It’s so obvious, yet I’ve never really given it much thought until now: You choose your spouse and you choose your friends… but you don’t choose your family.

That means you have to learn to appreciate all the quirks of your family members… as they have to learn to deal with yours!

One of the trends you may remember from this past  Christmas was where families were posting their customized and personalized matching “Most Likely” t-shirts.

Thanks to my sister-in-law Jen, our family was able to participate in this fun trend. She was certainly accurate in choosing the most appropriate shirt for each member of our family.

That is interesting and fascinating to me:

People outside of your own immediate family can often pinpoint a particular fun character trait for each person… perhaps better than if you chose one for yourself.

My wife is the event planner of our family: “Mostly likely to organize the presents”. Our son is the curious, activity-based one: “Mostly likely to go fishing with Santa.” Our daughter is basically a personified kitten: “Most likely to be the cutest.”  And me… I don’t want to be told what to do, especially if it’s what everyone else is doing: “Most likely to hate this shirt.”

While my wife and I certainly did choose to spend our lives together, we didn’t fill out paperwork to choose our kids’ personalities… nor did they choose what their parents’ personalities would be like.

Especially due to the fact I am certified in Enneagram personality assessment, I see the potentially conflicting dynamics even more clearly than most people might.

I also can’t help but notice the obvious patterns in which people tend to choose their spouse and friends based on the person either A) being one of the Enneagram numbers next to their own or B) in their path of growth or stress.

For example, my wife is Enneagram 2 and I am Enneagram 8. When she is in stress mode, her personality morphs into an 8, which is my main number.

Similarly, when I am at my best, my personality morphs into hers: As an Enenagram 8, I act more like a 2.

In other words, we naturally understandly each other at our best and worst.

I also know several married couples who fit this dynamic where one spouse is Enneagram 6 and they are married to an Ennagram 9. Same concept: They become each other at either their best or worst.

When people don’t marry their “growth/stress” number in Enneagram, they tend to marry the number next to them. For example, it is pretty common for an Ennneagram 1 to be married to either an Enneagram 9 or an Enneagram 2: both of which are the numbers next to them.

These patterns exist in friendships as well: We naturally gravitate towards people who “get us”, though they are not just like us.

With all that being said, your kids may not conveniently happen to be your “Enneagram neighbor” or in your growth/stress path. That means it requires extra effort to understand them.

Or as I said earlier, you have to learn to appreciate all the quirks of your family members… as they have to learn to deal with yours.

I would theorize that this is why it is pretty common for employers, churches, and community groups to proclaim, “We’re all like a big family here!”

Translation: We didn’t necessarily choose each other individually, but we have figured out how to work with each other’s strengths and how to work around each other’s weaknesses.

It was only a year ago that I was finally able to be honest with myself, after hearing constantly unanimous feedback from family, friends, and coworkers who truly know me in real life… that my Enneagram number is 8… also known as “the challenger”.

If you Google, “Which Enneagram is the hardest to live with?”, my number immediately is the one that comes up. I finally owned up to it and made it official at my wife’s work party where they featured a customizable hat bar. I borrowed the words of Taylor Swift for my hat:

“It’s me. Hi! I’m the problem. It’s me!”

So the next time you become accutely aware of another person’s quirks, just ask yourself, “Uh oh… what quirks of mine do other people have to deal with?”

I am the exception. I am perfectly normal in every way… obviously!