This past Saturday as we were checking into Mountain Escape Spa near Chattanooga, where my wife got a facial while I got a deep tissue Swedish massage, the owner congratulated us on it being our 17th wedding anniversary. She then smiled and asked us, “Wow, 17 years… What’s your secret?”
My wife and I just laughed and looked at each other confused, apparently both feeling unqualified to answer that question. I responded, “Well, I guess it depends on who you ask!”
A few hours later, after our spa treatment and after a fancy steak dinner at The Creag at McLemore Resort, we drove to Mentone Market for dessert before picking up our kids at my parents’ house.
We further discussed the question proposed by the owner of the spa, in regards to what’s our secret of being married 17 years.
“Patience?” was my wife’s answer. She’s right. Over the years, we have largely evolved into much different, yet more mature versions of ourselves; compared to when we first got married.
It has been vital that we have given each other time and space to discover who we are constantly evolving into- and to choose to move forward together while learning each other’s personal growth- in real time.
As for me, my answer to the question of “What’s your secret?” is more exclusive to being the husband. My secret is, “I just take all the advice I was given by other men right before I got married… and do the complete opposite!”
The immediate example of “bad advice” that comes to mind is how husbands have been collectively taught by modern culture to shrug their shoulders and hesitantly say to each other, “Happy wife, happy life…”.
We continue to hear it from other men who have been married longer than we have. We see it on all of those house hunter shows. We can even order t-shirts off of Amazon that say it.
It rhymes, so clearly it must be true. (For the record, nothing really rhymes with “husband”. I Googled it, just to be sure.)
But “happy wife, happy life” is garbage. There, I said it.
And my wife agrees with me on this.
Here is why I openly and passionately disagree with this motto.
It puts the pressure, expectations, and responsibility on the wife; while assuming the husband is doing the right thing by just going with the flow. Specifically, it means the husband puts the wife in a consistent leadership position over him from the start.
This only causes resentment for both parties.
By the husband focusing on “avoiding conflict”, it ironically promotes greater conflict; by drying up a sense of emotional connection in the dynamics of the wife and husband; creating a dangerous state of complacency.
There needs to be a healthy amount of tension in order for things to be interesting in the relationship. Otherwise, the marriage is not a partnership. Instead, it becomes a one-way street: It is imbalanced, as the husband unknowingly places his wife on a pedestal; which by default, puts her in a position to look down on him.
I now see the reality of being married in a much clearer light: A husband can’t make his wife happy by basing the health of their relationship on her being happy.
The wife needs her husband’s authentic input. She needs him to engage by providing his perspective and opinion; even at the risk of it completely opposing hers. And that is not only healthy, but it is necessary.
I wish I knew this 17 years ago. Instead, like most men who are about to get married, “happy wife, happy life” was the advice that was presented to me.
No, I’m not claiming to be any kind of marriage expert. I definitely am not claiming to have the answers.
But I am able to confidently make this call:
“Happy wife, happy life” is officially cancelled.
