behavior

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Dear Jack: Daddy, You’re Too Small And You’re A Bad Boy!

3 years, 10 months.

Dear Jack: Daddy, You’re Too Small And You’re A Bad Boy!

Dear Jack,

Sunday night, randomly during the middle of dinner, after a very busy, non-stop, adventurous weekend with Mommy and me, you turned to me and made a proclamation:

“Daddy, you’re too small and you’re a bad boy!”

It was one of those times when I just froze, in order to keep from laughing at the absurdity of your unprovoked “insult” to me. I didn’t want to encourage your behavior by allowing you to see me smiling.

I recognize that you’re not yourself when you’re that tired and hungry. While Mommy and I did have to verbally explain to you that that’s not how you talk to me or her, I have to admit I can’t legitimately count statements like that as “bad behavior.”

As I hope will be reflected in my upcoming interview in Nashville’s The Tennessean, I recognize there are 3 main reasons why you “act up.” You’re either tired, hungry, or in need of attention.

There has yet to be a reason for you “getting in trouble” other than those 3 things.

I feel that as your Daddy, it’s up to me to help provide for those needs. It’s my job to make sure you get your naps and bedtime in according to your schedule, to give you food when you’re hungry (even though you yourself don’t realize you’re hungry), and to interact with you when you’re needing conversation.

In other words, you never just come out and say, “I’m hungry” or “I’m tired” or “I want someone to pay attention to me.”

Instead, you “misbehave.”

And I can relate: When I’m tired, hungry, and for lack of a better phrase, “in need of attention,” I’m the same way.

But going back to what you told me, I’m still cracking up that you randomly informed me that I’m too small and a bad boy.

Mommy suggested that your insult was based on reoccurring storylines from Thomas & Friends episodes where, so often, the plot line revolves around one of the trains being too small to pull the freight.

As for the “bad boy” part, I think that’s you referencing other boys at school who get in trouble on a regular basis.

So, I’m too small and I’m a bad boy.

Not bad for an insult from a nearly 4 year-old.

Love,

Daddy

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The Honorary Pack Leader

Who’s the boss?  The one whose example people actually follow.

As my wife has been finishing up her Master’s program in Childhood Education, she recently opened my eyes to a simple concept I never realized before: Children crave structure.  And when there is no structure, no outlined expectations, no explained behavior guidelines for them, chaos proceeds.  Kids look for the “pack leader” (as Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan explains regarding the dog world) to help instruct them on how to be productive and helpful in their society.

This “aim to please” mentality doesn’t disappear once we enter the adult world.  Though it may be easier to complain about a superior or an authority figure behind their back than it is to praise them in person for keeping us the security they provide, we still recognize them as the pack leader.  There’s still an understood respect we hold for them, because after all, we still crave structure and the pack leader is the main supplier.  And we all have a personal need to be needed.

But in addition to the established leader and teacher of the group, there is the honorary leader, who may have no official important title, but still guides others by his or her actions and attitude.  And in my opinion, this “honorary pack leader” has more impact that the established pack leader: For all practical purposes, the honorary pack leader is the actual pack leader.

In all social circles (clubs, churches, sports, work environments, etc.), it’s the person who establishes what being “on time” means, who sets the work pace for the group because his or her peers mimic the honorary pack leader’s own level of activity, and who has an overall calm-assertive attitude.  In other words, this person knows how to respect the establishment’s own politics (a major key to survival); and yet how to stay out of them as well.

It’s the person who the general population follows by example, not necessarily because he or she is the most outspoken or demands the most attention, but because the honorary pack leader naturally takes the most productive, logical, and sincere path to success (or at least the path of safety from being picked out as the slacker or weakest link).  And others notice.  There are always established leaders in a group, and sure, they make the rules.  But the honorary pack leader makes the rules that the rest of the group actually follows.

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Unsolicited Advice is Like Fruitcake

Like fruitcake, it’s a popular gift.  And like fruitcake, it’s usually not received with sincere gratitude.

Yesterday I read someone’s facebook status update saying they are “sick and tired of getting unsolicited advice about how to raise my kids”.  A flood of comments followed from people who agreed, along with several “likes this”.  Good call.

Because there is actually a difference between constructive criticism and unsolicited advice- the “unsolicited” part.  And of course I’m not referring to family or close friends- it’s their job to give you unsolicited advice, because they’re more apt to “get through” to you in their approach, as well as knowing you well enough to give relevant advice.

And “relevant” is an important word.  Because part of the reason unsolicited advice is so obnoxious is that it’s often irrelevant to to us.

There are many times in my life where I really want someone’s advice.  So I ask for it, specifically from the people who I believe have the most intuition and wisdom on the subject.  The irony of receiving unsolicited advice is that the people most likely and eager to give it are often the ones who I would never ask anyway.

Which means sometimes I have to stay strong to resist from giving others advice when they haven’t asked for it, lest I be “that guy”.

It all comes down to a social cue that many people feel is disregarded- like their personal life is being intruded upon when someone gives me advice they didn’t ask for.  Because giving advice (warranted or not) is a form of giving criticism.  And when it comes to receiving criticism, most people aren’t truly that open to it- unless they are directly asking a specific trusted individual for it.

Granted, there are times when people put themselves in a situation that invites advice, indirectly.  Any kind of public facebook message will do the trick.  Anything I write about on my site is always open to criticism and advice; that’s why I allow comments.  I like hearing others’ perspectives on raising a kid and I welcome comments on my “dad from day one series”.  That’s intended as a shared experience.

But it’s those people in our “outer circles” that tend to be the key offenders.  The ones most likely to bring to your attention that you’ve gained some weight, got a big zit on your forehead, are starting to lose your hair,  or announce in front of everyone that you appear to be in a bad mood.  These people obviously don’t intend to offend us; they honestly mean well.

It’s just that no one taught them basic social behavior lessons.  And the thing is, they’ll probably never get a clue.  So what do I do when I get unsolicited advice from a person who isn’t too keen on social clues?  Give ‘em a half-sincere smile, shake my head “yes”, and change the subject.

And I’ve also noticed that these same people so eager to help us are often the most likely to go into details about their personal life, telling everyone stories that no one asked to hear.  They are eager to “help” us because they need help themselves.

I guess ultimately, being given uninvited advice is in a way like someone telling you who to be.  And for those of us who definitely know who we are, it’s if nothing else, plain annoying, to be told we are going to become like someone else who lives their own life by a different code.

There’s something that keeps us from wanting someone else to be able to figure us out.  It’s accurate to say that there’s nothing truly new under the sun.  But still we thrive on the freedom to live life as an individual, not based on both the idiots and geniuses who have done this thing before us.

P.S.  By the way, in my opening I had to use fruitcake as a universal example that most people would relate to- when in fact, I am actually a big fan of fruitcake.