funny

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Business In The Front Seat, Party In The Back Seat

January 2, 2013 at 11:45 pm , by 

2 years, 1 month.

Dear Jack,

When our family is travelling anywhere, whether it’s a 20 minute drive into the next neighborhood of Nashville or a 2 hour drive across the Tennessee state line, I know my role: I am the civilized chauffeur.

You and Mommy, on the other hand, well, that’s a whole different story.

While I’m in my own peaceful world in the driver’s seat, semi-sedated in a serene trance thanks to the likes of Fountain of Wayne’s Hackensack, there’s a party going on in the back.

There you are, with your black sunglasses with skulls, in the midst of doing a photo shoot for the linear notes of your next rock album.

As for Mommy, she’s only encouraging the total Gangnam style, complete with good times and tomfoolery.

I learn so much of what really goes on in our family by looking through the pictures on the camera, days after the pictures are taken.

It’s rare that Mommy drives while I’m in the backseat with you; the main reason being I want to give Mommy a chance to have fun with you and not worry about having to concentrate on something serious.

Obviously, it works- as you can see in this picture which she is not aware I am making public.

I’ve never thought about it until now, but it’s usually the other way around.

Usually it’s me chasing you around the house like I’m a rabies-infected jaguar while Mommy is busy doing the important stuff, like cooking dinner.

But when it comes to the family drive, I’m the serious one and Mommy is the one who gets to tickle and tease you.

I suppose, by default, Mommy and I have learned to take turns when it comes to who is playing the business role and who is hosting the party with you.

Seldom are the times where we all three get to all be loud goofballs together, or just as important, when we all three get to chill out on the couch watchingMater’s Tall Tales; which is your new favorite obsession on Netflix.

Just like the importance of budgeting our money, it’s very important that we budget quality time together as a family.

Mommy and I value our time with you: We are aware of all the cliches that “they grow up too fast.”

With that in my mind, we as your 31 year-old parents regularly remind ourselves the importance of not acting like grown-ups with you, all the time.

We like pretending to be a kid, like you. It’s a good perspective.

 

Love,

Daddy

 

 

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Mazel Tov On My 2 Year-Old’s Bed Mitzvah!

December 30, 2012 at 9:18 pm , by 

2 years, 1 month.

Dear Jack,

I now wrap up the year 2012 with a noteworthy milestone in your life: Mommy and I just tucked you in for the night, for the first time… in your “big boy bed.”

No more crib for you. You have graduated into the day bed version.

Look how proud you are in this picture!

At long last, you are now sleeping like a 2 year-old, not a baby.

Son, tonight was your Bed Mitzvah.

This change in your life also is aligned with your parents’ more deliberate focus on helping your become potty trained.

Yesterday at T. J. Maxx, Mommy and I bought you 3 metal Chuggington trains. We explained to you that for the next 3 times you go pee-pee on the potty, you get to open a new train. (Sure, it’s an unavoidable pun: We’re potty training you.)

As an added bonus, you have recently received a surprisingly relevant gift last week that helps you sleep easier for your naps… a Thor indoor play tent.

It’s random because you have no idea who Thor is yet. You call it your tunnel.

“I can sleep in my tunnel?”

While attempting to get you to go to sleep for your afternoon naps on the weekends has always been a struggle, this new “tunnel” of yours is a pretty cool thing.

It has a side door which I pop my head in to read you a quick story. You never seem to mind when I slip out the door afterwords. Two hours later, you wake up and you’re ready to play again.

I just wish we would have known the wonders of a tunnel sooner!

So between your new “big boy bed” and your “tunnel,” I’d say things are pretty exciting in the world of sleeping, for you.

To this day, whenever Mommy and I ask you if you’re ready to go to sleep, as we can clearly see you are, you’ve never said yes.

Here’s to my wishful thinking that might change now that you’ve had your Bed Mitzvah…

I know, it’s asking too much.

 

Love,

Daddy

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Teaching An American 2 Year-Old To Kiss Like A European

December 27, 2012 at 9:14 pm , by 

2 years, 1 months.

Dear Jack,

Every night before we put you to bed, you know you have to kiss Mommy and me goodnight.

Right now, we’re helping you figure out how to do it just right.

“No tongue, Jack!”

That’s what Mommy has to remind you because you have this habit; instead of kissing us, you lick us, like you’re a puppy.

The goal is for us to kiss each other on the cheek, not the lips.

But several times now, you have leaned in to me with your mouth open like you’re about to take a big bite out of an ice cream cone.

Please know how hard it is for me not to laugh when you do that, but I know I can’t afford to as I’m trying to get you into sleep mode.

There’s this concept in my head of you and I kissing each other on the cheek as we say hello and goodbye, even as we get older.

I know that may sound a little bizarre at first; mainly because it is. Because we’re Americans living in America.

If we were in Italy or France, it probably wouldn’t be that weird.

Just picture us, 20 years from now, wearing cabbie hats as we greet each other with open arms and a classic European father-son kiss on the cheek.

(Just saying that out loud seems so un-American; like the kind of thing that Paul Rudd would do unsuccessfully in a Judd Apatow movie.)

But that’s how I imagine us; being totally comfortable with being physically affectionate.

Granted, it’s to be done with discretion; not the kind of thing to be executed in front of your friends when you’re in the 6th grade. After all, I’m no helicopter parent nor do I want to be associated with the term “attachment parenting.’

Aside from what I see as unfavorable extremes, I just want it to be normal for a dad to kiss his son hello, goodbye, and goodnight; even if it comes across as European.

 

Love,

Daddy

 

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New Parenting Studies Show Toddlers Like Cake and Candy

November 10, 2012 at 2:53 pm , by 

23 months.

Call it a trend. Call it a common trait of the children of Generation Y. Call it what you like:

Studies are consistently showing that when given the chance to eat cake or candy over vegetables, toddlers are choosing the sweets every time.

Nick Shell, a father of a 23-month-old son, expands on the phenomenon:

“With my son Jack’s 2nd birthday coming up next week, we received a large padded envelope from my sister-in-law in Pennsylvania. My son was so excited to open the package after hearing my wife and me tell him it was for his birthday,” Shell explains.

“It’s not that he was disappointed with his new outfit or his die cast metal Thomas the Train toy, but for about ten minutes after opening the package, he continued looking around the room for the cake he assumed came with the package too.”

Raising his son in a lifestyle of strict vegetarianism and avoidance of processed foods, even juice, the toddler boy had never really eaten candy up until last week at Halloween.

“We were so proud of Jack for eating his green beans after dinner last night that we rewarded him with some leftover Halloween M&M’s. After the first few, he kept resonding, ‘I try? I try again.’

Shell goes on to tell that after his son saw a package box of cake mix in the car ride home from the grocery store, his son Jack insisted of holding the box tightly to his chest.

Jack soon began crying when he opened the box to find there was not actually prepared cake inside, but instead only the cake mix.

Little Jack Shell is only one of many toddlers out there who has a slight obsession with sugary foods.

So the next time you hear of a toddler throwing a tantrum because they can’t have a Snickers bar at the grocery store check-out, don’t be surprised.

This sort of thing is happening a lot these days. It’s official:

Toddlers have a sweet tooth.

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Imagine A Barista Who Bathes In The Coffee They Serve You

November 1, 2012 at 10:52 pm , by 

23 months.

I say that because it’s exactly what my son Jack has been pretending to do during bath time this week while on vacation in Sacramento.

The first night here at my mother-in-law’s house, Jack wasn’t so keen on the huge jacuzzi I had just dropped him down into.

It sort of freaked him out.

But then my wife handed him three little white plastic cups designed for rinsing after brushing your teeth.

“Coffee,” Jack announced as he ducked down into the sudsy bath water he stood in.

He sprouted back up and handed my wife and me our very own Bubblecinos.

Jack has been our baby barista each night since then.

Imagine in real life a barista who bathes in the coffee they serve you… so absurd.

But not for an almost 2 year-old little boy who uses his imagination to glaze through situations he doesn’t want to be in at first.

It’s funny to me also how instantly he comes up with his imaginary surroundings.

He saw what reminded him of a bar at Starbucks, the bath water made him think of coffee, and the plastic cups became the Starbucks cups.

I’m actually halfway convinced he thought it was real when I pretended to drink his bath water.

Hey, if he can have an imagination like that, so can I.

In fact, I need to if I have any intentions of keeping up with him.