Storytelling

Leave a comment Posted on parenting, Storytelling

The Difference Between Punishing And Disciplining My Child

August 15, 2012 at 11:15 pm , by 

20 months.

What if we aimed for the same outcome for adults who do us wrong as we do our own kids when we discipline them?

I mean, instead of instantly wishing that a person suffers, what if we honestly hoped to see them restored to decency?

What if instead of wishing for annihilation for our enemies and frenemies, we wished for restoration and positive progress?

If I take away my son’s security blanket/girlfriendor put my son in time-out for no reason, then I am punishing him.

But if I do either of those things after I already warned him against something and he refused to cooperate, then I am simply following through with disciplining him.

To me, that is the difference.

It’s punishment if there is no cause. It’s discipline if it serves a purpose to make my child a better human being.

I’ve said it before: Disciplining a child is a weird thing.

Everyone has their own approach to it that they feel most comfortable with and find to be the most effective. But I’m for certain that no parent disciplines their child in secret hopes of making them suffer indefinitely for their offenses.

Instead, we want our children to mature and become less selfish. We want the best for them. By doing so, we make the world a better place.

So here’s something I think is messed up about us as adults: It’s way too easy for us to want to see other people cursed and suffer when they offend us, rather than them being blessed and enriched.

If someone cuts us off in traffic, they are automatically a jerk who deserves to be flipped off.

No matter how good of a person they may be outside of that single moment. Forget about how hard they work for their family and how they help others out of the goodness of their hearts.

For cutting us off, they become labeled as idiots who have no hope of redemption.

In fact, in that heat of the moment, the thought of that person being redeemed is absurd. It’s natural and easy to generalize them into an evil and moronic imbecile who intends to make your life hell; or at least annoying.

Simply said, we want that person to suffer. Who cares about forgiveness, redemption, or reconciliation.

And then, for all we know, the next day we coincidentally see them at the gas station and they say to us, “Excuse me, but you dropped this.”

They hand to you your debit card which slipped out of your wallet. You thank them; neither of you even aware of the incident the day before.

We discipline our children to help them, not privately wish bad things upon them. Yet we so easily want to judge and punish those who slightly offend us or have the opposite view as we do on a political or parenting issue that doesn’t even personally concern us.

By the way, if you live in Nashville, I’ve probably cut you off before on the road. But only because you seemed to be going slower than you actually were, but I realized it only after I had already pulled out in front of you.

Oops. My bad.

Here’s a quote from my favorite song right now, performed by 10th Avenue North:

“Why do we think that hate’s gonna change their heart?
We’re up in arms over wars that don’t need to be fought
But pride won’t let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and then it’ll stop
But truth be told it doesn’t matter if they’re sorry or not”

 

Leave a comment Posted on parenting, Storytelling

Why I Don’t Call My Son “Buddy” Like The Cool Dads Do

August 14, 2012 at 11:39 pm , by 

20 months.

I’ve never called my son “Buddy.”

No, it’s not that I’m one of those parents who takes things too seriously; proclaiming that calling my son such a casual nickname willcause him to respect me less in the long run.

Nor am I bitter that my dad wouldn’t let me get a My Buddy doll when I was a kid in the Eighties, so therefore I just boycott the word altogether.

Ultimately, I just don’t think I have the right personality for it. I watch my good friend (andthe most talented photographer I know) Joe Hendricks play with his son:

“Hey there little Buddy! Look at you starting to walk! That’s my main man! What a champ!”

That will never be me. I’ll never talk like that. I could never pull it off.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

It’s just that my friend Joe is more of a Buddy kind of guy than I am or ever will be.

He is the epitome of the nickname “Buddy.” Not only does everyone I know happen to know Joe, but he’s the kind of guy you want to be your friend if he’s not already.

As for me, I’m more an introvert/extrovert hybrid. And I never refer to my own friends by that word. I never say, “Yeah, last weekend me and one of my buddies…”.

I use the much less interesting and affectionate term, friend, instead for my… friends.

So what word do I use for my son when I am talking to my him?

Son.

As I unpack my subconscious on this, I realize that I enjoy reminding myself that I am his father. I find a lot of my value as a human being in being a dad.

I suppose I choose son because it makes me feel good about myself. It carries this idea of mentorship, especially when I use it to instruct him:

“Alright Son, pick up your toys, then we can go downstairs and watch Elmo.”

“Son, come with me. We’re going to try out our new jogging stroller.”

“You have a good night, Son. I love you.”

To me, the word carries a lot of emotional and spiritual meaning with it. Plus, it goes without saying that packaged into the word son is friend.

But it’s all personal preference and it doesn’t matter in the end.

The dads who call their son “Buddy” are doing what’s right for them and their relationship with their son, as are those of us who use another name instead.

People show affection and emotion in different ways. And I think all this talk right now about a man calling his son “Buddy” is just simply a reflection of that.

Leave a comment Posted on parenting, Storytelling

My Toddler Son, The Mine-O-Saur: “Mine! Mine! Mine!”

August 13, 2012 at 10:31 pm , by 

20 months.

“The only time you should look into your neighbor’s bowl is to make sure they have enough,” comedian Louis C.K. awkwardly tells his daughter on an episode of his FX show, Louie.

Well said, Louis.

And what a pertinent time to hear such a wise proverb. Because my 20 month-old son, as adorable is he may be, has become a completeMine-O-Saur.

Like the titular character in the book by Sudipta Bardhan-Quallen, Jack now feels the need to announce ownership of his toys to any other child who visits our home:

“Mine!”

As an adult, I think about how seldom in life it’s really ever necessary to have to proclaim “Mine!” to anyone. Yet in the mind of a toddler, he has exclusive ownership of these toys my wife and I worked hard to buy for him.

I look forward to the day when Jack will be able to better understand the point of a wonderful song by Jack Johnson, from the Curious George movie soundtrack, “The Sharing Song.”

The main line from the chorus is this: “It’s always more fun to share with everyone.”

As an adult, I know how true it is. Even if it’s as simple as something like when I offer a piece of gum or a snack to a coworker, I enjoy the sense of helping someone else, despite it being in the smallest of ways.

This past weekend, Jack got to the point where he didn’t even want to go into the living room because his little cousin Calla was there playing with his toys.

He couldn’t tolerate the thought of her playing with blocks that came from the same container. If Calla chose a different toy altogether, then Jack would get upset because she was still playing with one of his toys.

So a couple of time-out sessions were earned.

If only toddlers could get it that it’s cool to share. I never really thought about this before, but I guess toddlers don’t care too much about being cool or how society views them.

Toddlers are too sophisticated for something as juvenile as peer pressure.

1 Comment Posted on parenting, Storytelling

Handcuffs For Toddlers: Bad Idea? You Decide

August 12, 2012 at 10:41 pm , by 

20 months.

There is a buzz on the Internet I intend to start right now about the idea of handcuffing your toddler during their time-out sessions for bad behavior.

I am one of those parents who is attempting not to spank my child; instead focusing heavily on setting concrete expectations and follow-through for age-appropriate discipline, which does not include any form of hitting.

So by going the time-out route, I am ultimately saying this to my child:

“Instead of me physically punishing you by smacking you on the butt with my hand or a fly swatter or a paddle, I am going to socially separately you from the society of this house.

Sure, it will only be for about 2 minutes since you are about 2 years old, but you will despise it.

You will be separated from the people you love the most and who love you the most. You will be contained in your crib, which has bars like a prison. Your freedom will be temporarily be taken away.

I intend to punish you psychologically, which will in turn hopefully help to discipline you.”

Granted, I always explain to my son why he is being sent to what I call “Baby Alcatraz.” He has to say he is sorry to the person he hurt and/or offended.

I hug him afterwards and remind him that I love him. Then I say something like, “Okay, now let’s have a fun rest of the day.”

This past weekend, my sister, her husband, and their 13 month-old daughter came to visit us here in Nashville from two and a half hours away.

Though my son doesn’t have trouble sharing his toys in daycare, he evidently does here at the house. Because as he kept reminding his younger little cousin, the toys she was playing with were “MINE!”

He ended up pushing her down on the floor and hitting my sister really hard on the shin with a TV remote.

Needless to say, I escorted him upstairs to Baby Alcatraz. Twice within 20 minutes.

During that dramatic escapade, I thought to myself, “Why aren’t I arresting him with plastic toy handcuffs when I do this?”

Maybe it would help drive home the point that he is not permitted to use his hands to hurt other people.

Is “arresting” your toddler with play handcuffs really so horrible of an idea? Whether you spank them or put them in time-out, you’re still punishing them in the process of discipline.

I want to avoid physically striking my child, though I’m obviously okay with physically restraining him. What would be so bad about putting him behind bars and handcuffing him on the way there? Seems consistent to me.

Having to discipline your kid is weird and annoying anyway; are toy plastic handcuffs during time-out really so awful?

Stop me from buying plastic toy handcuffs to arrest to my son for time-out. Or support the absurd idea.

Okay, go…

Top image: Plastic toy handcuffs, via Shutterstock.

Bottom image: Adorable funny baby boy, via Shutterstock.

Leave a comment Posted on parenting, Storytelling

“Kid Still In The Car Seat” Awareness

August 9, 2012 at 11:16 pm , by 

20 months.

About 24 hours ago, I published “How Do Parents Leave Their Kids Alone In A Hot Car?!”

To summarize it, I basically said that I feel like every time I hear another “parent left their kid alone in the hot car” story, it’s always that the parent was a bit looney to begin with.

I ended it with this:

“But really, I don’t know, do non-crazy parents end up leaving their kids alone in the car? Do they?”

The answer is yes.

Good, normal parents who are respected in their community have unfortunately accidently left their kids alone in a hot car.

The most common way this seems to happen: They simply forgot to drop off their kid, who was quiet in the back seat.

Here are a couple of links to prove it:

http://www.cnn.com/2012/07/12/living/hot-car-deaths-parenting/index.html#

http://www.wsmv.com/story/19231074/experts-heat-related-incidents-with-kids-in-cars-can-happen-to-anyone

As I mentioned in this post’s prequel, I totally see how I could forget my son in the back seat of my car, on a morning when he is really tame on the drive and while I am very preoccupied with 17 random thoughts and 8 that actually are important.

But I want to make sure I never do forget.

I read this statement from the Safe Kids Worldwide CEO, Kate Carr, who had some advice for parents to prevent forgetting their child in the car:

“Create reminders by putting something in the back of your car – a briefcase, your purse, or better yet, your cell phone – that is needed at your final destination. This is especially important if you’re not following your normal routine.”

So, yeah, I’m going to start doing that. Starting today.

Now that I know it’s not just a stereotype of a parent who accidently leaves their kid in the car seat on a hot summer day, I’m ready to spread awareness.

What better way to do that than with another one of my glorious awareness ribbons?

For the record, I think awareness ribbons are annoying by now and are well past the “jumped the shark” point. And for me, that’s why they work. They spread awareness, even if through sheer tackiness like an infomercial.

So as I look at this orange “Kid Still In The Car Seat” Awareness ribbon that took me about 90 seconds to create on PicFont.com, I will be reminded to start leaving my cell phone in the back seat next to my son from now on.

Not to mention, I don’t need the added danger of tempting myself to text my wife while I’m driving.

I want to set good, preventative habits as a parent.

Thanks to those of you who left comments on ”How Do Parents Leave Their Kids Alone In A Hot Car?!”  You led me here and I think I’m a better parent for it.