Storytelling

Leave a comment Posted on parenting, Storytelling

Helmets For Crawlers And Toddlers (And First-Time Parents)

April 14, 2012 at 10:02 pm , by 

16 months.

What the helmet?!

When I saw the MSN headline this week saying “Does your high-speed crawler need a helmet?” I couldn’t help but laugh and feel sorry for all those naive first-time parents out there taking that idea seriously. Then I remembered:

Exactly a year ago, my wife and I actually searched online for one. Oh yeah… that.

I was, and still am, an unexperienced first-time parent in each new stage of my son’s life. Yeah, it goes back to that stereotype about the firstborn child being overprotected.

Needless to say, we ended up not paying the 43 bucks for a “crawling helmet,” but only because back in April 2011, it wasn’t as easy to find such a thing. But now, it’s quite the trend.

There is a demand. There is a supply.

Yes, the “crawling helmet” is smart, sexy, and most importantly, a magnet for hipster toddlers everywhere in America; especially Portland, Oregon… I assume.

As much as I mock the concept now, I honestly believed last year that it was a good idea to buy my 5 month-old a helmet to prevent him from everyday head-bumping injuries.

After all, the house we lived in at the time had hardwood floors. But mainly, we as newbie parents hadn’t yet learned that babies’ heads are durable enough to take quite the banging.

It didn’t take long to realize that 99.3% of the time, when Jack hits his head on the floor, or the table, or the wall, he’s not even clued in to what happened.

In fact, one of my new games I play with Jack is to see how many times I can repeatedly hit him in the head (while he’s looking the other way playing with another toy) with this cheap, thin, extremely light, made-in-China inflatable ball you find in the dollar bin at Wal-Mart.

(Pictured right.)

After about 5 or 6 direct hits to the back or side of the head, he finally looks over at me and chuckles as if to say, “Oh, you’ve been doing that this whole time?”

Sure, my son is hard-headed; but that’s not unusual for young kids.

I wonder now what would have happened had we bought him a helmet last year; had there really been a fresh market for it back then.

Well, I guess ultimately, we wouldn’t have learned a very valuable lesson; that “high-speed crawlers” don’t actually need helmets.

Something else I wonder is if there an official way to get your kid tested to find out if they truly are a high-speed crawler. I predict there will be plenty of poser babies out there who are really just medium-speed crawlers…

Even worse, for all I know, “crawling helmets” are probably the gateway protection device leading to “steel-toed booties” and  ”baby bulletproof vests.”

If only crawling helmets were pitched on the TV show Shark Tank. I would love to see that episode:

“As a toddler, I jumped off the couch onto the hardwood floor headfirst and not only did I not bleed, but I turned out smart enough to make it here. So for that reason, I’m out.”

Leave a comment Posted on parenting, Storytelling

Reminding Myself Why I Can’t Text Message My Son

April 14, 2012 at 4:41 pm , by 

16 months.

Have you ever tried to text your toddler? If nothing else, I would like a phone app to translate all the speaking in tongues he does.

Yesterday during my lunch break at work I was taking a walk outside and thought to myself, “I should text Jack and see how his day is going.” I reached for my phone in my pocket and as I was pulling it out, it hit me: For more than one reason, I can’t text message my son.

I would start with the most obvious reason, but there is a serious problem there with that. Because which one is the most obvious?

Would it be the fact that my 16 month-old son doesn’t have have a working cell phone? Or that he doesn’t know how to use one?

Maybe it’s that he doesn’t know how to spell too well?

Nah, I think the fact that he and I can’t actually carry on a real conversation that doesn’t involve an animal sound, may be the winner.

I’m curious to know if having to remind myself that I can’t text message my toddler is a pretty universal thing.

When I mentioned this story to my wife yesterday, she quickly admitted she has done the exact same thing; perhaps more than once.

Subconsciously, I must be resisting this concept that even though Jack and I can’t talk to each other yet, it’s like that new TV show Touch, where a mute boy communicates with this father by using numbers: That the exception to a normal conversation in our case is texting.

Honestly, it sounds like a good idea to me.

I mean, I carry around this little man with me (and that’s often how I perceive him, not in that cute “that’s my little man” sort of way that’s popular to refer to your son, but literally an actual man who happens to speak like Chewbacca or Curious George) in my car for a round trip daily total of about 80 minutes a day and constantly entertain him all weekend.

In my own real life version of Bosom Buddies, I wish there was at least this cool/comical sci-fi twist where I could text message my son:

“Hey son hows ur day goin?”

“Good so far_ outside playn wit my bud Henry.”

“C any birds?”

“Yeah like 5 rite now on the fence_ They fly away evry time I run near them.”

“R they Angry Birds?”

“LOL. I think it just peed in my diaper. Not sure if its bc of ur joke or not. Gotta go. Peace out Ghost Dad.”

“Later Sonny Sonnerton.”

Leave a comment Posted on parenting, Storytelling

The Easter Where We Hung Out In The Storm Shelter

April 10, 2012 at 7:17 pm , by 

16 months.

This year’s traditional Easter pictures were taken in my sister’s storm shelter; and Jack just went along with it, not knowing any different. Though I admit, he looks pretty intense in the picture above.

I think it’s safe to say, we may have very well started a new family tradition for Jack; as random as it is.

While spending the weekend in Alabama with my family, my sister wanted to make sure we checked out the new storm shelter that she and her husband just got installed behind their house. (A year ago around this time, while we were living there, we had to flee across the Georgia state line because tornadoes caused the power to go out for the whole city.)

So Easter morning, after we gave our kids their Easter baskets, we opened the hatch (yes, like on Lost) and all descended six feet into the earth; to test out the storm shelter.

Somehow during the process, my dad ended up with a camera and did his best to capture a couple of shots of the glorious event. Between the two shots, mostly everyone was smiling and looking at the camera.

I already know that 10 years from now, the thing I will remember most about Easter 2012 is testing out my sister’s storm shelter. Jack won’t remember it, but I’m pretty sure a new family tradition has been born.

In a few years, as we step down into the white abyss for the current family Easter photo, I’m sure he’ll ask me, “Daddy, why do we always go down here to take our picture? Why not outside in the yard like most families?”

The truth is, I won’t have a real good answer for him. Because like most good memories that make for good stories, this wasn’t planned. So much of life is just simply showing up and participating. A lot of times, from there, something interesting is bound to happen. Especially when we’re surrounded by family.

Note: It has recently been brought to my attention that based on the picture below, a theory has been formed that I caused a stinky situation in those confined spaces. I officially dispel this rumor. It was a mere coincidence that my wife happened to be covering her mouth as I apparently did my best impression of Robert De Niro.

But I will say, give it a few years, and Jack will definitely be the guilty, stinky culprit.

Pictured from left: My mom, my son Jack, my sister, my dad, myself, my wife Jill, my brother-in-law, and lastly, my niece.

 

Leave a comment Posted on parenting, Storytelling

The Dadabase’s HP “Tech-Over” Giveaway For Mother’s Day

April 2, 2012 at 10:40 pm , by 

16 months.

The bad news is that you lost the Mega Millions Lottery.

But the good new is, for one lucky mom out there, the inventive folks at HP out in San Francisco have decided to host an exclusive computer giveaway here onThe Dadabase. Yes, I’m really that cool now… evidently.

Moms are always putting others before themselves and updating their technology is no exception. This Mother’s Day one of my lucky readers can give a mom what she really wants – a full “Tech-Over” including an HP TouchSmart, dm1 notebook and wireless mouse!

I hereby officially encourage readers to submit a mom for the technology suite. All HP asks is for submitters tocomment on this kick-off post or tweet to @HP and @NickShellWrites explaining why the mom in their life needs a tech-over.

(#HPLovesMom is the official hashtag.)

HP wants this to be a fun experience, expressing your personal style, so anything from a picture of their mom’s old PC to a video pleading their case will work!

Listed below is information on the three HP products they be gifting to one lucky Dadabase reader:

HP TouchSmart 320

Mothers have that special touch that makes everything better, so why not reward her skill with the HP TouchSmart 320? This powerful, compact, wireless all-in-one PC can recognize mom’s fingers before she even touches the screen, making her interaction more accurate and responsive while enhancing her viewing experience on the 20-inch, full high-definition widescreen. Plus, the new TouchSmart 5.0 “Magic Canvas” software means she can jot notes, open apps and view content all at once. Available on HP Home & Home Office. Starts at $599.99.

 

HP Pavilion dm1

Measuring less than 1-inch thin and sporting AMD’s dual-core Fusion processor, the HP Pavilion dm1 blends portability with power and performance. With its compact size, 8GB of memory and Beats Audio™, the dm1 is ideal for those moms that do-it-all and are always on the go. Available on HP Home & Home Office. Starts at $399.99.

 

HP X4000 Wireless Laser Mouse

Not only is the HP X4000 Wireless Laser Mouse ambidextrous, but it also comes in three attractive colors (ruby red, winter blue and black). This high performance wireless mouse also operates from up to 30 feet away and can be used on almost any surface. Available on HP Home & Home Office. Starts at $29.99.

In the meantime, you’ll be seeing updates from me about this on The Dadabase’s Facebook wall.

Dads, submit your spouse and mother of your kids. Kids, submit your mom. Anybody who wants to, submit a mom.

Now, let the games begin!

Just comment on this kick-off post or tweet to @HP and @NickShellWrites explaining why the mom in your life needs a tech-over:

*Please note: This is a very old post. The winner received their prize a long time ago. Contest is over.

Leave a comment Posted on parenting, Storytelling

Hoping My Son Makes TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras”

Note: Original post date: April 1, 2012 at 3:59 am , by 

16 months.

Well, I didn’t win the Mega Millions lottery. So I figured out a plan to make the odds work for me, instead of against me: by entering my son in as many beauty pageants as possible. If I play my cards right, I may be able to catch the eye of one of the producers of TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras.”

From there, who knows? I’m thinking maybe our own spin-off show… Hey, it worked for The Duggars and Jon and Kate.

Needless to say, there are a lot less boys, especially in the toddler division, for these competitions.

So now that April has begun, we’ve have started investing the majority of our income tax returns in hiring a talent agent to help mold our son into what it takes to win.

The talent agent we’ve begun speaking with has already been very helpful. She explained that we will immediately need to start him on a proper “entertainer’s diet,” limiting his daily calories to only 2/3′s of what the average toddler would consume. I can live with that. Less money on groceries, you know what I mean?

He’s really got to look the part of a little gentleman. And that extra “baby weight” will only hold him back with the judges.

Secondly, the agent explained that if we’re really serious about this, we will consider “medical behavioral management” as well. It seems our 16  month-old son is already showing signs of ADHD and bipolar; from the hyperactivity, to the sudden mood swings, to the grandiose thoughts and conversations he tries to have with us, it’s getting a bit out of control.

So hello Ritalin! We’re not looking to be paid in Fool’s Gold, here. We’re in it to win it!

To tell you the truth, back in the Eighties when I was a kid, I always wanted to be one of the few boys in those pageants. It just kills me that I didn’t speak up and tell my parents.

Well, my son doesn’t have to tell me. I know this is his dream just like it is mine. And hey, if it’s not, I’m sure he’ll thank me one day when his college is paid for because he made it big on TV!

Anyway, wish us luck!

 

Does something seem fishy about this? Click here to found out why…