Author: Family Friendly Daddy Blog

Leave a comment Posted on marriage, People, Storytelling, Uncategorized

“Happy Wife, Happy Life” is Garbage

This past Saturday as we were checking into Mountain Escape Spa near Chattanooga, where my wife got a facial while I got a deep tissue Swedish massage, the owner congratulated us on it being our 17th wedding anniversary. She then smiled and asked us, “Wow, 17 years… What’s your secret?”

My wife and I just laughed and looked at each other confused, apparently both feeling unqualified to answer that question. I responded, “Well, I guess it depends on who you ask!”

A few hours later, after our spa treatment and after a fancy steak dinner at The Creag at McLemore Resort, we drove to Mentone Market for dessert before picking up our kids at my parents’ house.

We further discussed the question proposed by the owner of the spa, in regards to what’s our secret of being married 17 years.

“Patience?” was my wife’s answer. She’s right. Over the years, we have largely evolved into much different, yet more mature versions of ourselves; compared to when we first got married.

It has been vital that we have given each other time and space to discover who we are constantly evolving into- and to choose to move forward together while learning each other’s personal growth- in real time.

As for me, my answer to the question of “What’s your secret?” is more exclusive to being the husband. My secret is, “I just take all the advice I was given by other men right before I got married… and do the complete opposite!”

The immediate example of “bad advice” that comes to mind is how husbands have been collectively taught by modern culture to shrug their shoulders and hesitantly say to each other, “Happy wife, happy life…”.

We continue to hear it from other men who have been married longer than we have. We see it on all of those house hunter shows. We can even order t-shirts off of Amazon that say it.

It rhymes, so clearly it must be true. (For the record, nothing really rhymes with “husband”. I Googled it, just to be sure.)

But “happy wife, happy life” is garbage. There, I said it.

And my wife agrees with me on this.

Here is why I openly and passionately disagree with this motto.

It puts the pressure, expectations, and responsibility on the wife; while assuming the husband is doing the right thing by just going with the flow. Specifically, it means the husband puts the wife in a consistent leadership position over him from the start.

This only causes resentment for both parties.

By the husband focusing on “avoiding conflict”, it ironically promotes greater conflict; by drying up a sense of emotional connection in the dynamics of the wife and husband; creating a dangerous state of complacency.

There needs to be a healthy amount of tension in order for things to be interesting in the relationship. Otherwise, the marriage is not a partnership. Instead, it becomes a one-way street: It is imbalanced, as the husband unknowingly places his wife on a pedestal; which by default, puts her in a position to look down on him.

I now see the reality of being married in a much clearer light: A husband can’t make his wife happy by basing the health of their relationship on her being happy.

The wife needs her husband’s authentic input. She needs him to engage by providing his perspective and opinion; even at the risk of it completely opposing hers. And that is not only healthy, but it is necessary.

I wish I knew this 17 years ago. Instead, like most men who are about to get married, “happy wife, happy life” was the advice that was presented to me.

No, I’m not claiming to be any kind of marriage expert. I definitely am not claiming to have the answers.

But I am able to confidently make this call:

“Happy wife, happy life” is officially cancelled.

Leave a comment Posted on Enneagram, fatherhood, parenting, People, Spirituality, Storytelling, Uncategorized

I Love You So Much That It Hurts

I can’t speak for most men, but there are certain emotions I really only feel thanks to my relationship with my wife and my kids.

Time is constantly passing and the future is never guaranteed. There’s both joy and sadness in watching my kids grow up a little bit more each day. There’s both joy and sadness in knowing I love my wife to the point I made a pact to grow old together with her, yet one of us is undeniably going to outlive the other.

Life is a gift and time is all we have. I love my wife and my kids so much that it hurts.

But… aside from these thoughts, my brain is not wired to think outside of a certain operating system.

Something I have learned this year after jokingly making my New Year’s Resolution to “be more vulnerable and connected to my emotions”, is that as a man, I mainly only operate using a few select emotions:

Joy, passion, creativity, assertiveness, and “chill”.

Accordingly, my subconscious directs me away from expressing or even feeling any of the vulnerable emotions like shame, fear and anxiety. Otherwise, I would take it as a personal attack that I am “associating myself with weakness”.

This year I had to come to terms with the fact that my personality is much more intense than most people’s. But after enough family members, friends, and coworkers all were describing me the same way, I began to accept that the way I operate is not necessarily the norm.

It has only been the past couple of months I have allowed myself to be “vulnerable” enough to embrace that I am the Challenger; known as Enneagram 8.

Or in Myers-Briggs, an ESTP.

Yes, I’m friendly. But I’m not a “nice guy”.

Yes, I’m a very social person. But I have strong personal boundaries.

No, I do not want to carpool with you. I want to leave when I want to leave.

No, we’re not going to split the check. I’m going to tell the waiter up front that these are on separate checks.

And while I do care to a certain extent that people like me, I am acutely aware that if everyone likes me, it’s probably a sign that I am doing something wrong- because I live by the fact that “you can’t make everyone happy”.

That’s what it’s like inside my head. Therefore, I am naturally surrounded by people who depend on me to be that strong personality for them.

To be clear, I don’t necessarily want to be in charge. Officially, I never hold that title. Instead, people often treat me like I am… so, I am.

Basically, I’m the official “no” guy. When others need a decision to be made, I’m the one who makes it okay to say no. I’ll make the call for them if they need me to.

In my experience, the person who says no typically is the person with the power. And if that’s me, I’m okay with it.

I now understand that I am fundamentally driven by the desire to have a sense of power and control- in other words, to never put myself in a vulnerable situation. To be “untouchable” and above reproach.

So while I myself may not have the capacity to easily access and feel certain emotions on my own, I am tethered to people I love who are able to show me what those emotions look like.

I am able to feel these vulnerable emotions, perhaps vicariously. In a way, my love for my wife and my children help me to experience life from more of a full “human” perspective.

Leave a comment Posted on fatherhood, parenting, People, Storytelling, Uncategorized

Dear Jack: You Still Enjoy the Playground

14 years, 4 months.

Dear Jack,

The Saturday evening before we left for vacation, we decided to meet up with everyone for pizza at Mater’s and then to walk over to the city park afterwards.

To my surprise, you had even more fun than your sister there on the playground.

It turns out, they installed what I am going to call a “man-sized swing set”.

You and your Uncle Andrew demonstrated to everyone how it works… apparently.

I can confirm that there were no injuries which occurred in the process.

Even if, in theory, there should have been!

Love,

Daddy

Leave a comment Posted on fatherhood, parenting, People, Storytelling, Uncategorized

Dear Holly: Saturday Morning Flowers

8 years, 11 months.

Dear Holly,

Last Saturday morning, right after we returned from our family vacation to Florida for Spring Break, Mommy found out about a place she wanted to go where “you pick your own flowers”.

No further questions were necessary. All I knew is that I would be driving my wife and daughter there to Moonflower Farms.

You and Mommy had so much fun picking flowers, while I had fun taking pictures of you both.

There were also local vendors with booths set up all around us. At one point, I heard Mommy tell you, “Ask Daddy. See what he says.”

You had found a handcrafted bracelet with a turtle on it that you wanted.

Like I was going to say no…

Love,

Daddy

Leave a comment Posted on fatherhood, funny, marriage, Nostalgia, parenting, People, Storytelling, Uncategorized

Status Symbol Unlocked: Enjoying Family Vacations

New status symbol now unlocked: I have reached the point in my life where I look forward to, and truly enjoy, family vacations.

Last summer when we travelled to Oregon, I thought it might have just been a fluke. But no, as a 43 year-old husband married to a 43 year-old wife, along with our 14 year-old son and 8 year-old daughter, we are collectively in a place where family vacations are fun, relaxing, and meaningful.

This past week while we were on family vacation, I was intensely aware of the fact that “these are the good old days”…

As I took each photo of my family in real time, it was not lost on me that I already have everything I want and need right here in front of me. That this is what happily ever after looks like.

I am not looking to the future for things to finally “get better”. No, we have now arrived at our destination.

The entire vacation itself has become the “highlight reel”, as opposed to me finding the best exceptional moments in a week-long series of trigger points for my blood pressure to rise and then for me to emotionally shut down.

No more whining in the backseat. No more fighting over which child “gets to sit next to Mommy” at the restaurant. No more annoying drawn-out bath time or bedtime routines.

No more diapers. No more sippy cups. No more strollers. No more car seats. No more naps.

I have graduated from all of that.

Um… so this is great.

Monday morning, I drove a little over 5 hours to the Gulf Coast, while the kids slept in the backseat and as my wife read us the book, The Let Them Theory.

Then we stayed in a condo right there on the water, but not on one of those overcrowded beaches where loud drunk people would ruin the ambience. Even when we did leave for coffee or lunch, we never needed to drive more than a few miles away.

No traffic. No paying to park. No silly “Lightning Lane” passes.

By the 2nd day of our trip, I told my wife, “This is something beyond a family vacation. This is a family retreat.”

It was very noticeable that each of the 4 of us were truly at ease and connected with one another. No distractions. No obligations. Nothing to be but ourselves.

And I think for me specifically, I needed to see what this looks like.

For years now, I have studied, researched, and even published a book on Enneagram. I am fascinated to learn who everyone is underneath how they behave on the outside.

I love being able to understand how to relate better with all people in my life, but especially my own family.

It is a gift for me to be able see my wife and my kids, as well as myself, for who we fundamentally and individually are. I think that’s a lot of the reason why our Spring Break vacation felt like a family retreat. It’s not just about the kids being less needy and more mature.

Instead, it’s because nearly a year into our move from Tennessee and essentially “rebooting” our lives in a slower pace in Alabama, the fog has cleared. I think all of us are able to see each other in a new light.

My 2 Wing 3 wife and daughter are ambitious, selfless, and sociable.

My 5 Wing 4 son is curious, creative, and reserved.

And much to my surprise, yet no one else’s, I am actually 8 Wing 7: pragmatic, assertive, and charismatic.

So as far as status symbols go, I don’t need a fancy car or a big mansion or expensive clothes. Just let me live a life where I can actually enjoy vacations with my family.

That’s enough for me.