parenting

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Cleaning Up Your Kid’s Vomit: A Parent’s Rite Of Passage

April 10, 2012 at 11:43 pm , by 

16 months.

It’s hard to believe that my kid is nearly a year and a half and he just now threw up for the first time. That’s pretty weird, right?

Granted, when he was an infant, he would spit up a little milk occasionally. But in general, he would drool more than he ever spit up.

But last Thursday, during a night we really needed some extra sleep because of the drive the next night to Alabama for Easter, we heard a sudden cough, then a [splat!] from the other bedroom.

Fortunately, my son was cool about it. He only puked directly on his blanket in his crib; then directly into the bathtub.

He didn’t vomit on me, nor my wife; at least not directly. And man, the carpet in his room was all clear too. Such a considerate 16 month-old I have.

Just to make sure we knew what we were doing, he waited about 10 minutes after we got him all cleaned up and back to bed before he did the exact same thing again.

Oh yeah, and I didn’t mention: It was all spaghetti.

There’s something about cleaning up the vomited version of a food that causes you to never see it the same way again.

I say that, yet this morning my wife asked me:

“For lunch today, do you want to take the rest of this spaghetti- the kind that Jack got sick from?”

The answer was yes. That was indeed what I ate for lunch today; only I didn’t get sick.

I am Dad; the janitor and the human garbage disposal.

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3 Ways Jazz Music is Like Parenthood

March 5, 2012 at 6:43 pm , by 

15 months.

No genre of music would serve as the official soundtrack to parenthood better than jazz. Let’s get right to it so you can see what I mean. Here are 3 ways jazz music is like parenthood:

1. It is organized chaos but in the end is beautiful. Jazz nearly defies music theory, as opposed to the “same three chords” concept of rock music.

It’s not as predictable or formulaic as country or rap. In other words, jazz is organized chaos.

Similarly, parenthood contains just as much need for improv as jazz music does.

Sure, you’ve got a general plan of how you want things to go, but until you’re in the middle of it, you may end upnot actually breastfeeding or co-sleeping or using cloth diapers.

Being a parent means you organize chaos, everyday. But in the end, what you do is magnificent; even if no one is there to say it.

2. It contains a lot of incoherent babbling. Some jazz contains no singing; some contains wonderful, well thought-out lyrics. But a good amount of it contains scat singing; you know, that “doobidy-bop-bah-dah” stuff, as featured at the end of the theme song for Full House, that uses the human voice as an instrument during breaks from singing actual words.

Need I say more? My son is 15 months-old and he currently exclusively speaks in the language of Scat. I don’t anticipate that changing too much in the near future.

3. It may cause deep thoughts. When I amdriving my son to sleep, as I regularly do twice a day on the weekends, I keep the station on 89.5; the jazz station.

As my son finds himself drifting into visions of talking puppies and trees made of Cheerios and Cheddar goldfish crackers, I am also transcending into a higher state.

I think about how crazy it is that I, of all people, am I parent.

As I analyze how I’m already having to set boundaries for my son by firmly teaching him “yes” and “no” it makes me think about how God must know how I feel.

Being a dad keeps me in constant states of deep thoughts. This whole parenting thing is more than just survival of the human race.

Instead, it’s more about me becoming a better person through sacrifice of myself. It’s about sharing my moral beliefs, love of art, and wonder of the world with a soul who I helped bring into existence.

That’s pretty deep, man. Parenting will do that to you. So will jazz.

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Stuff My 15 Month Old Says: Current Top 7

March 1, 2012 at 8:27 pm , by 

15 months.

My son is learning to expand his vocabulary beyond “da-da-da-da” and “mehm-mehm-mehm-mehm” to refer to his parents. Today I would like to share his Top 7 favorite new phrases.

1. Bird? Anytime Jack looks out the window or is outside, he wants confirmation that he is either seeing or at least hearing a bird.

Usually he’s right. And if I never find the bird he is referring to, it probably just means that he has sharper eye sight and better hearing than his dad.

2. Uh-oh! The instant he drops a toy or his cup of Cheerios or the remote control he is playing with, he exclaims a very urgent “uh-oh!”

He hasn’t yet figured out that the phrase can be used for any accident. It’s interesting how the number of times he drops things on a daily basis has dramatically increased since he learned the phrase.

3. Bye-bye. Out of all his newly learned phrases, this is the one that he pronounces the clearest. He likes to tell everyone goodbye; even when he’s leaving somewhere with me. Jack hasn’t quite figured out who “bye-bye” applies to yet.

4. Bah-bah. Not to be confused with “bye-bye,” this phrase is actually Jack’s way of mimicking a donkey. One of his favorite books right now is Smack-Dab in the Middle of God’s Love, which contains several pages with a random donkey on it. My wife and I have both separately made the “eeh-awh!” donkey sound when we’ve read him the book.

By the way, the only reason I know that “bah-bah” is supposed to be a donkey noise is by the tone he uses. It’s an honest attempt on his part.

5. More? Thanks to his daycare, Jack has learned the sign language for “more.” He usually says “more?” to ask for more bananas or wheat bread; foods which he is obsessed with. But he has also been known to ask for “more” playtime when he knows it’s time for bed.

6. Peek-a-boo. Traditionally, playing “peek-a-boo” requires both hands, but Jack decided he can make it work with just one. It’s his way of emphasizing the “peek” part more so than the “boo.” Just imagine a 15 month-old little boy pretending to hide from you while looking you straight in the eyes, from behind one hand, and while smiling real big; as if to say, “I’m pretty clever, huh?”

7. Shoes? While Jack doesn’t know a lot of words yet for physical objects, he does know what his shoes are. Of course, it sounds more like “Zeus” when he sees his mom reaching for his new Velcro sneakers:

He was recently able to convince my parents to buy them for him a few weekends ago when they were in town. And how can grandparents resist when their grandson can say “Zeus?”

I mean, “shoes?”

Let’s see what new stuff he will say at 16 months…

Unexpected Bonus!

My friend, Rebecca Thomas, who I went to Liberty University with, recently got her first book published entitled, Finding My Voice:

“When Rebecca Thomas moved from her home on the island of St. Croix to Florida as a young girl, she entered a different world. One year later when her father was contacted to start a ‘black’ church in South Carolina, Rebecca began a struggle with her identity that would last for the next several years and test her courage and loyalty in ways she never could have imagined.”

 

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4 Out Of 5 Parents Spank Their Kids… Really? That Many?

February 27, 2012 at 6:24 am , by 

15 months.

According to a recent poll here on Parents.com, 81% of parents have spanked their child at least once and 22% do so on a weekly basis.

That amazes me! So many, huh?

In our overly politically correct society, sometimes I feel like we can be expected to believe that the only ones who endorse spanking are the wacko, ultra-conservative religious cult members who are ultimately featured on a creepy episode of NBC’s Dateline.

It doesn’t help that the book To Train Up A Child is currently being linked to fatal child abuse cases; no matter how much the book actually had to do with the abuse.

Therefore, we evidently must leave it to Super Nanny to show us the right way to discipline our children: putting them in “time out.”

I was spanked as a child; like most of us, I assume. (At least 81% of us, right?)

Yet, arguably, I’m a pretty normal guy. I’m not psychologically traumatized nor am I an abusive husband or father.

So I say, spanking is harmless when not excessive. But here’s my question: Is spanking necessary?

Honestly, I don’t know yet: My kid is only 15 months old.

The funny thing is, up until very recently, I was a supporter of spanking. But after several talks about it between my wife and me, I updated my opinion on the issue.

Here’s what I would like to believe:

That if A) I am properly setting practical, not legalistic, behavioral boundaries for my son, B) I am consistently following through with discipline (from “time out”  to having privileges taken away) every time he breaks the rules, C) I am clearly and positively communicating with him why he is being punished and D) I am assuring him that no matter what he ever does he can never cause me to love him any less, that it will never come down to the last resort of me having to spank him.

It seems to me that if I do A through D and none of that works, then hitting my child with my hand or a wooden paddle or a belt wouldn’t resolve the issue any better.

But hey, I’ve said before that I have this habit of every 5 yearsrealizing what an idiot I was 5 years ago, so maybe this is just another classic example of me opening my big mouth and being a naive idiot again.

Who knows? Maybe I’ll truly be part of that 19%, the minority that doesn’t spank my child. I definitely plan to be.

No matter how polarized or politically correct our society is on this issue, I think here’s the heart of it: We believe in the importance of disciplining our kids.

Back in April 2010 when my wife was pregnant with our son and I was still “pro-spanking,” someone made a $5 bet with me that I “won’t have it in me” to spank my child when he gets older- that those big watery eyes and that quivering lip would cause me to cave.

I wonder if this means I lose the bet now? It’s not that I don’t have it in me to spank him, because I do. But I think my alternative plan will be just as effective.

After all, we can’t assume that the 19% of the people out there who were “unspanked” as kids are the ones keeping our prisons full, or at least earning 15 minutes of shame on the show Cops.

Does it really make a difference in the end whether a child is spanked, as long as the child is A) loved and B) disciplined?

Top image: Strict father punishes his son, via Shutterstock.

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How Not to Be “That Mom” or “That Dad”

November 20, 2011 at 7:39 pm , by 

One year.

There are basically two ways to be “that parent.” You can be over-involved in your child’s life; actually encouraging separation anxiety for them by drawing out goodbye’s by petting them and crying with them whenever you leave them at daycare.

Or you can be under-involved; letting your child run free in the grocery story, occasionally tossing them empty threats of “time out” when you get home.

Neither extreme is good. That’s why we normal parents do our darndest not to be “that mom” or “that dad.”

But this gets complicated because it’s no secret what a challenge it is to balance our parenting expectations with practical reality. It seems that to some degree, we all are “that parent.”

It’s necessary that I turn the question to myself: How am I “that dad?”

I am weird because I won’t let my son watch TV until he’s at least two years old. Plus, I am really strict about what he eats: No processed foods- that means no fruit juice.

Oh yes, what a cruel, demented, over-the-top man I am to keep my child from things I had when I was his age back in 1982. But I’m not going to change; I’m always going to be kooky like that.

So I guess I fall into the category of “over-involved.” Some of my critics could probably say that I am ironically depriving my child in a subconscious effort to declare my authority as an active and effective father.

Maybe I am. Because I don’t want to be “that dad.” I mean, the other kind of “that dad.” The kind I’m not. Or at least the kind I think I’m not.

As long as other parents are critiquing my parenting style, which they always will, I will always be “that dad.” I would say that I don’t care what other people think of me anyway, but I have observed that people who usually say that actually really, really care what people think of them.

It’s like a 14 year-old girl who says, “I’m so over him now.” No, no you’re not. If you were, you wouldn’t have to go around saying that to your friends, who are all wearing black Breaking Dawn t-shirts.

So in conclusion, I believe no matter what you do, you are “that mom” or “that dad” to the very parents who you yourself perceive as “that mom” or “that dad.” Get it?

In other words, the title of this post is misleading. There is no way to refrain from being “that parent.” You already are.