he lost from when he was eating in his high chair a few minutes before.

It’s safe to say I won’t be winning “Dad of the Year.” That is, as long as no one finds this stuff out about me.

Good thing I made my very own “Dad of the Year” award anyway!