ego death

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Songs I Wrote in 2023: “I’m in a Better Place Now” – 10th of 13

I feel that this song is evidence of the major milestone I reached this year, as I ultimately served as my own psychiatrist through the process of writing my Enneagram book.

This song presented itself as I was encountering my darkest, deepest stage of ego death:

Someone tell me why I think it’s gonna be okay – I’m at peace with all the mysteries I can’t explain – If ignorance is bliss then I want more of this – Is this a glimpse of what it’s like to see life as a gift? I’m living comfortably in the uncertainty – I’m not taking things way too seriously anymore – I’m in a better place now – I’m climbing my own way out – This is what a good day looks like – Things are gonna turn out all right – Will I still feel this way tomorrow? Is it even up to me? Can I keep my head in the clouds and look around without something pulling me down to the ground? I’m in a better place now – Something tells me that God is smiling down on me – I’m at peace with who I am now and what I believe – If He is love I guess I’ll trust it works out in the end – Is this a glimpse of heaven when we all begin again? I choose hope over meaninglessness – I choose faith over being a nihilist – I admit I could spend my life believing the wrong thing – But if God isn’t real, my search to find Him still led me to a better place

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Songs I Wrote in 2023: “I Feel Like I Used to Be a Good Person” – 7th of 13

As 2023 progressed, the process of writing my Enneagram book continued to help me reveal more about my perception of life. Like with the previous song, “St. Doubting Thomas”, I was in the deconstruction stage of ego death.

Perhaps that is what prompted me to mention the final stages of grief, at the end of the song:

I feel like I used to be a good person – Twenty years ago, I saw the world as beautiful – I felt so alive – That was me there at the dress rehearsal – I was the golden child – Life was wonderful – The future was so bright – I never died as a hero – I lived long enough to get old – I see myself now as a villain – Will this story have a happy ending? What does that even mean to me anymore? Looking back to when I was a good person – That was before I had a chance to crash and burn and was forced to learn – I feel like I used to be a good person – But what the world needs now is the current version – The one who can get the job done – I’m here to audition for the part of the tortured artist – What’s the best we can hope for in this life if we’re being honest? We find ways to cope – It gives us hope or at least distracts us – This is my denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance