Talking is hard.

And I feel like the rules are changing everyday.

I thought it was a good thing to compliment a person if it appears they have lost weight. But I have learned that may be implying the person didn’t already look good before. Or maybe they have a medical condition that is causing them to lose weight but their overall health is being negatively effected.

As for acknowledging a woman who appears to be pregnant? Nope. That baby has to be in her arms before I will even retroactively acknowledge she was ever pregnant.

I’ve learned to never assume two people are already married just because they have a kid together, or that they plan to get married just because they have been together a long time, or that they are still married just because they were married the last time I saw them a few years ago.

The thing is… I don’t care. I have no desire to pass judgment on anyone. I’m just trying to show that I am a caring and curious human being who is making an effort to connect with and validate another human being’s sense of reality.

Talking is hard.

I lived in Nashville for nearly 20 years. There was only one time when someone I knew passed away and I went to their funeral.

However, since moving back to my hometown here in Alabama last May, there has hardly been a month when I haven’t been at the funeral home for a visitation: Growing up in a town of 14,000 people, I pretty much indirectly know everyone. I want to show up for the people in my life who are going through the grieving process.

But I make a point to not really say anything at the visitation. I just hug the person who lost a loved one. The way I see it, there’s nothing I really can say that is going to make the situation better, other than making the effort to show up for them in that moment.

I hear other people give them classic funeral lines like, “Just imagine, they’re dancing on streets of gold with Jesus right now!” or “If you need anything, you just let me know.”

That’s totally fine that they say that. It’s just that as for me, I feel much more comfortable with a “less is more” approach in general, when trying to figure out what to say.

What I am learning as a default template is this: Let the other person talk, then ask a general question based on the specific information they give me.

From there, like a clever detective, I can determine the safest follow-up questions to ask, while still showing genuine interest in their life.

If they choose to share with me that they lost 30 pounds, I will immediately congratulate them on the discipline it took them to reach that amazing accomplishment.

If they choose to tell me they and their spouse are trying, yet struggling, to have a child, I will sincerely match the emotion of sadness, mixed with hope, that they are feeling.

I get it now: I know not to dismiss whatever emotion the person is experiencing; but instead, to embrace and validate it.

Like it says in the Bible, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.”

Perhaps for people with a personality like mine, it’s naturally easy to “choose joy”. But it’s not necessarily “positive vibes” that the other person needs that day. Maybe they need me to grieve with them in that moment or to acknowledge that it makes sense they would feel angry and confused.

We just want to help people feel better. And sometimes we can.

But sometimes what they need most is for us to symbolically hold up a mirror to the emotion they are feeling as to say, “Yes, you do feel this way right now. You need to experience this emotion to cope. I am here as a witness to what you are going through. I am a human being too, so based on my own personal life experiences, I can relate to you on some level in regards to this emotional state you are in.”

Ultimately, we are all on a journey of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. At some point, we have all been on the receiving end of a well-meaning person saying the wrong thing. And yes, we ourselves have also been the well-meaning person who told someone else the wrong thing.

Talking is hard.

I make an assumption that the other person is doing the best they can. Maybe their compliment of “you look great for your age” is just where they are in their limited understanding of how a successful compliment actually works.

It’s okay. We’re all trying.

For all I know, the way I attempted to tackle this challenging, complicated and confusing topic today was actually “too much”… or tone deaf… or politically incorrect.

That’s okay. Just like you, I’m figuring this all out as I go along, too.