Spirituality

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The Perceived Idea of Complete Control over Our Lives

Bummer, man.

I’ve learned something about disappointments that has recently helped me to deal with them a whole let better: It’s not so much about the fact that I’m not getting my way. It’s more about the fact I had already set my mind on one thing and now am getting something else instead.

Let’s assume we’re not childish. Let’s assume that we don’t let our day become ruined because they were all out of Hazelnut syrup at Starbucks and we had to settle for vanilla, which when it comes down to it, we like just as much.

The problem is the change itself in the plans. It’s not my way that got compromised, it’s my plan. My plan got compromised.

Looking at it this way has helped me realize the problem isn’t necessarily the fact I’ve been duped or got the short end of the stick. The problem is that I’m being forced to recognize a part of life I keep forgetting:

I have direction over my life, but I don’t have complete control.

Control is a perceived thing, not an actual one. I can never have complete control over my own life. And that is one of the most relieving yet at the same time stressful things about being alive.

“The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.”  -Proverbs 16:1

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The Problem with Rear View Mirrors and Binoculars

“Don’t worry, darlin’. No baby, don’t you fret. We’re livin’ in the future and none of this has happened yet.” –“Livin’ in the Future” by Bruce Springsteen

“It’s such a drag when you’re living in the past.” -“Even the Losers” by Tom Petty

Some things (and people) look and seem a lot better from a distance, until you get more familiar and get to know them better.  That’s a lesson everyone has learned at some point. And we file that information away and are more skeptical because of it. But these “better-looking things” in life don’t just apply to right now, they apply to the past and to the future.

Being the romantic and nostalgic person I am, this tends to be a weakness of mine. Anyone who has known me since 8th grade has known that I am obsessed with the year 1983. While I was only 2 years old in 1983, I remember enough about it and have seen enough movies and heard enough songs from that year to know it seems to be the coolest year for me to live in.

It’s not just 1983 though, it’s just about every year I’ve been alive. My mind mainly only records the positive memories, not the boring and bad ones. So I have this massive slide show collection in my mind of all these funny quotes and moderately interesting stories that I tend to compare today to.

With countless files in my head of positive times in the past, it’s easy to look around right now and think, “Things were better two years ago” or “ten years ago” or “fifteen”. But it’s not a fair comparison.

And with the future. I have a great imagination. So many plans and ideas for the future for my life. I subconsciously tell myself, “Things will be better when…” Then I fill in the blank that I want to happen that may indeed never actually happen. Another unfair comparison to the present day.

Living in the now is a hard thing to do, especially when you’re prone to time travel.

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Free Marriage Advice

In the past year and a half since I’ve been married, I have gained valuable knowledge, and therefore I live by it.  And now as I pass it on, it now becomes advice.

Back before my wife and I were even engaged, we decided to use Everybody Loves Raymond as the prime example of what our relationship would not end up like.  Because by default, maybe it would.  But through daily conscious effort and with an intentional mindset to be counter-cultural, I am convinced that marriage can be better than the mundane and miserable American stereotypes.

We subconsciously decided that if we were to model our marriage after a married couple from a sitcom, there were some better options out there.  The Huxtables from The Cosby Show.  The Keatons from Family Ties.  And the Seavers from Growing Pains.  Heck, even Mork and Mindy.

Though I hadn’t read a book since college, it was the months leading to our marriage that I suddenly became interested in soaking in as much advice and knowledge as I could from the professionals.  Books like For Men Only, For Women Only, Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?, Yup Nope Maybe, and Men are Like Waffles-Women are Like Spaghetti.

I don’t know how men and women could begin to truly understand each other and point out the differences between them before these books came along.  But I was born in the right year, so I got to benefit from them.  The core of what I learned and what I’ve applied since reading them is this:

Men can really only focus on one task at a time; they are not multi-taskers.  They are problem-solvers.  What men want more than anything from their wives is to be respected (to be privately and publicly acknowledged as a good man, not a bumbling fool).

Women are multi-taskers.  They are better equipped to handle all the detailed parts in life that men to tend to neglect.  What women want more than anything from their husbands is to be loved (to feel cared for and understood, listened to, and to be reaffirmed of their beauty).

Being aware of these differences, my wife and I both understand that being wired differently, our wires will get crossed occasionally, leading to a classic misunderstanding involving hurt feelings and/or pride.  We know not to assume that either of us is wrong or right, because that’s what leads to an argument.  It’s not a contest, a game, or a battle; it’s a matter of getting on the same page.

We know not to raise our voices, not to be sarcastic, not to talk over the other person, not to interrupt, and not to leave the room as a means of escaping or trying to gain control by getting the upper hand.  We know to say “I feel and I think” instead of “you are or you did”.  And we always know to never say “you never” or “you always”.

Another thing we decided back when we were just dating was that we would become like those old couples we see sometimes that are still in love.  Not just still married, but still in love.  Being affectionate throughout the day is of upmost importance for us to become one of those old, sweet married couples.

“Just you wait, that’ll all change…” That is what I am told from the Nay Sayers.  The ones who say that I’ll stop randomly buying flowers for my wife once we are “out of the honeymoon stage”.  The ones who say that my wife and I will stop being affectionate once the kids come.  Once “life happens”.

I’m sorry that those people have settled for the Everybody Loves Raymond standard in their marriage.  I guess it works for them.  But I see it as a set-up for potential failure.

A couple years ago I heard my pastor say something I’ve never heard before.  In the countless couples he has counseled where one of the spouses cheated on the other in the marriage, he said that it’s almost never over sex, though sex is what makes it official.  Instead, it was about companionship.  Friendship.

The cheating spouse was not getting something from their marriage partner, so they found someone who would give them what they craved.

Often it’s attention.  Often it’s someone who will not make them feel judged.  Often it’s positive reinforcement.  Simply put, it’s someone who lets them know everyday they are special.

A healthy marriage means that the husband and wife never stop dating.  It means the honeymoon isn’t over, despite the year of the wedding.  It means that the wedding was the beginning, not the end, of true romance.

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When History Becomes Folk Lore: At What Point Does Abraham Lincoln Become as Hard to Believe as Abraham of the Old Testament?

 

To some degree, when enough time goes by, the credibility and “realness” of a once-living person or actual event diminishes.  I was born 4 months after John Lennon died.  There’s no doubt in my mind he existed- I own most of the Beatles’ albums and my favorite song of his is “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away”.  However, I was never alive while he was.

But going all the way back to Abraham Lincoln, there’s less information available.  None of us were alive while he was.  Books are written every year about this interesting American hero, yet ultimately anything new we can learn about him is educated speculation.  He becomes more of a mystery as time goes by.  Did he truly derive from English Jews, as some believe?  Was he really 6’ 4”?  Despite his large stature, is it true that he had a high, squeaky voice as some historians have written?

Now go all the way back to over 2,000 years ago to the life of Jesus.  Even most atheists admit that he was a real person who actually lived.  What’s up for debate are his claims to deity and the miracles the Bible states that he performed.  If Christ had lived even 100 years ago, perhaps many people would find it easier to believe in his claims.

Go all the way back to King David and King Solomon.  The Bible records all kinds of details of their lives.  At what point in time do skeptics stop believing in historical accounts? How much does the religious association affect the credibility of their lives, when seen through the eyes of skeptics?

And if we truly rewound the history of time all the way to Adam and Eve, how many people would still be on board as far as believing they both were actual people, and not a symbolic duo representing the origins of mankind?

Time fades the mainstream belief of actual people and events, at least a little.  Once a person dies or a historical event occurs (September 11th, for example), the timer begins.  The more time goes by, the more romanticized or fantasized the person or the event becomes.  Whether or not there is written evidence.  Key example, the events of the Bible.  Or if a more recent event needs to be cited, the Holocaust.  It sickens me that there are people out there who doubt it actually happened.  Despite the video footage that is available.

For many skeptics of Christianity and the Bible, Adam & Eve and Jonah and The Tower of Babel are just moral stories.  Only as real as fairy tales.

I think the exception to the rule is the invention of video cameras.  It’s hard to deny the existence of something we can see and hear, despite it happening before our own lives began.  (Though as just mentioned, some deny the Holocaust.  And there are still plenty of old timers who believe that the 1969 moon landing was a hoax.)  But the historical content of my religious beliefs were not recorded on camera and can not be found on You Tube.

A hundred years from now, we won’t be here anymore.  And that is sad.  Our lives are most relevant to others while we are still alive.  Because a hundred years from now, what proof will be left of us other than our own ancestors?  What good will we be to some random stranger?

That train of thought leaves me with no option but to believe in a life after this.  Not only to believe in it, but to seek it out.  Not only to seek it out, but to know why exactly my religious beliefs are the most believable, the most secure, and most importantly, the only truth.  And by that point, it’s not simply a religious belief, it’s faith.

And one more thing… Now that you’ve read my take on history, why not read my perspective on being a dad?  That’s right- parenting from a dad’s point of view.  I have been documenting my thoughts as a dad since the week we found out my wife was pregnant.  I formally invite you now to read my “dad blog” by clicking on the link below:

dad from day one

 

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Religious Views on Facebook Profiles

“You gave your life to Jesus Christ… and you were not the same after that.” – “Not the Same” by Ben Folds

It’s interesting to see what people list as their “religious views” on their facebook profiles if they are Christians. Some just simply list “Baptist” or “Protestant”. And many, in an effort to creatively avoid a label, list something like “saved by grace” or “in Christ alone”. And that’s cool.

I’m sure for others, summing it all down to one phrase can be difficult, especially for those who believe in God but not necessarily that Jesus is the only way to Heaven as the Bible teaches and as Jesus himself proclaimed. They are not Christians. But they are not atheists either.

For me, simply listing myself as a Christian is a struggle. Because “Christian” has become somewhat of a watered-down generic term, thanks to the way many non-Christians and non-Americans perceive Christians.

I’m quite familiar with the fact that often non-Christians see Christians as selfish hypocrites, as non-Christians often use some of our worst specimens (or those who claim Christianity) as the model for all of us.

And from a non-American perspective (especially non-Catholic and non-Protestant countries), everyone in America is a Christian. They see influential American pop stars and their famous lifestyles and assume that is Christianity. Britney Spears is suddenly the epitome of what all Christians stand for.

I am a Christian. And I don’t believe that I am better than any person in this world nor do I believe that Christians are better people than any other religious group of people. If anything, I feel quite inferior to most people on this earth. I strive for a more giving spirit, like the kind I see in those who have much less than I do.  I’ve got a long ways to go.

I belong to a Baptist church. That means my ultimate goal in life is to introduce others to Jesus as the only way true to eternal life, by showing them love and truth. And I believe that being baptized is an important outward symbol of the surrendering of my life to God, as Jesus did.

The Baptist denomination best resembles overall what I believe.

But there are some things about the Baptist culture I stray from. For example, I don’t oppose the reasonable consumption of alcohol or feel it’s taboo for a Christian to drink. Yet I share the all the same major spiritual doctrines as Baptists. Therefore I’m a little bit Presbyterian. (My wife and I were married in a Presbyterian church.)

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And though as a Baptist I’m very aware that I can’t earn my salvation by anything I do on my own, I’m a little bit Catholic because I believe salvation in Christ is more than just saying a prayer for Jesus to save me and then saying “I got saved” and then going to church.

My faith does require “works” in order to prove my faith to be genuine and alive; by serving others- caring for the poor, helpless, lonely, and misunderstood. Because that’s what Jesus was all about.

And that’s something that perhaps has best been taught to me through some of the examples of some of the Catholic saints and missionaries I’ve heard and read about, the most obvious being Mother Teresa.

It troubles me that many Baptist churches are so good about making sure no one in the congregation leaves the service without being given the opportunity to “become a Christian” by saying “the sinner’s prayer”. But afterwards, these confused spiritual infants are often left without being nurtured through discipleship.

Not understanding that so much of their sought-after Heaven is just as much in this life as it is the next. And that it takes serving others to help bring Heaven to Earth.  I really like the way that over the centuries that Catholics have chosen some of the most humble servants as their legendary heroes. Of course I don’t pray to saints, but I’ve learned to admire and attempt to mimic their lifestyles.

I’m a little bit Jewish because I share the Old Testament with the Jews. The Old Testament actually makes up around 2/3’s of the Bible’s content. And of course I don’t eat pork or shellfish (or many other kinds of carnivores, predators, and “bottom feeder” animals) as God instructed the Jews in Leviticus 11.

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I’m a little bit Seventh Day Adventist. They are the health nut freaks of Christianity. Most of them are vegetarians and avoid processed foods and the consumption of sugar (except in the form of whole fruits). Seventh Day Adventists also have a better understanding of resting “on the Sabbath”.  And statistics show they live around 7 years longer than the rest of us believers.

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So that is my religious status.

When all that is thrown into a blender, arguably it could be said I am closest to being a Baptist who unofficially converted to Messianic Judaism.

Messianic Jews are of Hebrew heritage but unlike other Jews, they accept Jesus as the Messiah. And though I have still yet to prove that somewhere back in my Italian lineage there was a Jew in there (my Mexican grandmother is convinced that’s the case), a person without Hebrew heritage can still convert to become a Messianic Jew.

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Maybe I should just list my religious views as “It’s Complicated”.